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Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat



 
 
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Old April 2nd 06, 08:30 PM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Default Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes
are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in
the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it
aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner
beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so
it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to
claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to
pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden
leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch,
no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering
pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the
carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong
when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for
you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball
in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I
cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train,
usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't
hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest
fashions.


 




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