If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#501
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Mishi wrote:
Hi Lesley, The only thing that keeps me going at times is my furballs. Same here but I feel so guilty that they are being neglected sometimes. I mean they get fed, watered and a clean boc but they're used to having someone to play with all day at home. When I get in I make a special point of half an hours play and brushies etc but it's a poor substitute, they want their Paw back! BTW, in the US there are places you can rent medical equipment like frames, rails for the toilet/bathtub, etc. Is there anything like this in your area? There is but social services need to approve things. If there are things we need they can provide them As a friend of mine says "Keep smiling. It makes them wonder what you will do next." Thanks! That's the first laugh I've had all day! Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs -- Message posted via http://www.catkb.com |
#502
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Lesley wrote: Hi Got told today he probably won't be home for Xmas.... I can't go on....He seems to be fine with it and yes, I can understand if getting him better means an extra week or so after Xmas make it so but if I only had some idea. I can't cope with this anymore but I don't know what to do Option 1- stick with it....I can't So don't! You remind me of my ex's second wife, whose solution to his "problem" drinking was to descend into the bottle with him. Sounds to me as though you've given him a lot more support than he could reasonably expect, but he's a bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism! Option 2- Leave....Believe me I am thinking of it...get a new place and move out. So do! First problem...finding a place that will take the Furballs. Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are reasonably well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit for them. Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it... So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days, he'll probably figure it out for himself. I don't for one second imagine he'll miss me that much (after all it is my own fault for putting him in that place to begin with) but the Furballs? He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either. And anyway since he can't get to the shops who will get him the bits and pieces he needs If he really NEEDS them, he'll find a way. What about the care-givers where he is? They'd hardly deny him anything he REALLY needs! (Maybe, if you aren't around, he'd make an effort to obtain those "bits and pieces" for himself.) They're saying before he leaves the psychiatrist guy has to be at the discharge meeting to make sure he's okay.... From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not going to happen anytime soon! Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a "carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched my line managers grace for other visits I think it's time to start worrying about yourself! Dave is presumably an adult male - if he didn't have you, he'd either learn to fend for himself or find another sucker for whom he could be an emotional leach. I'm tired of coming home to a cold and empty flat apart from the Furballs Sounds like your Furballs are better company! There are worse situations than living alone, and from what you've been describing, living with your Dave may be one of them! (Yes sometimes bad as it sounds I want to scream at him "We're in this mess because despite my telling you to see a doctor you didn't! Do you really hate me so much you wanted to put me through this?!" but of course I can't...he's suffered enough and had so many "I told you so's" from everyone) Apparently not enough of them! Part of growing up is learning to accept responsibility for one's own actions (or failures to act) and to live with one's mistakes. I gather you are both of mature years, but he sounds like a perennial adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can manage to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes). I was married to someone like that, too - but for me five years was enough. I've never regretted leaving him - my only regret was waiting so long before I did! |
#503
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
"EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque)" wrote in message ... Lesley wrote: Hi Got told today he probably won't be home for Xmas.... I can't go on....He seems to be fine with it and yes, I can understand if getting him better means an extra week or so after Xmas make it so but if I only had some idea. I can't cope with this anymore but I don't know what to do Option 1- stick with it....I can't So don't! You remind me of my ex's second wife, whose solution to his "problem" drinking was to descend into the bottle with him. Sounds to me as though you've given him a lot more support than he could reasonably expect, but he's a bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism! Option 2- Leave....Believe me I am thinking of it...get a new place and move out. So do! First problem...finding a place that will take the Furballs. Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are reasonably well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit for them. Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it... So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days, he'll probably figure it out for himself. I don't for one second imagine he'll miss me that much (after all it is my own fault for putting him in that place to begin with) but the Furballs? He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either. And anyway since he can't get to the shops who will get him the bits and pieces he needs If he really NEEDS them, he'll find a way. What about the care-givers where he is? They'd hardly deny him anything he REALLY needs! (Maybe, if you aren't around, he'd make an effort to obtain those "bits and pieces" for himself.) They're saying before he leaves the psychiatrist guy has to be at the discharge meeting to make sure he's okay.... From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not going to happen anytime soon! Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a "carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched my line managers grace for other visits I think it's time to start worrying about yourself! Dave is presumably an adult male - if he didn't have you, he'd either learn to fend for himself or find another sucker for whom he could be an emotional leach. I'm tired of coming home to a cold and empty flat apart from the Furballs Sounds like your Furballs are better company! There are worse situations than living alone, and from what you've been describing, living with your Dave may be one of them! (Yes sometimes bad as it sounds I want to scream at him "We're in this mess because despite my telling you to see a doctor you didn't! Do you really hate me so much you wanted to put me through this?!" but of course I can't...he's suffered enough and had so many "I told you so's" from everyone) Apparently not enough of them! Part of growing up is learning to accept responsibility for one's own actions (or failures to act) and to live with one's mistakes. I gather you are both of mature years, but he sounds like a perennial adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can manage to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes). I was married to someone like that, too - but for me five years was enough. I've never regretted leaving him - my only regret was waiting so long before I did! I'd have to second this. Of course, it's entirely up to you whether you want to leave. But at the very least, there is no reason to go on being a dumping ground for somone else's self imposed misery. Being in pain or having a hard time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction. Can't remember who said this, but a Jewish concentration camp survivor siad that he survived because he realised there was one freedom no-one could take from him; the freedom to choose his own attitude to his circumstances. Right now Dave is choosing to lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed. Even nice people will do this if you allow them. At the very least, take a step back and start putting some rules up for yourself. Evelyns suggestions are wonderful. If he starts being horrible, state clearly 'I am not going to stay here if you are going to talk to me like this. I do not deserve it' and get up and go. For that matter, practise saying 'I don't deserve this' because you seem to take too much responsibilty here. Please remember, feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty, and you can retrain yourself as well!! Please keep in touch with us all, and listen to the wonderful advice from all these wonderful people who obviously love you. |
#504
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Doesn't anyone worry about me? I don't exactly want to be tagged as a "carer" since I am not and anyway the few offers I've had to go anywhere near a carers meeting have always been when I am at work but I'd like to talk to someone in this mess. But his social worker who might be the best person works part-time and I have already stretched my line managers grace for other visits While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to remember this: 1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. Find a support group, or talk to a therapist. 2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to express frustration, fear and regret is fine. Being a verbal punching bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out ON you, if that makes sense. You do not deserve to be, and should not, be an outlet for his emotional outbursts. He is an adult man and as such needs to take on responsibility for his own behaviour. You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you give him what you can spare. Bright Blessings and purrs, --Fil |
#505
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque) wrote: Lesley wrote: Sounds to me as though you've given him a lot more support than he could reasonably expect, but he's a bottomless pit of self-pity and egotism! Pardon me? This is my Dave you're talking about Not an insurmountable problem - if your critters are reasonably well-behaved and you're willing to pay a deposit for them. Well I don't know if Sarrasine could be described as "reasonably self behaved" unless she's being "Good" (That cat is an emotional extremist she's either the most adorable feline you ever met or she's the b**ch queen from Hell- you don't get half measures with that one!) Also in the UK as far as I know we don't have pet deposits a landlord just says "no pets" or "pets" and that is it) Second problem...Telling him..Can't do it... So don't tell him - when he doesn't see you for a few days, he'll probably figure it out for himself. And I am such a coward that I can't at least face him and tell him why I'm leaving after 28 years? Kick the guy in the teeth while he's down? Why don't I go mug a crippled child on the way out? He doesn't seem to be all that concerned about them, either. Have you been following this thread? He's sat there and cried about missing them. His first question every night is how are they? His last instruction most nights is to skitch them from him and tell them he'll be home soon. He'd miss them more than me. When he was on the ward he even asked if they could come and see him....and then when the staff said maybe...if they're in a carrier..he said it wouldn't be fair on them to be loaded into a carrier and dragged down there to see him so he would have to forgo the pleasure of seeing them! From what you've been telling us, I suspect that's not going to happen anytime soon! It's going to happen when he's able to do what he has to to be home safely not before. Because of his hands it's going to take a little longer...there's no equipment designed for his hands probably because what he's got is so rare! - if he didn't have you, he'd either learn to fend for himself or find another sucker for whom he could be an emotional leach. Okay! Gloves off time! Until this happened he's always been the stronger of both of us! Maybe I'm paying him back for the years when he supported me through 3 major bereavments, (Mum, dad and a very close friend), two severe bouts of depression (Both caused by job problems not him) and a few other minor problems (Like a sprained knee that made me unable to do things for a fortnight!). How DARE you make judgements on a relationship that has lasted as long as ours have. Where are you? Do you actually know us? (Jeez! Thanks! Your ignorant posturing is making me feel angry and that feels GOOD!) from what you've been describing, living