Leading Jill Outside the Box

mlbriggs wrote:
On Mon, 31 Jul 2006 00:55:52 -0400, Julie Cook wrote:

Jill,
I keep thinking we need to find you a way to make money that doesn't
involve interviewing with someone who will tell you no. That means
thinking outside the box.

I know it doesn't sound appealing at first, but there are many people
who would pay good money for a thorough, reliable house cleaner.
MLB

Heh, except I'm a horrible house cleaner! I really am. But on a more
serious note regarding this suggestion, my oldest brother and his live-in
girlfriend tried to make a go of doing cleaning services on their own and it
didn't fly.

Jill

Doesn't sound like she appreciates any of the constructive ideas any of
you offered...Maybe, like in another thread, she didn't really want
suggestions, just wanted to vent.

Candace

Candace wrote:
Doesn't sound like she appreciates any of the constructive ideas any of
you offered...Maybe, like in another thread, she didn't really want
suggestions, just wanted to vent.

Candace

There's also a difference between not appreciating, and not being
feasible.

I couldn't do a cleaning job either. I'm still struggling to lift five
pounds with my left arm. So, if that was suggested for me, I'd
appreciate the suggestion, but it wouldn't work.

--Fil

jmcquown wrote:


No sewing machine. I had one once but hadn't used it in years. When my
brother Scott and his now ex-wife moved into their new house, they decided
to hold a yard sale. She asked if there was anything I wanted to sell.
Among the items I gave her was my sewing machine. Well! Her idea of my
giving items to the sale was she'd keep the money for my items! I was too
embarrassed to approach her and my brother (at the time) thought she walked
on water and I didn't want to ripple it, so I didn't mention it to him,
either. When I finally told him after their divorce what she'd done he was
appalled. Wish I'd approached him sooner; I could have used the money.

How different from my niece! She and her sister were
supposedly doing a garage sale at my brother's place. The
sister decided she had something better to do, so left it to
Dawn to man the sale all by herself for both days of it.
Nevertheless, Dawn carefully kept track of the items, and
made sure my other niece got every penny received for the
stuff she had contributed.

Enfilade wrote:

Candace wrote:

Doesn't sound like she appreciates any of the constructive ideas any of
you offered...Maybe, like in another thread, she didn't really want
suggestions, just wanted to vent.

Candace


There's also a difference between not appreciating, and not being
feasible.

I couldn't do a cleaning job either. I'm still struggling to lift five
pounds with my left arm. So, if that was suggested for me, I'd
appreciate the suggestion, but it wouldn't work.

Also, not everyone is "gifted" that way. One look at MY
house, and anyone remotely inclined to hire me as their
"cleaning lady" would seek elsewhere!

Enfilade wrote:

Candace wrote:

Doesn't sound like she appreciates any of the constructive ideas any of
you offered...Maybe, like in another thread, she didn't really want
suggestions, just wanted to vent.

There's also a difference between not appreciating, and not being
feasible.

I couldn't do a cleaning job either. I'm still struggling to lift five
pounds with my left arm. So, if that was suggested for me, I'd
appreciate the suggestion, but it wouldn't work.

Yeah, if you give advice to people with an agenda that they should do
what you suggest, you're going to feel unappreciated over and over.
"You don't have to do this, but may I suggest..." should be the implied
disclaimer for *every* piece of advice given - especially when it's
unsolicited!

And I don't think the person has have to have a physical disability to
decide that housecleaning isn't for her. If the suggestion doesn't work
for her *for any reason whatsoever*, that's her prerogative. A suggestion
is just that - a suggestion, not a command.

See, this is why I don't like advice-giving for problems, unless asked.
People so often have this personal stake in whether someone takes their
advice, and they feel hurt, or resentful, or something, when the person
doesn't do what they suggested. It's like, "I tried to help, but you don't
want to be helped, you'd rather just sit and whine." Blecch, if that's
your attitude, please take your advice elsewhere! I never asked for it
anyway.

I prefer to go on the assumption that ultimately, the person needing the
help is the best judge of what will work best. Maybe she needs some input,
some ideas - but she's going to make the decision in the end.

Joyce

wrote:
Enfilade wrote:

Candace wrote:

Doesn't sound like she appreciates any of the constructive ideas
any of you offered...Maybe, like in another thread, she didn't
really want suggestions, just wanted to vent.

There's also a difference between not appreciating, and not being
feasible.

I couldn't do a cleaning job either. I'm still struggling to lift
five pounds with my left arm. So, if that was suggested for me, I'd
appreciate the suggestion, but it wouldn't work.

Yeah, if you give advice to people with an agenda that they should do
what you suggest, you're going to feel unappreciated over and over.
"You don't have to do this, but may I suggest..." should be the
implied disclaimer for *every* piece of advice given - especially
when it's unsolicited!

