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View Full Version : Kitchen-Floor Conflict Intensifies As Rival House Cats Claim SameEmpty Bag (from _The Onion_)


Noon Cat Nick
February 13th 08, 03:56 PM
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies

FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407

MAPLEWOOD, MO - Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of
the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations
between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh
violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the
area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of
territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious
aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.

The afternoon was marred by sporadic fighting, according to reports,
with opposing forces darting and then retreating in surprise attacks.
Boswell held his position despite relentless onslaughts from Johnson,
who repeatedly batted the controversial bag along the ancient linoleum
surface. By the end of the day, neither side displayed any intention to
halt reprisals without the other first relinquishing claims and pulling
out permanently - an outcome those close to the fighting called
"unlikely at best."

"What people unfamilar with the history here must understand is that
this seemingly empty and barren paper bag has rapidly become the third
most important site in the area after the scratching post in the living
room and the breakfast-nook windowsill," former CIA analyst Brian Haddox
said. "Not only is it seen by both Boswellist and Johnsonian interests
as a crucial location for establishing territorial control in the
kitchen-floor region, but it also makes a crumpling sound that both
sides find irresistible."

Added Haddox, "Unfortunately, hostilities have destabilized this already
tenuous peace at least until nap time."

The bag, a brown paper grocery bag from Stop & Shop with no prior claims
of cat ownership attached to it, became the center of a wide-scale power
play when Boswell seized control of its highly contested interior, and
occupied the disputed area for approximately 30 seconds. Following
immediate Johnsonian reprisals, Boswell unleashed a barrage of swats,
but failed to secure a position in the bag.

Reports from the ground indicated that Johnson, once in possession of
the perimeter region up to the cat dish, was forced in the early
afternoon to retreat to the green rug zone, where he licked his paws
with apparent disinterest for an estimated 10 minutes. Without warning,
Johnson then launched a full-frontal assault on Boswell's forces,
pouncing from behind and eventually chasing his rival all the way to the
bathroom sink. The heavy leaping and grappling was broken only by
periods of intense mutual licking. At one point, the conflict escalated
into full-fledged upside-down kicking of each other in the face before
Boswell was distracted by an errant ball rolling across the floor,
bringing the factions to an uneasy standstill.

Despite the intensity of the fighting, no serious injuries were reported.

"People in the middle of this have tried everything they can to quell
the violence, including bringing in a second bag, but nothing has
worked," said U.N. investigator Caroline Olivera, adding that many
residents were furious at the combatants for knocking over and
destroying a prized vase in November. "It is beginning to appear that
any long-term solution may have to involve deployment of the
disciplinary squirt bottle."

According to International Red Cross worker Etienne Zervudacki, there
was a temporary lull in the violence when both factions shifted their
attention to a nearby can of tuna, craning their necks and licking their
lips in apparent unity before eventually returning to the battle. While
the short-lived truce was hopeful, Zervudacki said, it was a fragile
pact that ignored the true causes of dilemma.

"The biggest shame here is that these two sides are so entrenched in
their differences that they don't realize they are brothers," said
Zervudacki, noting that even though both parties were reportedly curled
up together on the sofa at press time, violence would likely break out
again tomorrow. "If it's not the paper bag, it will be something else,
like aluminum foil, toy mice, or plastic rings from two-gallon milk jugs."

mc
February 13th 08, 05:00 PM
HILARIOUS ;-) :-) ;-)

TOO FUNNY ;-)

THANKS!!!

barb
February 13th 08, 05:19 PM
Gee, I've always found that once they break bread together all's well!

Barb

Phil P.
February 13th 08, 06:26 PM
"Noon Cat Nick" > wrote in message
news:[email protected]_s22...
> http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies
>
> FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407

Funny as hell! I loved it!

Have you ever read "The Silent Miaow" by Paul Gallico?

Noon Cat Nick
February 13th 08, 08:08 PM
Phil P. wrote:
> "Noon Cat Nick" > wrote in message
> news:[email protected]_s22...
>
>>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies
>>
>>FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407
>
>
> Funny as hell! I loved it!
>
> Have you ever read "The Silent Miaow" by Paul Gallico?
>
>

Not yet, unfortunately.

dgk
February 14th 08, 03:05 PM
On Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:56:31 GMT, Noon Cat Nick
> wrote:

>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies
>
>FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407
>
>MAPLEWOOD, MO - Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of
>the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations
Oh, I just posted about this in the thread about the pet jokes.

Quite a few years back there was an Onion story about a women who was
afraid to go away on vacation because she was afraid that her cats
would miss her. There was an interview with her neighbor who was
quoted something like: "She has canceled her plans several times. Each
time I'm ready to take care of them and she decides she can't go."
Then there was an interview with a "pet behavioral professional" who
is quoted as saying "Cats don't really miss you at all, they just look
at you as the mostly likely source of protein".

It was a very funny article, more so because some of it rang so true.

-Lost
February 14th 08, 05:47 PM
Response to Noon Cat Nick >:

> http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensi
> fies
>
> FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407

Oh jeez, I laughed so hard my sides hurt. And it was so well-written!

Thanks for sharing.

--
-Lost
Remove the extra words to reply by e-mail. Don't e-mail me. I am
kidding. No I am not.

Lilah Morgan[_2_]
February 18th 08, 06:40 PM
HA!

"Noon Cat Nick" > wrote in message
news:[email protected]_s22...
> http://www.theonion.com/content/news/kitchen_floor_conflict_intensifies
>
> FEBRUARY 13, 2008 | ISSUE 4407
>
> MAPLEWOOD, MO - Ongoing turmoil in the troubled kitchen-floor region of
> the Branson household reached a boiling point Tuesday, as relations
> between rival house cats Boswell and Johnson erupted into fresh
> violence. Observers said the arrival of a new brown paper-bag in the
> area ignited long-standing tensions and set off another round of
> territorial conflict between the two factions in the most serious
> aggression since the devastating stove-side siege of 2005.