[OT] Moral Dilemma

Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of uniquely
Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box of goodies
in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned to them (it
was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason didn't re-direct
it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves in the postage to
re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys for our son that
aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for the toys plus half
the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the original box plus the
toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box sat somewhere in the
labrynthian international mail system for about 6 months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we sent
them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something unexpected -
a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging, complete set of
something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of for the last 20
years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set myself, but some of
mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there was no way would I have
ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened, with all the packaging and
extras that only come when you purchase the complete set together. They
simply aren't available here. To import said complete set, still in its
original packaging in tip top like condition like this one would cost me
about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I realise that buying said set in
their country of origin - where said couple lives - would make it
significantly cheaper, and they most likely got an 'insiders' discount as
the wife of the couple works in that industry, but it would still be worth
significantly more than the load of junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent me
such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may have
made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I really
don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do I accept
this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I assume it was
sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back for it, knowing
that any further contact with them may well set off another flurry of ill
will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to someone who would find it less
morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

Yowie
--
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many
pancakes can you fit in a doghouse? None, icecream doesn't have bones.

Having been in a similarly awkward position in the past year from the
other end, I wound up with a present I really want the other person to
have right before he said he never wanted to see me again - very long
story. I really did want him to have it. It was something I wanted him
to have that didn't cost me an incredible amount that I knew would mean
a lot to him but I listened to his wishes and kept the gift and used it
myself - it was a very cool gift. But it tore me up that I couldn't give
it to him even if we weren't speaking. It really was picked out just
with him in mind (even if it meets my purposes really well) and I wanted
him to have it very badly.

I think if they went through the effort to get something that nice for
you, they really did wish for you to have it and not having said
anything about it since the falling out, they still wish for you to have
it or they would have made reference to it. I would keep it and place it
in my collection and then :

Email her and tell her you got it and that even though you had a falling
out, you appreciate the value of what she sent you and tell her what it
means to you and your collection and wish her well. OR, you have her
address, send her a VERY nice thank you note with the same information.
The snail mail will keep the distance, yet show your appreciation. Maybe
include some pictures of your collection or something similar - or not,
maybe just a very nice thank you. But I think she should know you got it
and that you appreciate it even if you had a falling out because it was
something that was picked out with great care and thought for you.

That is my opinion.

Hope that helps.

Bridget

Yowie wrote:
Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of uniquely
Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box of goodies
in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned to them (it
was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason didn't re-direct
it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves in the postage to
re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys for our son that
aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for the toys plus half
the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the original box plus the
toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box sat somewhere in the
labrynthian international mail system for about 6 months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we sent
them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something unexpected -
a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging, complete set of
something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of for the last 20
years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set myself, but some of
mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there was no way would I have
ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened, with all the packaging and
extras that only come when you purchase the complete set together. They
simply aren't available here. To import said complete set, still in its
original packaging in tip top like condition like this one would cost me
about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I realise that buying said set in
their country of origin - where said couple lives - would make it
significantly cheaper, and they most likely got an 'insiders' discount as
the wife of the couple works in that industry, but it would still be worth
significantly more than the load of junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent me
such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may have
made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I really
don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do I accept
this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I assume it was
sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back for it, knowing
that any further contact with them may well set off another flurry of ill
will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to someone who would find it less
morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

Yowie

Yowie wrote:
I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

I don't think you should return the gift. I think you should hand-write
a thank you note expressing your gratitude for their generosity. See
what happens.
Once a gift is given, it becomes the property of the recipient. Unless
there is some kind of quid pro quo (e.g. engagement rings, wedding
gifts), I don't think returning a gift is appropriate.

--
Victor M. Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

"Yowie" wrote in message
...
Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of
uniquely Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box
of goodies in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned
to them (it was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason
didn't re-direct it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves
in the postage to re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys
for our son that aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for
the toys plus half the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the
original box plus the toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box
sat somewhere in the labrynthian international mail system for about 6
months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we
sent them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something
unexpected - a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging,
complete set of something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of
for the last 20 years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set
myself, but some of mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there
was no way would I have ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened,
with all the packaging and extras that only come when you purchase the
complete set together. They simply aren't available here. To import said
complete set, still in its original packaging in tip top like condition
like this one would cost me about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I
realise that buying said set in their country of origin - where said
couple lives - would make it significantly cheaper, and they most likely
got an 'insiders' discount as the wife of the couple works in that
industry, but it would still be worth significantly more than the load of
junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent
me such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may
have made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I
really don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do
I accept this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I
assume it was sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back
for it, knowing that any further contact with them may well set off
another flurry of ill will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to
someone who would find it less morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

Yowie
--
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many
pancakes can you fit in a doghouse? None, icecream doesn't have bones.


