[OT] Tactfulness, thy name is Mom (not)

Wow..talk about Brit forthrightness, LOL! Nonetheless, I'm sure you
eventually forgave her, but that didn't help the hurt, did it? My Mom was
overweight, and she died in '69 (the day they held "Woodstock Festival" in
NY).
The only reason she didn't say stuff like that was that I was skinny up till
about 20 years later.....But Moms got other ways to push our buttons, don't
they?
Sincere wishes for you feeling much better every day forward.


"Charleen Welton" wrote in message
m...

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~

Let's review. I tell my mom I'm planning to buy longer shorts for work,
and she tells me that my current shorts look awful (because, you see,
I'm heinously fat, at least according to my mom. Nevermind that I
mountain bike for miles at altitude in the mountains, that I practice
martial arts and go hiking with my friends ... that's not important.
What's important is the number on my pants, and clearly the way to get
me a smaller number is to lambast me about how I look like crap at every
opportunity).

You know, I really try to have a good body image ... DH loves my body.
Sure, I'd like to shed a few pounds, but then, so would the vast
majority of Americans. I'd rather be overweight and active than thin
and inactive, that's for damn sure.

I don't know how to make it so that comments like this don't hurt.

She doesn't just pull this stunt with me ... while we were staying with
my aunt, a woman that my mother adores and who has had several
unsuccessful marriages, my mom somehow went off on a tangent (unrelated
to my aunt) about how you wouldn't want to be a woman who's been married
several times ... when all of us immediately tried to shut her up, she
kept trying to "explain," making it worse every time. While we were
visiting some of my aunt's friends, one was talking about a horrible
flight back from Germany in which, among other things, she was served
no food. Mom instantly insisted that "You're lying. Lufthansa always
serves great meals, and you can ask anyone." And then proceeded to
defend that thesis vehemently while the rest of us turned pale and tried
to shut her up.

There's a quote I found ... I honestly don't know where it comes from
(anyone know?) ... but I wish I could somehow make Mom's words pass
through this filter before they came out her mouth:

"The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass
through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ouselves, 'Are these
words true?' If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At
the second gate, we ask, 'Are they necessary?' At the last gate, we
ask, 'Are they kind?'"
-Eknath Easwaran


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Ah Monique how I wish I had heard that quote many years ago. I, like you,
love my mom, but oh the connection between her brain and her mouth is like
a
slide with no buffers or stops. My family and I were approaching the
gathering where there was in progress the celebration of my dear
Grandfather
93rd birthday. Mother had arrived before we had. I was walking up to
join
the family. I take after her in that I am stocky, that day I was wearing
a
dark purple dress with rick rack trim. She stated loudly as we approached
the group, "Charleen, you look like a purple dirigible." I was truly
tested
that day!!

I know how you felt. Love and understanding is our armour.

Charleen

in article , Monique Y. Mudama at
wrote on 6/26/05 12:46 PM:

Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother. She is a good
person, she's kind-hearted, and she doesn't mean to hurt anyone.

It's just that she seems to have no filter between her brain and her
mouth.

So yesterday, I'm on the phone with my parents. I tell them I was
going to get a few pairs of shorts appropriate for work.

"Well, you shouldn't wear shorts to work. It looks bad."

"I know the shorts I have aren't appropriate for work. That's why I'm
going to get a few nicer, longer pairs. Lots of people wear shorts at
this company."

"Well, good, because you look awful in those short shorts you have
now."

@#% !#!@#~@!~


This is somewhat my mom. I have the solace in as much as my mom goes on and
on about weight, she fights that battle (much better than I do, BTW, and
with more steadfastness) herself. I know she only wants me to be the best I
can be. My siblings take this all much worse than I do and become defensive
instead of agreeing and going past the subject. I mean, just say "Uh-huh,
mom" and then try to change the subject. We aren't going to change them, and
in the end, they don't say these things to hurt but in their mind they are
offering advice. That it comes out wrong is something we can't change. For
my mom, it is just something that she always *wished* she could do, and
wished her mom had cared enough to say to her (never mind that had she done
that, my mom would have been like us and somewhat offended, but her mom just
plain didn't care much about her period, so any attention would have been
good.)

