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View Full Version : What to do if you and spouse disagree it's "time"


Candace
February 27th 06, 01:38 AM
i just wrote this to one of my friends. excuse the lack of caps. i
have a moral dilemma regarding my cat, scottie. i'm just looking for
answers:

scottie's still here but not doing very good. looking very thin. has
a very hard time eating just gravy, gags on it. tony doesn't think
it's "time." he thinks because abbey was supposed to die and didn't
that we should hold out and make absolutely sure scottie has no chance.
that's not what i would like to do. it makes me too sad to see him
hungry and not able to eat. of course, maybe that's a selfish
reason...just so i don't have to see him uncomfortable. it's always so
hard. he's on mega injectable steroids and they don't seem to make a
difference anymore other than he is fairly perky despite getting so
thin. still walks around with his tail up and purrs when you pet him
and watches birdies and plays a little. it's all too awful. maybe it
isn't time yet, i just don't know. but i can't see how he can survive.
i'm trying to decide whether to do an endoscopy. it's not the $$,
it's the putting him thru it and basically having to tell them to put
him down during the procedure if they find something awful. then i
wouldn't be able to be with him. i can't miss anymore work, i've left
a billion times early and had last wed-fri off hoping things would
resolve one way or another. so i have to go to work. i would have to
just drop him off in the a.m. and wait for a phone call. this is
awful. it seemed more clear cut with emily, cory, and miles. it was
still awful but this seems more prolonged and with tony balking it
makes it harder. he gets all ****y if i try to reason with him. but
maybe he's right and i'm wrong. i hate it!!!! scottie doesn't seem to
be in pain, just uncomfortable at times when he is gagging but that is
probably a total of a half hour to 45 minutes a day, spread out, and
the rest of the time he is almost normal acting. so maybe i shouldn't
be so eager to end it all but i prefer to not have them get really bad.
sorry, i'm just rambling, i know you know how icky it is, but this
tony thing is a complicating factor. i'm the one who takes scottie to
the vet, who tries to find different liquid-y things he can eat, but
then i can't make the ultimate decision without feeling bad. he says i
can take him in anytime but he won't go when he doesn't think it's
right and i'm sure he would never quite forgive me for doing it too
soon. i think scottie should have his dad there at the end since he
likes him best. tony does love the kitties and spends a lot of time
petting and playing with them and normally feeds them so it's not like
he has no interest or rights in the whole affair. it sucks. pray for
my little kitty...

Candace

cybercat
February 27th 06, 01:52 AM
"Candace" > wrote in message
ups.com...
[...]. still walks around with his tail up and purrs when you pet him
> and watches birdies and plays a little. it's all too awful. maybe it
> isn't time yet, i just don't know.

Candace, I would err on the side of giving him time to recover, as
much as I know you don't want him to suffer. Since Tony feels the
same way, I am sure you can persuade him to share the nursing
responsibilities.

[..] it sucks. pray for
> my little kitty...

You bet.

Buddy
February 27th 06, 02:32 AM
Candace

Please givee your kitty more time. You will absolutely know when the
right time is. Then there will be no regrets.

We pray for all kitties.

Rhonda
February 27th 06, 03:44 AM
Candace,

We've gone through this a few times. I know we've always waited to long,
but I could not have forgiven myself if I was not absolutely sure there
was no hope. If a cat of mine was still purring, I don't think I could
do it.

You have to know in your heart and each case is different. I know how
this can tear you up and can create some tension in the household.

I will pray for your Scottie. I'm hoping for a miracle.

Rhonda

Candace wrote:


> scottie's still here but not doing very good. looking very thin.

-L.
February 27th 06, 04:13 AM
Candace wrote:
> i just wrote this to one of my friends. excuse the lack of caps. i
> have a moral dilemma regarding my cat, scottie. i'm just looking for
> answers:
>
> scottie's still here but not doing very good. looking very thin. has
> a very hard time eating just gravy, gags on it. tony doesn't think
> it's "time." he thinks because abbey was supposed to die and didn't
> that we should hold out and make absolutely sure scottie has no chance.
> that's not what i would like to do. it makes me too sad to see him
> hungry and not able to eat. of course, maybe that's a selfish
> reason...just so i don't have to see him uncomfortable.

That's because it's a compassionate feeling.

