If we ever needed purrs

Mishi wrote:

Hi Lesley,

The only thing that keeps me going at times is my furballs.

Same here but I feel so guilty that they are being neglected sometimes. I
mean they get fed, watered and a clean boc but they're used to having someone
to play with all day at home. When I get in I make a special point of half an
hours play and brushies etc but it's a poor substitute, they want their Paw
back!



BTW, in the US there are places you can rent medical equipment like
frames, rails for the toilet/bathtub, etc. Is there anything like this
in your area?

There is but social services need to approve things. If there are things we
need they can provide them


As a friend of mine says "Keep smiling. It makes them wonder what you
will do next."

Thanks! That's the first laugh I've had all day!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

--
Message posted via http://www.catkb.com

Lesley wrote:

Hi

Got told today he probably won't be home for Xmas....


I can't go on....He seems to be fine with it and yes, I can understand
if getting him better means an extra week or so after Xmas make it so
but if I only had some idea. I can't cope with this anymore but I don't
know what to do

Option 1- stick with it....I can't

So don't! You remind me of my ex's second wife, whose
solution to his "problem" drinking was to descend into the
bottle with him. Sounds to me as though you've given him a
lot more support than he could reasonably expect, but he's a
bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism!

Option 2- Leave....Believe me I am thinking of it...get a new place and
move out.


So do!

First problem...finding a place that will take the Furballs.

Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are
reasonably well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit
for them.

Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it...

So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days,
he'll probably figure it out for himself.

I don't for one second
imagine he'll miss me that much (after all it is my own fault for
putting him in that place to begin with) but the Furballs?

He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either.

And anyway
since he can't get to the shops who will get him the bits and pieces he
needs

If he really NEEDS them, he'll find a way. What about the
care-givers where he is? They'd hardly deny him anything he
REALLY needs! (Maybe, if you aren't around, he'd make an
effort to obtain those "bits and pieces" for himself.)


They're saying before he leaves the psychiatrist guy has to be at the
discharge meeting to make sure he's okay....

From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not
going to happen anytime soon!

Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a
"carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go
anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but
I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who
might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched
my line managers grace for other visits

I think it's time to start worrying about yourself! Dave is
presumably an adult male - if he didn't have you, he'd
either learn to fend for himself or find another sucker for
whom he could be an emotional leach.

I'm tired of coming home to a cold and empty flat apart from the
Furballs

Sounds like your Furballs are better company! There are
worse situations than living alone, and from what you've
been describing, living with your Dave may be one of them!

(Yes sometimes bad as it sounds I want to scream at him "We're in this
mess because despite my telling you to see a doctor you didn't! Do you
really hate me so much you wanted to put me through this?!" but of
course I can't...he's suffered enough and had so many "I told you so's"
from everyone)

Apparently not enough of them! Part of growing up is
learning to accept responsibility for one's own actions (or
failures to act) and to live with one's mistakes. I gather
you are both of mature years, but he sounds like a perennial
adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can
manage to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes).
I was married to someone like that, too - but for me five
years was enough. I've never regretted leaving him - my
only regret was waiting so long before I did!

"EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque)" wrote in message
...


Lesley wrote:

Hi

Got told today he probably won't be home for Xmas....


I can't go on....He seems to be fine with it and yes, I can understand
if getting him better means an extra week or so after Xmas make it so
but if I only had some idea. I can't cope with this anymore but I don't
know what to do

Option 1- stick with it....I can't

So don't! You remind me of my ex's second wife, whose solution to his
"problem" drinking was to descend into the bottle with him. Sounds to me
as though you've given him a lot more support than he could reasonably
expect, but he's a bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism!

Option 2- Leave....Believe me I am thinking of it...get a new place and
move out.


So do!

First problem...finding a place that will take the Furballs.

Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are reasonably
well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit for them.

Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it...

So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days, he'll probably
figure it out for himself.