Argh, this exact thing is going on between me and my parents right now!
I made the huge mistake of volunteering too much information again.
Dennis always says that I should just stick to small talk with them and
I know that he's right. I just keep hoping that he's wrong...
About 2 weeks ago, I sent an email to them saying that we were getting
close to being happy with the plans for the house we are planning to
build. I mentioned that we have talked to some builders and have
decided on one who came particularly well recommended by dozens of
locals we had talked to.
In response to this non-advice asking, purely informative email that I
sent, I received a list of 10 things that our house must have from my
dad. Some of those things are completely ridiculous for this climate
(triple glazing??? central heating???). For gawds sake, we're at the
same latitude as Los Angeles. Let's not get carried away here.
He also offered to send me this book with plans of mountain chalets in
the Alps. I declined, saying that the cost of sending the book would
not make it worth it, considering the completely different climatic
conditions we are dealing with here and suggested that maybe, if he
wanted to, he could just scan one or 2 of the plans that would be most
suitable and email them to me.
I also replied to each of his points in a logical manner, thanked him
for his good ideas and explained why some ideas just wouldn't work here.
In response to this I received a scathing email saying our house was
going to be crap, fall down all around us, be a never ending money pit
and he would not be talking to us about it any more as it was obvious we
were way too stubborn to listen to his voice of experience. His last
words were "good luck- you'll need it!!!"
Let me just say here that my parents have built a couple of houses and
they were way overbuilt and never fetched anything close to the price
they thought they deserved to get because people just don't appreciate
some of those things. I am not about to blindly follow the advice of
someone who's own mistakes are glaringly obvious to me.
Later that day I received another email from my mom this time, a bit
more diplomatic but essentially parroting everything my dad had said. I
replied to this email, also very nicely and explained some of the things
they had completely misunderstood about my previous email. I then asked
them to not underestimate us, that we had come quite far in our lives
and therefore thought we were quite capable of doing our research,
taking in all info and advice from many sources, including them, and
taking from that the parts that we thought were most useful to our
particular situation.
I have not heard from them in over a week. I think I may be
disinherited again. sigh
This happened one time already when I was in college. I had offended
them during the summer by having the wrong boyfriend and spending too
much time with him, so they faxed me a letter saying they were leaving
their house to Greenpeace. A few years later they acted like nothing
ever happened and flat out denied the existence of the Greenpeace fax.
I have decided not to write them any further emails at this point and to
just wait and see what happens.
--
Britta
Purring is an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness
overflow.
Check out pictures of Vino at:
http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album

On Thu, 3 Aug 2006 09:08:18 +0800, "badwilson"
wrote:
I have not heard from them in over a week. I think I may be
disinherited again. sigh
This happened one time already when I was in college. I had offended
them during the summer by having the wrong boyfriend and spending too
much time with him, so they faxed me a letter saying they were leaving
their house to Greenpeace. A few years later they acted like nothing
ever happened and flat out denied the existence of the Greenpeace fax.
I have decided not to write them any further emails at this point and to
just wait and see what happens.

I feel your pain because it is so d*mn familiar. *sigh* I have not
yet worked out coping strategies for this kind of behaviour, so tend
to fall back on sulks and other childish things. Likewise, my parents
have not really worked out that I'm a fully functional adult and quite
capable of running my life without tripping over my own feet.

I hope your parents grow up soon and realise what a jewel they have in
you and Dennis.

Tish

badwilson wrote:

Argh, this exact thing is going on between me and my parents right now!

snip

In response to this I received a scathing email saying our house was
going to be crap, fall down all around us, be a never ending money pit
and he would not be talking to us about it any more as it was obvious we
were way too stubborn to listen to his voice of experience. His last
words were "good luck- you'll need it!!!"

It sounds like he can't stand to have his authority challenged, on any
subject, ever. Is he just used to privilege and authority, and not used
to being challenged? Or is it some kind of psychological problem, like
underneath all the bluster, he's just really insecure? Kind of sounds like
narcissistic personality disorder to me. I don't have a psychology degree
or anything, but I do have a narcissistic dad, and all of this sounds rather
familiar. In fact, I think we might have had this discussion once before.
Our dads have a few things in common.

I have not heard from them in over a week. I think I may be
disinherited again.

This happened one time already when I was in college. I had offended
them during the summer by having the wrong boyfriend and spending too
much time with him, so they faxed me a letter saying they were leaving
their house to Greenpeace. A few years later they acted like nothing
ever happened and flat out denied the existence of the Greenpeace fax.

Did you save that fax? Of course, they'd probably just say you faked
it if you tried to show it to them. Wow, who needs head games like that??

It's always sounded to me like you and Dennis have it together in terms
of planning your life and making big decisions. So far, you've successfully
moved to and lived in two foreign countries, navigating all the obstacles
that one has to deal in that process. Somehow, I think you have the smarts
to figure out how to have your house built!

Joyce

PS - what's triple glazing?

Tish wrote:
On Thu, 3 Aug 2006 09:08:18 +0800, "badwilson"
wrote:
I have not heard from them in over a week. I think I may be
disinherited again. sigh
This happened one time already when I was in college. I had offended
them during the summer by having the wrong boyfriend and spending too
much time with him, so they faxed me a letter saying they were
leaving their house to Greenpeace. A few years later they acted
like nothing ever happened and flat out denied the existence of the
Greenpeace fax. I have decided not to write them any further emails
at this point and to just wait and see what happens.

I feel your pain because it is so d*mn familiar. *sigh* I have not
yet worked out coping strategies for this kind of behaviour, so tend
to fall back on sulks and other childish things. Likewise, my parents
have not really worked out that I'm a fully functional adult and quite
capable of running my life without tripping over my own feet.

I hope your parents grow up soon and realise what a jewel they have in
you and Dennis.

Tish

Thanks Tish. I'm sorry that this sounds familiar to you :-( I don't
know any coping strategies either. For me, this seems to go in a cycle.
Big blow up, no communication, parents suddenly act like nothing
happened, slowly things get back to normal, I vow not to let them into
my life so much anymore, things seem to be going well, so I volunteer
more and more info in hopes of having a normal and satisfying
relationship with them, they drastically step over the line and we are
back to big blow up!
Aaaargh!
Dennis says I should learn my lesson and consistenly keep all
communication with them to the weather and stuff like that, but somehow
I keep hoping it can be more than that. I guess it can't :-(
--
Britta
Purring is an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness
overflow.
Check out pictures of Vino at:
http://photos.yahoo.com/badwilson click on the Vino album