Trouble Bonding With New Cat?

Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

Nic was my cat. But he was also Heather's cat...he was extremely
bonded to her. He groomed her everyday, smacked her when she got
rowdy, and put up with her taking out her misplaced aggression on him.
Heather clearly suffered with his death...she wouldn't groom herself,
or eat, or interact. Nic and Heather lived in a separate part of the
house from the other cats because of Nic's health issues and Heather's
aggression issues, so she wasn't bonded to the other cats. We decided
to try and get her a cat of her own. We wanted someone around her own
age (4) because we didn't feel she would know how to react to a kitten
and someone who would be docile but aggressive enough to fight back if
Heather tried anything. We decided to visit a local no kill shelter
that had really come through for us in the past when we had a hurt
foster cat.

I already knew the name for the cat we would get...I was going to call
him Owen. He would be a four year old boy of any color expect gray
and white (because I didn't want a cat colored like Nic). Despite the
color issue, I know realize I was in essence looking for Nic. The
name Owen has in my mind a very definite personality that goes with
it. A cat named Owen would be a gentleman, capable of understanding
rules without training, sweet and gentle, and would fit perfectly in
with the everyday routine of our lives. In other words...a cat named
Owen would be a Nic clone. Luckily, fate had other plans for us and
we didn't get to pick a cat. A cat picked us. We ended us with a
three-year-old brown tabby female. I couldn't name a female cat
Owen...which at least let me realize how much I was expecting of that
mythical "Owen/Nic" cat.

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

"Sethran" wrote
So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her.

You're still grieving for Nic. You want HIM is the problem, not some new
cat, no matter how sweet.

Give yourself, and Robin, some time. You are clearly a sweet soul, and you
will come to love her. By the way, I LOVE tabbies, especially brown ones.
And I love girly cats.


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"Sethran" wrote
So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her.

You're still grieving for Nic. You want HIM is the problem, not some new
cat, no matter how sweet.

Give yourself, and Robin, some time. You are clearly a sweet soul, and you
will come to love her. By the way, I LOVE tabbies, especially brown ones.
And I love girly cats.


---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.681 / Virus Database: 443 - Release Date: 5/10/2004

in article , Sethran at
wrote on 5/11/04 2:15 AM:

Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

Nic was my cat. But he was also Heather's cat...he was extremely
bonded to her. He groomed her everyday, smacked her when she got
rowdy, and put up with her taking out her misplaced aggression on him.
Heather clearly suffered with his death...she wouldn't groom herself,
or eat, or interact. Nic and Heather lived in a separate part of the
house from the other cats because of Nic's health issues and Heather's
aggression issues, so she wasn't bonded to the other cats. We decided
to try and get her a cat of her own. We wanted someone around her own
age (4) because we didn't feel she would know how to react to a kitten
and someone who would be docile but aggressive enough to fight back if
Heather tried anything. We decided to visit a local no kill shelter
that had really come through for us in the past when we had a hurt
foster cat.

I already knew the name for the cat we would get...I was going to call
him Owen. He would be a four year old boy of any color expect gray
and white (because I didn't want a cat colored like Nic). Despite the
color issue, I know realize I was in essence looking for Nic. The
name Owen has in my mind a very definite personality that goes with
it. A cat named Owen would be a gentleman, capable of understanding
rules without training, sweet and gentle, and would fit perfectly in
with the everyday routine of our lives. In other words...a cat named
Owen would be a Nic clone. Luckily, fate had other plans for us and
we didn't get to pick a cat. A cat picked us. We ended us with a
three-year-old brown tabby female. I couldn't name a female cat
Owen...which at least let me realize how much I was expecting of that
mythical "Owen/Nic" cat.

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

Sethran, it took me over a year to bond with Pearl. My brother was moving,
in a bad situation and could not take his cats with. He found someone to
take his three longhaired kittens together, but Pearl was 6 with with a
gimpy back leg and not likely to find a home easily, so I told him to bring
her to me. She is a lovey, demanding siamese type black cat. Her personality
is SOOOO different from Grant and Sugar and the transition has been a
difficult one. I felt very bad for a long time that I didn't "just love"
her. But I appreciated her quirks even though she can get on your nerves
rather quickly if she is in "a mood". She would sleep with us and is pretty
lap hoggy at times, but she is a bitey cat (though she stops when you say
"no") and can walk around meowing for....something, or just because she
wants attention. At any rate, I don't even know when it happened but I
realized about two months ago, I do love her and, while it is often like
living with fighting teenagers, the cats get on better and better. She
really is a sweet cat, despite being stubborn as get out. She really follows
orders better than Sugar and Grant, though she "b*tches" about it. I think
my moral is, it doesn't always happen over night, especially when it is just
very completely different than what you are used to (and you are used to
Nic). I think you just give it time and you will figure out how to "get"
this cat. Don't put a cap on how long that is. I really thought "I won't
ever love Pearl as she is just too darn wierd." but I was wrong.

