Feeling lonely today...

Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. Feeling like
I could die right now, and nobody would say much of anything except,
"She seemed like an OK person, I guess, but I didn't know her very
well..." I'm not someone to be remembered with fondness or respect,
like anything I contribute to the world is worthwhile. Not that anyone
would say anything really bad either, it's just a whole lot of nothing.

I feel like a ghost, invisible, inaudible, insubstantial, floating
through other people's rooms, as they eat and drink together, hug and
kiss, fight and make up, live together, matter to each other. I once
had that, but have lost nearly all the people who used to care about
me. I don't know what went wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be part of
another human's life again. Did I do this? Is it my fault? Do I deserve
it? I swear, if I'd had any idea at age 20 that this was how I'd end
up... not sure I would've had the strength to go on.

And these aren't even "real problems" that most people can understand.
You know, like being broke, or getting dumped by one's husband, or
having one's parent die. Real problems, that make you feel sorry for
the person, in a respectful way. The kind that make you think, "Wow,
what a pillar of strength, to be going through all that." But most of
my problems are in my head. They got planted there 50-odd years ago,
back when I had a Real Problem and was being abused at home. Do I still
have the right to complain? Do I still deserve any compassion? Is there
a statute of limitations on parental abuse, the Gift That Keeps On
Giving?

And yes, I'm taking my medication on time...

Too self-hating even to sign my name

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.

wrote in message
...
Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. . .

Joyce,

You have a name and should never be ashamed of it! I know I'm very new to
this group and you don't know me but what I've seen from your posts, you are
a very warm, caring, thoughtful, intelligent person. I think you have many
good friends on this group. I know you were very warm and welcoming when I
first introduced myself and I appreciated that so much.

Sometimes it is so hard to turn off that voice in your mind that says so
many negative things--I struggle with depression and loneliness, too, and
can totally relate to what you're saying, but I doubt if other people see
you that way. It's difficult to see what impact we might make on others but
we are usually much harder on ourselves than others may be.

Please know that people care about you, you are special and unique and owe
it to yourself to be kind to yourself.

Off my soapbox and sending some warm comforting purrs.

Bonnie

Joyce,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can't even comprehend what you went
through, but I assure you that anyone who has ever been subjected to abuse
has my complete sympathy. That *is* a real problem, even if it did occur
50-odd years ago. As you indicate, something like that is something that
never really goes away.

I enjoy your posts and admire your caring about cats, both yours and others.
Your cats love and need you. Anybody who cares and loves that much is a
worthwhile person.

Maybe you should call your doctor. It's possible that your medication might
need adjusting or even changing.

Please don't give up on yourself.

(((((((((((Joyce))))))))))))

Joy

wrote in message
...
Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. Feeling like
I could die right now, and nobody would say much of anything except,
"She seemed like an OK person, I guess, but I didn't know her very
well..." I'm not someone to be remembered with fondness or respect,
like anything I contribute to the world is worthwhile. Not that anyone
would say anything really bad either, it's just a whole lot of nothing.

I feel like a ghost, invisible, inaudible, insubstantial, floating
through other people's rooms, as they eat and drink together, hug and
kiss, fight and make up, live together, matter to each other. I once
had that, but have lost nearly all the people who used to care about
me. I don't know what went wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be part of
another human's life again. Did I do this? Is it my fault? Do I deserve
it? I swear, if I'd had any idea at age 20 that this was how I'd end
up... not sure I would've had the strength to go on.

And these aren't even "real problems" that most people can understand.
You know, like being broke, or getting dumped by one's husband, or
having one's parent die. Real problems, that make you feel sorry for
the person, in a respectful way. The kind that make you think, "Wow,
what a pillar of strength, to be going through all that." But most of
my problems are in my head. They got planted there 50-odd years ago,
back when I had a Real Problem and was being abused at home. Do I still
have the right to complain? Do I still deserve any compassion? Is there
a statute of limitations on parental abuse, the Gift That Keeps On
Giving?

And yes, I'm taking my medication on time...

Too self-hating even to sign my name

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.

We all have bad days and holidays are my downfall. This is the first time
in nearly 40 years I haven't had a house full of people to feed, egg hunts
to plan etc. My son lives down the street but his family all have the flu
and running temps. He brought me a plate of food, set it on the table and
said "I got to get back". I cried for half an hour. Better tears than the
flu but, still a bummer.

