"Kreisleriana" wrote in message
...

So it's been almost a week without him. So weird to be in a house-- in a
world-- without Stinky. I expect to see him all the time-- when I get to
the top of the stairs, I expect to see him lounging on Mom's bed. When I
walk into the dining room, I expect to see him on the table. My mind
cannot get around the idea that he will not come back. Even though his
ashes are now sitting in a little green tin on the table. When I brought
home Mimi's ashes, that opened the floodgates and I knew she was gone.
Even that hasn't done it for me with Stinky. Even with the box of ashes
sitting where he use to sit, I still don't believe it.
I'm understanding, too, something of what Tak went through with Betty-- I
saw my beloved die. Even though I saw him die, I still think he's coming
back-- but even though I think that, I still dwell on those terrible
moments. He was not a well cat at the end, of course, but I still saw
him-- and held him-- while he went from my sweet, alive Stinky boy to a
lifeless, staring rag in my arms. When the doctor put the needle in his
leg, I went down on my knees and made him look right into my face, so it
would be the last thing he saw. But the last thing I saw was him die, and
then his poor dead body. That was the last time I was with him, so it has
been hard not to think about, especially at night.

Oh, my poor dear girl, my heart aches for you. Reading this takes me
straight back to the worst of my own grief that I've felt.
I believe what you are experiencing (and I did, too) is a form of post
traumatic stress. Once I realised this it became easier to understand.
After all what could possible be worse than witnessing the person or animal
you loved with all your heart die in front of you? I can't think of
anything.

It will not help you at the moment if I say that one day only the happy
memories will remain because you won't believe me. It's true, though.
In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve in your own way, for as long as it
takes, and remember that I think of you every day in your loss and send you
strength over the miles.

(hugs)
Tweed