I don't know what caused the falling out -- whether something serious or the
sort of trivial event that sometimes precipitates more serious debates. If
it is the latter, I would use this as an opportunity to open the possibility
of ending this unfortunate falling out. Write a sincere letter of
appreciation (maybe without even mentioning the "separation"), explain that
the package had been "lost" in the postal system and just now received, and
dwell on what a thoughtful gift it is. If the dispute is over something
more serious, then I would still write and explain the circumstances, but I
would offer to return the gift if the sender no longer wished for you to
have it. In either case, you would want to comment on his or her
thoughtfulness and how beautiful the gift is. Certainly, you need to
contact this person and do *something.* As it is, they probably think you
received it and were just being deliberately rude by not acknowledging it.

MaryL

On Jul 9, 2007, Yowie wrote:

Do I accept
this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I assume it was
sent in?

Yes, but be sure to send (mail, not e-mail) a note explaining that it just
arrived and that you appreciate their generosity. Period.

--
Joey Dee from NYC

Remember: It is To Laugh

a few Ketzl pix
http://tinyurl.com/2a5u8b

On Jul 9, 6:38 am, "Yowie" wrote:
Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of uniquely
Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box of goodies
in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned to them (it
was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason didn't re-direct
it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves in the postage to
re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys for our son that
aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for the toys plus half
the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the original box plus the
toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box sat somewhere in the
labrynthian international mail system for about 6 months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we sent
them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something unexpected -
a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging, complete set of
something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of for the last 20
years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set myself, but some of
mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there was no way would I have
ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened, with all the packaging and
extras that only come when you purchase the complete set together. They
simply aren't available here. To import said complete set, still in its
original packaging in tip top like condition like this one would cost me
about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I realise that buying said set in
their country of origin - where said couple lives - would make it
significantly cheaper, and they most likely got an 'insiders' discount as
the wife of the couple works in that industry, but it would still be worth
significantly more than the load of junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent me
such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may have
made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I really
don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do I accept
this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I assume it was
sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back for it, knowing
that any further contact with them may well set off another flurry of ill
will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to someone who would find it less
morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

Yowie
--
Yowie, I think too that a handwritten thank-you note would be
appropriate. No matter
what the cirumstances, I think the giver always deserves the courtesy
of finding out
that their package arrived safely. Especially after bein in transit so
long.
I'd just write a thank-you note and kind of ignore the events
associated with the falling-out. Just write
a note of appreciation for the giver's thoughtfulness and generosity.
I would not send it back. That would do nothing but widen the chasm
and make yourself look kind of petty. The giver
probably doesn't want it back. It was something she/he knew *you*
loved.
I get what you're feeling though. It makes me very uncomfortable to
receive an expensive gift, even from
a good friend.
Sherry

it is a gift, it is something you like and want and you in no way coerced,
cajoled or intimidated anyone into giving it, all you need to do is send a
polite thank you note indicating you finally received the box in question
and that you are all enjoying the items, end of story, Lee, hoping you take
this as the blessing it is and not anything you should feel guilty about,
Yowie wrote in message
...
Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of
uniquely
Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box of goodies
in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned to them (it
was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason didn't
re-direct
it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves in the postage to
re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys for our son that
aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for the toys plus
half
the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the original box plus the
toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box sat somewhere in the
labrynthian international mail system for about 6 months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we
sent
them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something
unexpected -
a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging, complete set of
something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of for the last 20
years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set myself, but some
of
mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there was no way would I
have
ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened, with all the packaging
and
extras that only come when you purchase the complete set together. They
simply aren't available here. To import said complete set, still in its
original packaging in tip top like condition like this one would cost me
about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I realise that buying said set
in
their country of origin - where said couple lives - would make it
significantly cheaper, and they most likely got an 'insiders' discount as
the wife of the couple works in that industry, but it would still be worth
significantly more than the load of junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent
me
such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may have
made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I really
don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do I
accept
this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I assume it was
sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back for it,
knowing
that any further contact with them may well set off another flurry of ill
will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to someone who would find it
less
morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.

Yowie
--
If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many
pancakes can you fit in a doghouse? None, icecream doesn't have bones.

