Problem - Bandit and Ben

"CatNipped" wrote:
He said he's off this weekend and we could talk about it some more, but 1. I
don't want to wait and allow her to suffer, 2. I don't think the vet will
make a house call on the weekend, and 3. I don't think he's going to change
his mind overnight.

Any suggestions?

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I think it's natural that two
co-slaves won't always get the feeling that it's "the time" at
precisely the same time. After you talk it over with DH and/or TED,
I'm sure you'll be better synchronized. As much as you both love
Bandit, I'm sure she understands that daddy might not be ready, even
though she is.

On Jun 2, 12:28 am, "CatNipped" wrote:
"Sherry" wrote in message

This story about made me cry. First, it shows how tenderhearted he is
toward Bandit
that he doesn't want to let her go. You *know* that (outside this
newsgroup & the circle
of "cat people" that's rare). But secondly, he's not being respectful
or kind toward you. You're the
primary caregiver and he should respect your decision. It's a
horrible, difficult decision and
he should be supporting you, not making it harder!
How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health
and insist that
Ben go along. Clue the vet in beforehand. The doctor can explain to
Ben *exactly* what's going
on inside Bandit and how it makes her feel. What to expect her to go
through in the next few
weeks. Maybe he will listen to a professional and see things from a
different perspective.
Good luck. I am just so sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks Sherry, I think that is an excellent idea - if a doctor advises him
that it's time to let her go he may have an easier time believing that than
my "feeling" that it's time to let her go. I think I'll make him come with
me tomorrow and see the vet (though I hate to put her through that right
now - but I don't think they'll make a house call for anything but
euthanasia).

Hugs,

CatNipped

Sherry
about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben

CatNipped, DH and I had the same discussion about Ted (RB, calico
queen of the household) - she had rapidly advancing mouth cancer
(probably some kind of osetosarcoma) and more-or-less lost all of the
quality of life that mattered to her. She was DH's soul cat and the
discussion of when to say goodbye was the hardest one we've ever had.
I was torn apart by watching her suffer at the same time as I couldn't
bear to witness DH's heart breaking with his loss. Even remembering
it now makes me cry.
We both took her to the vet and had The Discussion. We were unable to
make the decision at that time, but talking to the vet about the
reality of Ted's prognosis and how her life would continue to degrade
gave us grounds for a further discussion that night so the next day we
were able to mutually decide to say goodbye to Ted.
It is the heaviest responsibility we've ever had to shoulder -
deciding on the lifespan of a beloved friend is incredibly difficult
and we both felt guilty for a long time afterwards, even though we
both knew that we'd done the right thing at the right time.
Tish

"Nomen Nescio" wrote in message
...
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From: "CatNipped"

The problem is Ben. He insists that it isn't time. This morning he
opened
up a can of tuna to show me that she was still interested in food. She
took
some of the water from the bowl, but wouldn't eat any of the tuna. While
she was licking the water Ben kept saying, "You see, she's eating". When
I
insisted it was time he snarled, "Well she's your cat so you do what you
want, but I don't think you should kill her just because she's old and
skinny!"


OK, I may be waaay off base, here. But these are my thoughts.

Ben is a fighter, isn't he?
I mean that in a good way.
Not the bar brawlin', slap the wife around, type of guy.

Yes, he is. He is ever unwilling to accept defeat. We talked a little more
last night and he explained his feelings to me better. To condense the
coversation, I'll quote one thing he said that helped me understand,
"Listen, baby, I understand that you feel you need to end her suffering, and
I won't keep you from doing it... but it's not something I would ever do -
we're just have totally different feelings on the subject, it's the reason
you have a notorized DNR and I don't. I will never accept the end of my
life or the end of the life of someone I love without fighting to the very
last."


The never give up, never surrender, type of guy.
The kind of guy who will crawl on his belly through the fires of Hell
to rescue you.

If that's Ben, you should consider yourself to be a very lucky girl
to have him for a husband. That type is becoming more and more
rare in this country. You've got a guy you will always be able to
depend on when the s**t hits the fan.

Yes, that's Ben, and yes, I am lucky.


But, and it's a big BUT, you've got a guy who has a real problem
with the concept of "futility". This type of person just does NOT
believe in futility. There is ALWAYS something more that can be
done.

To admit that "It's time" with Bandit is to admit that futility does exist
and there are some battles that cannot be won. This is the complete
antithesis to the beliefs on which the "fighter" bases his whole
existence.

Any suggestions?

He may admit it, or he may not, but he loves Bandit. He feels a duty
to protect those he loves.

Yes, he admits it. But he knows that Bandit is my cat (just as Jessie is
his). She has never wanted anything except to be next to me - all of her
life whenever any part of her was touching any part of me she was purring in
contentment.


I assume you truly know in your heart that it's "time".

Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The tumor in
her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes are
filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without falling.

The good news is that she ate a pretty hearty (for her, now) breakfast. I
opened a can of chicken in water and she went back and nibbled on that as
well as her Fancy Feast a number of times. However, I think she senses that
I've made the decision and she's relieved that I have which is why she's
taking some last pleasures in life. I'm going to call the vet shortly to
make the arrangements (I'm hoping he'll come out here today, if not I have
to decide whether to bring her in or wait until Monday). After that I'm
going to take her outside to smell the world for the last time and take a
few last pictures of her.


