I ain't feeling merry yet...(long)

I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you for all you've been through,
past and present.

Fritzie sounds like a wonderful cat who gave joy and comfort to both his
friends and strangers. Most of us can only hope that we ever do as much good
as he did.

I also had an odd cat dream last night. I dreamed that animal control was
putting cats in tiny, tiny cages way too small to even stand up in, and they
wouldn't listen to me. Maybe disturbing cat dreams are in the ether somehow.

Please don't think that you're a whiner, or weak. You've been through a lot,
and anyway, depression can hit us even when there's nothing wrong. For as
long as I can remember, Christmas has been a mixed bag for me. I love sitting
by the tree at night, just staring at the lights in the dark. I love having
family nearby. But I hate the pressure, the buildup of expectation. The
worry about getting what for whom, even though we all know it's not the
present itself that matters, but it's the thought, and who wants to feel like
they've done a bad job of thinking of their loved ones? *sigh*

One day at a time. Some days are better, some worse. You'll get through it.

*hugs*

--
monique, caretaker of Oscar

"Singh" wrote in message
...

snip stuff that made me cry

I want to be merry. But damn it's hard. I'm really good at coming up
with pep talks for others, why can't I pep myself? Lewis Carroll again:
"She gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom took it!"

Can't do anything that would help in a practical way, but my most heartfelt
prayers and purrs. If you need to let off steam, or write anythign else, my
inbox is always open - I can only offer to listen, but listen I will.

{{{{{Baha}}}}}

Yowie
(mind the spamtrap)


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What a lovely tribute! Fritzie was truly a special cat.
Purrs and hugs,
--
Polonca & Soncek

"Singh" wrote in message
...
I'm exhausted, simply put. snip

The holiday season doesn't make Joel or I particualrly happy either. Joel
has his share of abusive memories from his stepfather - the worse one, I
think was him telling me of a Christmas where his younger brother & sister
(children of his stepfather) had masses of presents under the tree, and he
was just so happy to get a packet of plastic toy soldiers. That was his
*only* present, and he had to get it upstairs, in secret, from his mother.
That just about broke my heart. Other Christmasses were worse, apprantly, as
said stepfather was an abusive alcohoic, and as soon as Joel as old enough
to attempt to defend his mother from beign beaten up, his stepfather turned
his attention to Joel isntead. He still has a star-shaped scar on his temple
where his step father hit him with a brick. How Joel survived that, without
brain damage, is a small miracle. So you can understand why he isn't happy
at Christmas.

My memories of childhood Christmases are happy ones, but I just don't like
they hype and the mad mad rush in the shops, I generally don't have enough
money to afford the presents I'm expected to get, and always end up in debt,
and I especailly resent the "oh, but we've got to be all nice and happy"
sort of thing.

We're both hoping that next year, when Cary starts to understand Christmas,
we can enjoy it through his eyes. We did get a nice photo of all of us with
Santa, which brought happy tears to my eyes. I guess we have to make
Christmas a special time, so that Cary can have happy memories. And one of
the most important things, I think, is to instill in him the idea that being
generous, compassionate and kind is not something we should do *only* at
Christmas, because if we are to believe in the message of Christmas at all,
its something we should do all our lives.

Yowie


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I guess we have to make
Christmas a special time, so that Cary can have happy memories. And one of
the most important things, I think, is to instill in him the idea that being
generous, compassionate and kind is not something we should do *only* at
Christmas, because if we are to believe in the message of Christmas at all,
its something we should do all our lives.

Yowie

That's the wonderful thing about children. You get a second chance to create
your own memories and see christmas as a child all over again. Cary will have
wonderful Christmas memories the rest of his life.

Sherry

In article , Singh
wrote:


I want to be merry. But damn it's hard. I'm really good at coming up
with pep talks for others, why can't I pep myself? Lewis Carroll again:
"She gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom took it!"

Blessed be,
Baha

Purrs that this is a good year and helps to ease the pain. Hang in there
sweety.
Suz
Macmoosette
=^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^=

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick



|\__/|
(=':'=)
(")_(")

I want to be merry. But damn it's hard. I'm really good at coming up
with pep talks for others, why can't I pep myself? Lewis Carroll again:
"She gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom took it!"

