Aaargh - busybody neighbor! :(

No good choices. Keep cat in, get an enclosure so they can be out but not
free to roam. This neighbor will, at some point cause you trouble. No use
pretending otherwise.


wrote in message
...
I have this neighbor who seems to be convinced that I'm starving my cat.
Her concern was touching at first, but now it's just getting annoying.
A bit insulting, too.

If you've followed my story about Smudge conning the neighbors out of
food and treats, you can jump over the next several paragraphs, because
you know all this. Go down and start reading from "SMUDGE UPDATE".

If you want the backstory, read on:

About a month ago, a neighbor of mine came over to my house to inform
me that Smudge has been getting fed by several neighbors, including
herself, and she seemed extremely hungry. The neighbor was also worried
because despite how Smudge would wolf down the food, she seemed thin.
(It's true that Smudge has gradually lost weight over the past few
years, but she *is* 12!) The neighbor thought Smudge might be
hyperthyroid,
and wanted to alert me to that possibility.

So I took Smudge to the vet and got a complete blood panel workup.
Everything came back perfectly normal. Thyroid fine, kidneys fine, etc.
I told my neighbor about this, and I asked her to stop feeding Smudge
so I could control what she ate. For one thing, I get very good food
for my cats - Wellness brand canned food, which has almost no grains,
no additives, junk fillers, etc. It's healthy food. I also add some
healthy kitty treats to make it more tasty. And I have to make sure
Smudge is home and hungry for breakfast on the mornings when I give
her aspirin. The neighbor promised not to feed Smudge anymore.

Suddenly, Smudge started coming home every morning and every night for
her food. She ate everything I gave her. She stayed in at night, slept
on my bed, and went out very early in the morning (before I actually get
up for the day), and then came back home when I did get up, so she could
get breakfast.

SMUDGE UPDATE:

This past week, I started noticing that Smudge wasn't coming home when
I called her in the morning. Some days I ended up going to work without
seeing her. She was slow coming home in the evenings, too. And she
wouldn't eat very much of the food I gave her, even though it was fresh
out of the can, and mixed with treats and some kitty gravy to make it
tasty. I started to suspect that the neighbor was feeding Smudge again.
But I didn't know how to approach her about it, because to ask her would
imply that I didn't trust her to keep her word. I don't know this woman
very well, and I didn't want to insult her.

Today she beat me to it - she left me a message saying that Smudge has
been hanging around her house, crying at the door, and wolfing down the
food that the neighbor gave her - yes, she was feeding her again.

So I called her back, and I asked her once again, to please stop feeding
her, because it was messing up her feeding schedule at home. She tried
to convince me how hungry Smudge was. I told her that yes, I do get up
later than she does, so at that hour of the morning, Smudge is indeed
ready for her breakfast, and behaves like a hungry cat. But she will get
it at my place when I get up!

I swear, this woman does not believe me when I say that I feed her twice
a day and feed her excellent food. She actually had the nerve to say to
me, "Do you stay with her when she's eating?" Excuse me? I said, "I've
had this cat for 12 years, I think I know how to feed her." I don't want
to have an argumentative relationship with a neighbor, but I couldn't
let that one go by. She is very pushy about this - she really seems to
believe that I'm not feeding my cat.

I asked her if Smudge was disturbing her, and she said not at all, she
was just concerned. I repeated that she'd had a perfect bill of health
at the vet's and was fed good food twice a day. She seemed doubtful, but
once again agreed to stop feeding my cat.

What would you guys do about this situation? For now, I don't have to
do anything since she said she would stop again. But I have a funny
feeling this isn't over. I'd like to be ready with a strategy for dealing
with it if it comes up again.

Thanks!

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

Joy wrote:

Do you suppose you could get your vet to write a letter, stating that Smudge
is in good health, and that what you are feeding her is exactly what and how
much she should be fed? Maybe you could even draft such a letter, and ask
if it could be put on the vet's stationery and signed by the vet. If you
gave that to your neighbor, she wouldn't have any excuse to continue feeding
her. I don't know if this is possible, or if it would really help, but it's
the only thing I can think of.

