Ping Lesley

Just thinking of you... I just wrote a post and had to type "four cats"
and it made me cry. But I also wrote about Bandit in that same post and
that was part of it. All we can do is hang on to the belief that there
is a Rainbow Bridge and that we *will* one day be with our loved ones again.

Interestingly, there was an episode of "Through The Wormhole" where some
scientists interviewed feel that they've proven the existence of an
afterlife - it was very reassuring in some ways, disturbing, to me, in
other ways.

--
Hugs,

CatNipped
See all our masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped

See the RPCA FAQ site, created by "Yowie", maintained by Mark Edwards, at:
http://www.professional-geek.net/rpcablog/

Email: L(dot)T(dot)Crews(at)comcast(dot)net

On Jul 15, 5:28*pm, CatNipped wrote:
Just thinking of you... I just wrote a post and had to type "four cats"
and it made me cry. *But I also wrote about Bandit in that same post and
that was part of it. *All we can do is hang on to the belief that there
is a Rainbow Bridge and that we *will* one day be with our loved ones again.

i have this recurring thought that when I am on my deathbed Dunzi
will look at me and turn away saying "When I really needed you most
you let me down so I'm returning the compliment- I would have made it
but you didn't love me enough to take a chance"

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furball

On 7/16/2011 11:21 AM, Lesley wrote:
On Jul 15, 5:28 pm, wrote:
Just thinking of you... I just wrote a post and had to type "four cats"
and it made me cry. But I also wrote about Bandit in that same post and
that was part of it. All we can do is hang on to the belief that there
is a Rainbow Bridge and that we *will* one day be with our loved ones again.

i have this recurring thought that when I am on my deathbed Dunzi
will look at me and turn away saying "When I really needed you most
you let me down so I'm returning the compliment- I would have made it
but you didn't love me enough to take a chance"

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furball

Please, Lesley, stop it... just stop it. I *know* how hard that is...
how do you think I felt when I went *OVER A WEEK* before I noticed the
burns on Bandit's belly from the rice bag the vet tech left in the
microwave too long and basically cooked my baby! The only reason I
noticed it was I *SMELLED* the gangrene! Yeah, she was a long-haired
cat, yeah she was a stand-offish cat, yeah she never willingly let me
rub her belly, yeah cats hide their pain better than any other animal on
earth... but so what - *I SHOULD HAVE FOUND IT SOONER"! Then they found
more burns on her back and side another week or so later. *WHAT KIND OF
A MOM DOES THAT???!!!* She didn't die of her wounds, she lived another
three years after that, but she was 15 years old with burns on 75% of
her body - *AND I TOTALLY MISSED IT*!!! She went through the most
horrible, painful torture any creature could know because *I* picked the
wrong vet to have her teeth cleaned, and *I* missed finding the burns on
her body.

You have to let it go - you *KNOW* how much you loved her, you *KNOW*
how much you would have done for her. It didn't happen the way it could
have, but that was only a small percentage that all would have gone well
- there was more of a chance that you would have put her in more pain.
*BELIEVE ME* she knows how much you loved her and she *WOULD NOT* want
you blaming yourself for what you thought was the right thing for her at
the time. The last step of grieving is "Acceptance" and I know you
haven't gotten there yet (I still haven't gotten there with Sammy and,
as I said, Bandit's memories still haunt me), but wallowing in guilt
(and this goes for myself as well) is not helping our departed loved
ones - if anything it's making them sad.

Let it go, forgive yourself for being human, let yourself know that it
was probably the right thing to do to let her go. Be in peace my
friend... help me be in peace - we can support each other in our grief.


--
Hugs,

CatNipped
See all our masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped

See the RPCA FAQ site, created by "Yowie", maintained by Mark Edwards, at:
http://www.professional-geek.net/rpcablog/

Email: L(dot)T(dot)Crews(at)comcast(dot)net

On Jul 16, 3:40*pm, CatNipped wrote:

You have to let it go - you *KNOW* how much you loved her, you *KNOW*
how much you would have done for her. *It didn't happen the way it could
have, but that was only a small percentage that all would have gone well
- there was more of a chance that you would have put her in more pain.
*BELIEVE ME* she knows how much you loved her and she *WOULD NOT* want
you blaming yourself for what you thought was the right thing for her at
the time. *

I know you're right my head knows I did the right thing, Dave's fine
with it-he says I wasn't here that afternoon so I can't know what she
was like in the last hour before he could contact me (I was on the
tube- signal delays would you believe it? Once again the tube shows
how well organised it really is- it only screws up when you really
need it not to- has to be planned in my opinion) when I got off the
tube and my phone connected again there were 20+ missed calls, his
theory is she died at home- there was still a shell but that's all I
took to the vet- her personality/soul was already on its way. In fact
he was stunned when I called him and said "She may bankrupt us but she
has a chance"- that's something I do regret- he'd said his farewells
and was resigned to losing her then I go and give him hope if I'd been
thinking straighter I'd have said something like "It doesn't look good
but depends on the blood tests I;m waiting for"

