The Gift C&C!!! You are warned

Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave

The Gift

I bought something really cool for Dot. The occasion was our 30
something anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,
it is less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. Easy to use, you
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen
one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out {way too
cool!}.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't need no
stinkin' directions - maps either, it's a guy thing), I found that this
particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
disappointing! I do love fire for effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against
a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs what I was so looking forward to. So I
did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, but I have yet to explain to Myra what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home
alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Arnold looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Arnold for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. He is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to Myra to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time?

So! there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses per
ched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The thing said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about
5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone (Arnold looking on with his head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it buddy,)" thinking that a one-second burst
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) So I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
Note: You know, a bad decision in like hindsight-always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Arnold was
standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it
again!"

*(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself, you're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. Miss 'em. Sure would like to get 'em back.

"Dave Gerecke" wrote in message
. ..
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave



Oh my gasp goodness wheeze.....

ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!!

Yowie

"Yowie" wrote
"Dave Gerecke" wrote in message
. ..
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave

Oh my gasp goodness wheeze.....

ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!!

Yowie

WOT SHE SAID ONLY BIGGER!!!!!

Thanks (& Mucho kudos for not experimenting on the d-pet)

Gordon & the FF

In article , Yowie
wrote:

"Dave Gerecke" wrote in message
. ..
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave



Oh my gasp goodness wheeze.....

ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!!

Yowie


Have I redeemed myself?
dave

No cluons were harmed when Dave Gerecke wrote:

[great tazer story]

oh my gosh! Somebody *please* submit this to
alt.humor.best-of-usenet!

Dave, you're a wildman (grin).


Hugs and Purrs,
Mark
--
Proof of Sanity Forged Upon Request

On Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:28:51 +1100, Dave Gerecke
wrote:

Have I redeemed myself?

In spades!!!!

Jeanne

"Mark Edwards" wrote in message
...
No cluons were harmed when Dave Gerecke wrote:

[great tazer story]

oh my gosh! Somebody *please* submit this to
alt.humor.best-of-usenet!

I agree, I just lurk for good cat stories and advise and I get this...that
was FUNNYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
*wipes tears*

Dave, you're a wildman (grin).


Hugs and Purrs,
Mark
--
Proof of Sanity Forged Upon Request

Dave Gerecke wrote in message
. ..
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave

The Gift


*cries laughing*

Dave, I'm so glad you're back.

Jeanette

Dave Gerecke wrote:
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love
it...Dave

The Gift

I bought something really cool for Dot. The occasion was our 30
something anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,
it is less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. Easy to use, you
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen
one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out {way too
cool!}.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't
need no stinkin' directions - maps either, it's a guy thing), I found
that this particular model would not create an arch between the
prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.

I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against
a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs what I was so looking forward to. So I
did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, but I have yet to explain to Myra what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home
alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Arnold looking on intently
(trusting little soul), reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Arnold for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if
I was going to give this thing to Myra to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time?

So! there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses per
ched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The thing said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute
really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone (Arnold looking on with his head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it buddy,)" thinking that a one-second burst
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) So I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
Note: You know, a bad decision in like hindsight-always twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision, even though it seemed so
right at the time. Don't ya hate that?
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Arnold was
standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it
again!"

*(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself, you're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep
in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. Miss 'em. Sure would like to get 'em back.

ROTFLPMP!!! He's back. :-)
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera)
A House is not a home, without a cat.
http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk

Dave you almost caused me to swallow my tongue from laughing so hard