Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with
their own things.

If you want to take flowers, take them. Do it yourself. Other people
have their own house to put in order and they have to do it
themselves.

It may be that your brother does not consider flowers important (It
took me several years to explain that even if DP thought sending cards
for special occasions was stupid, the gesture was meaningful to his
grandparents and parents). He DID visit the marker with you, that has
to count for something.

I may look bad to many of my relatives for not attending my
grandmother's funeral (she is the one who raised me). I spent my
money going to see her when she was ALIVE earlier that year and had no
money left to fly to a funeral, nor did I want to pressure my mom into
giving me money as I got the impression she didn't want me there (she
had her own grief to deal with and we inevitably fight when we're in
close contact too long, even WITHOUT outside pressures like a death in
the family). I have a shrine to my grandmother in my house and I
think that does her a greater service than me fighting with my mom at
the funeral--the only thing is, none of the family knows, and they
might well think me a loser. I can live with that.

Maybe your brother shows his grief in other ways (and doesn't want to
tell) or maybe he really has moved on almost completely, but that's
not really your concern--your OWN relationship to your mother is.

Yes, I'd be upset if it were me.

I have always told my children to give me flowers, come and see me while I
know they are here. I have seen friends go into debt to fly across the
country when someone dies and I know the person would hate that if they
knew. Give the love now, once someone is gone, that is the end of it.
"Enfilade" wrote in message
...

You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with
their own things.

If you want to take flowers, take them. Do it yourself. Other people
have their own house to put in order and they have to do it
themselves.

It may be that your brother does not consider flowers important (It
took me several years to explain that even if DP thought sending cards
for special occasions was stupid, the gesture was meaningful to his
grandparents and parents). He DID visit the marker with you, that has
to count for something.

I may look bad to many of my relatives for not attending my
grandmother's funeral (she is the one who raised me). I spent my
money going to see her when she was ALIVE earlier that year and had no
money left to fly to a funeral, nor did I want to pressure my mom into
giving me money as I got the impression she didn't want me there (she
had her own grief to deal with and we inevitably fight when we're in
close contact too long, even WITHOUT outside pressures like a death in
the family). I have a shrine to my grandmother in my house and I
think that does her a greater service than me fighting with my mom at
the funeral--the only thing is, none of the family knows, and they
might well think me a loser. I can live with that.

Maybe your brother shows his grief in other ways (and doesn't want to
tell) or maybe he really has moved on almost completely, but that's
not really your concern--your OWN relationship to your mother is.

Yes, I'd be upset if it were me.

"Lesley" wrote in message
...
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....



Right or wrong apply to what we do, not to how we feel.

We pretty much feel what we feel, not a whole lot of choice about it.

What matters to some of us, doesn't matter a bit to others. Much to
everyone's dismay a lot of the time.

I know it would never occur to Charlie to remember the date of anyone's
death, much less to make a point of visiting or bringing flowers. We were
trying to figure out a while ago when he last saw his nephew. It was at
his mother's funeral, I think. Probably about twelve years ago. I'm not
sure and he has no clue. Only that close as his nephew's daughter is
getting married next month and I think she was about five then.

As you might imagine, he isn't really big on birthdays and anniversaries,
etc either.

So while there isn't any right or wrong about how you feel, you are
annoyed. That is just as fair and legitimate as his inability to see and
understand that it matters to you. Even when you told him.

Jo

On May 18, 10:08*pm, Lesley wrote:
Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and *get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Maybe he can't really take the pain and so blocks out thoughts of Mum?

I don't know if I told you folks or not but, I sort of got kicked off a
GRIEF site. I went there just looking for something, not sure what, because
by the time Bob died it was a relief for him and me. Caregivers often feel
that way when there is so much pain involved. Anyway I understand some stay
on these sites for a long time to help others but, I did a post about "how
it seemed so many only talked of the day their loved ones lift this earth
and, not celebrated their life. I mean a lot of them jumped on me and said I
was so insensitive so, I wished them a happy life and Rainbows and Warm
Breezes and left.
"Matthew" wrote in message
...

"outsider" wrote in message
...
"Granby" wrote in
:

Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it
is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and
sometimes like forever to me that is. I really don't worry much about
how others feel. I have learned that part of handling grief for some
is to put the person in a private box in their heart. It would hurt
too much to show they still cared. You did the right thing for you,
and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each handle it in their
own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that.
"Lesley" wrote in message
.
..



well put.

