Customer complaint, UK-style

Someone (an American) posted this to an email list I'm on. I have
no idea whether it's actually true - maybe someone from the UK can
verify? - but it is certainly amusing! It even has a paragraph
toward the end that makes it on-topic for this ng.

Enjoy,
Joyce

-------------------------------------------------------

"COMPLAINT LETTER OF THE YEAR"
------------------------------

The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer
Complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later,
my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4
weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and
begun to pay for it.

I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled boock jugglers.

I have been informed:

- That a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);

- That no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);

- That I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off);

- That I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to
an answer machine informing me that your office is closed);

- That I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations
on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold
music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh!t, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore
was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and
disappointment what a useless shower of b4stards you truly are. You
are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest order.

British Telecom - ******s though they are - shine like brilliant
Beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my
futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort
payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief, quickly replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and
its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twits.

John

Someone (an American) posted this to an email list I'm on. I have
no idea whether it's actually true - maybe someone from the UK can
verify? - but it is certainly amusing! It even has a paragraph
toward the end that makes it on-topic for this ng.

I've seen it before, it's been lurking on the Net for some time. Don't know if
it's true or fabricated. It's certainly funny though.

Cheers, helen s
--This is an invalid email address to avoid spam--
to get correct one remove dependency on fame & fortune
h*$el*$$e**nd***$o$ts***i*$*$m**m$$o*n**s@$*$a$$o* *l.c**$*$om$$

This is especially funny if you hear John Cleeses voice in your head reading
it.

Karen

"dirtylitterboxofferingstospammers" wrote in
message ...
Someone (an American) posted this to an email list I'm on. I have
no idea whether it's actually true - maybe someone from the UK can
verify? - but it is certainly amusing! It even has a paragraph
toward the end that makes it on-topic for this ng.

I've seen it before, it's been lurking on the Net for some time. Don't
know if
it's true or fabricated. It's certainly funny though.

I don't know either but it certianly "reads" with a very proper English
accent!

Yowie

"Karen Chuplis" wrote in message
...
This is especially funny if you hear John Cleeses voice in your head
reading it.

Karen


wow - that happened to you, too? LOL
Brenda

"Karen Chuplis" wrote
This is especially funny if you hear John Cleeses voice in your head
reading
it.


Oh - you're right! ROFL!

--
Marina