Don't fret, the sun will come out again for you. Yes, we would miss you and
always use your name. Grab your elbows, squeeze really tight and give
yourself a Gramby hug. This is what I told my kinds when they were in
service and they said it came in handy several times. Helen Steiner Rice
said "the bend in the road is not the end of the road". Keep trying, that's
all any of us can do.

To old to get on a soap box so will sit down and shut up.

Gramby
"22brix" wrote in message
...

wrote in message
...
Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. . .

Joyce,

You have a name and should never be ashamed of it! I know I'm very new to
this group and you don't know me but what I've seen from your posts, you
are a very warm, caring, thoughtful, intelligent person. I think you have
many good friends on this group. I know you were very warm and welcoming
when I first introduced myself and I appreciated that so much.

Sometimes it is so hard to turn off that voice in your mind that says so
many negative things--I struggle with depression and loneliness, too, and
can totally relate to what you're saying, but I doubt if other people see
you that way. It's difficult to see what impact we might make on others
but we are usually much harder on ourselves than others may be.

Please know that people care about you, you are special and unique and owe
it to yourself to be kind to yourself.

Off my soapbox and sending some warm comforting purrs.

Bonnie

My high point about abuse is this. Most of the handicapped people, I know
others too but have to speak wherein I know the best, that have been abused
only have this to look forward too. I am now old enough that I have
outlived the family, teachers and others that hurt me, put me down etc. I
survived it all and they are dead and can't hurt me anymore. Now, I try to
look out for others when I can. I turned out pretty decent in spite of them
not because of them. Not easy but I am me, like me or not. Hang in there,
it doesn't necessarily get easier but you have to find your footing and it
may just be in surviving.

I thought I was going to sit down and shut up. Sorry.
"hopitus" wrote in message
...
On Mar 23, 5:45 pm, wrote:
Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. Feeling like
I could die right now, and nobody would say much of anything except,
"She seemed like an OK person, I guess, but I didn't know her very
well..." I'm not someone to be remembered with fondness or respect,
like anything I contribute to the world is worthwhile. Not that anyone
would say anything really bad either, it's just a whole lot of nothing.

I feel like a ghost, invisible, inaudible, insubstantial, floating
through other people's rooms, as they eat and drink together, hug and
kiss, fight and make up, live together, matter to each other. I once
had that, but have lost nearly all the people who used to care about
me. I don't know what went wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be part of
another human's life again. Did I do this? Is it my fault? Do I deserve
it? I swear, if I'd had any idea at age 20 that this was how I'd end
up... not sure I would've had the strength to go on.

And these aren't even "real problems" that most people can understand.
You know, like being broke, or getting dumped by one's husband, or
having one's parent die. Real problems, that make you feel sorry for
the person, in a respectful way. The kind that make you think, "Wow,
what a pillar of strength, to be going through all that." But most of
my problems are in my head. They got planted there 50-odd years ago,
back when I had a Real Problem and was being abused at home. Do I still
have the right to complain? Do I still deserve any compassion? Is there
a statute of limitations on parental abuse, the Gift That Keeps On
Giving?

And yes, I'm taking my medication on time...

Too self-hating even to sign my name

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.

Hey, Joyce, I don't how to snip & all that so your whole post is here.
Never
learned to "cut and paste" either.....like, *so what?" You have been a
reg
on this ng a helluva long time and not only do I like you and respect
you,
I consider you one of the more intelligent worth responding to. I'm
unable
to do anything about your memories of unpleasant childhood and I can
relate to them, but not in the same manner - either the memories or
the
people we are now because of them. Sometimes we need to know that
we are liked, worth much to our friends; you have stated before that
you
are kinda a loner socially. I didn't know that you write stuff and
that to me
means you have a good imagination. I, otoh, have almost no
imagination,
and the only writing I do is here or on the other ng's (none of which
have
the remotest to do with cats) I frequent; for that I envy you. Yes,
you
are envied. In spite of our memories I would like to remind you what
some
famous dude said a long time ago - I don't think it was Caesar, not
that
long ago - 'Never apologize; never explain'. harsh but this guy was a
big
success at whatever he was into then. I never need these but here's
one
for you from hopitua....((((Joyce)))). Looking forward to the night
that is
different from all other nights......

