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March 6th 07, 07:30 PM
All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
month ago, pretty unexpectedly.

Now i am here because i am so confused.

When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while
Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family.

Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music
is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my
computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that
is really wonderful.)

But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all.

Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away
because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would
be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about
her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And
everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank.

that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think
of her but my mind just goes blank.

Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record,
and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should
listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and
it wasn't as hard.

One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have
her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the
same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my
right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel
quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always
all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood.

Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different.
I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's
this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i
used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little
noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore,
yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with
me.

The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing
the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of
my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be
stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes.

I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
but i can't bring myself to do it.

Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart
all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way.

Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore.

I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose
loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has
also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be
doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him
because i have to be.

I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to
me.

Still, i just want Madeleine back.

No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
something, i don't know.

Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
should be here, she should be part of the Spring.

I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.

Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
farther away from me... i can't bear it.

Does anyone understand anything i am saying?

I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
can't accept it or something. I don't know.

Matthew
March 6th 07, 08:00 PM
Yes I know exactly how you feel

If you keep feeling this way and feeling like that it will never end.
you need to talk to a grief counselor or a person of professional nature.
It is so easy for the feelings of grief to turn into depression. You are
suffering just like a parent does after losing a child.
I love my furballs so deep that they are my children and are the most
important thing in my life. You aren't alone out here

But you need to get up and out. You made the first step in coming on this
group and letting your feelings out. You know there is a problem now you
need to find a way or someone(s) in person that can guide you out of this.

> wrote in message
oups.com...
> All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
> month ago, pretty unexpectedly.
>
> Now i am here because i am so confused.
>
> When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while
> Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family.
>
> Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music
> is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my
> computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that
> is really wonderful.)
>
> But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all.
>
> Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away
> because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would
> be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about
> her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And
> everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank.
>
> that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think
> of her but my mind just goes blank.
>
> Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record,
> and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should
> listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and
> it wasn't as hard.
>
> One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have
> her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the
> same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my
> right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel
> quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always
> all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood.
>
> Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different.
> I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's
> this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i
> used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little
> noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore,
> yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with
> me.
>
> The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing
> the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of
> my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be
> stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes.
>
> I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
> be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
> but i can't bring myself to do it.
>
> Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart
> all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way.
>
> Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore.
>
> I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose
> loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has
> also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be
> doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him
> because i have to be.
>
> I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to
> me.
>
> Still, i just want Madeleine back.
>
> No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
> her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
> something, i don't know.
>
> Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
> but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
> coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
> cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
> should be here, she should be part of the Spring.
>
> I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
> i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
> like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
> just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
> only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.
>
> Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
> and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
> farther away from me... i can't bear it.
>
> Does anyone understand anything i am saying?
>
> I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
> really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
> can't accept it or something. I don't know.
>

sheelagh
March 6th 07, 08:24 PM
On 6 Mar, 20:00, "Matthew" > wrote:
> Yes I know exactly how you feel
>
> If you keep feeling this way and feeling like that it will never end.
> you need to talk to a grief counselor or a person of professional nature.
> It is so easy for the feelings of grief to turn into depression. You are
> suffering just like a parent does after losing a child.
> I love my furballs so deep that they are my children and are the most
> important thing in my life. You aren't alone out here
>
> But you need to get up and out. You made the first step in coming on this
> group and letting your feelings out. You know there is a problem now you
> need to find a way or someone(s) in person that can guide you out of this.
>
> > wrote in message
>
> oups.com...
>
>
>
> > All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
> > month ago, pretty unexpectedly.
>
> > Now i am here because i am so confused.
>
> > When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while
> > Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family.
>
> > Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music
> > is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my
> > computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that
> > is really wonderful.)
>
> > But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all.
>
> > Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away
> > because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would
> > be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about
> > her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And
> > everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank.
>
> > that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think
> > of her but my mind just goes blank.
>
> > Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record,
> > and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should
> > listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and
> > it wasn't as hard.
>
> > One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have
> > her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the
> > same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my
> > right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel
> > quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always
> > all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood.
>
> > Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different.
> > I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's
> > this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i
> > used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little
> > noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore,
> > yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with
> > me.
>
> > The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing
> > the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of
> > my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be
> > stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes.
>
> > I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
> > be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
> > but i can't bring myself to do it.
>
> > Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart
> > all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way.
>
> > Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore.
>
> > I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose
> > loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has
> > also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be
> > doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him
> > because i have to be.
>
> > I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to
> > me.
>
> > Still, i just want Madeleine back.
>
> > No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
> > her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
> > something, i don't know.
>
> > Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
> > but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
> > coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
> > cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
> > should be here, she should be part of the Spring.
>
> > I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
> > i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
> > like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
> > just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
> > only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.
>
> > Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
> > and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
> > farther away from me... i can't bear it.
>
> > Does anyone understand anything i am saying?
>
> > I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
> > really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
> > can't accept it or something. I don't know.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

You just made the biggest step.. you have reached out & told us of
your pain.
To admit how you feel is half the battle.