with your Dave may be one of them! Living with Dave is NOT the problem it's living without him! adolescent (and likely to remain so, as long as he can manage to find someone else to blame for his misfortunes). To be frank "********" Dave's had to cope with a lot of things that would be hard for anyone. This World isn't designed for people like him and he's come through with flying colours! I was married to someone like that, too - but for me five years was enough. I've never regretted leaving him - my only regret was waiting so long before I did! That's your solution to the problem and if it works for you fine! Remind me when did I ask you for relationship advice...I must have been drunk at the time. You aren't here and you aren't living it and yes, I do come here to vent sometimes but he's been in hospital for 11 weeks and you seem to think I should turn my back on 28 good years! Yes I'm stressed amd maybe Dave's behaviour isn't normal but nothing about this situation is normal! Normal is when he is back at home. Frankly you disgust me! People here have been helping me to cope and you come out of nowhere to make outrageous suggestions based on a complete ignorance of the situation! Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#506
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
meeee wrote: Being in pain or having a hard time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction. I'm going to be nice Dave's being as cheerful as he can be under the circumstances...He keeps trying to be positive...It's me that feels low from time to time Right now Dave is choosing to lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed. He doesn't lean on me..it was just me getting stressed out- it's sorted because you seem to take too much responsibilty here. Well who else is there? His family comprise a mum and dad who would dearly love to visit but they are in Scotland and not in the best of health. One of my brothers is in Hastings and the other in Oxford and because of my mothers manipulations (as we found out at her funeral- she didn't like Dave and before anyone says "maybe she was right" she was just upset at the idea I hadn't married what she wanted me to marry...I mean from her point of view she once said to me "If you have children will they turn out like it?" ie with the same deformity and anyway he wasn't a chartered accountant! My mums ambition for me short of Prince Charles was a nice accountant..at her funeral we found out many times various relatives had asked for both of us to be invited to weddings etc and she'd told them we wouldn 't come and then not told me until after the event. The nearest she got to warming up to Dave was telling me we could come to a wedding but it was somewhere in Kent..etc etc...turned out it was in Blackheath and I can get a bus from the top of the road to Blackheath!) most of my close family (and thanks to mum we aren't that close) don't know Dave at all So yes it comes down to me but he'd do the same for me Please remember, feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty, Mum again I'm trying to escape it since she's been gone but it's only just over 2 years and I'm trying to undo the habit of a lifetime! Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#507
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Enfilade wrote: While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to remember this: 1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. Find a support group, or talk to a therapist. I'll fill you in shortly but surprsingly I think I've found one and thanks there are some people on this list who seem to think my getting stressed out should be a reason to just walk out on 28 years. For someone to say its okay to let Dave lean on me is a big thing for me You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you give him what you can spare. I now realise I always have done it's the end of the day after I've left Dave and I come here I'm getting myself together and certain people on the list (A certain person to be specific) are just making me angry...which I suppose is good in its own way Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#508
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Enfilade wrote: While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to remember this: Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd 1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow certain people to judge/critize me first) 2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to express frustration, fear and regret is fine. Being a verbal punching bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out ON you, if that makes sense. Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you give him what you can spare. I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants to chase it Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a good time Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#509
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
Enfilade wrote: While it's okay to let Dave lean on you once in a while, you need to remember this: Thanks Fil at last someone who says it;s okay to let Dave lean on me and doesn't say its because he's emotionaly immature etd 1. You need support too. Being in the position where you are looking after the needs of an ill/disabled spouse is a big job. funnily enough I found someone today I'll explain later (Have to allow certain people to judge/critize me first) 2. You need to have limits. Being a sympathetic ear for Dave to express frustration, fear and regret is fine. Being a verbal punching bag is not. Dave can express anger TO you, but shouldn't take it out ON you, if that makes sense. Makes sense actually most of his anger is directed at himself You also need to make sure you are looking after your OWN needs (ie earning a living, buying and cooking food, getting sleep) before you give him what you can spare. I think this last bit of the day when works done with, Dave's abed (or at least they threw me out) is my time I just opened a new pack of cigarettes and the Furballs drooled in anticipation.. throwing little rolled up paper ball at them...its the best toy ever even Dunzi wants to chase it Whoops! It wenr under the sofa! Sarsi just got it out they're having a good time Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs |
#510
|
|||
|
|||
See my tether it's 40 feet behind me!
