If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a
month ago, pretty unexpectedly. Now i am here because i am so confused. When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family. Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that is really wonderful.) But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all. Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank. that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think of her but my mind just goes blank. Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record, and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and it wasn't as hard. One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood. Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different. I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore, yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with me. The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes. I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross but i can't bring myself to do it. Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way. Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him because i have to be. I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to me. Still, i just want Madeleine back. No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or something, i don't know. Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet, but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She should be here, she should be part of the Spring. I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get farther away from me... i can't bear it. Does anyone understand anything i am saying? I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it, really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me can't accept it or something. I don't know. |
#2
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
Yes I know exactly how you feel
If you keep feeling this way and feeling like that it will never end. you need to talk to a grief counselor or a person of professional nature. It is so easy for the feelings of grief to turn into depression. You are suffering just like a parent does after losing a child. I love my furballs so deep that they are my children and are the most important thing in my life. You aren't alone out here But you need to get up and out. You made the first step in coming on this group and letting your feelings out. You know there is a problem now you need to find a way or someone(s) in person that can guide you out of this. wrote in message oups.com... All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a month ago, pretty unexpectedly. Now i am here because i am so confused. When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family. Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that is really wonderful.) But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all. Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank. that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think of her but my mind just goes blank. Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record, and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and it wasn't as hard. One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood. Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different. I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore, yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with me. The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes. I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross but i can't bring myself to do it. Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way. Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him because i have to be. I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to me. Still, i just want Madeleine back. No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or something, i don't know. Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet, but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She should be here, she should be part of the Spring. I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get farther away from me... i can't bear it. Does anyone understand anything i am saying? I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it, really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me can't accept it or something. I don't know. |
#3
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
On 6 Mar, 20:00, "Matthew" wrote:
Yes I know exactly how you feel If you keep feeling this way and feeling like that it will never end. you need to talk to a grief counselor or a person of professional nature. It is so easy for the feelings of grief to turn into depression. You are suffering just like a parent does after losing a child. I love my furballs so deep that they are my children and are the most important thing in my life. You aren't alone out here But you need to get up and out. You made the first step in coming on this group and letting your feelings out. You know there is a problem now you need to find a way or someone(s) in person that can guide you out of this. wrote in message oups.com... All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a month ago, pretty unexpectedly. Now i am here because i am so confused. When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family. Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that is really wonderful.) But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all. Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank. that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think of her but my mind just goes blank. Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record, and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and it wasn't as hard. One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood. Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different. I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore, yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with me. The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes. I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross but i can't bring myself to do it. Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way. Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him because i have to be. I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to me. Still, i just want Madeleine back. No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or something, i don't know. Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet, but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She should be here, she should be part of the Spring. I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get farther away from me... i can't bear it. Does anyone understand anything i am saying? I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it, really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me can't accept it or something. I don't know.- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - You just made the biggest step.. you have reached out & told us of your pain. To admit how you feel is half the battle. I agree with Mathew. The pain of loosing a loved one, be they cat or human is perfectly normal & no one would tell you different here because we all feel the same way about our cats too. I would say that counseling would be a wonderful step forward if you feel that you can..? It would help you to talk about these feelings & also set you free to grieve as you feel that you would prefer to grieve if that makes sense to you? Every word that you say makes sense to me, but I would agree that you need the chance to talk your feelings through with someone who is better qualified to advise you on how to go forward. That is not to say that no one that we are not here for you.. far from it, but we are not qualified for the need to help set you free. However., we are always here to chat to you though & would welcome you anytime. With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you I wish you peace, Hugs, Sheelagh x |
#4
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
On Mar 6, 3:24 pm, "sheelagh" wrote:
To admit how you feel is half the battle. With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you I wish you peace, Hugs, Sheelagh i knew you'd come around darlink let it flow baby |
#5
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
On Mar 6, 2:30 pm, wrote:
All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross but i can't bring myself to do it. My best friend died when I was 19 (I'm 25 now) and I have her favorite Kappa sweatshirt. I've worn it only a handful of times, and never washed it. This doesn't seem so weird to me. Maybe you should get new bed linens and not wash the ones you have but just take them off and keep them in a box for keepsake. I see no harm in keeping them and just knowing that they're there. Maybe snuggling up in them every- so-often for a bit of comfort and that feeling of closeness. No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or something, i don't know. Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet, but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She should be here, she should be part of the Spring. Oh it is so much better to look at this in another way. Perhaps she passed the time she did to not leave you in a bit of drear and sadness. Perhaps the weather changed when it did to try and ease your stage of grieving. I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get farther away from me... i can't bear it. Does anyone understand anything i am saying? I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it, really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me can't accept it or something. I don't know. I really do understand what you're saying. It is unfathomable to think of losing any person or animal that surrounds us. When it happens, we don't know how to live or move on; thinking that this is somehow not the right thing to do. What you have to remember is the person that Madeleine taught you to be. Imagine the time you had together and how much you changed for the better. Don't forget to be that person because she would want nothing else for you! Take the strength and love that she showed you and turn it into something positive. Figure out what it is you want to conquer and do it for you and for her, as well! When my best friend died I had the same feelings that you do. I didn't know how I was to manage living or accomplishing daily tasks; anything more was even farther from my comprehension. Then one day, I realized how strong I was for knowing her. I began to think that maybe she was so full of life because she somehow knew she didn't have much time here (she was 21 when she passed). I realized that the only way for me to honor her memory was to take the love and strength that she gave me and to use it! I've accomplished so much since then. I've truly grown into myself and my own skin. I honestly wouldn't be the person I am today without knowing her. In turn, I wouldn't be who I am today had I not lost her. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her. I still yearn for her. I still wish that she could have experience the past six years with me. However, I know I cannot. What I know I can do is be the best person I can be, guided by what she taught me while she was her...and really, what she taught me after she was gone. Don't give up and don't give in. Grieve for her and love her. However, just know that you are better for having known her. That, for me, is the best way to realize your own full potential. Good luck and please know we are here in support. Best, Heather |
#6
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
Lump, it is called grief and it is perfectly normal. You need to shake the
guilt feelings, 'cause losing a critter ain't your fault and you should be happy you have another to kinda help you over this rough spot. When we lost our French after a long illness, it was his companion Kirby that helped me to deal with the pain. 4 months later we lost Kirby quite unexpectedly (he was 13) and yep, I just didn't want to do anything or cope. It felt so unfair. It takes time to get over it but you can. Have a coffee, wash the car or your windows. Don't want to wash the bedding? Pull it off the bed, fold and put it away for now. Play the music. Keep moving. Let your thoughts ebb and flow, but keep moving. It's like walking out of the surf, as you move closer to shore it becomes easier. I've said before, it is amazing how such a small creature can leave such a large hole in your heart. Hang in there. Alan wrote in message oups.com... All of you were so kind to me about my cat Madeleine, who died over a month ago, pretty unexpectedly. Now i am here because i am so confused. When she first died, i couldn't listen to music at all for a while Music holds great meaning for me, just like my