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[OT - sort of] Excerpt from old Dave Barry
Yowie's story about Shmogg sliding on a mat toward the wall and
hitting the wall hard with his head reminds me of a funny Dave Barry column I read quite a few years ago, about a d-pet that did approximately the same kind of thing. I didn't want to hijack Yowie's thread, which rightfully belongs to Shmogg, so I started my own. And here, for your reading pleasure, is an excerpt from the column "The New Dog", by Dave Barry, circa 1987: The only dog I ever met that was dumber than Shawna belongs to my editor. This dog, a collie named Augie, also looks smart, because you tend to think collies are smart if you grew up watching "Lassie"... [SNIP] ...you may remember that night; it was the longest one we ever had -- that I slept on my editor's couch in his living room, which is also where Augie sleeps. Only she doesn't sleep. What she does is, first, she lies down. Then she scratches herself. Then she engages in loud personal hygiene. Then she thinks, "Maybe I can go out!" and she walks across the floor, which is made of a special kind of hard wood so that when a dog walks on it, it goes TICK TICK TICK TICK at exactly the volume you would use to get maximum benefit from the Chinese Ticking Torture. When Augie gets to the front door, which is of course closed -- it is always closed at night; even the domestic insects have learned this by now -- she bumps into it with her head. Then she backs up and bumps into it with her head a couple more times, in case there has been some mistake. Then she senses, somehow, that there is a person sleeping on the couch, and she has the most innovative idea she has ever thought of, which is: "Maybe HE will let me out!" So she walks over to me and noses me in the face, using the same nose she uses for hygiene, and I say, "Dammit, Augie! Go to sleep!" So she lies down for one minute, which is how long it takes for her brain cell to forget everything that has ever happened to her since she was born. And then she starts again: SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SLURP SLURP SLURP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK BUMP (think) BUMP (think) BUMP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK NOSE "DAMMIT, AUGIE! GO TO SLEEP!" TICK TICK TICK TICK (pause) SCRATCH. . . . |
#2
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[OT - sort of] Excerpt from old Dave Barry
wrote in message ... Yowie's story about Shmogg sliding on a mat toward the wall and hitting the wall hard with his head reminds me of a funny Dave Barry column I read quite a few years ago, about a d-pet that did approximately the same kind of thing. I didn't want to hijack Yowie's thread, which rightfully belongs to Shmogg, so I started my own. And here, for your reading pleasure, is an excerpt from the column "The New Dog", by Dave Barry, circa 1987: The only dog I ever met that was dumber than Shawna belongs to my editor. This dog, a collie named Augie, also looks smart, because you tend to think collies are smart if you grew up watching "Lassie"... [SNIP] ...you may remember that night; it was the longest one we ever had -- that I slept on my editor's couch in his living room, which is also where Augie sleeps. Only she doesn't sleep. What she does is, first, she lies down. Then she scratches herself. Then she engages in loud personal hygiene. Then she thinks, "Maybe I can go out!" and she walks across the floor, which is made of a special kind of hard wood so that when a dog walks on it, it goes TICK TICK TICK TICK at exactly the volume you would use to get maximum benefit from the Chinese Ticking Torture. When Augie gets to the front door, which is of course closed -- it is always closed at night; even the domestic insects have learned this by now -- she bumps into it with her head. Then she backs up and bumps into it with her head a couple more times, in case there has been some mistake. Then she senses, somehow, that there is a person sleeping on the couch, and she has the most innovative idea she has ever thought of, which is: "Maybe HE will let me out!" So she walks over to me and noses me in the face, using the same nose she uses for hygiene, and I say, "Dammit, Augie! Go to sleep!" So she lies down for one minute, which is how long it takes for her brain cell to forget everything that has ever happened to her since she was born. And then she starts again: SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH SLURP SLURP SLURP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK BUMP (think) BUMP (think) BUMP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK NOSE "DAMMIT, AUGIE! GO TO SLEEP!" TICK TICK TICK TICK (pause) SCRATCH. . . . I always loved Dave Barry's writing about dogs. His pieces about Earnest and Zippy were especially funny. |
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[OT - sort of] Excerpt from old Dave Barry
Kreisleriana drtmuiratearthlink.net wrote:
I always loved Dave Barry's writing about dogs. His pieces about Earnest and Zippy were especially funny. I'm very fond of the phrase "loud personal hygiene", as I have never heard anything that more perfectly describes what it's like to be in the same room with a dog who is cleaning itself. Also, I think it would make a good band name. Joyce |
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