I agree with Mathew. The pain of loosing a loved one, be they cat or
human is perfectly normal & no one would tell you different here
because we all feel the same way about our cats too.
I would say that counseling would be a wonderful step forward if you
feel that you can..?
It would help you to talk about these feelings & also set you free to
grieve as you feel that you would prefer to grieve if that makes sense
to you?
Every word that you say makes sense to me, but I would agree that you
need the chance to talk your feelings through with someone who is
better qualified to advise you on how to go forward.
That is not to say that no one that we are not here for you.. far from
it, but we are not qualified for the need to help set you free.
However., we are always here to chat to you though & would welcome you
anytime.
With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you
I wish you peace,
Hugs,
Sheelagh x

nothing tolouse
March 6th 07, 08:32 PM
On Mar 6, 3:24 pm, "sheelagh" > wrote:
> To admit how you feel is half the battle.
> With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you
> I wish you peace,
> Hugs,
> Sheelagh

i knew you'd come around darlink

let it flow baby

zinzee
March 6th 07, 11:07 PM
On Mar 6, 2:30 pm, wrote:
> All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a


>
> I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
> be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
> but i can't bring myself to do it.

My best friend died when I was 19 (I'm 25 now) and I have her favorite
Kappa sweatshirt. I've worn it only a handful of times, and never
washed it. This doesn't seem so weird to me. Maybe you should get
new bed linens and not wash the ones you have but just take them off
and keep them in a box for keepsake. I see no harm in keeping them
and just knowing that they're there. Maybe snuggling up in them every-
so-often for a bit of comfort and that feeling of closeness.

>
> No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
> her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
> something, i don't know.
>
> Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
> but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
> coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
> cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
> should be here, she should be part of the Spring.

Oh it is so much better to look at this in another way. Perhaps she
passed the time she did to not leave you in a bit of drear and
sadness. Perhaps the weather changed when it did to try and ease your
stage of grieving.

>
> I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
> i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
> like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
> just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
> only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.
>
> Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
> and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
> farther away from me... i can't bear it.
>
> Does anyone understand anything i am saying?
>
> I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
> really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
> can't accept it or something. I don't know.

I really do understand what you're saying. It is unfathomable to
think of losing any person or animal that surrounds us. When it
happens, we don't know how to live or move on; thinking that this is
somehow not the right thing to do. What you have to remember is the
person that Madeleine taught you to be. Imagine the time you had
together and how much you changed for the better. Don't forget to be
that person because she would want nothing else for you! Take the
strength and love that she showed you and turn it into something
positive. Figure out what it is you want to conquer and do it for you
and for her, as well!

When my best friend died I had the same feelings that you do. I
didn't know how I was to manage living or accomplishing daily tasks;
anything more was even farther from my comprehension. Then one day, I
realized how strong I was for knowing her. I began to think that
maybe she was so full of life because she somehow knew she didn't have
much time here (she was 21 when she passed). I realized that the only
way for me to honor her memory was to take the love and strength that
she gave me and to use it! I've accomplished so much since then.
I've truly grown into myself and my own skin. I honestly wouldn't be
the person I am today without knowing her. In turn, I wouldn't be who
I am today had I not lost her.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss her. I still yearn for her. I still
wish that she could have experience the past six years with me.
However, I know I cannot. What I know I can do is be the best person
I can be, guided by what she taught me while she was her...and really,
what she taught me after she was gone.

Don't give up and don't give in. Grieve for her and love her.
However, just know that you are better for having known her. That,
for me, is the best way to realize your own full potential.

Good luck and please know we are here in support.