Tell Ben that this is NOT failure. His duty to Bandit has not changed.
It is the same as it has always been.......To love her, care for her, do
his absolute best for her, and to protect her from pain and suffering.

Tell him that it is now time for him to crawl through the fires of Hell to
rescue Bandit from suffering, and to, himself, take on the personal
pain that will accompany the decision to let her go.

Tell him that Nature, and Time, have chosen the battlefield and
victory against those forces can only be accomplished in one way.
And that is to allow Bandit to withdraw from the fight without
experiencing the suffering that those forces have chosen to inflict
on her.

He can give her no more than that, and should give her nothing
less.

Thank you *SO* much for that, "Nomen", you've brought tears to my eyes (and
I was determined not to cry until all this is over) - but you've also helped
me accept this and showed me how to help Ben accept this.


I'll spare you a story of a time when I was unwilling to take my own
advice.
But I will say that I have regretted it, and will regret it for the rest
of
my life.


My deepest sympathies for the decision you are faced with.
I have faced nothing, in my life, more difficult than having to make
the choice that you, and Ben, are now confronting.

Thank you "Nomen" - you've been a good friend to me for a long time now and
I appreciate your support.



--

Hugs,

CatNipped

See all my masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped/






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On Sat, 2 Jun 2007 09:02:49 -0500, "CatNipped"
wrote:

I've made the decision and she's relieved that I have which is why she's
taking some last pleasures in life. I'm going to call the vet shortly to
make the arrangements (I'm hoping he'll come out here today, if not I have
to decide whether to bring her in or wait until Monday). After that I'm
going to take her outside to smell the world for the last time and take a
few last pictures of her.

This is all so heartbreaking. We're deeply saddened for all of
you. I'm writing through tears even now - we've come to know Bandit
well through the years and truly ache for her pain and for yours.
Hugs. Jeanne

Sherry wrote:
On Jun 1, 8:12 am, "CatNipped" wrote:
When I woke up this morning Bandit was not in bed with me, I found her
hiding behind the sofa in my sitting room and she wouldn't come out for me
when I brought food. I had to pull the sofa out and pick her up. When I
set her down in front of her food she only sniffed it and then walked away
(I know lately she had been taking only a few bites of food lately and I
don't see her drinking any more - but today she wouldn't eat at all). When
I held her face up to me I saw that her right eye was closed and her left
barely open. I knew in my heart that it is time.

The problem is Ben. He insists that it isn't time. This morning he opened
up a can of tuna to show me that she was still interested in food. She took
some of the water from the bowl, but wouldn't eat any of the tuna. While
she was licking the water Ben kept saying, "You see, she's eating". When I
insisted it was time he snarled, "Well she's your cat so you do what you
want, but I don't think you should kill her just because she's old and
skinny!"

I know this is hard for him because it's around the time of year his dad
died - and he just doesn't deal with death at all well, he has a bit of an
irrational fear of sickness and death. But I can't let my baby girl suffer
for it. However, I know if I do this against his will he will bring this up
to me in a nasty way now and every time he gets mad at me.

He said he's off this weekend and we could talk about it some more, but 1. I
don't want to wait and allow her to suffer, 2. I don't think the vet will
make a house call on the weekend, and 3. I don't think he's going to change
his mind overnight.

Any suggestions?

--
Hugs,

CatNipped

This story about made me cry. First, it shows how tenderhearted he is
toward Bandit
that he doesn't want to let her go. You *know* that (outside this
newsgroup & the circle
of "cat people" that's rare). But secondly, he's not being respectful
or kind toward you. You're the
primary caregiver and he should respect your decision. It's a
horrible, difficult decision and
he should be supporting you, not making it harder!
How about arranging a vet appointment as an "evaluation" of her health
and insist that
Ben go along. Clue the vet in beforehand. The doctor can explain to
Ben *exactly* what's going
on inside Bandit and how it makes her feel. What to expect her to go
through in the next few
weeks. Maybe he will listen to a professional and see things from a
different perspective.
Good luck. I am just so sorry you have to go through this.

Sherry
about how Ben feels. She can tell Ben

Excellent suggestion, Sherry. Many purrs going out to CN and Bandit.

Sam, closely supervised by Mistletoe

On Sat, 02 Jun 2007 08:30:09 +0200, Nomen Nescio wrote:

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From: "CatNipped"

The problem is Ben. He insists that it isn't time. This morning he opened
up a can of tuna to show me that she was still interested in food. She took
some of the water from the bowl, but wouldn't eat any of the tuna. While
she was licking the water Ben kept saying, "You see, she's eating". When I
insisted it was time he snarled, "Well she's your cat so you do what you
want, but I don't think you should kill her just because she's old and
skinny!"


OK, I may be waaay off base, here. But these are my thoughts.

Ben is a fighter, isn't he?
I mean that in a good way.
Not the bar brawlin', slap the wife around, type of guy.

The never give up, never surrender, type of guy.
The kind of guy who will crawl on his belly through the fires of Hell
to rescue you.

