I'm worrying about myself...

On Nov 19, 10:52 am, "jmcquown" wrote:

I can relate, Joyce. I don't think you're a social failure. If people sort
of hold parts of their life back I can see where things might be a little
difficult and leave you feeling something is missing.

I have no idea how to go about making the kind of friendships you're talking
about. I've never really been much of a social creature. (John finds that
hard to believe since when we're working the art shows I can laugh and
schmooze with the best of them. Sure, but that's not the same has having
close friends.) I had two very close women friends but they both moved far
away years ago. We still keep in touch via phone and email but it's not the
same thing as getting together with the girls for dinner or drinks. With
those two, though, I felt a real connection. Haven't had that for about 15
years now.


Agreed Jill. I'm a very shy person who covers it up with a lot of
chatter and goofiness. I have been known as the life of the party.
No one wants to know the scared little girl inside me. I'm afraid to
let them know the scared little girl, I might get hurt even more.
What's funny, once I'm comfortable with someone, I really don't get
crazy talking. Someone once asked Rob how he could live with my
constant chatter. Rob told them that I'm not like that at home.

Close friends are those you don't have to talk with constantly. You
don't have to put up barriers to keep them from hurting you. They have
something in common with you even as little as being owned by cats (as
if being owned by cats were little). They come in all shapes, sizes,
and genders and are as accepting of your faults as you are of theirs.
They come and go as locations, interests, and circumstances permit.
Personally, I have much better friends in here and in a local Yahoo
group than I have in so called real life.

I really think I could sit down with most of the people in here and be
comfortable enough to be quiet in a week or so. I can't say that for
most of my non cyber friends.

Pam S.

On Nov 19, 11:27 am, Bettina wrote:


This statement seems to be true. A real soul-connection seems to
happen seldomly.

On the other hand one has to give fate a chance. Means that one has to
go out
and do things to meet other people, to make new friends.
Who knows - there might be a soul-connection waiting.

Now - sometimes I am scared as well by the prospect of getting
"the old lady with the lot of cats" who lives alone.

But this emotion results of looking at the statement from the
outside.
I learned for myself that it is only relevant to look at it
from my inside: "If I won't meet the right DH then I will
become the old lady who lives not alone cause I have my cats around."

It depends on how one judges a statement. And seen from my inside -
hey what is wrong with living together with cats?



That's it. We need to form a crazy old cat lady enclave complete with
club house etc. That way we can live close enough together to let our
friendships grow and still be far enough apart to let them air out on
occasion. Maybe with branches in Burope, Australia, and England as
those are the main places our members come from. We can buy an
apartment complex and take over the neighborhood.

People tell me I'm unreasonable when I tell them I don't plan on re-
marrying after Rob goes to the bridge. I think I'm being fairly
realistic, it is hard to find someone as wonderful as your best friend
of 25 years (we met in January '82) and I don't plan on going looking
for someone. Besides which the closest men I know to being as
wonderful as Rob are in this cat group. I wouldn't burden them with
me, let alone my family's insanity.

I am a crazy old cat lady and proud of it. If I didn't have the
humanity to care for animals (I don't consider spiders, bugs, and
snakes as animals, but I won't dispute most of them their right to
live on this earth, just not in my comfort zone) I wouldn't have the
humanity to be a good parent to my barekittens and future grandkits.
I think we're an under estimated segment of society and need to start
standing up for our rights.

Pam S. can you tell I haven't been getting enough sleep for a week or
two?

On Nov 20, 11:09 pm, jillycat wrote:
Hi Joyce,

I was randomly checking out Google groups and, of course, went to my
first and deepest love - cats. As I scanned the

recent message headers, yours rang a (very loud) bell.

I've often claimed to have been a cat in another lifetime. Aside from
the fact that my favorite passtimes are eating,

being massaged, and sleeping, I really do tend to prefer feline
company to the human variety. I am lucky enough to

have a soulmate husband, whom I adore, but even so, there were times
that I felt closer to my soulmate cat, Molly, who

had to be put down last May. I had another cat Emma at the time, and I
adopted a rescue cat Jenny Linsky in Molly's

honor, but Molly was the one. I've got to say that her death was
pretty much on a par with my mother's in terms of

hard-to-deal-with-ness. In fact, in a very concrete way, I've missed
Molly more. I'm about to turn 52 tomorrow, and

it's been many many decades since I cuddled on a daily basis with my
mother! So I don't think you're at all out of

line to feel closer to your cats than to your friends, nor do I think
you're destined to become "a crazy cat lady."