We can't change them, so we might as well accept them and steer the
conversation as best we can away from certain subjects.

I totally understand what you're going through

I'm almost 27, and my mother went back to school and became a personal
trainer. Talk about ick..... So I'm ALWAYS hearing it.

According to her I'm about twenty pounds overweight and at a high risk
for Type two Diabetes. According to my physician, yes I could lose a
little weight, but other than that I'm healthy, including my blood
sugar.

He told me, "What do I have to do to convince you that you don't have
Diabetes?" I said, "It's not me that needs the convincing." I tell my
mother this and she says that my doctor isn't reading the latest
research.

She's always on me about my weight, and it really ticks me off. I've
worked very hard my entire life; done through countless psychologists
and anti-depressents; to feel better about myself. I'm going to school
and working hard to make a career. I have a nice apartment and two
best friends and three furry owners. I'm living reasonably okay for a
girl of my age and I feel happy just to be alive. I'm reasonably happy
with myself and I like having that feeling. But just as I do, she goes
and pulls me right back down.

It's always something with my mom and dad. It's not my weight, it's
money, since they have been supporting me since I went to college at
18. I go to school and work, but I don't have enough to support myself
so they help out with a monthly allowance. And if it's not that, it's
my career as a technician. Where am I going to work after graduation?
How much will it pay? "You need to have a set plan when you graduate
this time so you don't repeat what you did at UCLA"

After graduating from UCLA with a bachelor's in theater, I was sending
out my headshots looking for an agent, and trying to work temp jobs and
stuff. I ran out of money, and yes I know I gained weight and
developed a slight drinking problem so I decided to go back to school.
I know they don't want me to repeat the same mistake, and I certainly
dont either.

Like I said, I had a slight drinking problem, and though it's not
completely fixed, it's a LOT better than it used to be. To me that
says something. To me, any progress is better than none. So when my
mother calls me up and says, "I noticed you're checking account was low
so I looked at it and those trips to the liquor store are going to have
to stop"

WTF????? She doesn't know the first about my problems, mainly because
I refuse to tell her cause I'm sick and tired of her criticisms. And
besides, she is one of the reasons why I drink in the first place.

My parents have given me a lot. They support me financially every
month and I appreciate and hate it very much. But it will be a while
before I can support myself so I can't do anything. I was going to do
springboard diving training this summer with an NCAA coach but I can't
because I can't afford it and I'm not going to ask my parents for
money.

This is why I don't talk to my mother that often. This is why I don't
fly home and visit often. And this is why I don't plan to have kids.
I worry a lot just like my mother, and I know if I have kids I will
worry all the time, but I'm sure as hell not going to put my kid
through what my parents have put me through. And I know it is
emotionally painful for them to have to deal with me, and I'm not going
to go through that either.

"We're not going to be here forever. The bank's not going to give you
any money, and your brother and sister aren't going to loan you any
either." Yeah, like i really would stoop so low as to ask my siblings
for money.

But they are my parents, and my mother will always be my mother. I
just wish I can have a conversation with her without always resisting
the urge to strangle her.


Okay, enough rambling...

Hugs to everyone who has mother and parental issue

Kristi

I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.


Kristi

"Mischief" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.


Kristi


Unless you are 2 ft 6 ins high, she has got it well wrong ;-)

Cheers, helen s

"jmcquown" wrote in message news:apCve.9079

My mom doesn't do this to the extent Monique describes, but sometimes she
gets on a tangent and won't let up. I remember once when my folks were in
town we went out to dinner. I'm a natural blonde but my eyebrows have
always been darker than my hair. I also don't pluck them into
non-existence
like some women do, I just keep them trimmed in their natural line along
the
brow. That particular evening I used a clear NO COLOUR eyebrow gel when I
put on my makeup. Mom kept staring at me and asking why my eyebrows were
so
dark. I told her I'd used the gel stuff. Still she stared. "But I don't
remember them being so dark." "Well, it makes them look a little darker,
I
guess, but you know they've always been dark, Mom." A few minutes later,
"I
just can't get over how dark your eyebrows are!" You get the drift?
Apparently the topic for dinner conversation was going to be my eyebrows,
come hell or high water!