Now you will think I am nuts but, my near blindness has been my salvation.
Given where I was born and raised, for the most part, if I had stayed there
I could have been one of those barefoot and a dozen kids kind of person.
Instead, I have had some collage , have worked for 23 years, raised a
family. Haven't seen much of the world but not dead yet so, where there is
life, there is hope. There isn't anything that can be medically done for me
but I have learned so much, love my cats and waiting for the hummingbirds to
come back. It is what it is and that isn't bad for now.
"hopitus" wrote in message
...
On Mar 23, 6:19 pm, "Granby" wrote:
My high point about abuse is this. Most of the handicapped people, I know
others too but have to speak wherein I know the best, that have been
abused
only have this to look forward too. I am now old enough that I have
outlived the family, teachers and others that hurt me, put me down etc. I
survived it all and they are dead and can't hurt me anymore. Now, I try to
look out for others when I can. I turned out pretty decent in spite of
them
not because of them. Not easy but I am me, like me or not. Hang in there,
it doesn't necessarily get easier but you have to find your footing and it
may just be in surviving.

I thought I was going to sit down and shut up. Sorry."hopitus"
wrote in message

...
On Mar 23, 5:45 pm, wrote:





Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. Feeling like
I could die right now, and nobody would say much of anything except,
"She seemed like an OK person, I guess, but I didn't know her very
well..." I'm not someone to be remembered with fondness or respect,
like anything I contribute to the world is worthwhile. Not that anyone
would say anything really bad either, it's just a whole lot of nothing.

I feel like a ghost, invisible, inaudible, insubstantial, floating
through other people's rooms, as they eat and drink together, hug and
kiss, fight and make up, live together, matter to each other. I once
had that, but have lost nearly all the people who used to care about
me. I don't know what went wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be part of
another human's life again. Did I do this? Is it my fault? Do I deserve
it? I swear, if I'd had any idea at age 20 that this was how I'd end
up... not sure I would've had the strength to go on.

And these aren't even "real problems" that most people can understand.
You know, like being broke, or getting dumped by one's husband, or
having one's parent die. Real problems, that make you feel sorry for
the person, in a respectful way. The kind that make you think, "Wow,
what a pillar of strength, to be going through all that." But most of
my problems are in my head. They got planted there 50-odd years ago,
back when I had a Real Problem and was being abused at home. Do I still
have the right to complain? Do I still deserve any compassion? Is there
a statute of limitations on parental abuse, the Gift That Keeps On
Giving?

And yes, I'm taking my medication on time...

Too self-hating even to sign my name

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.

Hey, Joyce, I don't how to snip & all that so your whole post is here.
Never
learned to "cut and paste" either.....like, *so what?" You have been a
reg
on this ng a helluva long time and not only do I like you and respect
you,
I consider you one of the more intelligent worth responding to. I'm
unable
to do anything about your memories of unpleasant childhood and I can
relate to them, but not in the same manner - either the memories or
the
people we are now because of them. Sometimes we need to know that
we are liked, worth much to our friends; you have stated before that
you
are kinda a loner socially. I didn't know that you write stuff and
that to me
means you have a good imagination. I, otoh, have almost no
imagination,
and the only writing I do is here or on the other ng's (none of which
have
the remotest to do with cats) I frequent; for that I envy you. Yes,
you
are envied. In spite of our memories I would like to remind you what
some
famous dude said a long time ago - I don't think it was Caesar, not
that
long ago - 'Never apologize; never explain'. harsh but this guy was a
big
success at whatever he was into then. I never need these but here's
one
for you from hopitua....((((Joyce)))). Looking forward to the night
that is
different from all other nights......- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

Dunno how my long post got on here again....but you don't have to
shut up, much less siddown. You are perfectly right; what you see
is what you get at this stage of life and if anyone doesn't like it,
what of it,
anyway? I have a vision problem much less serious than yours and am
grateful to be able to see since we have two eyes, not only one...if
medical science got as much funding and paid as much attention to
opthalmic cures as spent on 'E.D.' LOL male egos so fragile that's
what
they call it on tv ads; initials for their problem instead of its real
name -
our vision might improve in this lifetime, huh?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Joyce}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

--
Victor M. Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

wrote in message
...
Having a severe attack of low self-esteem and despair. Feeling like
I could die right now, and nobody would say much of anything except,
"She seemed like an OK person, I guess, but I didn't know her very
well..." I'm not someone to be remembered with fondness or respect,
like anything I contribute to the world is worthwhile. Not that anyone
would say anything really bad either, it's just a whole lot of nothing.


((((Joyce))))

There is a song in the play/movie 1776 that is sung by John Adams that
starts

"Is any body there?
Does any body care?
Does any body see what I see?"

