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Squirrel Chips C&C - oldie but goodie



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 14th 06, 02:25 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Default Squirrel Chips C&C - oldie but goodie

Squirrel Chips

A friend from TX sent me this tonight.....

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!

The weather has been unseasonal and warm in Austin, so I got the bike
out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood
with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a
brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop
immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been
trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was
not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it
was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of
themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He
was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast
resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last
possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was
squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen
scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot
straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the
chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn
he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling,
hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I
was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans
this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was
doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, uttering at maybe 25 mph down a
quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent
off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I
recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should
have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have
sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his
business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the
wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry
squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,
with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact; he landed squarely on my back and resumed his
rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed
to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were
continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the
least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand
(the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back
unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one
result. Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very
good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather
glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a
quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on
his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the
mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash
into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured
out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply
overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little
effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began
hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It
had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon
maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so
her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got
the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of
my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of -- so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled
off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to
do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel,
and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a
live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big
motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I
then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire
smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to
fess up (and to get my glove back).

I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did
not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the
moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car
were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back,
doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from
the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the
street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops
were not interested in me.

They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was
one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying
pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also
swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at
me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A
somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right
turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided
it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves... and some
Band-Aids.
  #2  
Old January 14th 06, 05:08 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Default Squirrel Chips C&C - oldie but goodie

In article
outpets.com, Gabey8
wrote:

LMHO!!!!

I just laughed so hard, my husband downstairs (who, I hasten to mention,
is hard of hearing) called upstairs to ask what was so funny.

Hee hee hee... great stuff!

Donna


I do hope the squirrel was tested for rabies.
  #3  
Old January 14th 06, 06:36 AM posted to rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Default Squirrel Chips C&C - oldie but goodie

"Dave Gerecke" wrote in message
m.au...
Squirrel Chips

A friend from TX sent me this tonight.....

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!


There's more where that came from. Here is the author's website.
http://lifeisaroad.com/ He is also into re-building a boat. We have all
three of his books and have turned several people on to them as well.

Enjoy!

Diane


 




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