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#11
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I'm worrying about myself...
On 19 Nov., 22:08, wrote:
but sometimes I I do get caught up in the "image" of what I'm doing, rather than in the experience* of it. This is so well put. Exactly what I meant. |
#12
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I'm worrying about myself...
Can anyone relate? Any suggestions? Reassurance that I'm not a social failure (as far as anyone here can tell, of course)? Is this a symptom of the Fall of Modern Civilization? Joyce I can relate too, Joyce. Enough that it scares me. I used to have a social group where I hung out, but that has been gone for over a year now. It just seems like such an effort to socialize now. Since I work with mostly guys, I have very few 'friends' at work, just one lady from another department (but she's a GREAT friend). But at home, I have my sewing, my digital cable with DVR, the computer, the piano, and enough other toys that there is a definite danger of becoming a hermit. Nearly all of my dearest friends are online. What would we do without the Internet? Jane - owned and operated by the Princess Rita |
#13
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I'm worrying about myself...
On 19 Nov, 13:08, wrote:
By the way, some men can get pretty possessive and jealous if their wife or girlfriend has a male friend. I think our culture (by that I mean Western culture, or maybe even human, I don't know) is plain suspicious of opposite-sex friendships in general, One thing I do have to say for Dave is that most of my friends are male and he has never been at all possessive. Last night I stopped off for a drink and got talking to 3 close male friends and when I got in Dave said "Where have you been?" and I said "Drinking with Jools, Jim and Bill" and his only comment was "How are they?" Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#14
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I'm worrying about myself...
Lesley wrote:
On 19 Nov, 13:08, wrote: By the way, some men can get pretty possessive and jealous if their wife or girlfriend has a male friend. I think our culture (by that I mean Western culture, or maybe even human, I don't know) is plain suspicious of opposite-sex friendships in general, One thing I do have to say for Dave is that most of my friends are male and he has never been at all possessive. Last night I stopped off for a drink and got talking to 3 close male friends and when I got in Dave said "Where have you been?" and I said "Drinking with Jools, Jim and Bill" and his only comment was "How are they?" And that's how it should be! My ex-boyfriend Ray didn't understand there can be a male/female dynamic that doesn't involve sex. (I should have dumped him long before I did.) |
#15
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I'm worrying about myself...
cats never judge, they just love, makes sense to me that you are closer to
the cat. I am 48 and have many pleasant acquaintances but I can count on 1 hand the amount of people I truly trust. and trust is the real basis for friendship. amount of friends and frequency of visits of friends are not the score card, your satisfaction with those things is the determination, if its good for you then you are a success, if not you just change, even though it takes time there is no failure here, Lee wrote in message ... Last night I had a very good friend over to visit. We were doing bead jewelry together. We've been close friends for about 12 years. Anyway, at some point during the evening, Roxy came by for a cuddle. So I let her hang over my shoulder and purr, while I cooed and petted her. And suddenly the thought came into my head, "I feel closer to Roxy than I do to _____ (my friend)." It wasn't just an idle thought. It's true! Although this friend and I have known each other a long time, and we've shared a lot of experiences, and I've told her a whole lot about myself, she is very closed-mouthed about her own feelings, and in fact, prefers not to talk much at all. She has always kept me at arm's length in that way, and because of that, I often don't feel satisfied by conversations. And she really is my closest friend. I do have one other very close friend, and that friend and I share a lot of personal emotional talk, but it's a bit one-way. I do most of the listening in that friendship. Yeah, I need some new friends. Not that I want to dump these friends, because despite the flaws, they're great people. And everyone has flaws - every relationship has things that are missing. But I would like to have some relationships that are more consistently satisfying. I'm working on it, but it's not easy. You don't go to the friend store and buy new ones whenever you feel like it. You have to keep reaching out to people in the hope that something will come of it. Most of the time, nothing does. I've made some new friends recently, but it takes time for them to develop into the kind of intimacy that I have with my older friends. I don't like to push hard or rush things - I'd rather let them develop in their own time. But meanwhile, I get lonely. And the only truly dependable, loving friends, who give affection freely, who I never worry are judging me, and who I utterly adore, are my cats. I see the path in front of me, and it points to "crazy cat lady" in my future - perhaps the not-so- distant future. We joke about this a lot on this newsgroup, but this scares me. I see nothing wrong with having a lot of cats, nor of adoring them to death. But it does worry me that I'm becoming more and more separated from my own species. I used to be a very social person, but it seems to get harder and harder. My cats are my primary relationship! I've had periods like this in the past, where a cat was my best friend. But it's not so weird when you're young - you know it's just a phase. At my age, I have no reason to believe that things will ever change again. Can anyone relate? Any suggestions? Reassurance that I'm not a social failure (as far as anyone here can tell, of course)? Is this a symptom of the Fall of Modern Civilization? Joyce |
#16
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I'm worrying about myself...