Jill

You sound like part of my family. I have several cousins with naturally
blonde hair and dark eyebrows. I've always thought it was an unusual and
attractive combination.

Jo

"Mischief" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's horrible! Would
she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before age
30, or a fine healthy daughter who'll be there to take care of her in her
old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we're living in!
People need to learn what's important in life and stop judging people by
what's on the outside instead of what's on the inside. I still say, it's
the size of a person's heart that matters, not the size of their hips!!!!

Hugs,

CatNipped


Kristi

Hey, I am a size 4, size 2 sometimes depending on the manufacturer.
But I am far rom anorexic. I eat my fair share. Just have small bones. All
my life I've never been in a normal weight according to the chart. As a kid,
I was teased about how skiny I am. Only
found out recently my classmates nicknamed me sticks.
My doc is not concerned, even told me to watch my
sugar intake as I have a family history of diabetes. And I am way
past my 30s. I am counting the years before I can collect a pension
as I don't have a job.

Winnie

"CatNipped" wrote in message
...
"Mischief" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's horrible! Would
she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before age
30, or a fine healthy daughter who'll be there to take care of her in her
old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we're living
in!
People need to learn what's important in life and stop judging people by
what's on the outside instead of what's on the inside. I still say, it's
the size of a person's heart that matters, not the size of their hips!!!!

Hugs,

CatNipped


Kristi

"wafflycat" waffles*A*T*v21net*D*O*T*co*D*O*T*uk wrote in message
...

"Mischief" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.


Kristi


Unless you are 2 ft 6 ins high, she has got it well wrong ;-)

Cheers, helen s


I have an idea that USA sizes are not the same as UK ones. What would be
the bust/waist/hip size for a USA size 4? I think the shoe sizes are
different too.

Tweed

"W. Leong" wrote in message
...
Hey, I am a size 4, size 2 sometimes depending on the manufacturer.
But I am far rom anorexic. I eat my fair share. Just have small bones. All
my life I've never been in a normal weight according to the chart. As a
kid,
I was teased about how skiny I am. Only
found out recently my classmates nicknamed me sticks.
My doc is not concerned, even told me to watch my
sugar intake as I have a family history of diabetes. And I am way
past my 30s. I am counting the years before I can collect a pension
as I don't have a job.

Winnie

Oh Winnie, I didn't mean that everyone who is a size 4 is anorexic (in fact
my daughter is a size *negative* one and is far from anorexic). What I
meant is that if you're not *meant* to be a size 4 but that's your "ideal"
and you starve yourself to get there, then *that's* a problem that can lead
to serious medical risks. Being health has nothing to do with the numbers
on clothes or scales - either small or large, it has *everything* to do with
eating healthy and exercising appropriately.

Hugs,

CatNipped


"CatNipped" wrote in message
...
"Mischief" wrote in message
oups.com...
I'm five feet tall exactly and I'm supposed to be closer to 100-110
pounds.... A load of BS if you ask me

My mom once said I should be a size 4.

She hasn't said it since, but i've never forgiven her for saying that.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's horrible!
Would
she rather have an anorexic daughter who dies of a heart attack before
age
30, or a fine healthy daughter who'll be there to take care of her in
her
old age!!!???? I *HATE* this "image is everything" society we're living
in!
People need to learn what's important in life and stop judging people by
what's on the outside instead of what's on the inside. I still say,
it's
the size of a person's heart that matters, not the size of their
hips!!!!

Hugs,

CatNipped


Kristi