cats and family. Then some music came to me, sad, about the pain of losing her. (Music is my hobby, i am an amateur musician and i record songs on my computer. And i have a nice online community of musician friends that is really wonderful.) But i couldn't listen to any of their music or any music at all. Then i thought, i had better try to do a song for Madeleine right away because i wanted to try to capture her essence and i knew that would be an almost impossible thing to do. I wanted it to be a song about her, her life and the sweetness of her, not about my own pain. And everytime i tried to think about her, my mind would go blank. that was the worsrt thing, and it is still happening, i try to think of her but my mind just goes blank. Well, i did the song, it took me almost a week to write and record, and then i was utterly exhausted. But i felt like i really should listen to my friends' music online, so i went back to doing that, and it wasn't as hard. One thing is that i am having feelings of guilt because i still have her sister, Grendel. I always loved them both equally and felt the same joy at both of them, every day. Madeleine always slept on my right side and Grendel on my left. I actually became close to Grendel quite a while before getting close to Madeleine. Grendel was always all over me when she was a kitten and into adulthood. Well, now when Grendel is beside me or greets me, it's so different. I don't know how to explain it. I still love her so much but there's this strange emptiness. I feel guilty for not feeling that same joy i used to feel when she'd jump up on my bed and make her cute little noises, between a purr and a meow. I just don't feel the joy anymore, yet i do love her so much and i am so grateful to still have her with me. The other thing that i am having a lot of trouble with is even facing the fact that Madeleine is gone. I am really scared. She was one of my only joys in life. I can't deal with the idea that she'll never be stepping over my bed and rubbing against me, gazing up into my eyes. I haven't even changed my bed since she died because i feel like i'll be washing her away, somehow. I know that must seem weird or gross but i can't bring myself to do it. Then i'll think of the time when she was sick and it breaks my heart all over again, thinking that she had to spend her last days that way. Yet, i still can't believe she isn't here anymore. I know people are suffering all over the world and that people lose loved ones every day. Even my own uncle has brain cancer and that has also been hard for us but i am very hopeful for him, he seems to be doing amazingly well. So i think i am very optimistic about him because i have to be. I can't stand how much suffering there is, it's really unfathomable to me. Still, i just want Madeleine back. No one seems to understand how much i loved her and how i thought of her as my own child. I guess some people think that's impossible or something, i don't know. Another thing that has been hurting is that it's not even Spring yet, but Spring seems to be here anyway, already. There are bright flowers coming up and for some reason it just seems so cruel. It was such a cold winter and as soon as she died, things started to blossom. She should be here, she should be part of the Spring. I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. Sometimes i wish i would have just died with her. Now time will go by and it will be longer and longer since we were together, she'll get farther away from me... i can't bear it. Does anyone understand anything i am saying? I am totally crushed and devastated, stuck... i can't fathom it, really. part of me knows she's gone, she is not here, yet, part of me can't accept it or something. I don't know. |
#7
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
On 6 Mar, 20:32, "nothing tolouse" wrote:
On Mar 6, 3:24 pm, "sheelagh" wrote: To admit how you feel is half the battle. With the wonderful web, there is always someone awake to talk to you I wish you peace, Hugs, Sheelagh i knew you'd come around darlink let it flow baby Of course..!! I have plenty of time for Madeleine's slave because she is a beautiful person. She slaved for her cat faithfully, & I know that she would want her dearest friend to go on to enjoy life after she passed over the rainbow bridge. I guess it pains her to watch over her faithful slave and friend, so it is up to us to be here to see her through this rough time. I just wish that I could help her more than I can. I figure that the best thing to do is to point out that it is normal for us slaves to feel this way when our dearest friend leave us. When Jasper left us, I wanted to curl into a ball and die instead of him. Time has helped and so has talking about him. I want to believe that the piece of my heart that he took with him when he crossed that bridge, will always be his, never to be shared with any of my other masters and mistress's. It is my hope that one day I will find more room in my heart to love another as I loved him. Time has certainly helped too. Best wishes & hugs, Sheelagh x |
#8
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
Lump wrote:
I don't feel any motivation to do anything at all. Although i think i'm gradually beginning to bear hearing music again, it's still not like it used to be. It's hard to eat. It's hard to do anything. I just want to sleep all day. But i never dream about her. If i could only just dream about her, i'd at least have her in my dreams. I am not a doctor but this sounds to me like the classic symptoms of depression. I suggest that you do get some help SOON. ---MIKE--- In the White Mountains of New Hampshire (44° 15' N - Elevation 1580') |
#9
|
|||
|
|||
Sorry
Dear Friend,
This is depression, plain and painful. You don't love Gretel any less, but her presence reminds you of Madeleine. There's nothing wrong with this, or your feelings. They will lessen in time, I promise. We lost two furbabies last year and the entire world looked grey for a long time. In fact, it was months before I could look at their pictures or even speak their names without crying. You will always love and miss Madeleine. Find "The Rainbow Bridge" poem and read it. Let the tears come and allow yourself to grieve for your beloved kitty. I hope and pray that you feel better someday soon. ((Gentle hugs)) JennD -- Message posted via http://www.catkb.com |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|