Welcome to the group and happy Purrday. We all have special soul cats
that we just connect to more than others. I seem to have several at
the moment. I was tellng my husband (and best friend) about this post
and how it rang true for me and noticed that MCG was intently watching
me. I thought it was the name Joy that made her interested, but when
I repeated it, Miss Calico Girl looked away then lay down facing away
from me. I think it was the topic she was interested in. What is
funny/strange is that my soul cats all seem to be female. Tanada (a
grouchy old black and white tuxedo), Penelope Marie (RB) (a moody, but
loving long haired diilute callico), Sonya (a gray and white tuxedo),
and the latest rescue, Miss Callico Girl (a short haired pensive and
egnimatic dilute callico) Rob's (hubby) soul cats have been Diamond
RB and First Sargent Huey who is Rob's companion at all difficult
times. BTW I suspect that Huey should be receiving his Warrent
Officer 1 for Yule.

I think you'll find a lot of kindred souls in here.

Pam S. her gang of eight and the doggy henchman

"tanadashoes" wrote in message
...
On Nov 19, 11:27 am, Bettina wrote:

Pam S. can you tell I haven't been getting enough sleep for a week or
two?


Yes. You need to cuddle a cat or three.

Why on earth would you listen to anyone who thinks your future possible
marital prospects is any of their concern anyway? Some people should have
to wear muzzles.

Rob is doing better, right? Or at least far better than you had expected at
this point?

Give him an extra hug after you cuddle a cat. (Or while, the cats are
probably with him anyway

Jo

hopitus wrote:

When I lived in your general area during the 80's, relatives and
I used to attend and enjoy meetings of animal-rights groups in the
Presidio, and there were many different groups there as well.
Contacts assure me that the situation is still ongoing there

Well, a few years ago, when I lost my job, I joined a local animal
rescue group that would go into shelters and adopt all the animals who
were up next to be euthanized, put them into foster homes, and then
hold outdoor adoptions in a well-travelled shopping location.

I started out showing up at the adoption site and helping people who
were interested in the cats, and also doing some socializing with
the kitties. I helped build homemade cat trees for a fundraiser we did
one year. And I fostered some cats for this group - that's how I got
Licky. But I never really connected with any of the people. I don't
know why. Really, I'm a nice person - friendly, fairly normal, whatever
that may mean! And people are nice back to me, but in a surface-y way.

One thing was that this group was a bit dysfunctional, and they were
always having some organizational crisis, usually of a financial nature.
So the main leaders of the group would be clumped together, bitching
about this or that, and leaving me out of the conversation. It was a
nice experience cat-wise, but not human-wise. Just like the rest of my
life!

Thanks for writing,

Joyce

Jane wrote:

I can relate too, Joyce. Enough that it scares me. I used to have a
social group where I hung out, but that has been gone for over a year
now. It just seems like such an effort to socialize now. Since I
work with mostly guys, I have very few 'friends' at work, just one
lady from another department (but she's a GREAT friend). But at home,
I have my sewing, my digital cable with DVR, the computer, the piano,
and enough other toys that there is a definite danger of becoming a
hermit. Nearly all of my dearest friends are online.
What would we do without the Internet?

Wow, have you just described my life?? This is almost exactly how things
are for me, except I don't have the really great friend at work.

But yeah, I have the computer, the tv and the sewing at home, too. (I
have an electric piano that someone just gave me, but haven't tried it
out yet.) I know exactly what you mean about there being enough ways to
entertain yourself without leaving the comfort zone of home, that it's
a real struggle to motivate yourself to go out.

Joyce

hopitus wrote:

On Nov 20, 6:25 am, Bettina wrote:

On 19 Nov., 22:08, wrote:

but sometimes I I do get caught up in the "image" of what I'm
doing, rather than in the experience* of it.

This is so well put. Exactly what I meant.

I did not undrstand this statement - Ihave very little imagination -

I just meant that when I look at myself, my life, what I do, who I
see, etc, I look at it in terms of what it might look like to an
outsider - do I seem like a weirdo, or a loser? Rather than looking
at it from the point of view of how it feels inside, to be *living*
that life.

I find it almost impossible to do the latter. I'm almost addicted to
thinking about how things appear to the outside, that it's kind of
boring to think only of how something feels internally. It's like,
who cares how I *feel*? Gimme the mirror!! That's pretty sad...

