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In the fine newsgroup "rec.pets.cats.anecdotes", Tanada
artfully composed this message within
link.net on 23
Aug 2004:

It is amazing how many people are made totally uncomfortable by
cancer. I'm not sure if it's because they think it's catching,
the operation scars can be ugly

Pam, in my experience of having lost my son, people in general
don't like to talk about horrifying things (to them) because either
they don't know what to say, or they don't want to upset you. I
read a poem on alt.support.grief that fit me totally, and it helps
to understand both why people don't say what you expect them to
say, and why we react when they either do or don't say something.
I'm going to post it, but I don't expect many to understand it.


You Can't Win With Me

by Jane Warland~1996

If you say to me,
"How are you doing?,"
With such sympathy and
meaning in your voice,
I reply, "I'm fine,"
And brush you off,
Because to talk about my loss
with you is just too painful.
If you see me
And don't mention the loss
that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough,
Or are too scared to mention it
For fear that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.

If you say, "I'm sorry your son died,"
It is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say, "I'm sorry too!"
or "It's awful!"
I want to scream, "It's not fair!!"
But I won't because I don't
want to upset myself today,
Not in front of you.
So I reply, "Thank you."
That thanks means so much
more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
Thanks for trying to help,
Thanks for realizing that
I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to
say to me, that's okay.
Because I don't know what
to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh,
Don't assume I must have
forgotten my son for the moment.
I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean.
I'm getting good at picking
up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think
I look upset or sad,
You are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary
day for me,
Or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything
I'll think you don't care about me,
But if you do say something,
It might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk,
But don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.

Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
However trite you might feel they are.
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all
I need to be treated normally,
Like it used to be before
all of this happened.
But I know it's impossible.
That carefree, naive
person is gone forever,
And I am mourning that loss too.

So you can't win with me.



I printed this and posted it on my bulletin board in my office and
so far no one has read it/made a comment. But I hoped that if they
did, they would understand me better because this fits how I feel.
--
Cheryl
/dangit, now I have mascara in my eyes and I cant see

Howard Berkowitz wrote:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody delicately trying
to keep their balance on a slippery surface, and break their
concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

LOL! Don't ever play pool with such a person.

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the surface.

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.

Joyce

Howard Berkowitz wrote:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody delicately trying
to keep their balance on a slippery surface, and break their
concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

LOL! Don't ever play pool with such a person.

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the surface.

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.

Joyce

Howard Berkowitz wrote:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody delicately trying
to keep their balance on a slippery surface, and break their
concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

LOL! Don't ever play pool with such a person.

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the surface.

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.

Joyce

In the fine newsgroup "rec.pets.cats.anecdotes", Howard Berkowitz
artfully composed this message within
on 24 Aug 2004:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody
delicately trying to keep their balance on a slippery surface,
and break their concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the
surface.

)

This is what I love about them.

--
Cheryl

In the fine newsgroup "rec.pets.cats.anecdotes", Howard Berkowitz
artfully composed this message within
on 24 Aug 2004:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody
delicately trying to keep their balance on a slippery surface,
and break their concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the
surface.

)

This is what I love about them.

--
Cheryl

In the fine newsgroup "rec.pets.cats.anecdotes", Howard Berkowitz
artfully composed this message within
on 24 Aug 2004:

These are tend to be the same people that see somebody
delicately trying to keep their balance on a slippery surface,
and break their concentration by yelling "BE CAREFUL!"

A cat, mind you, will simply demonstrate how to get across the
surface.

)

This is what I love about them.

--
Cheryl

wrote

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.


LOL! Well done, Joyce, to get her confidence back so quickly.

--
Marina, Frank and Nikki
Email marina (dot) kurten (at) pp (dot) inet (dot) fi
Pics at http://uk.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/frankiennikki

wrote

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.


LOL! Well done, Joyce, to get her confidence back so quickly.

--
Marina, Frank and Nikki
Email marina (dot) kurten (at) pp (dot) inet (dot) fi
Pics at http://uk.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/frankiennikki

wrote

Actually, today Roxy demonstrated a decided lack of grace. My clothes
bureau is next to my bedroom closet, and there's a high shelf in the
closet that Roxy likes to leap up to and hang out on. She gets up there
by jumping up from the bureau. But today there was a thin book on the
bureau, so when she pushed off with her back legs, the book went the
other way, leaving her with insufficient energy to reach the closet shelf.
She landed on the closet floor, which luckily had a big folded comforter
on it, so it was a soft landing. But not on her dignity - she actually
raced out of the room, looking chagrined. (I had to cover my mouth to
mute my chuckles.)

She came back a few minutes later, eyeing the bureau suspiciously. I
moved the evil book out of the way, cheering her on, "Come on, Roxy,
get back up on that horse! You can do it!" She leapt up effortlessly,
and is still up there now - I believe she is still hiding from
embarrassment.


LOL! Well done, Joyce, to get her confidence back so quickly.

--
Marina, Frank and Nikki
Email marina (dot) kurten (at) pp (dot) inet (dot) fi
Pics at http://uk.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/frankiennikki