I don't for one second
imagine he'll miss me that much (after all it is my own fault for
putting him in that place to begin with) but the Furballs?

He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either.

And anyway
since he can't get to the shops who will get him the bits and pieces he
needs

If he really NEEDS them, he'll find a way. What about the care-givers
where he is? They'd hardly deny him anything he REALLY needs! (Maybe, if
you aren't around, he'd make an effort to obtain those "bits and pieces"
for himself.)


They're saying before he leaves the psychiatrist guy has to be at the
discharge meeting to make sure he's okay....

From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not going to happen
anytime soon!

Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a
"carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go
anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but
I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who
might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched
my line managers grace for other visits

I think it's time to start worrying about yourself! Dave is presumably an
adult male - if he didn't have you, he'd either learn to fend for himself
or find another sucker for whom he could be an emotional leach.

I'm tired of coming home to a cold and empty flat apart from the
Furballs

Sounds like your Furballs are better company! There are worse situations
than living alone, and from what you've been describing, living with your
Dave may be one of them!

(Yes sometimes bad as it sounds I want to scream at him "We're in this
mess because despite my telling you to see a doctor you didn't! Do you
really hate me so much you wanted to put me through this?!" but of
course I can't...he's suffered enough and had so many "I told you so's"
from everyone)

Apparently not enough of them! Part of growing up is learning to accept
responsibility for one's own actions (or failures to act) and to live with
one's mistakes. I gather you are both of mature years, but he sounds like
a perennial adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can manage
to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes). I was married to
someone like that, too - but for me five years was enough. I've never
regretted leaving him - my only regret was waiting so long before I did!

I'd have to second this. Of course, it's entirely up to you whether you want
to leave. But at the very least, there is no reason to go on being a dumping
ground for somone else's self imposed misery. Being in pain or having a hard
time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction. Can't remember who said
this, but a Jewish concentration camp survivor siad that he survived because
he realised there was one freedom no-one could take from him; the freedom to
choose his own attitude to his circumstances. Right now Dave is choosing to
lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed. Even nice
people will do this if you allow them. At the very least, take a step back
and start putting some rules up for yourself. Evelyns suggestions are
wonderful. If he starts being horrible, state clearly 'I am not going to
stay here if you are going to talk to me like this. I do not deserve it' and
get up and go. For that matter, practise saying 'I don't deserve this'
because you seem to take too much responsibilty here. Please remember,
feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means
that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty, and you can
retrain yourself as well!! Please keep in touch with us all, and listen to
the wonderful advice from all these wonderful people who obviously love you.

Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a
"carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go
anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but
I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who
might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched
my line managers grace for other visits

While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. Find a support
group, or talk to a therapist.

2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to
express frustration, fear and regret is fine. Being a verbal punching
bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out
ON you, if that makes sense. You do not deserve to be, and should not,
be an outlet for his emotional outbursts. He is an adult man and as
such needs to take on responsibility for his own behaviour.

You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

Bright Blessings and purrs,

--Fil

EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque) wrote:
Lesley wrote:
Sounds to me as though you've given him a
lot more support than he could reasonably expect, but he's a
bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism!

Pardon me? This is my Dave you're talking about


Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are
reasonably well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit
for them.

Well I don't know if Sarrasine could be described as "reasonably self
behaved" unless she's being "Good" (That cat is an emotional extremist
she's either the most adorable feline you ever met or she's the b**ch
queen from Hell- you don't get half measures with that one!) Also in
the UK as far as I know we don't have pet deposits a landlord just says
"no pets" or "pets" and that is it)


Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it...

So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days,
he'll probably figure it out for himself.


And I am such a coward that I can't at least face him and tell him why
I'm leaving after 28 years? Kick the guy in the teeth while he's down?
Why don't I go mug a crippled child on the way out?



He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either.