Karen

in article , Sethran at
wrote on 5/11/04 2:15 AM:

Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

Nic was my cat. But he was also Heather's cat...he was extremely
bonded to her. He groomed her everyday, smacked her when she got
rowdy, and put up with her taking out her misplaced aggression on him.
Heather clearly suffered with his death...she wouldn't groom herself,
or eat, or interact. Nic and Heather lived in a separate part of the
house from the other cats because of Nic's health issues and Heather's
aggression issues, so she wasn't bonded to the other cats. We decided
to try and get her a cat of her own. We wanted someone around her own
age (4) because we didn't feel she would know how to react to a kitten
and someone who would be docile but aggressive enough to fight back if
Heather tried anything. We decided to visit a local no kill shelter
that had really come through for us in the past when we had a hurt
foster cat.

I already knew the name for the cat we would get...I was going to call
him Owen. He would be a four year old boy of any color expect gray
and white (because I didn't want a cat colored like Nic). Despite the
color issue, I know realize I was in essence looking for Nic. The
name Owen has in my mind a very definite personality that goes with
it. A cat named Owen would be a gentleman, capable of understanding
rules without training, sweet and gentle, and would fit perfectly in
with the everyday routine of our lives. In other words...a cat named
Owen would be a Nic clone. Luckily, fate had other plans for us and
we didn't get to pick a cat. A cat picked us. We ended us with a
three-year-old brown tabby female. I couldn't name a female cat
Owen...which at least let me realize how much I was expecting of that
mythical "Owen/Nic" cat.

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

Sethran, it took me over a year to bond with Pearl. My brother was moving,
in a bad situation and could not take his cats with. He found someone to
take his three longhaired kittens together, but Pearl was 6 with with a
gimpy back leg and not likely to find a home easily, so I told him to bring
her to me. She is a lovey, demanding siamese type black cat. Her personality
is SOOOO different from Grant and Sugar and the transition has been a
difficult one. I felt very bad for a long time that I didn't "just love"
her. But I appreciated her quirks even though she can get on your nerves
rather quickly if she is in "a mood". She would sleep with us and is pretty
lap hoggy at times, but she is a bitey cat (though she stops when you say
"no") and can walk around meowing for....something, or just because she
wants attention. At any rate, I don't even know when it happened but I
realized about two months ago, I do love her and, while it is often like
living with fighting teenagers, the cats get on better and better. She
really is a sweet cat, despite being stubborn as get out. She really follows
orders better than Sugar and Grant, though she "b*tches" about it. I think
my moral is, it doesn't always happen over night, especially when it is just
very completely different than what you are used to (and you are used to
Nic). I think you just give it time and you will figure out how to "get"
this cat. Don't put a cap on how long that is. I really thought "I won't
ever love Pearl as she is just too darn wierd." but I was wrong.

Karen

"Sethran" wrote in message
om...
Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her.

Sethran, you just haven't had enough time with Robin. Give yourself time --
as much as necessary -- and don't try to "push" it. I went through some of
those save feelings after each of my first two cats died (actually, had to
be euthanized). My first cat lived to be almost 20, and I described in
another message to this group how I originally thought I would not get
another cat because it was so painful to go through the final months leading
to his death. When my second cat (Amber) died, I knew that I would get
another cat because I had already learned that I need to have a cat with me.
However, in each case I went through the feelings you describe -- a
combination of guilt and one of not knowing if I would ever feel the same
love. Well, I did! No cat is a "replacement" for the other, just as no
child could be a replacement for another child. Each has his or her own
personality, and it takes time to adjust. But you *will* adjust and will
love the new cat, but it will be a *different* love because each cat is
unique (a slight contradiction from what I said earlier about the same love,
but I hope you understand what I mean).

MaryL

"Sethran" wrote in message
om...
Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her.

Sethran, you just haven't had enough time with Robin. Give yourself time --
as much as necessary -- and don't try to "push" it. I went through some of
those save feelings after each of my first two cats died (actually, had to
be euthanized). My first cat lived to be almost 20, and I described in
another message to this group how I originally thought I would not get
another cat because it was so painful to go through the final months leading
to his death. When my second cat (Amber) died, I knew that I would get
another cat because I had already learned that I need to have a cat with me.
However, in each case I went through the feelings you describe -- a
combination of guilt and one of not knowing if I would ever feel the same
love. Well, I did! No cat is a "replacement" for the other, just as no
child could be a replacement for another child. Each has his or her own
personality, and it takes time to adjust. But you *will* adjust and will
love the new cat, but it will be a *different* love because each cat is
unique (a slight contradiction from what I said earlier about the same love,
but I hope you understand what I mean).