That's a wonderful idea, Joy, and if this problem comes up again, I will
definitely try that. I'm even going to call my vet now to find out whether
it's an option. I don't know why they wouldn't agree to it, especially if
I do all the work of writing it, etc. They wouldn't even have to address
the letter to this woman - they could address it to me. That way, they
wouldn't have to worry about any repercussions if she took umbrage.

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

MaryL wrote:

"Yowie" wrote in message
...
wrote in message

If Smudge doesn't need prescription food, I'd be tempted to just
let him enjoy his 'sneaky' snackings - if he doesn't get them from
that neighbour then there are no doubt other neighbours who will fall
for his poor half starving waif act. Just make it very clear to all
and sundry that Smudge is *your* cat and the poor half starved waif
thing is truly just and act and that they are under no obligation to
feed him whatsoever. A collar and tags (if he doesn't already have
them) go a long way in identifying a 'wandering' cat from a 'stray'.

Despite your feelings towards the woman, Smudge is obviously OK with
her and enjoys her company, and her food! Personally, I'd trust Smudge
and let him do what he clearly enjoys. He does come home to you, after
all!

Yowie
--


The problem with this solution is that we should always be aware of
exactly how much our cats are eating (not just prescription diets).
This woman probably has the best of intentions, but her actions mean
that there is no way to know what Smudge is eating or how to describe it
to a vet. Here's an example from my personal experience, but it
involved a pony instead of a cat. When I was a child, we had a Shetland
pony that suddenly did not act right. I was pretty young and don't
remember all the details, but one thing I remember is that she seemed to
look a little bloated and was walking with some stiffness. My parents
had the vet come out to check her--and she had foundered. Everyone was
puzzled and distressed. They finally learned that our neighbors had
been throwing corn stalks (from their corn field) over the fence for our
ponies to enjoy. They would pick some corn and then toss some stalks
over the fence. It was a large pasture, and we didn't often get to that
back area. Here, again, the neighbors thought they were doing a good
deed but they actually caused severe physical problems. Our pony
recovered, but there were lingering effects for the rest of her life.

MaryL


OR.you could offer to help the woman find a cat of her own to take care
of. Best wishes. MLB

wrote:

For your answer....see Tweed's post. I was waiting for *her* to make
it, rather than open my big mouth and upset her further than has
already been done by the KFC tragedy.

OK, fair enough. I thought you were withholding for my "benefit", but
in fact it was for Tweed's real benefit. Sorry I got snarky.

This woman seems attached to Smudge. If she were take an extreme action,
I would expect her to appropriate Smudge and hide her in her house. Of
course I can't be sure of this.

If Smudge were suddenly to go missing, you'd better believe I'd be on
the phone with every shelter in the area. (No implication that Tweed
would've done any less, if she hadn't had the bad luck of having surgery
at the same time!) Also, Smudge is microchipped, as well as having a
collar with a tag.

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

Granby wrote:

No good choices. Keep cat in, get an enclosure so they can be out but not
free to roam. This neighbor will, at some point cause you trouble. No use
pretending otherwise.

Sounds like there's a story behind that statement.

I guess I haven't given up hope that I can persuade this woman to back
off. Maybe it's false hope, but hey, sometimes people *do* work things
out successfully. I don't want to assume she's going to continue going
against my wishes - in fact, I think that would be more likely to bring
about trouble, because I'd have a more negative attitude toward her,
and that would contribute toward deteriorating whatever good will still
exists between us. I'd like to proceed in good faith until/unless it
becomes clear to me that she's not going to change no matter what I do.

So far, I like the idea of keeping Smudge in all night, and not letting
her out until after she's eaten breakfast. She gets the aspirin in the
morning anyway.

I love Joy's idea of a vet's letter. I hope it won't be necessary, but
if it is, I think it would be effective.

