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The Greebling
December 2nd 04, 06:26 PM
Just for fun ....

THE CAT EJECTION PACK
---------------------
Cat owners - protect your beloved pet from the dangers of urban life: huge,
vicious dogs; fast-moving cars and irate homeowners brandishing
super-soakers. Non cat-lovers - you will also love the CatPak: just yell at
an intruding CatPak-equipped cat and the startled kitty will be hoisted off
your flower beds!

The CatPak combines a cat ejection pack with a parachute. The lightweight
unit is mounted on the cat's back by a harness that boasts an array of
sophisticated sensors. Not only does it detect the approach of dangerous
vehicles and high-velocity water (don't worry! It can tell the difference
between rain and super-soakers!), its range of physiological sensors will
detect the cat's mood. When the cat is startled, for instance by a dog or a
yelling neighbor, an on-board micro-controller activates the escape
mechanism. The ejection pack hoists Kitty airborne, out of harm's way and
provides a charming aerial view as Kitty is gently parachuted back to terra
firma. A homing device communicates with a GPS system (recommended mounted
on the cat flap) or alternatively the owner can remotely steer the canopy so
that Kitty lands right in the owner's lap, looking vaguely guilty about some
indiscretion in next-door's vegetable patch. Alternatively, the owner can
drive around the neighborhood and give Kitty an aerial tour of the
territory, parascending style.

For the safety of all cats everywhere, CatPak units will one day be made
compulsory. Cats venturing outdoors without a CatPak will risk being
devoured by slavering dogs or run over. CatPak anticipate that only the
flight-enabled cats will be survive and that evolution will ensure that cats
will refuse to go outdoors until their CatPak is in place and armed.
Sporting cat-lovers take note - this could also put a new dimension on cats
hunting birds - sparrows will no longer fly safely at 20 ft altitude: Bang!
Whoosh! Chomp!

TECHNICAL DETAILS
-----------------
On feline startlement, a spring flips out a small three-nozzle solid-fuel
rocket on the end of a five meter tensile line; long enough that jet-wash is
cool by the time it reaches the cat dangling below. Gyroscopes ensure the
cat is spin-stabilised and reduce the tendency of the cat to swing like a
pendulum. The rocket sustains a 2g acceleration for 5 seconds, getting Kitty
to a safe altitude before ejecting the rocket and deploying the steerable
canopy. The state-of-the-art GPS system steers the dangling cat back over
its home territory. When the cat has descended to the dizzying altitude of
one meter, the harness clips release automatically, dropping Kitty gently
onto its paws.

2g for 5 seconds provides about 250 meters; the rocket size must match the
weight of the cat. The steerable canopy can achieve a 5 degree glideslope.
The last 20 meters descent must be near-vertical to avoid obstructions, then
that gives you a lateral range of about 2.5 kilometers in still air - ample
to bring home any wandering pet. A remote control trigger allows the CatPak
to be used as a retrieval device for late night wandering cats.

The marine version incorporates a claw-proof inflatable raft that intercepts
the cat before its paws touch water

NOTE
----
The CatPak is not designed for use indoors, or in road vehicles. Do not use
remote trigger while Kitty is feigning hunger in a neighbor's home. The
consequences of over-excited cats triggering the CatPak while mating makes
the CatPak unsuitable for unneutered felines. There has been no research so
far into the effects of cats launching from a mid-road sunbathing position
in front of a startled car driver. CatPak Inc cannot be held responsible for
any heart attacks caused to humans if ejector pack is unexpectedly deployed.
CatPak cannot be held responsible if the startled Kitty voids bodily waste
while airborne. Kitty should be trained in the use of the rocket pack and
steerable canopy before CatPak is used unaided.

mlbriggs
December 2nd 04, 07:36 PM
On Thu, 02 Dec 2004 17:26:56 +0000, The Greebling wrote:

> Just for fun ....
>
> THE CAT EJECTION PACK
> ---------------------
> Cat owners - protect your beloved pet from the dangers of urban life: huge,
> vicious dogs; fast-moving cars and irate homeowners brandishing
> super-soakers. Non cat-lovers - you will also love the CatPak: just yell at
> an intruding CatPak-equipped cat and the startled kitty will be hoisted off
> your flower beds!
>
> The CatPak combines a cat ejection pack with a parachute. The lightweight
> unit is mounted on the cat's back by a harness that boasts an array of
> sophisticated sensors. Not only does it detect the approach of dangerous
> vehicles and high-velocity water (don't worry! It can tell the difference
> between rain and super-soakers!), its range of physiological sensors will
> detect the cat's mood. When the cat is startled, for instance by a dog or a
> yelling neighbor, an on-board micro-controller activates the escape
> mechanism. The ejection pack hoists Kitty airborne, out of harm's way and
> provides a charming aerial view as Kitty is gently parachuted back to terra
> firma. A homing device communicates with a GPS system (recommended mounted
> on the cat flap) or alternatively the owner can remotely steer the canopy so
> that Kitty lands right in the owner's lap, looking vaguely guilty about some
> indiscretion in next-door's vegetable patch. Alternatively, the owner can
> drive around the neighborhood and give Kitty an aerial tour of the
> territory, parascending style.
>
> For the safety of all cats everywhere, CatPak units will one day be made
> compulsory. Cats venturing outdoors without a CatPak will risk being
> devoured by slavering dogs or run over. CatPak anticipate that only the
> flight-enabled cats will be survive and that evolution will ensure that cats
> will refuse to go outdoors until their CatPak is in place and armed.
> Sporting cat-lovers take note - this could also put a new dimension on cats
> hunting birds - sparrows will no longer fly safely at 20 ft altitude: Bang!
> Whoosh! Chomp!
>
> TECHNICAL DETAILS
> -----------------
> On feline startlement, a spring flips out a small three-nozzle solid-fuel
> rocket on the end of a five meter tensile line; long enough that jet-wash is
> cool by the time it reaches the cat dangling below. Gyroscopes ensure the
> cat is spin-stabilised and reduce the tendency of the cat to swing like a
> pendulum. The rocket sustains a 2g acceleration for 5 seconds, getting Kitty
> to a safe altitude before ejecting the rocket and deploying the steerable
> canopy. The state-of-the-art GPS system steers the dangling cat back over
> its home territory. When the cat has descended to the dizzying altitude of
> one meter, the harness clips release automatically, dropping Kitty gently
> onto its paws.
>
> 2g for 5 seconds provides about 250 meters; the rocket size must match the
> weight of the cat. The steerable canopy can achieve a 5 degree glideslope.
> The last 20 meters descent must be near-vertical to avoid obstructions, then
> that gives you a lateral range of about 2.5 kilometers in still air - ample
> to bring home any wandering pet. A remote control trigger allows the CatPak
> to be used as a retrieval device for late night wandering cats.
>
> The marine version incorporates a claw-proof inflatable raft that intercepts
> the cat before its paws touch water
>
> NOTE
> ----
> The CatPak is not designed for use indoors, or in road vehicles. Do not use
> remote trigger while Kitty is feigning hunger in a neighbor's home. The
> consequences of over-excited cats triggering the CatPak while mating makes
> the CatPak unsuitable for unneutered felines. There has been no research so
> far into the effects of cats launching from a mid-road sunbathing position
> in front of a startled car driver. CatPak Inc cannot be held responsible for
> any heart attacks caused to humans if ejector pack is unexpectedly deployed.
> CatPak cannot be held responsible if the startled Kitty voids bodily waste
> while airborne. Kitty should be trained in the use of the rocket pack and
> steerable canopy before CatPak is used unaided.


What an imagination. Do you have any other inventions?