My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.
Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave sites,
my
parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at sea so he has
no
grave site anyway). If someone wanted to draw a conclusion about how
much
I loved my mother by my not visiting a grave they are welcome to conclude
what they like. I try to carry my parents with me every day (what would
Dad do, what would Mom do?). If there is someone whose standard I don't
meet in this, screw them.

Andy

Nothing wrong with that I firmly believe the body is just a husk. the
soul joins the rest of the people, family, friends, furballs that love me
and are there to watch over me. I don't mourn the dead I celebrate
their life. I took me a little while to come back and realize that with
Spirit's death yes it hurt but I know he is up there waiting with the rest
of the ones that I love driving them insane like he did to me here. By
the gods how I miss him butI will see him again

outsider wrote:
"Granby" wrote in
:

Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died. His 2 kids, it
is like he never existed. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and
sometimes like forever to me that is. I really don't worry much
about how others feel. I have learned that part of handling grief
for some is to put the person in a private box in their heart. It
would hurt too much to show they still cared. You did the right
thing for you, and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each
handle it in their own way or you will be miserable and, you don't
need that. "Lesley" wrote in message
.
..



well put.

My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.
Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave
sites, my parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at
sea so he has no grave site anyway). If someone wanted to draw a
conclusion about how much I loved my mother by my not visiting a
grave they are welcome to conclude what they like. I try to carry my
parents with me every day (what would Dad do, what would Mom do?).
If there is someone whose standard I don't meet in this, screw them.

Andy

Well said, Andy. I'm still fortunate enough to have both my parents though I
still feel the pain of losing my younger brother in '99, he has no grave,
his ashes were scattered in the park where he wlked his dog. I don't have
visit a place to remember someone and to me flowers would be a waste, I'd
rather make a donation to a charity.
--
Adrian (Owned by Snoopy, Bagheera & Shadow)
Cats leave pawprints on your heart
http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk

As others have said, different people grieve differently. I'd add that
after a death - and quite a long time after a death - I think I lot of
people are naturally very sensitive to issues surrounding the death. I
know I am.

In my family, most of us don't do much with flowers for the dead. Some
of us remember anniversaries; others (including me) tend to block out
dates although we do remember our dead - just not on particular days.
When it comes to funerals and memorials we range from none at all to
traditional religous funerals, depending on the best guess of the
nearest relatives as to what would be most appropriate. So I have had
some experience biting my tongue when people don't do what I would have
preferred.

It would have been nice if your brother had realized how important the
flowers were to you, but you got them anyway, and both of you paid
tribute to your mother in your own ways.

Cheryl

"Adrian" wrote in


My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.
Little time goes by that I don't think of them. I don't go grave
sites, my parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at
sea so he has no grave site anyway). If someone wanted to draw a
conclusion about how much I loved my mother by my not visiting a
grave they are welcome to conclude what they like. I try to carry my
parents with me every day (what would Dad do, what would Mom do?).
If there is someone whose standard I don't meet in this, screw them.

Andy

Well said, Andy. I'm still fortunate enough to have both my parents
though I still feel the pain of losing my younger brother in '99, he
has no grave, his ashes were scattered in the park where he wlked his
dog. I don't have visit a place to remember someone and to me flowers
would be a waste, I'd rather make a donation to a charity.


If anyone asks me who my heroes are I answer my biggest hero is my
Father. There are so many reasons; his humanity, his clear unvarying
moral compass and the fact that as we were growing up he worked two full
time jobs and one part time job (leaving about 4 hours to sleep) so we
could have the things my 3 siblings and I needed. He was one of the most
intelligent people I ever met despite a limited education career. He
gave my sibs and myself (my mother helped too) a love of music that has
made life bearable at the worst of time and a true joy at the best of
times. When I told him I felt this way he said he never expected me to
be the one who would feel that way about him when he remembered some of
the things that went on between us (we fought a lot when I was a teen).
I told him he was using the wrong memories; I remembered him carrying me
on his shoulder to the doctor when I sprained my foot and how he almost
cried when the allergy doctor gave me injections in my nose (it really
only looked bad). Then I said what memories are you thinking of (wise
guy me)? The last time I saw him he said "you were always my favorite (I
kind of always knew that) and I told him he was always mine. I told him
I loved him and he me and that was the last I saw him. There is little
chance I could ever fill his shoes but that is ok with me.

Andy