Enfilade wrote:
You're not a loser. Relationships and needs ebb and flow. Thank you. All my best friendships have come through doing things that I enjoy and happening to meet people I have a lot in common with that way. Fellow writers and toy collectors and fandom nerds and role players and witches and military people, all through doing stuff I liked to do, and got lifelong friends while doing it. So instead of wishing for the friend store, go do something new that you've sort of wanted to do and never tried....a hobby, a sport, a community or religious group, whatever, give it a try and if you like it, you may meet a lot of new people that way. I probably should have given more context when I posted about this... I've always been a group-joiner type, and have joined many, many social groups focused on activities or on common interests, etc. I've made most of the friends I have in this very way. Part of the problem is that for some reason, over the past few years, I've gotten more sensitive and wary around people, maybe due to a couple of bad relationship fallouts that did a number on my self-esteem. So I feel guarded and suspicious, and sort of grumpy and intolerant of most of the people I meet. Unlike in past years when I used to go to social activities all the time, and I actually liked people, I tend to avoid those now. I've really gotten isolated. It's like what Jane was saying, with having all the comforts and entertaining toys at home - not to mention furry friends - why leave the house? I know it's not good for me to get into that habit (as Cheryl said, one needs to have balance), but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to overcome. It's still lonely, though... Joyce |
#17
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I'm worrying about myself...
I'm like this all the time, actually, I don't like people around me and I have to make myself get out of the isolation (That I naturally prefer) and try to make some sort of contact for the sake of having someone to call to feed the cats when I'm on holiday.... I don't feel lonely though, I feel secure. Unlike in past years when I used to go to social activities all the time, and I actually liked people, I tend to avoid those now. I've really gotten isolated. It's like what Jane was saying, with having all the comforts and entertaining toys at home - not to mention furry friends - why leave the house? I know it's not good for me to get into that habit (as Cheryl said, one needs to have balance), but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to overcome. It's still lonely, though... |
#18
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I'm worrying about myself...
Enfilade wrote:
I'm like this all the time, actually, I don't like people around me and I have to make myself get out of the isolation (That I naturally prefer) and try to make some sort of contact for the sake of having someone to call to feed the cats when I'm on holiday.... I don't feel lonely though, I feel secure. Yeah, but you live with someone. Even if he's not around all the time or you don't spend every minute together, it makes a big difference just to have someone to say hello to in the morning, or someone in the house when you're at home, even if you're doing different things. I lived with a partner for years, and I remember that this kind of fluctuation in my sociability wasn't as difficult. I went through occasional periods where I didn't feel very social, and although I'm more content when I feel more social, I didn't find the less-social periods quite as difficult as I do now, that I live by myself. I've even asked myself if I should try to find an apartment share, just to have someone around, but nah... don't think so. Living with a roommate is *not* the same as living with a partner!! Joyce |
#19
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I'm worrying about myself...
