OT HURRICANE JOKES

Hurricane Jokes


I thought a little humor is need for today specially with a heavy duty
tropical storm on my doorsteps



Late-Night Jokes About New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those
truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

"This Mardi Gras will be a little different. This year when drunks yell up
at the balcony, 'Show us your boobs!' Michael Brown and Michael Chertoff
walk out." --Bill Maher

"Mardi Gras is going on in New Orleans. Actually it's scaled down quite a
bit. Now when you throw a bead, women only flash one boob." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be
followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday." --Jay
Leno

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was
watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt
Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

"They have the big parade down in New Orleans and this year FEMA has a
float, but it's not expected 'til labor day." --David Letterman

"In New Orleans, the Paris Casino reopened and officials are calling it a
sign of progress.

If you didn't lose your house before, you can now." --Jay Leno

The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah,
they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months." --Jay
Leno


"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year
come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always
had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that
this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits
you about a week later." --Bill Maher

"They say the toxic water and sludge smells so bad in New Orleans that
they're thinking of renaming the city Newark." --Jay Leno

"The rebuilding of New Orleans is already underway. The relief and
reconstruction contracts for rebuilding the city have already been awarded,
many of them no bid. Among the recipients, major Republican contributors
Bechtel and Fluor, the Shaw Group, client of Joe Allbaugh, ex-FEMA head,
and, of course, come on, don't be shy, say it with me -- Halliburton." --Jon
Stewart

"Taking a page from their tsunami playbook, the White House announced today
that former presidents Bush and Bill Clinton will head up the fundraising
efforts for the hurricane relief. And you know, Bill Clinton is no stranger
to this kind of thing. He was once visiting the French Quarter during a
hurricane and got blown behind a dumpster." --Bill Maher

"But hey, it is New Orleans. Watching today, I could tell that this city has
not lost its hope. It has not lost its distinctive pluck, because every time
rescue teams would toss supplies to people, women flashed their
tits." --Bill Maher




Funny Jokes - HURRICANE JOKES - Hurricane Tips

HURRICANE TIPS:

Things to remember about hurricanes:

The best way to survive a hurricane is to plan ahead. When it hits, plan to
have your head somewhere else.

Remember, it is usually much more difficult to buy flood insurance during a
hurricane.

A hurricane watch means there is a threat of hurricane conditions within 24
to 36 hours. So there is still plenty of time to board up the windows and
find your swim fins.

A hurricane warning means, if you hang around, within 24 hours you will have
a very bad hair day and a dishpan body.

The good thing about hurricanes is that in the eye of the storm, nobody pays
that much attention to your makeup.

Remember to keep fresh batteries in your radio. Though during an actual
hurricane, Howard Stern may not be that funny.

You know it's time to evacuate when you notice lawn furniture in the trees.

Be sure to store drinking water in a clean bath tub. To take a bath, just
step outside naked for seven seconds.

Always keep a flashlight handy. Nobody wants to drown in the dark.




The Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas:

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping
gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends calling from out-of-state
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles

and the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ... having a
tree in your house!



'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick
More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!

In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

&! nbsp;A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the r oads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"The heck with this place,
Vermont seems just right!"



Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee to inform the
people of Florida of new state symbols, brought on by this year's hurricane
season:

The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp...............

The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw.....

The new State song will be " Blowing in the Wind"..................

The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one".....

The new state beverage will be............anything with an alcohol base.

The new State tree will be any that are left standing at the end of
hurricane season.

The new State Bird will be the "whipper"will.............

The new State nickname will be "State of Emergency"................






(The 2004 Hurricane Season Version)

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names
of Charley, Frances, Ivan, or Jeanne

If an airboat is parked in your drive instead of a car.

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent
the house color

You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really
means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from
your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power
company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood,
roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own
sand bags

You're considering upgrading from a 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector,
face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry
ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around
in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your
neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric


And finally - you might be a Floridian if... you ask your sister up north to
start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds






Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?
A. Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they
leave they take your house and your car.



Q. Why are hurricanes named after men?
A. Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you
look into their eyes there's nothing there.


Q. whats the difference between hurricane bonnie and hurricane monica?
A. hurricane monica blew a crooked path
A. hurricane bonnie induced only one surge (vs 18)



What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Hang on to your nuts - this isn't going to be a regular blow job!



Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.



A man once asked his friend the difference between a cyclone, A hurricane
and a divorced wife.
Nothing, They all get the house.



What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common?
They make Jamaicans run like hell.



I understand that in Dade county, there's a run on flat house paint.



H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z
--------------------------------------------

1. How are hurricane's names selected?

a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them


2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?

a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII


3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling
West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH
leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would
they meet?

a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a
blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop
and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West


4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and
see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that
enters your mind?

a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield


5. A hurricane is dangerous if...

a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way


6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?

a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings


7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?

a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Two words -- Duct tape


8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed
to be heading in your direction?

a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building


9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?

a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach


10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?

a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls


11. Where should you evacuate?

a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of
Florida's many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft


12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?

a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50' of water