I don't get lonely and am quite comfortable with my own company.

Well, so am I. I'm a little *too* comfortable with my own company, so
I spend way too much time alone, when I could be socializing if I chose.
I don't have mobility issues or money issues, so there's no reason I
can't go out. I do work full-time and I have a long commute, so I get
home late and I'm often tired. But a lot of people deal with that, and
I used to be able to work long hours and still hang out with my friends.
Of course, I didn't used to be 53 years old.

But then when I spend too much time by myself playing with my various
games and toys, I suddenly get depressed. It's just not healthy for me
to be a loner. I am naturally a social person, but these days I just
don't trust people. I have a lot of anger and resentment because a
number of people hurt me pretty badly over the past several years, and
I guess I'm not over it yet. I'm turning into a crabby old curmudgeon.
Pretty soon I'll be one of those old ladies who throw apples at children
who come into my yard.

Joyce

Cheryl P. wrote:

I find it helpful to let go of my old ideas of what friends really were.
I can enjoy the company of far more people now that I'm willing to
accept that maybe they aren't soulmates or potential dearest friends,
because they're good company for an evening doing something we're
interested in. And that's enough. Not all friends are close enough for,
say, regular or impulsive visits - online or in person - but you can
still enjoy each other in more limited ways.

Oh, I agree. I do have plenty of people in my life who are like that
for me. I didn't mean to give the impression that I have no friends. I
even have a few close friends, but those relationships aren't working
all that well for me these days. I know these friends really care about
me, and I care about them, too. But there are various dynamics in place
in each of them that I find hard to deal with. In one of them, the friend
is so private and terse that I do most of the talking and baring my soul.
With the other friend, she is an attention hog who constantly needs to
talk. Fortunately, she is a very interesting person, so it's not like
she's going on and on and boring me to death. She does hold my attention.
I would just like to have more of *her* attention, too.

I guess I'd just like to have more equal relationships, with equal give
and take. Right now I do not have that with anyone.

There are other interesting, smart, friendly people in my life, too.
But when you live by yourself, you just end up spending a whole lot of
time alone, even if you do have friends. I could try to socialize after
work more often, but I find it exhausting to go out more than once or
twice a week.

And I really do have this hermit-drive. It's a problem. Last weekend
I barely went out of the house at all. When a friend came over to visit,
we were going to spend the evening indoors making jewelry, but I said,
"Can we go out to dinner first? I have to get out of the house!!"

Joyce

tanadashoes wrote:

Roxy is a member of your family. Being a cat she can relate to a lot
of your problems more than any male can.

LOL, did you mean to say "more than any *human* can"?

It's true that female humans relate to me a lot better than males, and
vice versa, but when it comes to cats, I'm not sure the gender matters
so much. I am a lot more attached to my girls than I am to Licky (please
don't tell him this), but this is probably because he's not nearly as
cuddly as they are, and I haven't had him as long. I do adore him and -
KFC, are you listening? - I treat him just as well as my other kitties.
(Lord knows I don't want to get on KFC's bad side!!) Also, he is getting
more cuddly - you should see him when I'm on the computer.

Not only that, but since she
is not your bio-child and not of a younger generation, Roxy has no ax
to grind. She will not use what you tell her against you, accepts you
for who you are without condition, and loves you no matter what you
tell her. I wish human friends were like that.

Yeah...

However we all need the human touch. The hardest part for me in being
a friend is to be as accepting as the cats are. I am horrible about
spotting other people's faults and trying to help them out. Which
really means that I am or can be a stuck up prig, or is that pig?
I've been working on this one a long time, and I'm finally getting a
little more accepting of others.

I have an issue with this but from the opposite perspective: I am very
sensitive around judgemental people.

I have a problem with what we call "willful stupidity"

You hardly strike me as the willfully stupid type, Pam. I would not
say that is one of your problems at all!

Pam S. trying to be a better person than the witch that she is.

Considering all that you're going through, I'd say that you get to
be a crabby b*tch when necessary. I mean, I'm pretty crabby myself
and I don't have half your problems.

Joyce

PS - did you get my email?

(that's me) wrote:

It's true that female humans relate to me a lot better than males...

blah blah blah

Oh, whoops, I forgot to "introduce" myself. It's me, Joyce. I'm using
a new user name, just so I'll have a tad more anonymity. But it's the
same old me, for better or worse.

And I've munged this address, too - same deal, take the X's out to reply
via email.

Joyce aka bastette