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

Yowie wrote:

1) Get up that hour earlier and feed Smudge before she does (or let him free
feed), or,

Unfortunately, free-feeding isn't an option. Licky can't tolerate dry
food, so nobody gets it anymore. In fact, I think that's probably what
started this whole thing. Smudge has been used to free-feeding on dry in
addition to the canned food, and suddenly she can't do that. So that is
probably why she started begging from the neighbors. The trouble did
start a few weeks after I removed the dry food bowl.

(I tried putting a bowl of dry food right outside my front door so Smudge
could snack on it while outdoors. But that attracted other neighborhood
cats, which got Smudge all stressed out, so that didn't work.)

By the way, I am giving all the cats a much larger portion of canned
food to compensate for the lack of dry. Cats are genetically programmed
to eat large amounts at one time and wait a long time between feedings -
that's what predators have to do. Even though cats have lived alongside
humans for thousands of years, I think they fended for themselves food-
wise for most of that time. Even cats who got table scraps from the human
dinner still got to go out and hunt. The whole pet food industry is a
pretty recent thing, with respect to the evolutionary timetable. My point
being that their bodies are still adapted to a hunter's feeding schedule,
and they therefore can live comfortably with two generous portions per
day and nothing in between. They certainly get enough calories per day.

For option 2, If Smudge needs a specific sort of food because of a medical
problem, then take some to the woman and explain how much he needs and when
and what will happen to him if he doesn't get that particular type of no
doubt very expensive prescription food (feel free with the 'artistic
licence' with that).

She's not on prescription food. I just buy a premium brand. I'd rather
she get that, but that's not the whole issue (more on that further down).

Just make it very clear to all and sundry that
Smudge is *your* cat and the poor half starved waif thing is truly just and
act and that they are under no obligation to feed him whatsoever. A collar
and tags (if he doesn't already have them) go a long way in identifying a
'wandering' cat from a 'stray'.

Oh, the whole neighborhood knows her and they know me as "Smudge's mom".
I don't think anyone believes she is a stray! I've lived in the neighborhood
for 10 years, and so has Smudge. (But I've only met this woman recently,
even though she's also a long-time resident.)

Despite your feelings towards the woman, Smudge is obviously OK with her and
enjoys her company, and her food! Personally, I'd trust Smudge and let him
do what he clearly enjoys. He does come home to you, after all!

Well, that's another part of the problem, actually. She's so anxious to
get this woman's handouts that she doesn't come home as much as I want her
to. When the neighbor isn't feeding Smudge, she spends a good portion of
the evening indoors, and will sleep with me most of the night. I'm fine
with her being outdoors while I'm at work, or at home on the weekend. But
I don't like it when I call her to come in and she doesn't show up. That's
a bigger problem to me than the dietary one. I'd rather she eat healthier
food, but not if it means Smudge will stay away all the time. This woman
gives her Fancy Feast. It's tasty food and Smudge loves it, but it's much
lower quality than what I feed her. However, maybe I should just start
giving that to Smudge all the time. This is war after all!!

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

MLB wrote:

OR.you could offer to help the woman find a cat of her own to take care
of. Best wishes. MLB

She already has one!!

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

wrote:

That's gross. I can understand you being mad. She probably thought she
was doing a nice thing for the cute kitty, but how frustrating for you.
Here you are trying to train Caliban to live with less food than he would
like, and she's throwing him treats. Yucky purple treats at that! Are
you sure it was even a pet treat?


I'm pretty sure. I can't think what else they could have been. They were
the size and feel of normal kibble. The colour was weird, though. I
should have a look at the pet treats in the supermarket, to see what it
might have been. This was over a year ago, though, and Caliban had no
ill effects of it, and that's the main thing.