Have you been following this thread? He's sat there and cried about
missing them. His first question every night is how are they? His last
instruction most nights is to skitch them from him and tell them he'll
be home soon. He'd miss them more than me. When he was on the ward he
even asked if they could come and see him....and then when the staff
said maybe...if they're in a carrier..he said it wouldn't be fair on
them to be loaded into a carrier and dragged down there to see him so
he would have to forgo the pleasure of seeing them!




From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not
going to happen anytime soon!

It's going to happen when he's able to do what he has to to be home
safely not before. Because of his hands it's going to take a little
longer...there's no equipment designed for his hands probably because
what he's got is so rare!


- if he didn't have you, he'd
either learn to fend for himself or find another sucker for
whom he could be an emotional leach.

Okay! Gloves off time! Until this happened he's always been the
stronger of both of us! Maybe I'm paying him back for the years when he
supported me through 3 major bereavments, (Mum, dad and a very close
friend), two severe bouts of depression (Both caused by job problems
not him) and a few other minor problems (Like a sprained knee that made
me unable to do things for a fortnight!). How DARE you make judgements
on a relationship that has lasted as long as ours have. Where are you?
Do you actually know us? (Jeez! Thanks! Your ignorant posturing is
making me feel angry and that feels GOOD!)


from what you've
been describing, living with your Dave may be one of them!

Living with Dave is NOT the problem it's living without him!


adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can
manage to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes).

To be frank "********" Dave's had to cope with a lot of things that
would be hard for anyone. This World isn't designed for people like him
and he's come through with flying colours!

I was married to someone like that, too - but for me five
years was enough. I've never regretted leaving him - my
only regret was waiting so long before I did!

That's your solution to the problem and if it works for you fine!
Remind me when did I ask you for relationship advice...I must have been
drunk at the time. You aren't here and you aren't living it and yes, I
do come here to vent sometimes but he's been in hospital for 11 weeks
and you seem to think I should turn my back on 28 good years! Yes I'm
stressed amd maybe Dave's behaviour isn't normal but nothing about this
situation is normal! Normal is when he is back at home. Frankly you
disgust me! People here have been helping me to cope and you come out
of nowhere to make outrageous suggestions based on a complete ignorance
of the situation!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

meeee wrote:

Being in pain or having a hard
time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction.

I'm going to be nice

Dave's being as cheerful as he can be under the circumstances...He
keeps trying to be positive...It's me that feels low from time to time

Right now Dave is choosing to
lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed.

He doesn't lean on me..it was just me getting stressed out- it's sorted

because you seem to take too much responsibilty here.

Well who else is there? His family comprise a mum and dad who would
dearly love to visit but they are in Scotland and not in the best of
health. One of my brothers is in Hastings and the other in Oxford and
because of my mothers manipulations (as we found out at her funeral-
she didn't like Dave and before anyone says "maybe she was right" she
was just upset at the idea I hadn't married what she wanted me to
marry...I mean from her point of view she once said to me "If you have
children will they turn out like it?" ie with the same deformity and
anyway he wasn't a chartered accountant! My mums ambition for me short
of Prince Charles was a nice accountant..at her funeral we found out
many times various relatives had asked for both of us to be invited to
weddings etc and she'd told them we wouldn 't come and then not told me
until after the event. The nearest she got to warming up to Dave was
telling me we could come to a wedding but it was somewhere in Kent..etc
etc...turned out it was in Blackheath and I can get a bus from the top
of the road to Blackheath!) most of my close family (and thanks to mum
we aren't that close) don't know Dave at all

So yes it comes down to me but he'd do the same for me


Please remember,
feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means
that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty,

Mum again I'm trying to escape it since she's been gone but it's only
just over 2 years and I'm trying to undo the habit of a lifetime!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. Find a support
group, or talk to a therapist.