MaryL

On 11 May 2004 00:15:14 -0700, (Sethran) wrote:

Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

Nic was my cat. But he was also Heather's cat...he was extremely
bonded to her. He groomed her everyday, smacked her when she got
rowdy, and put up with her taking out her misplaced aggression on him.
Heather clearly suffered with his death...she wouldn't groom herself,
or eat, or interact. Nic and Heather lived in a separate part of the
house from the other cats because of Nic's health issues and Heather's
aggression issues, so she wasn't bonded to the other cats. We decided
to try and get her a cat of her own. We wanted someone around her own
age (4) because we didn't feel she would know how to react to a kitten
and someone who would be docile but aggressive enough to fight back if
Heather tried anything. We decided to visit a local no kill shelter
that had really come through for us in the past when we had a hurt
foster cat.

I already knew the name for the cat we would get...I was going to call
him Owen. He would be a four year old boy of any color expect gray
and white (because I didn't want a cat colored like Nic). Despite the
color issue, I know realize I was in essence looking for Nic. The
name Owen has in my mind a very definite personality that goes with
it. A cat named Owen would be a gentleman, capable of understanding
rules without training, sweet and gentle, and would fit perfectly in
with the everyday routine of our lives. In other words...a cat named
Owen would be a Nic clone. Luckily, fate had other plans for us and
we didn't get to pick a cat. A cat picked us. We ended us with a
three-year-old brown tabby female. I couldn't name a female cat
Owen...which at least let me realize how much I was expecting of that
mythical "Owen/Nic" cat.

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

I'll make this advice short: first of all become friends. The rest
will follow in its own time.

On 11 May 2004 00:15:14 -0700, (Sethran) wrote:

Bit of a long post here...

First I want to thank everyone for the messages of support about the
death of my cat Nic. It really meant a lot to know that people out
there remembered him. I'm still having trouble dealing with the loss.
There are few days where I don't fell myself starting to tear up over
it. It's even worse at work where I have to deal with putting other
pets to sleep.

Nic was my cat. But he was also Heather's cat...he was extremely
bonded to her. He groomed her everyday, smacked her when she got
rowdy, and put up with her taking out her misplaced aggression on him.
Heather clearly suffered with his death...she wouldn't groom herself,
or eat, or interact. Nic and Heather lived in a separate part of the
house from the other cats because of Nic's health issues and Heather's
aggression issues, so she wasn't bonded to the other cats. We decided
to try and get her a cat of her own. We wanted someone around her own
age (4) because we didn't feel she would know how to react to a kitten
and someone who would be docile but aggressive enough to fight back if
Heather tried anything. We decided to visit a local no kill shelter
that had really come through for us in the past when we had a hurt
foster cat.

I already knew the name for the cat we would get...I was going to call
him Owen. He would be a four year old boy of any color expect gray
and white (because I didn't want a cat colored like Nic). Despite the
color issue, I know realize I was in essence looking for Nic. The
name Owen has in my mind a very definite personality that goes with
it. A cat named Owen would be a gentleman, capable of understanding
rules without training, sweet and gentle, and would fit perfectly in
with the everyday routine of our lives. In other words...a cat named
Owen would be a Nic clone. Luckily, fate had other plans for us and
we didn't get to pick a cat. A cat picked us. We ended us with a
three-year-old brown tabby female. I couldn't name a female cat
Owen...which at least let me realize how much I was expecting of that
mythical "Owen/Nic" cat.

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

I'll make this advice short: first of all become friends. The rest
will follow in its own time.

On 11 May 2004 00:15:14 -0700, (Sethran) wrote:

snip

So instead we have Robin. And Robin is a very, very sweet cat. She
picked us at the shelter by reaching out her paws, throwing herself on
her back, and crying her fool head off. She's fitting in fairly
well...we introduced her to Heather very slowly and so far no major
disasters. They aren't nearly to the point of grooming each other but
Heather will tolerate being in the same room with her and they've even
touched nose to nose a few times. The problem is...I have no feelings
for Robin. I've never felt like this toward a cat before. She's
sweet and all...but I just feel blank about her. For one thing she's
the most affectionate cat I've ever seen...to the point where she's
smothering. She's constantly demanding to be petted, throwing herself
at your feet and rolling over, throwing herself across the
keyboard...you can't get away from her. I don't know. I just can't
really seem to connect with this cat. Heather has never slept in bed
with me but Nic always did...and Robin does now and whenever I feel
her next to me it's him I think about. Did we get a cat too soon? Am
I not going to be able to bond with this cat and love her as a unique
individual? I just feel like it isn't fair to her. I'm not sure if I
can't connect because I'm still mourning Nic or if her and I are just
incompatible. Surely some cats and people just don't fit together,
right? Has anyone ever had a cat they just didn't really "get"?

Sethran, my feeling is that you are still grieving Nic, and it will
just take you some time to bond with Robin. And that's okay.
Although it is possible it just isn't a good match, it sounds like
Robin chose you because she believes it *is*, and I suspect in time,
it will be. Although it has taken me awhile to bond with a couple of
my cats, I always have, with time, come to love and appreciate each of
them as the wonderful beings they are.

Best of luck to you,

Ginger-lyn