One odd consolation is the vet steered me to let her go- the practice
as I say wasn't my usual one (didn't impress me at all although many
friends use them but Jim the Gardener who swears by them when I said I
wasn't impressed before I said anything further said "I bet you got
that young female vet I won't have her- she knows her stuff but she's
not really good with people or animals"- what struck me was when I
tipped Dunzi out of the carrier she didn't stroke her or speak to
her) and their obsession with money was a bit off- okay they don't
know me but when we were considering the options and she mentioned
cost I ended up feeling like a young man in those Victorian melodramas
asking a girl's father for her hand in marriage I was sitting there
stroking Dunzi and explaining how much of a credit limit I have on my
cards/how big an overdraft I had/how much savings I had/how much money
Dave had etc so really money is not a problem- can we please get on
with helping her?! Well at least they didn't try to milk as much as
they could have so I think they knew she wouldn't make it even through
there was a hard sell on individual cremation and the vet started to
suggest I wasn't caring when I wasn't prepared to pay £150+ for it- as
I say the money has gone to sponsor some cats at my local shelter and
I'm covering a lot of the expenses for the Celia Hammond gig so the
money raised can go to them

No-one's blaming me but me. Hugh said if he'd been in the same
position with any of his cats- he would have made the same decision,
he also pointed out that it could have been both cancer and an
infection perhaps cancer weakened her immune system enough for an
infection that would have not normally taken hold to run riot- so I
could have carted her to the emergency clinic they could have operated
and found the cancer advanced enough to kill her even if they could
have cured the infection

I'm getting there a couple of bad moments- last night I was shooting
with my DSLR and getting an odd red effect when not using the flash so
to check whether it was the camera I took the same shot with a compact
(It's not the camera) and as I was about to switch it off I checked
whether there was anything on the card as I wanted to format it and
found a picture of the pair of them I'd forgotten I even took (I often
mess about with cameras it;s one of those things I do to relax) of
course if this were a fairy story there would be one last good picture
of her but in fact it's a picture of the pair of them and as usual
Dunzi was facing away from the camera- it was according to the date
stamp only taken 10 days before she left us but what you can see is a
beautiful shiny coated cat

And Friday I got my outfit for next weekend (which is sorta make or
break- it'll be the first time Sarsi has ever been on her own if she's
really upset and has wrecked the joint etc then we will have to
seriously consider a friend for her) the skirt is a masterpiece- the
photo on the website didn't do it justice it's black with a lace trim
and a tulle overskirt bounded with black satin ribbons tied to black
satin roses it is most magnicently Gothy and perhaps some people might
tell me to grow old gracefully and not wear things like that but I am
growing old disgracefully (and quite enjoying it) but I was showing it
to a friend and without thinking I said "The only problem is I am
wearing it with a dark t-shirt as my mother used to say when I wore
too much black it'll look like I'm mourning the cat"

I'll survive I just wish I didn't have to

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furball

Lesley wrote:

I'm getting there a couple of bad moments- last night I was shooting
with my DSLR and getting an odd red effect when not using the flash so
to check whether it was the camera I took the same shot with a compact
(It's not the camera) and as I was about to switch it off I checked
whether there was anything on the card as I wanted to format it and
found a picture of the pair of them I'd forgotten I even took (I often
mess about with cameras it;s one of those things I do to relax) of
course if this were a fairy story there would be one last good picture
of her but in fact it's a picture of the pair of them and as usual
Dunzi was facing away from the camera- it was according to the date
stamp only taken 10 days before she left us but what you can see is a
beautiful shiny coated cat

Cancer is a strange disease - it always amazes me when someone who
appears to be in excellent health is diagnosed with it. Of course, as
soon as they start the treatment, then they look terrible.

And Friday I got my outfit for next weekend (which is sorta make or
break- it'll be the first time Sarsi has ever been on her own if she's
really upset and has wrecked the joint etc then we will have to
seriously consider a friend for her) the skirt is a masterpiece- the
photo on the website didn't do it justice it's black with a lace trim
and a tulle overskirt bounded with black satin ribbons tied to black
satin roses it is most magnicently Gothy and perhaps some people might
tell me to grow old gracefully and not wear things like that but I am
growing old disgracefully (and quite enjoying it)

Pictures!!

Joyce

--
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. -- Unknown

(I don't especially agree with the first half of this statement, but the
second half is absolutely true.)