Best,
Heather

Alan
March 7th 07, 12:15 AM
Lump, it is called grief and it is perfectly normal. You need to shake the
guilt feelings, 'cause losing a critter ain't your fault and you should be
happy you have another to kinda help you over this rough spot. When we lost
our French after a long illness, it was his companion Kirby that helped me
to deal with the pain. 4 months later we lost Kirby quite unexpectedly (he
was 13) and yep, I just didn't want to do anything or cope. It felt so
unfair. It takes time to get over it but you can. Have a coffee, wash the
car or your windows. Don't want to wash the bedding? Pull it off the bed,
fold and put it away for now. Play the music. Keep moving. Let your thoughts
ebb and flow, but keep moving. It's like walking out of the surf, as you
move closer to shore it becomes easier.
I've said before, it is amazing how such a small creature can leave such a
large hole in your heart.
Hang in there.
Alan
> wrote in message
oups.com...
> All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
> month ago, pretty unexpectedly.
>
> Now i am here because i am so confused.
>
> When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while
> Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family.
>
> Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music
> is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my
> computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that
> is really wonderful.)
>
> But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all.
>
> Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away
> because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would
> be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about
> her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And
> everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank.
>
> that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think
> of her but my mind just goes blank.
>
> Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record,
> and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should
> listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and
> it wasn't as hard.
>
> One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have
> her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the
> same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my
> right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel
> quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always
> all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood.
>
> Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different.
> I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's
> this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i
> used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little
> noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore,
> yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with
> me.
>
> The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing
> the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of
> my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be
> stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes.
>
> I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
> be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
> but i can't bring myself to do it.
>
> Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart
> all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way.
>
> Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore.
>
> I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose
> loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has
> also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be
> doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him
> because i have to be.
>
> I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to
> me.
>
> Still, i just want Madeleine back.
>
> No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
> her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
> something, i don't know.
>
> Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
> but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
> coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
> cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
> should be here, she should be part of the Spring.
>
> I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
> i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
> like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
> just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
> only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.
>
> Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
> and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
> farther away from me... i can't bear it.
>
> Does anyone understand anything i am saying?
>
> I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
> really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
> can't accept it or something. I don't know.
>

sheelagh
March 7th 07, 01:34 AM
On 6 Mar, 20:32, "nothing tolouse" > wrote:
> On Mar 6, 3:24 pm, "sheelagh" > wrote:
>
> > To admit how you feel is half the battle.
> > With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you
> > I wish you peace,
> > Hugs,
> > Sheelagh
>
> i knew you'd come around darlink
>
> let it flow baby

Of course..!!
I have plenty of time for Madeleine's slave because she is a beautiful
person.
She slaved for her cat faithfully, & I know that she would want her
dearest friend to go on to enjoy life after she passed over the
rainbow bridge.
I guess it pains her to watch over her faithful slave and friend, so
it is up to us to be here to see her through this rough time.

I just wish that I could help her more than I can.
I figure that the best thing to do is to point out that it is normal
for us slaves to feel this way when our dearest friend leave us.
When Jasper left us, I wanted to curl into a ball and die instead of
him. Time has helped and so has talking about him.
I want to believe that the piece of my heart that he took with him
when he crossed that bridge, will always be his, never to be shared
with any of my other masters and mistress's.
It is my hope that one day I will find more room in my heart to love
another as I loved him.
Time has certainly helped too.
Best wishes & hugs,
Sheelagh x

---MIKE---
March 7th 07, 04:17 PM
Lump wrote:

>>I don't feel any motivation to do
>> anything at all. Although i think i'm
>> gradually beginning to bear hearing
>> music again, it's still not like it used to
>> be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do
>> anything. I just want to sleep all day.
>> But i never dream about her. If i could
>> only just dream about her, i'd at least
>> have her in my dreams.

I am not a doctor but this sounds to me like the classic symptoms of
depression. I suggest that you do get some help SOON.


---MIKE---
>>In the White Mountains of New Hampshire
>> (44 15' N - Elevation 1580')

jennd via CatKB.com
March 8th 07, 01:35 PM
Dear Friend,
This is depression, plain and painful. You don't love Gretel any less, but
her presence reminds you of Madeleine. There's nothing wrong with this, or
your feelings. They will lessen in time, I promise. We lost two furbabies
last year and the entire world looked grey for a long time. In fact, it was
months before I could look at their pictures or even speak their names
without crying. You will always love and miss Madeleine.
Find "The Rainbow Bridge" poem and read it. Let the tears come and allow
yourself to grieve for your beloved kitty. I hope and pray that you feel
better someday soon.
((Gentle hugs))
JennD

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