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January 17th 06, 08:10 PM
>
>
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
> The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
> paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
> for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
> pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
> Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
> because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
> they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
> tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
> maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
> paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
> the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for
> years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
> I cannot stress this enough!
>
>
> To pacify you my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
> front door:
>
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About
> Our Pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off thefurniture.
> (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
>
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me,he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
> is short, hairy,walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
>
> Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
> don't ask for money all the time,are easier to train,usually come when
> called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
> friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the
> latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars
> for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.