Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

"Lesley" wrote in message
...
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out. I can
understand why you were upset.

(((((((((Lesley))))))))))

Joy

"Lesley" wrote in message
...
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Yes, but don't waste your time and brain space on him. It's so distressing
when siblings act like a**h***s, especially after a parent's death, because
you so much wish you could all be on the same page.


--
Theresa, Stinky and Dante
drtmuirATearthlink.net

Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh

On May 18, 11:09*am, "Joy" wrote:

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out.

I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other
worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing
and had planned to call him and say I'd done it

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it is like
he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes like
forever to me that is. I really don't worry much about how others feel. I
have learned that part of handling grief for some is to put the person in a
private box in their heart. It would hurt too much to show they still
cared. You did the right thing for you, and I am proud of you for doing it,
just let each handle it in their own way or you will be miserable and, you
don't need that.
"Lesley" wrote in message
...
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

"Lesley" wrote in message
...
On May 18, 11:09 am, "Joy" wrote:

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out.

I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other
worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing
and had planned to call him and say I'd done it

Lesley

***

You are a good person, Lesley.

Joy

"Lesley" wrote in message
...

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam


Rant away. If my kids forget to bring me flowers on the anniversary of my
death, I'm going to come back and haunt them. I don't send flowers to my
parents, but there are a lot of good reasons for that. Like I not only live
across the country, but the only person available to put them on the graves
is totally unreliable, a liar, and a thief. I think of Mom every Memorial
day as she died on Memorial day 1971. I try not to think about my father.

Pam S.

"Granby" wrote in
:

Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it
is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and
sometimes like forever to me that is. I really don't worry much about
how others feel. I have learned that part of handling grief for some
is to put the person in a private box in their heart. It would hurt
too much to show they still cared. You did the right thing for you,
and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each handle it in their
own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that.
"Lesley" wrote in message
.
..



well put.

My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.
Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave sites, my
parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at sea so he has no
grave site anyway). If someone wanted to draw a conclusion about how much
I loved my mother by my not visiting a grave they are welcome to conclude
what they like. I try to carry my parents with me every day (what would
Dad do, what would Mom do?). If there is someone whose standard I don't
meet in this, screw them.

Andy

Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. But then again, he's a bloke, and blokes
generally just don't 'get' how important flowers can be at any
time/occasion. Also looking at it in a kindly light - if he's got a lot of
other worries at the moment, he could well be utterly distracted by those.
And, everyone handles grief differently, there is no single 'right way' for
a person to grieve. It may be that he finds it upsetting to talk about your
mum and being a bloke, shuts it off... copuld be all sorts of reasons.

*hugs*

Lesley wrote:
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

snip

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

I don't know your brother, but clearly your brother didn't think flowers
were important, and you did. Thats why you went back with flowers. But its
not really about flowers...

There are two issues he that he 'doesn't think of your mother much'
whilst you do, and that he didn't listen to you and your desire to get
flowers (even though they were unimportant to him).

If I was in that situation, I would have interpretted those two things as
him not caring about me and my feelings, and him not caring about our
mother. *That* would have me royally annoyed too.

Yowie