> it's always so
> hard. he's on mega injectable steroids and they don't seem to make a
> difference anymore other than he is fairly perky despite getting so
> thin. still walks around with his tail up and purrs when you pet him
> and watches birdies and plays a little. it's all too awful. maybe it
> isn't time yet, i just don't know. but i can't see how he can survive.
> i'm trying to decide whether to do an endoscopy. it's not the $$,
> it's the putting him thru it and basically having to tell them to put
> him down during the procedure if they find something awful. then i
> wouldn't be able to be with him. i can't miss anymore work, i've left
> a billion times early and had last wed-fri off hoping things would
> resolve one way or another. so i have to go to work. i would have to
> just drop him off in the a.m. and wait for a phone call. this is
> awful. it seemed more clear cut with emily, cory, and miles. it was
> still awful but this seems more prolonged and with tony balking it
> makes it harder. he gets all ****y if i try to reason with him. but
> maybe he's right and i'm wrong. i hate it!!!! scottie doesn't seem to
> be in pain, just uncomfortable at times when he is gagging but that is
> probably a total of a half hour to 45 minutes a day, spread out, and
> the rest of the time he is almost normal acting. so maybe i shouldn't
> be so eager to end it all but i prefer to not have them get really bad.
> sorry, i'm just rambling, i know you know how icky it is, but this
> tony thing is a complicating factor.

Nothing like conflict on top of anticipatory grief and making the
decision...

> i'm the one who takes scottie to
> the vet, who tries to find different liquid-y things he can eat, but
> then i can't make the ultimate decision without feeling bad. he says i
> can take him in anytime but he won't go when he doesn't think it's
> right and i'm sure he would never quite forgive me for doing it too
> soon. i think scottie should have his dad there at the end since he
> likes him best. tony does love the kitties and spends a lot of time
> petting and playing with them and normally feeds them so it's not like
> he has no interest or rights in the whole affair. it sucks. pray for
> my little kitty...
>

**** Candace, I don't know what to tell you. I have BTDT with my dog
Tosh last year. I went back and forth so many times, I didn't know
what to do. Despite all of her trouble, she remained happy and loyal
right to the end, which made it even harder. DH left it all up to me.
Let me babble for a minute...in the end I couldn't see her suffer
anymore, although most of her suffering was only during potty breaks,
when she would spin around in the yard for 10 or 15 minutes, trying to
poop. After a particularly difficult session, she seemingly looked me
in the eyes and said "End it, please." with a smile on her face. I
made the call when we came in the house. Could I have waited another
week or two? Probably. Could I have waited even longer? Sure. But
in the end, the outcome was the same, and her suffering was stopped,
and at the time, that was what seemed important, although over the past
10 months I second-guessed myself and beat myself up a million times
over doing it when I did. Looking back on the situation, I now look at
photos of her over her last months and I can see a marked decline. At
the time I was blind to all of that.

I guess my input at this point would be to ask Tony participate in the
food-making and finding. He's probably in denial. You can't let
Scottie starve to death, and I know that's what is bugging you. Here's
a link that might help:

http://angelshavenhere.homestead.com/makingthedecision.html

Have Tony read it, too.

I know what you mean by not wanting their last minutes to be cold and
alone on the operating table, or for their last memory to be a trip to
the vet. The bottom line is, you're not ready to make the decision
yet, so give it a few days. Think about it some more. A couple days
probably won't make a lot of difference in the overall situation
(endoscopy or not, euthanasia or not), but it may make you feel better.

My heart goes out to you. I hate this part of pet guardianship. And I
am thinking of Scottie.

hugs,
-L.

Systemrecovery
February 27th 06, 04:20 AM
Candace wrote:
> i just wrote this to one of my friends. excuse the lack of caps. i
> have a moral dilemma regarding my cat, scottie. i'm just looking for
> answers:

if mamma ain't happy nobodies happy
handle your business
tell him stay out of it
just kidding
no im not!

do your thang
you're goin do it anyway
you all do
just kidding
no im not!

who's cat "is it"
aight then...
thing is...Toni should be a little mo sensative to your level of
comfort here.

Tell him you let him burn one, if he get back out the way

Systemrecovery
February 27th 06, 04:22 AM
Candace wrote:
> i just wrote this to one of my friends. excuse the lack of caps. i
> have a moral dilemma regarding my cat, scottie. i'm just looking for
> answers:

Im sorry, I read Candace, was thinking Catnipped

but I guess my answer is the same?

:)

Candace
February 27th 06, 04:33 AM
-L. wrote:

> The bottom line is, you're not ready to make the decision
> yet, so give it a few days. Think about it some more. A couple days
> probably won't make a lot of difference in the overall situation
> (endoscopy or not, euthanasia or not), but it may make you feel better.
>
> My heart goes out to you. I hate this part of pet guardianship. And I
> am thinking of Scottie.
>
> hugs,
> -L.