"Lesley" wrote in message ups.com... meeee wrote: Being in pain or having a hard time is no excuse, we determine our own reaction. I'm going to be nice Dave's being as cheerful as he can be under the circumstances...He keeps trying to be positive...It's me that feels low from time to time Right now Dave is choosing to lean on you very heavily, to the point where you have collapsed. He doesn't lean on me..it was just me getting stressed out- it's sorted because you seem to take too much responsibilty here. Well who else is there? His family comprise a mum and dad who would dearly love to visit but they are in Scotland and not in the best of health. One of my brothers is in Hastings and the other in Oxford and because of my mothers manipulations (as we found out at her funeral- she didn't like Dave and before anyone says "maybe she was right" she was just upset at the idea I hadn't married what she wanted me to marry...I mean from her point of view she once said to me "If you have children will they turn out like it?" ie with the same deformity and anyway he wasn't a chartered accountant! My mums ambition for me short of Prince Charles was a nice accountant..at her funeral we found out many times various relatives had asked for both of us to be invited to weddings etc and she'd told them we wouldn 't come and then not told me until after the event. The nearest she got to warming up to Dave was telling me we could come to a wedding but it was somewhere in Kent..etc etc...turned out it was in Blackheath and I can get a bus from the top of the road to Blackheath!) most of my close family (and thanks to mum we aren't that close) don't know Dave at all So yes it comes down to me but he'd do the same for me Please remember, feeling guilty does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means that sometime in your life you have been trained to feel guilty, Mum again I'm trying to escape it since she's been gone but it's only just over 2 years and I'm trying to undo the habit of a lifetime! Lesley Slave of the Fabulous Furballs Lesley I'm so sorry if I caused you any offence, I am definitely not in the 'you should leave' camp, I get that sometimes about my DH as he's from another country/has struggled with addiction, mental illness and anger management. I did mean that you need to draw the line, not specifically with Dave but with the whole situation. I'm sure he would do the same with you, you wouldn't be with him if you didn't think that. My Dh also has no-one to turn to with these struggles and I understand the pressure of being the only helper for someone. It is very hard, especially when they really need you and you *know* if you leave/don't offer support no-one else will be there. And people might say 'there are counsellors, nurses etc etc" and "he is responsible for himself" but many men will *never* open up to a stranger, and would literally rather kill themselves. And yes they are responsible for themselves, but when you choose to be with someone you choose to step in when they need it and help. I understand all that, but I know also that when you are offering support like that, you also have no support as your partner is temporarily unable to support you, and in 'socially unusual' partnerships like ours, you are automatically isolated and categorized and generally misunderstood on a day to day basis so you tend to not bother trying in the end; the judgements and assumptions are usually not worth getting through. If this is the case, you need to do it for yourself....look after yourself first then you will have the strength to look after him. Despite him having the greater need, if you don't put yourself first you will keep breaking down. Have you tried meditating? I have started recently, just sitting down and practising quietness, and it has helped me feel a lot less stressed. Anyway, whatever you do, I hope things get better soon. Don't feel guilty; our mothers aren't always right!! They just like to think they are... |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Cat safety purrs needed - LA area | Dan M | Cat anecdotes | 18 | October 30th 05 10:58 PM |
Urgent Purrs Needed | ChildFree23 | Cat community | 9 | August 8th 05 09:52 AM |
Vet Tech Journals: Tinta update and Ouchie purrs needed..... | Mischief | Cat anecdotes | 9 | May 30th 05 04:15 PM |
Get-The-Job Purrs Needed | Catnipped | Cat anecdotes | 21 | May 27th 05 10:24 PM |
Purrs Needed | Gizela | Cat anecdotes | 12 | November 8th 03 02:51 PM |