Blessed be,
Baha



Purrs for James' full and speedy recovery.
{{{{Baha}}}} purrs for you that each day your spirit may feel a little
brighter and your heart a little lighter.
--
Elise (supervised by Gossamer & Jeeves)
pics:

On Thu, 02 Dec 2004 23:53:55 -0500, Singh
wrote:

I'm exhausted, simply put.

I myself was very lucky in that Christmas was the one time of year
when my family (for the most part) stopped waging war and enjoyed each
other's company, though I do remember one night asking Santa to keep
the toys if only he could make Mom stop fighting with Grandma, and
being shut up in the back room when the extended family were
around--but far more, I remember the vacations we went on when my mom
was happy and friendly, and didn't yell for days on end, and the
things we did together.

That's why I'm such a Yule addict....Solstice and Christmas both
remind me of the best times in my life, which is why I want to prolong
the season (the holiday CDs come out when Samhain's over, usually Nov.
1)

So I have holiday blessings to share, for any who wants them.

*bunts and nuzzles for Baha and all others who need them*

--Fil

"Yowie" had some very interesting
things to say about I ain't feeling merry yet...(long):

Can't do anything that would help in a practical way, but my most heartfelt
prayers and purrs. If you need to let off steam, or write anythign else, my
inbox is always open - I can only offer to listen, but listen I will.

And my inbox is always open to anyone who feels a need or desire to
make use of it.

--
"The universe is quite robust in design and appears to be
doing just fine on its own, incompetent support staff notwithstanding.
:-)" - the Dennis formerly known as (evil), MCFL

More inserted.

--

Christopher A. Young
Learn more about Jesus
www.lds.org
www.mormons.com


"Singh" wrote in message
...
I'm exhausted, simply put. Mandatory overtime at work for the holidays,
spending the rest of the time doing for Joycie and visiting our buddy
who, we just learned, is in ICU with a bitching case of pneumonia so bad
they had to put him on a respirator (purrs for James, please! He has a
collapsed lung and is in rotten shape.) and I am worn thin.
CY: Wow, helps me to appreciate my blessings. I'm fighting a sinus
infection, and winning. Thanks to penicillin.


This is why
you haven't seen me here in a few days. I love you all, but I'd been
needing some beauty rest because I am a freaking mess right now.

I don't like this season all too much. Christmas was the most horrid
time of the year as I was growing up, because there was more abuse. I
sometimes had to "earn the right" to get presents by getting beaten, or
touched. I had my first nervous breakdown (which caused an amnesia that
lasted almost 20 years) less than a week before Christmas, when I had
just turned 14. To this day I have trouble remembering anything prior to
1978.
CY: My parents were seldom satisfied by anything I got them, so Christmas
isn't one of my good holidays. I spend the day in the truck bringing
presents to children and families who aren't expecting me.


I'm sorry. I hate being a whiner, being weak. In addition to my
psychiatrist, I began counseling at the Jewish Center here in Buffalo,
hoping they had experience with Holocaust-related issues. Survivors,
yes.
CY: Even Jesus had to lay down and take a nap now and again. It's not a
weakness.


Remarkably, there are no studies on descendants of survivors, and
were they surprised to learn I'm a Sikh! I suppose you just don't see a
pale, redheaded Sikh every day. Learning that my father actually got
into the camps for helping smuggle Jews out of Poland is making it even
more confusing for those poor social workers.
CY: So, confuse them. They'll get over it.


Last year on December 8, the following things happened in a space of
three hours:
1. I lost my day job.
2. I had to start the evening job I took for the season.
3. I got my period.
4. We had to put our Fritzie to sleep.
CY: Wow! What a list!


He was 19, and the day before had been fine. Then the morning of the
8th, he just crashed and burned. The vet warned us. Liver failure.
Still, he managed to do everything he loved one last time. He went
outside and sat under his favorite rosebush a while. He munched a bit of
catnip, and played with his little tassel on a sting thing, albeit
weakly. He went to every room and meowed loudly, as if he wanted to
leave the resonance behind. And then we took him.