Bridget wrote:


I think if they went through the effort to get something that nice for
you, they really did wish for you to have it and not having said
anything about it since the falling out, they still wish for you to have
it or they would have made reference to it. I would keep it and place it
in my collection and then :

Email her and tell her you got it and that even though you had a falling
out, you appreciate the value of what she sent you and tell her what it
means to you and your collection and wish her well. OR, you have her
address, send her a VERY nice thank you note with the same information.
The snail mail will keep the distance, yet show your appreciation. Maybe
include some pictures of your collection or something similar - or not,
maybe just a very nice thank you. But I think she should know you got it
and that you appreciate it even if you had a falling out because it was
something that was picked out with great care and thought for you.

That is my opinion.

I second the motion! Did your falling out have anything to
do with your not acknowledging the gift? Did they know you
had not received the re-shipped package? (People might well
be offended if they went to some trouble to please you, and
never heard a word about it.) Who knows, a "thank you"
might revive the friendship - or at least end it on more
cordial terms.

"Yowie" wrote in message
...
Joel & I befriended an overseas (to us) couple via an internet game. In a
gesture of friendship and cultural exchange, we sent them a box of
uniquely Austraian goodies, mostly snack food and candy. They sent a box
of goodies in return, but got the address muddled up and it was returned
to them (it was delivered to the next door neigbour who for some reason
didn't re-direct it to us). After some discussion, we agreed to go halves
in the postage to re-send their box. We also asked them to buy a few toys
for our son that aren't available in Australia. We sent off the money for
the toys plus half the postage, and it was received. They re-sent the
original box plus the toys we had paid for. After being re-sent, said box
sat somewhere in the labrynthian international mail system for about 6
months.

In the mean time, we had a rather nasty falling out.

We had forgotten all about the their box until it was delivered today. It
had a load of junk food and confectionary (similar in value to what we
sent them), and the toys we paid for. However, it also had something
unexpected - a brand new, never used, still in its original packaging,
complete set of something that I have been slowly collecting the peices of
for the last 20 years. I had already managed to get 98 peices of the set
myself, but some of mine are used and damaged (but servicable) but there
was no way would I have ever been able to get a whole set, new, unopened,
with all the packaging and extras that only come when you purchase the
complete set together. They simply aren't available here. To import said
complete set, still in its original packaging in tip top like condition
like this one would cost me about AU$500 plus shipping and insurance. I
realise that buying said set in their country of origin - where said
couple lives - would make it significantly cheaper, and they most likely
got an 'insiders' discount as the wife of the couple works in that
industry, but it would still be worth significantly more than the load of
junk food that we sent them.

So I am in abit of a moral dilemma about this. I don't know why they sent
me such a valuable gift. It was very nice of them, and although it may
have made me feel a bit uncomfortable had we still been firm friends, I
really don't know what to do now that we've had a horrible falling out. Do
I accept this incredibly generous and unexpected gift in the spirit I
assume it was sent in? Do I send it back? Do I send money to pay them back
for it, knowing that any further contact with them may well set off
another flurry of ill will and nastiness. Do I just give it away to
someone who would find it less morally confronting?

I need to think and pray, but your own thoughts would be welcome as well.


Hmmm, this is a difficult one. I certainly wouldn't return it as I think
returning a gift sent with a good spirit (which it was at the time) is a
slap in the face. I would keep it myself, too, as a reminder of a
friendship that once existed, presumably brought some enjoyment to all of
you at the time and remember that at the time it was sent they really wanted
you to have it.
Then I would write a thank you letter explaining that it was held up in the
mail system, that you only just got it, and you really love it (or whatever
praise for such a thoughtful gift you think is appropriate) and I would
leave it at that. It would be unusual if such a letter would set off a
flurry of ill-feeling again, don't you think?
It's almost impossible to keep arguing via snail mail anyway ;-)

Tweed

"EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque)" wrote in message
...


Bridget wrote:


I think if they went through the effort to get something that nice for
you, they really did wish for you to have it and not having said anything
about it since the falling out, they still wish for you to have it or
they would have made reference to it. I would keep it and place it in my
collection and then :

Email her and tell her you got it and that even though you had a falling
out, you appreciate the value of what she sent you and tell her what it
means to you and your collection and wish her well. OR, you have her
address, send her a VERY nice thank you note with the same information.
The snail mail will keep the distance, yet show your appreciation. Maybe
include some pictures of your collection or something similar - or not,
maybe just a very nice thank you. But I think she should know you got it
and that you appreciate it even if you had a falling out because it was
something that was picked out with great care and thought for you.

That is my opinion.

I second the motion! Did your falling out have anything to do with your
not acknowledging the gift? Did they know you had not received the
re-shipped package? (People might well be offended if they went to some
trouble to please you, and never heard a word about it.) Who knows, a
"thank you" might revive the friendship - or at least end it on more
cordial terms.

That's what I was thinking -- but you described it better than I did.

MaryL