John Adams dealt with self esteem issues all of his life. He felt as though
he wasn't good enough, smart enough, likable enough, strong enough, pious
enough and so forth. He was a visionary who didn't think that others would
want or understand his visions. I think we can agree that Adams was a
remarkable man who believed in his convictions and carried them through.
Yet he still didn't think he was worthy.

Even if you weren't one of the more thoughtful and kind persons in here, you
would be worthy. However, your insightfulness and caring makes you one of
the most interesting people in here. Girl, you are wonderful and we all
love you. It is a holiday, for some reason this makes most of us take a
look inside and not necessarily like what we see. Not only that, but you're
doing the alone thing and that always makes one vulnerable. There is no way
you would be remembered in here as an OK person. You'll be remembered as
being wonderful. Just make sure that someone lets us know when you croak
off about thirty years from now.

Rob and I had our first holiday without family, a big family meal, and
prezzies. I cried. I felt as though I were abandoned and would never have
a holiday gathering ever again. Next holiday (Mother's day?) I want to get
together with cat friends at a restaurant and party out. I'll get a hotel
room for us so that we don't have to go back to Fayetteville and take the
party to the Triangle if there are any people up there who want to join us.
Dutch of course, pictures of the owners mandatory, no sushi or strange
foods. Olive Garden, Barbeque ok (Smokey Bones in the Triangle?) whatever
we can work out. If I can't get anyone up in the Triangle to celebrate
Mother's day with me, I'll have to cruise to the mid west and see if anyone
up there would like to get together.

Pam S. who refuses to let her holiday depression get her down

tanadashoes wrote:

There is a song in the play/movie 1776 that is sung by John Adams that
starts

"Is any body there?
Does any body care?
Does any body see what I see?"

John Adams dealt with self esteem issues all of his life. He felt as though
he wasn't good enough, smart enough, likable enough, strong enough, pious
enough and so forth. He was a visionary who didn't think that others would
want or understand his visions. I think we can agree that Adams was a
remarkable man who believed in his convictions and carried them through.
Yet he still didn't think he was worthy.

I didn't know this about him, thanks for telling me about that.

It is a holiday, for some reason this makes most of us take a look
inside and not necessarily like what we see. Not only that, but you're
doing the alone thing and that always makes one vulnerable.

I forgot that it was a holiday, maybe that's why nobody's around. (Duh...)

I went to the pet food store where the rescue group does the mobile
adoptions, to visit Everett (and all the other kitties), and nobody was
there, the store was closed. I didn't realize regular stores closed for
Easter. I can certainly understand that the feral-rescue volunteers
probably had plans, so they didn't do the mobile, but the store? Well,
whatever, I missed seeing my little white kitten-boy with the stripey
tail. (Last week he let me hold him for a long time, and he purred away.)

There is no way you would be remembered in here as an OK person.
You'll be remembered as being wonderful.

OK, now I'm crying...

Rob and I had our first holiday without family, a big family meal, and
prezzies. I cried. I felt as though I were abandoned and would never have
a holiday gathering ever again.

I'm sorry it was like that. Big family gatherings - when you like your
family, that is - can be so gratifiying, and give you such a sense of
belonging. So it's really hard when it doesn't come together. I hope
next year is better!

Pam S. who refuses to let her holiday depression get her down

Good for you!

And thanks...

Joyce (back to acknowledging I have a name) with cuddly Roxy

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.

22brix wrote:

You have a name and should never be ashamed of it! I know I'm very new to
this group and you don't know me but what I've seen from your posts, you are
a very warm, caring, thoughtful, intelligent person.

Thanks, Bonnie.

I've been sick the past week, and have spent an incredible amount of time
by myself. I had to cancel a few social plans, missed work for a day, and
just hung around either sleeping, getting on the computer, or watching TV.
I think it's been too much isolation. Isolation makes me funny in the head.
I get very depressed.

And then, as Pam reminded me, it is a holiday today, which I had forgotten
about because it's not one I have ever celebrated. Still, I might have been
a bit more aware of my surroundings if I'd been out in the world a little
more this week. So too much isolation also makes me a bit dense.

Sometimes it is so hard to turn off that voice in your mind that says so
many negative things--I struggle with depression and loneliness, too, and
can totally relate to what you're saying, but I doubt if other people see
you that way. It's difficult to see what impact we might make on others but
we are usually much harder on ourselves than others may be.

Please know that people care about you, you are special and unique and owe
it to yourself to be kind to yourself.

Off my soapbox and sending some warm comforting purrs.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts.

Joyce

--
To send email to this address, remove the triple-X from my user name.