--
Marina, Miranda and Caliban.
In loving memory of Frank and Nikki.

wrote:

*snip*

But
I don't like it when I call her to come in and she doesn't show up.
That's a bigger problem to me than the dietary one. I'd rather she
eat healthier food, but not if it means Smudge will stay away all the
time. This woman gives her Fancy Feast. It's tasty food and Smudge
loves it, but it's much lower quality than what I feed her. However,
maybe I should just start giving that to Smudge all the time. This is
war after all!!

Crap, I can't put this terribly diplomatically. Apologies.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy or territoriality here? (its rhetorical, no
need to answer). Part of the issue is of course about Smudge's welfare, but
I am getting the impression (probably the wrong impression) that underlying
that is perhaps a slight feeling on your part that your neighbour is like
The Other Woman, and you are feeling somewhat, well, betrayed because Smudge
now also goes to her and enjoys her company too when you would like him to
be just a one-human (ie, you) cat? (again, rhetorical, no need to answer)

I know I would feel like that if I had found Shmogg, my heart cat, was
spending alot of time with a neighbour and treating that other person like
their 'one true hoomin' too. Irrational as it is, I would have been jealous
and upset because I truly felt we shared something special between us two
and only us two. If I found out Pickle was a little tramp, I wouldn't be so
upset, because he is not (and I doubt he ever will be) a 'heart cat', even
though I love him, but I will always think that Shmogg was *mine* and that I
was *his*, and it would really hurt if I found out that that wasn't true. I
can't even explain why I would expect a cat to be in a 'monogamous'
relationship with its owner(s) but the same can be said if I found out The
Yowlet was called another woman "Mummy" and did many of the Mummy-and-son
intimate things mothers and their sons do with each other. Perhaps its
because we see our pets as our children, and anthropomorphically expect them
to see us as their parents, or that culturally we expect deep and loving
relationships (even non sexual ones) to be pretty exclusive if not entirely
monogamous, I don't know. However irrational, though, I know I would still
be deeply upset by the thought that someone else had the sort of
relationship with Shmogg that I thought only I had.

If any of this rings true (and I'm not saying it should), then please take
that in consideration when dealing with this neighbour.

Yowie
--
"because its more fun to be evil" - Jarppi, _The Dudesons_

Yowie wrote:

Do I detect a hint of jealousy or territoriality here? (its rhetorical, no
need to answer). Part of the issue is of course about Smudge's welfare, but
I am getting the impression (probably the wrong impression) that underlying
that is perhaps a slight feeling on your part that your neighbour is like
The Other Woman, and you are feeling somewhat, well, betrayed because Smudge
now also goes to her and enjoys her company too when you would like him to
be just a one-human (ie, you) cat? (again, rhetorical, no need to answer)

But I will anyway. It's an interesting take. Sure, I'm a bit jealous.
But I really don't think that's the main issue. Smudge hangs out with other
people and I'm not jealous at all. I'm gone all day and I know she hangs
out with my neighbor downstairs inside his apartment. He gives her treats
and she lies around in his living room. I'm happy about it because I know
she has company and doesn't have to be lonely or bored. (Smudge keeps
him company, too - he and his wife split up last year, so he lives alone
and he likes having her visit.)

It's not so much that I feel possessive about Smudge's attention and
loyalty, etc. It has more to do with the woman's attitude. I feel like
she is shoving her nose in where it doesn't belong, making a lot of
wrong assumptions about me (and judging me accordingly), and not
respecting what I've asked her (not) to do. She seems to think she
knows what Smudge needs more than I do.

If I felt like she had an attitude of deference toward me (as I would
have toward anyone if their cat was visiting me regularly), and was
willing to work with me so that my wishes were respected, I would be
very comfortable knowing that Smudge had another buddy to go hang out
with.

The issue of Smudge not coming home regularly worries me, too. When I
don't see her for 24 hours, I start to wonder whether I should be
putting up signs. I'm fine with her being indoor/outdoor, and I'm fine
with her spending lots of time visiting other people. But I'd like to
know that both my neighbor and Smudge understand that this is her home.

I don't know, that seems reasonable to me...

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.