On 6 Mar, 20:00, "Matthew" wrote:
Yes I know exactly how you feel

If you keep feeling this way and feeling like that it will never end.
you need to talk to a grief counselor or a person of professional nature.
It is so easy for the feelings of grief to turn into depression. You are
suffering just like a parent does after losing a child.
I love my furballs so deep that they are my children and are the most
important thing in my life. You aren't alone out here

But you need to get up and out. You made the first step in coming on this
group and letting your feelings out. You know there is a problem now you
need to find a way or someone(s) in person that can guide you out of this.

wrote in message

oups.com...



All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
month ago, pretty unexpectedly.

Now i am here because i am so confused.

When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while
Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family.

Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music
is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my
computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that
is really wonderful.)

But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all.

Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away
because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would
be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about
her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And
everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank.

that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think
of her but my mind just goes blank.

Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record,
and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should
listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and
it wasn't as hard.

One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have
her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the
same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my
right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel
quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always
all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood.

Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different.
I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's
this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i
used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little
noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore,
yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with
me.

The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing
the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of
my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be
stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes.

I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll
be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross
but i can't bring myself to do it.

Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart
all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way.

Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore.

I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose
loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has
also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be
doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him
because i have to be.

I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to
me.

Still, i just want Madeleine back.

No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of
her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or
something, i don't know.

Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet,
but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers
coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a
cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She
should be here, she should be part of the Spring.

I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think
i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not
like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I
just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could
only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams.

Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by
and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get
farther away from me... i can't bear it.

Does anyone understand anything i am saying?

I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it,
really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me
can't accept it or something. I don't know.- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

You just made the biggest step.. you have reached out & told us of
your pain.
To admit how you feel is half the battle.

I agree with Mathew. The pain of loosing a loved one, be they cat or
human is perfectly normal & no one would tell you different here
because we all feel the same way about our cats too.
I would say that counseling would be a wonderful step forward if you
feel that you can..?
It would help you to talk about these feelings & also set you free to
grieve as you feel that you would prefer to grieve if that makes sense
to you?
Every word that you say makes sense to me, but I would agree that you
need the chance to talk your feelings through with someone who is
better qualified to advise you on how to go forward.
That is not to say that no one that we are not here for you.. far from
it, but we are not qualified for the need to help set you free.
However., we are always here to chat to you though & would welcome you
anytime.
With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you
I wish you peace,
Hugs,
Sheelagh x