"Lesley" wrote in message
...
On Jul 16, 3:40 pm, CatNipped wrote:

You have to let it go - you *KNOW* how much you loved her, you *KNOW*
how much you would have done for her. It didn't happen the way it could
have, but that was only a small percentage that all would have gone well
- there was more of a chance that you would have put her in more pain.
*BELIEVE ME* she knows how much you loved her and she *WOULD NOT* want
you blaming yourself for what you thought was the right thing for her at
the time.

I know you're right my head knows I did the right thing, Dave's fine
with it-he says I wasn't here that afternoon so I can't know what she
was like in the last hour before he could contact me (I was on the
tube- signal delays would you believe it? Once again the tube shows
how well organised it really is- it only screws up when you really
need it not to- has to be planned in my opinion) when I got off the
tube and my phone connected again there were 20+ missed calls, his
theory is she died at home- there was still a shell but that's all I
took to the vet- her personality/soul was already on its way. In fact
he was stunned when I called him and said "She may bankrupt us but she
has a chance"- that's something I do regret- he'd said his farewells
and was resigned to losing her then I go and give him hope if I'd been
thinking straighter I'd have said something like "It doesn't look good
but depends on the blood tests I;m waiting for"

One odd consolation is the vet steered me to let her go- the practice
as I say wasn't my usual one (didn't impress me at all although many
friends use them but Jim the Gardener who swears by them when I said I
wasn't impressed before I said anything further said "I bet you got
that young female vet I won't have her- she knows her stuff but she's
not really good with people or animals"- what struck me was when I
tipped Dunzi out of the carrier she didn't stroke her or speak to
her) and their obsession with money was a bit off- okay they don't
know me but when we were considering the options and she mentioned
cost I ended up feeling like a young man in those Victorian melodramas
asking a girl's father for her hand in marriage I was sitting there
stroking Dunzi and explaining how much of a credit limit I have on my
cards/how big an overdraft I had/how much savings I had/how much money
Dave had etc so really money is not a problem- can we please get on
with helping her?! Well at least they didn't try to milk as much as
they could have so I think they knew she wouldn't make it even through
there was a hard sell on individual cremation and the vet started to
suggest I wasn't caring when I wasn't prepared to pay £150+ for it- as
I say the money has gone to sponsor some cats at my local shelter and
I'm covering a lot of the expenses for the Celia Hammond gig so the
money raised can go to them

No-one's blaming me but me. Hugh said if he'd been in the same
position with any of his cats- he would have made the same decision,
he also pointed out that it could have been both cancer and an
infection perhaps cancer weakened her immune system enough for an
infection that would have not normally taken hold to run riot- so I
could have carted her to the emergency clinic they could have operated
and found the cancer advanced enough to kill her even if they could
have cured the infection

I'm getting there a couple of bad moments- last night I was shooting
with my DSLR and getting an odd red effect when not using the flash so
to check whether it was the camera I took the same shot with a compact
(It's not the camera) and as I was about to switch it off I checked
whether there was anything on the card as I wanted to format it and
found a picture of the pair of them I'd forgotten I even took (I often
mess about with cameras it;s one of those things I do to relax) of
course if this were a fairy story there would be one last good picture
of her but in fact it's a picture of the pair of them and as usual
Dunzi was facing away from the camera- it was according to the date
stamp only taken 10 days before she left us but what you can see is a
beautiful shiny coated cat

And Friday I got my outfit for next weekend (which is sorta make or
break- it'll be the first time Sarsi has ever been on her own if she's
really upset and has wrecked the joint etc then we will have to
seriously consider a friend for her) the skirt is a masterpiece- the
photo on the website didn't do it justice it's black with a lace trim
and a tulle overskirt bounded with black satin ribbons tied to black
satin roses it is most magnicently Gothy and perhaps some people might
tell me to grow old gracefully and not wear things like that but I am
growing old disgracefully (and quite enjoying it) but I was showing it
to a friend and without thinking I said "The only problem is I am
wearing it with a dark t-shirt as my mother used to say when I wore
too much black it'll look like I'm mourning the cat"

I'll survive I just wish I didn't have to

Lesley

***

It's amazing how often we can know something with our head, but our heart
doesn't believe it. Even things that aren't important sometimes work that
way. This is totally off topic, but an example. I've visited Australia
several times, and I knew it was big (almost the same size as the
continental U.S.) and there was a lot of open space. That is, I knew it in
my head. Then, on one of my trips, I flew from Alice Springs, in the center
of the country, to Perth, on the east coast. There were no clouds, so I
could see the ground the whole time. That's exactly what I saw for 2 1/2
hours - ground; no buildings, not even any roads. Then I really *knew*
about all the open space. I hope the time comes when you can accept the
fact that it wasn't your fault.

In the meantime, I'm glad you're doing things you enjoy. It's nobody else's
business how you dress.

The bad times will get farther apart, and eventually you'll stop feeling
like your last sentence.

Joy