View Full Version : Pet-Care Tips (from _The Onion_)

Noon Cat Nick
February 13th 08, 07:22 PM
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help
keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can
opener where your dog can easily reach them.

Is thick pus coming out of your cat's eyes? Are its gums red or
swollen? Are its ears clogged with a crumbly brown substance? Cool.

Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one
of those freaky snake guys.

If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eyeglasses,
contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.

Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you
wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy ****!
I'm gay!"

Fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of
the mug.

Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family
as its human members. This is psycho. Don't do this.

If you have a pot-bellied pig, you're on your own, Mr. Individuality.

Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will
likely grow depressed and eventually hang himself.

Once a week, comb your cat's ass hair - often matted with clumps of
feces - with a special cat's-ass-hair brush.

When choosing a pet, remember: She may be soft and cute, but Penthouse
pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high-maintenance.

Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light
breading in a rosemary butter sauce.

Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across
the surface of the pet.

By blinding your dog, you may technically be able to get it into
stores and restaurants.

Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if
you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind.

If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute,
consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.

Most kittens can withstand impacts of up to 35 mph, but there's no way
to be sure without extensive testing.

Getting your kids a boa constrictor or monkey is a great way to teach
them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists for their
amusement, goddammit.

February 14th 08, 01:54 PM
On Wed, 13 Feb 2008 19:22:31 GMT, Noon Cat Nick
> wrote:

>Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help
>keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:

Today's Onion has a front page article about a grocery bag causing
hosilities to break out in the Branson household:


I was standing in the subway this morning and looked down at a
headline in a paper someone was reading, and it said "Area Man Honored
To Be One Who Added Death Date To Heath Ledger's Wikipedia Page". I
groaned and thought that he had better be reading the Onion. Luckily,
he was.