You're all right (at least that's what I think right this minute). It
isn't time. And the endoscopy will occur. I asked Tony to be the one
to decide whether we should do that and he said yes so I will make the
appt. tomorrow. I imagine they can do it Tues. or Wed. at the latest.
And I don't have to tell them to put him down if they find something
awful. That can be done later when we're present but maybe it will be
something fixable. So I don't have to make dropping him off the last
time I ever see him; if euthanasia is necessary, I can be present but
I'm going to try to think positively. I'm not a great positive thinker
but someone just gave me a pep talk and I'll try :)

Thank you to all who said to not make the decision yet. I think that
is correct. He's not in pain; he has times of discomfort...it's still
very sad when those occur but Rhonda, you're right, he's still purring.

Candace

Charlie Wilkes
February 27th 06, 06:20 AM
You've got a rough situation, Candace. I agree with the bulk of the
comments here, a little more time, and make sure Tony understands that
you can't take any more time off from work so he will have to shoulder
more of the load. If Scottie isn't in a lot of pain, you can make his
life worth living just by doting on him. Maybe you could spare him
further procedures and just wait to see if he recovers or not.

Charlie

Rhonda
February 27th 06, 07:27 AM
Good luck to you. When you have time, let us know how it's going.
Sometimes it helps to talk to computerites who've been through something
similar.

Rhonda

Candace wrote:

>
> You're all right (at least that's what I think right this minute). It
> isn't time. And the endoscopy will occur. I asked Tony to be the one
> to decide whether we should do that and he said yes so I will make the
> appt. tomorrow. I imagine they can do it Tues. or Wed. at the latest.
> And I don't have to tell them to put him down if they find something
> awful. That can be done later when we're present but maybe it will be
> something fixable. So I don't have to make dropping him off the last
> time I ever see him; if euthanasia is necessary, I can be present but
> I'm going to try to think positively. I'm not a great positive thinker
> but someone just gave me a pep talk and I'll try :)
>
> Thank you to all who said to not make the decision yet. I think that
> is correct. He's not in pain; he has times of discomfort...it's still
> very sad when those occur but Rhonda, you're right, he's still purring.
>
> Candace
>
>

Candace
February 27th 06, 07:43 AM
Margarita Salt wrote:
>
> I still fall back on quality vs quantity. Life for lafe's sake is no
> life at all. If it is only going to get worse, I would rather call the
> game before it's absolutely OBVIOUS the cat is dying and in distress.

I agree. The thing here is it isn't obvious he's dying; he might have
something fixable or healable. And I truly don't think he is in
distress...discomfort at times but mostly feeling pretty good.

I've heard that creepy purr when it means they're not doing well. My
late cat, Cory, did it sometimes when he was very ill (he had several
bad illnesses during his 18 years). It had a subtly different sound to
it than a regular purr and it wasn't triggered by happy times.
Scottie's isn't like that and his only happens when you're holding him
and petting him, just like always.

I guess I am fortunate that I don't have to go through it all alone. I
had my original 2 cats when I was single and one of them (Cory) did get
pretty ill a couple of times so I know how it is to have to deal with
it alone. I guess Scottie might be lucky I'm not on my own, too, or he
might already have been PTS.

You have us to talk to about Kami at any rate :)

Candace

-L.
February 27th 06, 08:27 AM
Candace wrote:
>
> You're all right (at least that's what I think right this minute). It
> isn't time. And the endoscopy will occur. I asked Tony to be the one
> to decide whether we should do that and he said yes so I will make the
> appt. tomorrow. I imagine they can do it Tues. or Wed. at the latest.
> And I don't have to tell them to put him down if they find something
> awful. That can be done later when we're present but maybe it will be
> something fixable. So I don't have to make dropping him off the last
> time I ever see him; if euthanasia is necessary, I can be present but
> I'm going to try to think positively. I'm not a great positive thinker
> but someone just gave me a pep talk and I'll try :)
>
> Thank you to all who said to not make the decision yet. I think that
> is correct. He's not in pain; he has times of discomfort...it's still
> very sad when those occur but Rhonda, you're right, he's still purring.
>
> Candace

Hang in there, girl! Keep us updated as you can. I hope the endoscopy
gives you some answers.
-L.

Phil P.
February 27th 06, 09:16 AM
"Candace" > wrote in message
ups.com...
> i just wrote this to one of my friends. excuse the lack of caps. i
> have a moral dilemma regarding my cat, scottie. i'm just looking for
> answers:

he is fairly perky despite getting so
> thin. still walks around with his tail up and purrs when you pet him
> and watches birdies and plays a little.

There's your answer. :) It isn't time. I'd have the endoscopy done.

I don't think its megaesophagus because it came on too fast. Megaesophagus
in cats is *very* rare in the United States. I can't help but think this
was caused by improper tube placement since he didn't have this problem
before. I think you should have the endoscopy done by a *different* vet than
the one who placed the tube.

Keep the faith.

Phil