OT My turkey...

ROFLOL! Lori, you may be challenged in turkey-cooking but you are an A+
writer -- I loved this story -- one of the best I've read in long time --
will be forwarding this tale on to other friends in need of a hearty laugh!
Christine
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along.
It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

"Christine Burel" wrote in message
...
ROFLOL! Lori, you may be challenged in turkey-cooking but you are an A+
writer -- I loved this story -- one of the best I've read in long time --
will be forwarding this tale on to other friends in need of a hearty
laugh!
Christine
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message
news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of
an
oven.

great story snip


oops, Baha, I really do know you're not Lori! You both are quite
accomplished writers, though
;o)

"Joy" wrote in message
...
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message
news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...

snip disasterous but funny tale of cooking a turkey

To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?

I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

I put water in the bottom of a pan when I do roasts, but its *below* the
roast, the roast isn't sitting in it.

I do this for two reasons: first, the steam in the oven stops the meat
drying out so much, and second, the water catches all the drips of juice and
fat. About half an hour before serving, I take the water pan out, transfer
its contents to a saucepan to reduce the volume by boiling. The outside of
the roast crisps up in the oven in the mean time, but the inner part is
still juicy and moist. Once the water portion from the drip tray is at the
desired volume, I remove as much of the fat layer as I can, then add some
cornflour (or other thickening agent) and some salth, and it makes a
delicious gravy.

This is how I make sure that my roasts are 'low fat' (or lower than usual)
and hte gravy isn't heart-attack material :-) Oh, and my roasts tend to be
cooked to the point where the meat falls off the bone (we all like it like
that, can't stand any hint of pink in our roast meats - never done a turkey,
mind)

The fat, apprantly, makes wonderful dripping, but I can't stand the thought.
My father, on the other hand, loves 'bread and dripping' as a late evening
snack (must be a generational thing).

Yowie

Now I'll tell you a little turkey secret. Those beautiful golden birds you
see the chefs carving on TV?

They are as dry as toast.

Sounds like you did right well for your first attempt.

A little of the too many cooks when you both do a complicated brine as well
as add liquid to the roasting pan, but that's what makes life interesting.
(Well except for the fire)

Yes I've ended up with turkey fat spilled on the bottom of the oven. Never
had the luck to ignite it though.

It sounds like you made your Mother-in-laws day as well. She is gonna get a
lot of mileage out of that story.

Jo


"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along.
It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

On Nov 26, 4:57 pm, "Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote:
Matthew wrote:
Next year we will get you to deep fry one.

We'll et me a fryer and buld me a nice wood patio so I can set it on fire too!
:-)

fortunately, no cats were harmed in the making of that turkey.



Yes, but did the cats get any turkey?

Pam S. who wants to know.

Before my daughter took over the turkey-cooking job in our family, I used to
cook them breast down. They aren't nearly so pretty that way, but the
breast meat isn't nearly as dry.

--
Joy

Constant change is here to stay.

"Matthew" wrote in message
...
My turkeys look like that but are very juicy
I use a coke to baste the turkey and a very special rub on it to make it
crispy yet juicy


"jofirey" wrote in message
...
Now I'll tell you a little turkey secret. Those beautiful golden birds
you see the chefs carving on TV?

They are as dry as toast.

Sounds like you did right well for your first attempt.

A little of the too many cooks when you both do a complicated brine as
well as add liquid to the roasting pan, but that's what makes life
interesting. (Well except for the fire)

Yes I've ended up with turkey fat spilled on the bottom of the oven.
Never had the luck to ignite it though.

It sounds like you made your Mother-in-laws day as well. She is gonna
get a lot of mileage out of that story.

Jo


"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message
news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of
an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but
he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the
boss I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion,
apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there
to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one
ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the
juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel
collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him
from the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again
because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and
called the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the
bird had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she
told us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this
little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we
stuffed him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all
along. It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense
to do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom
up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for
twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To
my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

"Matthew" wrote:

My turkeys look like that but are very juicy
I use a coke to baste the turkey and a very special rub on it to make it
crispy yet juicy

You baste your turkey in *coke*?? (Er, that's "Coke" - capital C. I knew
it wasn't the other kind! )

Oh, well, why not? People cook with all sorts of things, but this is a
new one to me.

Joyce

This description of cooking a turkey has to be the funniest thing I have
read in YEARS!! You had, you cooked, you conquered, in the end that is all
that mattered. I have always wondered why they put the neck in the
turkeys........and the giblets where its head should be. After sixty plus
years I don't suppose I need to know. You will laugh about this for years
to come and, after all, that is what Thanksgiving is about!!!
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along.
It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

Baha via CatKB.com wrote:
...was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

snip hilarious account of cooking a turkey

Thanks for the ROFL, Baha. It tasted good, that's the main thing, not
looking pretty.

--
Marina, Miranda and Caliban. In loving memory of Frank and Nikki.

Lee, behave yourself. Probably one good cook to a lifetime anyway!!!!
Besides...never mind!
"Stormmee" wrote in message
...
I have Mathew filed away for future reference, if I cook for DH and he
leaves this plane I will need another cook, to warm me up... I mean warm
my... I mean fill my belly with warm food, yes that's what I meant, Lee
Baha via CatKB.com u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of
an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but
he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion,
apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again
because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this
little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all
along.
It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom
up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for
twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To
my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1