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[OT] Why we love children - humor
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy" It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron." When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." Hugs, CatNipped |
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
CatNipped wrote:
snip One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. snip I really did laugh out loud at that one, thanks for posting. -- Adrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera) A House is not a home, without a cat. http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk |
#3
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
wrote: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy" It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron." When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." Hugs, CatNipped Thanks, CN, I needed a laugh today. Purrs and Hugs, Nan and the furkids A wise man talks because he has something to say; a fool talks because he has to say something. |
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped"
yodeled: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." LOL! My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy." So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy." Theresa Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com Make Levees, Not War |
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:02:34 -0500, Kreisleriana
yodeled: On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped" yodeled: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." LOL! My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy." So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy." PS, My mom teaches second grade. A couple of years ago, one little boy wanted to know when they were going to hear the "stories about the Geeks." My mother was taken aback, until she remembered she had read the class stories based on Greek myths. Last year, she taught the little ones about China, including about the Mongols, and Genghis and Kublai Khan. One day when one very bright little boy was acting up, she said to him "Robert, you can't act like a barbarian around here." No doubt thinking of all those tough, cool Mongol warriors he learned about, he protested, "But Mrs. Muir, I *want* to be a barbarian." Theresa Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com Make Levees, Not War |
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
"Kreisleriana" wrote in message ... On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 13:02:34 -0500, Kreisleriana yodeled: On Mon, 21 Nov 2005 09:57:37 -0600, "CatNipped" yodeled: A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." LOL! My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy." So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy." PS, My mom teaches second grade. A couple of years ago, one little boy wanted to know when they were going to hear the "stories about the Geeks." My mother was taken aback, until she remembered she had read the class stories based on Greek myths. Last year, she taught the little ones about China, including about the Mongols, and Genghis and Kublai Khan. One day when one very bright little boy was acting up, she said to him "Robert, you can't act like a barbarian around here." No doubt thinking of all those tough, cool Mongol warriors he learned about, he protested, "But Mrs. Muir, I *want* to be a barbarian." g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.." And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said "oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.." Tweed |
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[OT] Why we love children - humor
Kreisleriana wrote:
My little nephew has been getting very Oedipal lately, and my SIL Jenny has been having to tell him "Stop being mean to Daddy." So last week, while my bro and Evan were playing, my SIL suddenly heard a lot of noise in the other room. She yelled, "What's going on in there?" and Evan brightly answered, "I'm being mean to Daddy." I don't get it... Joyce, feelin' stupid |
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Why we love children - humor
Christina Websell wrote: g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.." And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said "oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.." Tweed Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*, and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said (some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if* they ever have children of their own. Sherry |
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Why we love children - humor
wrote in message oups.com... Christina Websell wrote: g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.." And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said "oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.." Tweed Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*, and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said (some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if* they ever have children of their own. Sherry Oh, I really think you should write them down, Sherry. They are too precious to forget. Here's another one from this evening when I was paying a brief visit. My sister in law said to Thomas (aged 3), Charlotte's younger brother, "Tell your auntie what you are going to be in the Christmas play" Tom cupped his hands around his mouth and said "I'm going to be a leopard" I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly, and hey, maybe the nativity play is being updated these days! so I asked him to repeat it a bit louder. Yep, I wasn't wrong, he said even louder that he was going to be a leopard. I looked at my sister in law, what the ??? She also cupped her mouth so he would not see that she said "He's going to be a shepherd.." Tweed |
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Why we love children - humor
"Christina Websell" wrote in message
... wrote in message oups.com... Christina Websell wrote: g I love what young children say, they are so literal. One of my brothers has a coach, he was poring over a map one day, and my niece Charlotte then aged 4, became interested in the map and wanted to know what it all meant. He tried to explain "See, this road is a motorway, this is an A road and this is a B road.." She looked at him incredulously. "A B road? A B road, daddy? Don't be silly, bees can fly.." And again when he was talking to my sil about carrying passengers she said "oh, you musn't carry the passengers, daddy, they are too heavy.." Tweed Oh, now that's cute. They *are* literal, and they'll say *anything*, and just aren't worldly yet enough to be embarrassed. It's a precious thing, really. This thread makes me remember some things mine said (some in public that made me want to crawl in a hole)...but now I'm thinking maybe I should write all that down for them to remember *if* they ever have children of their own. Sherry Oh, I really think you should write them down, Sherry. They are too precious to forget. Here's another one from this evening when I was paying a brief visit. My sister in law said to Thomas (aged 3), Charlotte's younger brother, "Tell your auntie what you are going to be in the Christmas play" Tom cupped his hands around his mouth and said "I'm going to be a leopard" I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly, and hey, maybe the nativity play is being updated these days! so I asked him to repeat it a bit louder. Yep, I wasn't wrong, he said even louder that he was going to be a leopard. I looked at my sister in law, what the ??? She also cupped her mouth so he would not see that she said "He's going to be a shepherd.." Tweed As I get older, I've noticed that 99 times out of a hundred, when a child says something that embarrasses his/her parents, everybody else thinks it's cute. Joy |
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