I am indebted to the Georgetown Animal Clinic, and will never refer to
any of their vets as the "TED." They gave Fritzie a bit of painkiller
and allowed us to perform our prayers and blessings for the dying as is
done in Sikh tradition. I held him like a baby as Louie read the Ardaas,
the final prayer, which asks that, in all things, that God/dess be
remembered and that those who nobly lived be nobly received.

How noble was our Fritzie? When there was a suffering creature at the
vet's office, he'd go and make affectionate gestures that always seemed
to calm them down. The poor creatures who were about to cross over
always seemed less tense and less in pain after Fritzie rubbed up on
them. And when it was his time and he heard the heartbreaking sound of a
dog in pain who was about to be euthanized, he tried to jump at the door
to go to him. This is why I'll jump down someone's throat, who says a
cat is cold or animals are just dumb beasts. As Lewis Carroll once
wrote, if God loves sinful man, how much more must he love the animals,
who cannot sin!
CY: I'm with you.


When we were leaving, everyone in the office stood up. Ever see "To Kill
a Mockingbird," when Atticus loses the Robinson case and, despite this,
the defendant's friends and neighbors stand to salute his attorney?
CY: Not often people see real nobility and decency. They saw that in
Atticus.


That's what it was like. They all loved Fritzie. He was their research
boy for feline diabetes, and he was also their poster boy for diabetes
screening and their example of how a cat can have great quality of life
with consistent and watchful care. But they also thought he was a sweet
and noble fellow, with a great wisdom and dignity. He was saluted by the
staff, and the clients who knew him, as if a great leader had left this
world. Perhaps it was so; he was spiritual, and was attracted to
prayers, holy music, and meditation. I think there must be an aura of
sorts around a person in prayer, and a cat can sense it.
CY: I've found that animals behave differently around me when I'm more
spiritual. I mentioned that in my email to you, off the group.


That night I went on a shopping freak before starting the temp job at
the mall, and had to call Louie to take away my debit card. I swear on
my mother's dentures that I don't remember buying that makeup.
CY: Nothing like stress.


I took
four valium before starting at Bath & Body Works. I don't remember much
about my first night there either.
CY: And now they probably wonder what is wrong. I'm guessing they thought
your first day was the rage.


When we received the ashes we had our last ceremony. Sikhs release the
ashes of their cremated loved ones into running water. Water represents
cleansing for our souls and the power of God/dess (our Gurus taught that
the Supreme is One, yet both Mother and Father) to refresh us in our
grief. It is not seen as a throwing away, but giving the remains back to
our Mother Earth in recognition of the teaching that our divine creator
restores as well as destroys. Our prayer for the dying says that nature
performs the true ritual worship, and while the soul is united with
God/dess as a bride with her mate, the earthly part of the being joins
with nature in praise.
CY: Profound.


The vets sent us magnificent roses. Perhaps they knew that Fritzie's
favorite place was beneath a large rosebush in our back yard. We
carefull saved the petals and placed them in the carved rosewood box
they'd given us for his ashes. After a year, they still smell of roses.
We also received a surprise; before preparing Fritzie for his crossing,
the doctor made an imprint of his paw, had it formed into a heart-shaped
ornament with his name, and sent it to us. We keep in in the box with
the rose petals, and it has taken in the sweet scent. He had huge paws.
But then, he had a huge spirit.

So you'll excuse me, I hope, if I'm a little bah-humbug right now. I
love my four babies dearly, but that day was just harrowing. I've been
having nightmares of late, of "losing" one of my cats: them running off,
or me literally misplacing them. Like you can misplace a cat! Last night
I had a misplaced Brandy dream. Right. She is the most in-your-face of
the four, coming in to walk on us at 4 AM until one of us wakes up to
pet her.
CY: Well, I've had a couple nightmares the last week or two. Can't remember
at the moment what they were.


I want to be merry. But damn it's hard. I'm really good at coming up
with pep talks for others, why can't I pep myself? Lewis Carroll again:
"She gave herself very good advice, though she very seldom took it!"
CY: Sounds like you are good old fashioned worn out.



Blessed be,
Baha
CY: Thanks. Hope you'll be home Sunday the 5th when I'm in town for the
single adult meeting.