Hi Joyce, I was randomly checking out Google groups and, of course, went to my first and deepest love - cats. As I scanned the recent message headers, yours rang a (very loud) bell. I've often claimed to have been a cat in another lifetime. Aside from the fact that my favorite passtimes are eating, being massaged, and sleeping, I really do tend to prefer feline company to the human variety. I am lucky enough to have a soulmate husband, whom I adore, but even so, there were times that I felt closer to my soulmate cat, Molly, who had to be put down last May. I had another cat Emma at the time, and I adopted a rescue cat Jenny Linsky in Molly's honor, but Molly was the one. I've got to say that her death was pretty much on a par with my mother's in terms of hard-to-deal-with-ness. In fact, in a very concrete way, I've missed Molly more. I'm about to turn 52 tomorrow, and it's been many many decades since I cuddled on a daily basis with my mother! So I don't think you're at all out of line to feel closer to your cats than to your friends, nor do I think you're destined to become "a crazy cat lady." In fact, anyone who can navigate Google groups and figure out how to post to the group *and* to the author (that rules me out) is far too savvy to become a crazy anything. Still, I can relate. My husband and daughter spend a week every summer at some cabins with his extended family. And they are *really* extended; sometimes up to 40 people at a time. They're great people, but I generally stayed home with Molly. I just felt more comfortable with her. This past summer I did go with my human family, because I was afraid I'd be too sad at home without Molly, with only the constant fighting of my two cats (another story) to entertain me. I still missed Molly. Emotions are by nature non- sensical. It's amazing as a species how loving and sweet cats tend to be. Nine times out of ten, you can go to a shelter and find a feline friend who will always be there for you, or at least be there for you when she's not accidentally locked overnight in the linen cabinet, or leaping out of her little mind inside a politically incorrect paper grocery bag. But as you say, you can't go to the friends store and pick out someone who will still love you and accept you unconditionally ten years later. So anyhow I'm taking up a lot of space to say that I don't think you should worry about yourself. I think it's the human race that's the problem; not humans who've found solace in cats. One of the most wonderful things about cats is that if you accidentally hurt them, step on their tail or whatever, they'll come to you for comfort. It doesn't occur to them that a friend can be intentionally hurtful. And if they do fight, it's with each other. My current non-friend cats haven't gotten it into their heads to escape and wage war on the entire feline population of my neighborhood simply because they don't like each other and are vying for the same territory. And they're both still sweet and loving to me. So.... Either you're quite sane, or we're both nuts, along with a lot of people who seem to have posted really kind replies to your post. On Nov 18, 8:34 pm, wrote: Last night I had a very good friend over to visit. We were doing bead jewelry together. We've been close friends for about 12 years. Anyway, at some point during the evening, Roxy came by for a cuddle. So I let her hang over my shoulder and purr, while I cooed and petted her. And suddenly the thought came into my head, "I feel closer to Roxy than I do to _____ (my friend)." It wasn't just an idle thought. It's true! |
#20
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I'm worrying about myself...
On Nov 18, 8:34 pm, wrote:
Can anyone relate? Any suggestions? Reassurance that I'm not a social failure (as far as anyone here can tell, of course)? Is this a symptom of the Fall of Modern Civilization? I've been wanting to reply to this, but have been pre-occupied with my own problems. I've not been a very good friend. That being said, one of the bad parts about being married to/or in the military is that you lose people over the years and your best bet is to depend on your immediate family for support. It's a sorta us against the outsiders mentality, but as those of you who have been connected to the military know, few civilians understand what we go through. You in this group know because I whined (OK, still whine) about it a lot. Roxy is a member of your family. Being a cat she can relate to a lot of your problems more than any male can. Not only that, but since she is not your bio-child and not of a younger generation, Roxy has no ax to grind. She will not use what you tell her against you, accepts you for who you are without condition, and loves you no matter what you tell her. I wish human friends were like that. However we all need the human touch. The hardest part for me in being a friend is to be as accepting as the cats are. I am horrible about spotting other people's faults and trying to help them out. Which really means that I am or can be a stuck up prig, or is that pig? I've been working on this one a long time, and I'm finally getting a little more accepting of others. I have a problem with what we call "willful stupidity" also known in Engvald land as "Here's Your Sign." I'm getting better about listening and think that I might make a good catley friend in a century or two. I'm just glad that you all cut me a lot of slack. Pam S. trying to be a better person than the witch that she is. |
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