If that's Ben, you should consider yourself to be a very lucky girl
to have him for a husband. That type is becoming more and more
rare in this country. You've got a guy you will always be able to
depend on when the s**t hits the fan.

But, and it's a big BUT, you've got a guy who has a real problem
with the concept of "futility". This type of person just does NOT
believe in futility. There is ALWAYS something more that can be
done.

To admit that "It's time" with Bandit is to admit that futility does exist
and there are some battles that cannot be won. This is the complete
antithesis to the beliefs on which the "fighter" bases his whole existence.

Any suggestions?

He may admit it, or he may not, but he loves Bandit. He feels a duty
to protect those he loves.

I assume you truly know in your heart that it's "time".

Tell Ben that this is NOT failure. His duty to Bandit has not changed.
It is the same as it has always been.......To love her, care for her, do
his absolute best for her, and to protect her from pain and suffering.

Tell him that it is now time for him to crawl through the fires of Hell to
rescue Bandit from suffering, and to, himself, take on the personal
pain that will accompany the decision to let her go.

Tell him that Nature, and Time, have chosen the battlefield and
victory against those forces can only be accomplished in one way.
And that is to allow Bandit to withdraw from the fight without
experiencing the suffering that those forces have chosen to inflict
on her.

He can give her no more than that, and should give her nothing
less.


I'll spare you a story of a time when I was unwilling to take my own
advice.
But I will say that I have regretted it, and will regret it for the rest of
my life.


My deepest sympathies for the decision you are faced with.
I have faced nothing, in my life, more difficult than having to make
the choice that you, and Ben, are now confronting.



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Your answer reminded me of this old poem from the writings of Edgar A.
Guest:

There is no time that we could set for parting.
We who must remain are never ready for such pain.
Even our prayer would be: "Not yet!
Not yet, dear God -- another day
With us let our beloved stay."
We must believe, when falls the blow
That, wisely, God has willed it so.


Condolences for those who mourn. MLB

On Jun 2, 10:02 am, "CatNipped" wrote:
[[Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The
tumor in
her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes
are
filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without
falling. ]]

I am so sorry to see this. ( I hope that you and Ben can take Bandit
to the vet, and both hear what the vet has to say.

If all treatment options are now exhausted, and there's no more
medical possibility to provide Bandit quality time, I hope the vet can
make that clear for Ben, who's having such difficulty with the
situation. ( Nothing makes that news, nor the decision to request
the Final Act of Mercy, easy to accept. But knowing that it's the
right thing to do can make it a bit less difficult.

You're all in my prayers.

With MMS,

Donna, Captain, and Stanley

Gabey8 wrote:
On Jun 2, 10:02 am, "CatNipped" wrote:
[[Yes, I'm calling the vet this morning as soon as they open. The
tumor in
her brain must have burst some blood vessels, the insides of her eyes
are
filled with blood. Also, she can no longer stand or walk without
falling. ]]

I am so sorry to see this. ( I hope that you and Ben can take Bandit
to the vet, and both hear what the vet has to say.

If all treatment options are now exhausted, and there's no more
medical possibility to provide Bandit quality time, I hope the vet can
make that clear for Ben, who's having such difficulty with the
situation. ( Nothing makes that news, nor the decision to request
the Final Act of Mercy, easy to accept. But knowing that it's the
right thing to do can make it a bit less difficult.

I have faced this situation several times. It is an awful decision and
nothing in the world makes it easy. Then comes the guilt. Be prepared for
that.

Tweed

mlbriggs wrote:
On Sat, 02 Jun 2007 08:30:09 +0200, Nomen Nescio wrote:


There is no time that we could set for parting.
We who must remain are never ready for such pain.
Even our prayer would be: "Not yet!
Not yet, dear God -- another day
With us let our beloved stay."
We must believe, when falls the blow
That, wisely, God has willed it so.


I am going to save this, Marie. It might console me in the future, or I
could send it to a friend who is going through the torment of losing their
beloved/s.
I don't know what I'm going to feel like when KFC departs this life. We
live day to day because of her age.

Tweed

On Sun, 03 Jun 2007 19:29:41 +0100, Christina Websell wrote:

mlbriggs wrote:
On Sat, 02 Jun 2007 08:30:09 +0200, Nomen Nescio wrote:


There is no time that we could set for parting.
We who must remain are never ready for such pain.
Even our prayer would be: "Not yet!
Not yet, dear God -- another day
With us let our beloved stay."
We must believe, when falls the blow
That, wisely, God has willed it so.


I am going to save this, Marie. It might console me in the future, or I
could send it to a friend who is going through the torment of losing their
beloved/s.
I don't know what I'm going to feel like when KFC departs this life. We
live day to day because of her age.

Tweed


Yesterday's postings sent me to my poetry collection. I always intended
to make a scrap book of poetry but a busy life got in the way. I do have
some in scrapbooks, but most are just clippings-- now getting very old.
My Princess (Siamese 16 RB) has been gone for nearly 10 years. I
still remember her daily. Now TuTu is 10 years old and I worry about her.
Purrs for KFC and friends. Best wishes. MLB