I'll fill you in shortly but surprsingly I think I've found one and
thanks there are some people on this list who seem to think my getting
stressed out should be a reason to just walk out on 28 years. For
someone to say its okay to let Dave lean on me is a big thing for me

You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I now realise I always have done it's the end of the day after I've
left Dave and I come here

I'm getting myself together and certain people on the list (A certain
person to be specific) are just making me angry...which I suppose is
good in its own way

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job.

funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow
certain people to judge/critize me first)

2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to
express frustration, fear and regret is fine.
Being a verbal punching
bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out
ON you, if that makes sense.

Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself


You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or
at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of
cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little
rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants
to chase it

Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a
good time

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Enfilade wrote:
While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to
remember this:

Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me
and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd

1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking
after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job.

funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow
certain people to judge/critize me first)

2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to
express frustration, fear and regret is fine.
Being a verbal punching
bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out
ON you, if that makes sense.

Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself


You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie
earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you
give him what you can spare.

I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or
at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of
cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little
rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants
to chase it

Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a
good time

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

"Lesley" wrote in message
ups.com...

meeee wrote:

Being in pain or having a hard
time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction.

I'm going to be nice

Dave's being as cheerful as he can be under the circumstances...He
keeps trying to be positive...It's me that feels low from time to time

Right now Dave is choosing to
lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed.

He doesn't lean on me..it was just me getting stressed out- it's sorted

because you seem to take too much responsibilty here.

Well who else is there? His family comprise a mum and dad who would
dearly love to visit but they are in Scotland and not in the best of
health. One of my brothers is in Hastings and the other in Oxford and
because of my mothers manipulations (as we found out at her funeral-
she didn't like Dave and before anyone says "maybe she was right" she
was just upset at the idea I hadn't married what she wanted me to
marry...I mean from her point of view she once said to me "If you have
children will they turn out like it?" ie with the same deformity and
anyway he wasn't a chartered accountant! My mums ambition for me short
of Prince Charles was a nice accountant..at her funeral we found out
many times various relatives had asked for both of us to be invited to
weddings etc and she'd told them we wouldn 't come and then not told me
until after the event. The nearest she got to warming up to Dave was
telling me we could come to a wedding but it was somewhere in Kent..etc
etc...turned out it was in Blackheath and I can get a bus from the top
of the road to Blackheath!) most of my close family (and thanks to mum
we aren't that close) don't know Dave at all

So yes it comes down to me but he'd do the same for me


Please remember,
feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means
that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty,

Mum again I'm trying to escape it since she's been gone but it's only
just over 2 years and I'm trying to undo the habit of a lifetime!

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs


Lesley I'm so sorry if I caused you any offence, I am definitely not in the
'you should leave' camp, I get that sometimes about my DH as he's from
another country/has struggled with addiction, mental illness and anger
management.
I did mean that you need to draw the line, not specifically with Dave but
with the whole situation. I'm sure he would do the same with you, you
wouldn't be with him if you didn't think that. My Dh also has no-one to turn
to with these struggles and I understand the pressure of being the only
helper for someone. It is very hard, especially when they really need you
and you *know* if you leave/don't offer support no-one else will be there.
And people might say 'there are counsellors, nurses etc etc" and "he is
responsible for himself" but many men will *never* open up to a stranger,
and would literally rather kill themselves. And yes they are responsible for
themselves, but when you choose to be with someone you choose to step in
when they need it and help. I understand all that, but I know also that when
you are offering support like that, you also have no support as your partner
is temporarily unable to support you, and in 'socially unusual' partnerships
like ours, you are automatically isolated and categorized and generally
misunderstood on a day to day basis so you tend to not bother trying in the
end; the judgements and assumptions are usually not worth getting through.
If this is the case, you need to do it for yourself....look after yourself
first then you will have the strength to look after him. Despite him having
the greater need, if you don't put yourself first you will keep breaking
down. Have you tried meditating? I have started recently, just sitting down
and practising quietness, and it has helped me feel a lot less stressed.
Anyway, whatever you do, I hope things get better soon. Don't feel guilty;
our mothers aren't always right!! They just like to think they are...