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Old May 7th 04, 10:15 PM
Cat Protector
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Well everyone has a choice. You can lead a horse to water but you can't
force them to drink. A lot of abused women seem to believe everything they
are telling them including that is their fault. If the guy hits them then
they simply shrug it off and keep taking the abuse. If they leave the
relationship then 9 times out of 10 they go back because the other party
says they're sorry and won't do it again or that they'll change. But of
course that's a lie and the cycle continues. I usually say that nobody
deserves to be abused like that but they also made the choice. They can
continue to be the victim or they can fight back, escape the relationship,
and get help.

The abusers also need to really see what it is to be the victim and get
help. Of course I am not sure how effective therapy is. It seems like a lot
of abusers hide behind excuses like poor childhood, broken home, divorced
parents, etc. The defense lawyers use this one a lot when the abuser is
accused of a crime. Of course this just seems to excuse the abusive
behavior. I think abusers need to stand up and say they have a problem, then
get help. It is all about choices. But no animal should be abused. This 17
year old girl needs to finally wake up and leave this guy or she will be
this guy's next victim.

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"RobZip" wrote in message
...
Abusers have an incredible ability to be manipulative of all of those they
encounter in the course of and as a consequence of their actions. The

women
usually hear an array of excuses and explanations. I've heard of some who
convinced a woman that they wouldn't have acted out so badly if it wasn't
for the strong love they have for them. Now how warped is that? Others

have
a multitude of rationales to shift the blame for such actions to the

woman.
Along with this comes the psychological modeling in which the abuser plays
on the woman's already damaged self-esteem. He convinces her that she
wouldn't stand a chance being on her own, that she wouldn't be worthy and
capable of survival in a truly equal relationship, etc.

When living in Tampa I was in an area with a heavy Puerto Rican

population.
Certain parts of their culture have a much different view on relationship
power and control than white Anglos. I had a very pretty Puerto Rican
neighbor girl who was flirting with me, hanging around, and generally
'stepping out of line' in order to evoke a controlling response from her
boyfriend whom she suspected was losing interest in her. She told me that

if
he really cared, he would order her to stay in the apartment, avoid me,

and
probably threaten to physically punish her if that wasn't part of his
initial expression of displeasure at her behavior.

Unless women who are being abused break free from the relationship
and seek help they'll continue to allow themselves to be victims. It is

all
about power and control.


These women find it hard to accept that they DO have control. They've only
relinquished it on bad terms to someone else.

An abuser who promises to change and swears he won't do it again most

likely
really and truly believes what he's saying. But there are many reasons why
that always fails. Foremost is that one has to honestly take their own
inventory and understand it before they have any hope of changing it.
On what authority do I say this? I grew up in a home with a physically
abusive father. I swore I would never treat my wife like that when I got
married.

Well guess what? Along the way I never learned any of the proper coping
skills or honest interpersonal relationship skills. How could I?

Everything
was a masquerade to shift blame and deflect the truth. Although I never
sought out to repeat the violent mistakes of my father, I had the same bad
interpersonal and coping skills he did. It was all I ever had a chance to
learn. It was the only example I had. The natural byproduct was that I
bullied, punched, swore and manipulated my way through two disastrous
marriages. At age 36 I was finally tired enough of my life, beaten and

ready
to do something about it. My pride was gone. Funny - most of us think we
have all the answers and it's the rest of the world that is so screwed up.
That's why we are able to do the things we do. You can't make change
meaningful until you lose the false pride and are ready to have every
element of your life taken apart. I invested the next 6 years in one on

one
therapy, 12 step abusers programs, group therapy abuser sessions, etc. It
wasn't an easy or quick fix. Serious matters are never resolved easily.

It's
tough to sit and listen to a group who has been there and done that take
your ass apart piece by piece, telling you everything that is wrong with

how
you think about everything - and you know that they're right. The good

news
is that once you are willing to acknowledge and accept those things, the
replacement skills are much easier to practice.

Unless a person is willing to make that kind of effort for their own self
improvement, the cycle will continue. That's why the young lady involved
needs to drop this guy like last weeks garbage. But since she is already
defending him I guess we really don't need a crystal ball to see where

this
is going. I sincerely hope that both of them are sterile....