[OT] Seek opinions about a disagreement

On 03/04/2012 03:01 PM, jmcquown wrote:

"Judith Latham" wrote in message
...
In article ,
Bastette wrote:
Hey, I hope some of you guys might be willing to read this and give
me your opinions. A friend and I are having some words because she
sometimes does this behavior around me that I find hurtful. I've
asked her to stop, and she just refuses. Here's the situation:

[Snip]

(and more snip)

Any opinions? Who wants to play Ann Landers? (A syndicated advice
columnist.)

Thanks!

At least only your mind wanders. I fall asleep. I've done it at a meeting
at work and during conversations. I have a couple of friends (good
friends) who both talk a lot, so during conversations with them, I
tend to
just make the right (I hope) responses such as yes, no and other words to
show I'm listening but when it goes on for a while I tend to nod off. DH
calls it micro-sleeping. I do it when I'm watching films or tv but not
when it's interesting stuff. I am normally a figgitt, which over here
means I'm constantly fiddling with things and if I'm sitting still too
long I fall asleep. I once fell asleep while waiting for a bus, which was
a bit worrying as I was standing up and it was only when I swayed I woke
up and I was only eighteen years old. It seems I only do it when I'm
bored. maybe you're the same.

Wow! That almost sounds like narcolepsy. I've never personally met
anyone who fell asleep standing up. Years ago my eldest brother had a
roommate and my parents went to visit him. Brother cooked dinner and his
roommate was there. The roommate fell asleep sitting at the dinner
table. My mother called me, all worried about this guy maybe doing
drugs. My brother should have warned my parents. The guy had narcolepsy.
He'd fall asleep spontaneously, without warning, wherever he was. It's a
very strange disorder.

Jill

I met a young man with narcolepsy many, many years ago. As I
remember, this occurred after he had measles as a child.

I have fallen asleep at the "puter several times -- It was usually a
boring day. MLB

On 04/03/2012 8:36 PM, MLB wrote:


I met a young man with narcolepsy many, many years ago. As I remember,
this occurred after he had measles as a child.

I have fallen asleep at the "puter several times -- It was usually a
boring day. MLB

I knew someone with it, too. It was bad enough that he didn't want to
travel alone because he could fall asleep and miss connections etc.

Now, I find as I get older that I tend to doze off as soon as I sit down
and relax, whether it's on a bus or in church, although not usually in
front of the computer. I put that down to being overworked and
overtired. He (my long-ago acquaintance) fell asleep when he wasn't tired.

--
Cheryl

"Smokie Darling (Annie)" wrote in message
news:31929808.2597.1330879427464.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@yncc26...
On Saturday, March 3, 2012 9:50:01 PM UTC-7, Bastette wrote:
Hey, I hope some of you guys might be willing to read this and give
me your opinions. A friend and I are having some words because she
sometimes does this behavior around me that I find hurtful. I've
asked her to stop, and she just refuses. Here's the situation:

I've always had some difficulty focusing on things, such as when
someone is talking, or at a group gathering, watching a movie, etc.
The more emotionally involved I am in what's being said, the easier
it is for me to focus. So if someone's talking to me about a
critical problem and needs support, I'm pretty attentive and
present. But my mind tends to wander sometimes during more casual
conversation. If my mind is wandering during a movie, it's usually
at the very beginning, before I care about the story or the characters.
Once I'm hooked, my mind is much more engaged.

This is not something I know how control. My mind wanders without
my realizing it's wandering. Even when I make a concerted effort
to stay attentive, I will suddenly catch myself thinking about
something else. This used to happen a lot at work meetings. I
know that's not unusual! But it also happens with friends, especially
in groups.

I've gotten crap about this my whole life. Teachers were always
chiding me for "dreaming", which I admit, I did a lot of. For most
of my adult life I didn't have a huge problem with it, but lately,
probably due to Menopausal Brain Fog [TM], it's a little worse. I
also have a much worse memory, and I forget a lot of recent details.
I've forgotten entire conversations. At some point I realized that
these memories weren't actually *gone*, but were just harder to
retrieve, and with the right prompts, I can get it all back.

This friend had a hard time with my memory thing. She got upset and
angry when I forgot things she'd told me. I can understand feeling
that way if there's no good reason for it, but I kept trying to
explain that it was happening in all aspects of my life and I couldn't
control it. She had this attitude that I should "do something about
it" (like what?), and got pretty judgemental of me for not developing
memory strategies. (Was I supposed to take notes of all our
conversations?)
Once I realized I could remember most things if I just asked for a
refresher, it got a little better between us, but I'm still sensitive
about it due to the history of feeling blamed and judged.

Nowadays, if my mind wanders during a conversation (and I don't
catch myself at it so I can say, "sorry, my mind wandered, can you
repeat that?"), I will sometimes ask a question or make a comment
that shows I hadn't heard what she'd just said. And she always
says in a very pointed way, "I JUST TOLD you that!" It feels like
I'm being admonished. It just feels insensitive.

I do understand that it can be aggravating to have to repeat
yourself to someone frequently. Another friend of mine lives with
a hearing impaired guy and she is constantly having to repeat what
she says. I know I'd find that aggravating if I were in her shoes,
even knowing that it's not his fault.

Anyway, yesterday, I asked my friend to please stop making a big deal
out of the fact that she JUST TOLD me about it, because she knows
it's not my fault, and I try to be upfront if I notice I haven't
been listening for a few minutes. I understand that it can be
annoying for her, but I don't think she should take it out on me.
Call someone else and complain to them. Or find some other way to
express her stress to me, in a way that's clear she knows I can't
help it. The way she does it sounds like she doesn't really *believe*
I can't do anything about it - that she's not just annoyed with
the situation, she's annoyed with *me*.

So we're at an impasse - I feel like she should cut me more slack,
and she feels like she needs the "escape valve" of letting off steam
and showing me her annoyance, and has refused to change her responses.
That feels like she doesn't care about my feelings. How hard can it
be to act like she's frustrated by having to repeat things, but not
mad at me?

Any opinions? Who wants to play Ann Landers? (A syndicated advice
columnist.)

Thanks!

Is this happening during phone calls? That's the impression I'm getting.
Perhaps, if she read this, and understood that sometimes you just do *not*
get emotionally invested in yest *another* problem she's having... Okay,
bad idea.

For me... I'd say "brain fart" when she gets into her "I JUST SAID THAT"
mode. Tends to make people laugh (because they dont' know what to make of
it), and eases tension.

If she continues to berate you, then she isn't much of friend, is she?
She knows you find it hurtful, she knows it bothers you, and yet she does
it anyway.

My opinions only, not even worth the ether they printed on...


Smokie Darling (Annie)

On the other hand, she may not understand that you really can't help it.
She might find it hurtful that, from her point of view, you don't care
enough about what she is saying to pay attention.

Joy

"Cheryl" wrote in message ...

On 04/03/2012 8:36 PM, MLB wrote:


I met a young man with narcolepsy many, many years ago. As I remember,
this occurred after he had measles as a child.

I have fallen asleep at the "puter several times -- It was usually a
boring day. MLB

I knew someone with it, too. It was bad enough that he didn't want to
travel alone because he could fall asleep and miss connections etc.

Now, I find as I get older that I tend to doze off as soon as I sit down
and relax, whether it's on a bus or in church, although not usually in
front of the computer. I put that down to being overworked and
overtired. He (my long-ago acquaintance) fell asleep when he wasn't tired.

--
Cheryl


When my father got older (several years before he died), he began to fall
asleep in the chair when he was reading or watching TV. Then, a time came
when he was driving the car. My mother and I were in the car with him, and
both of us had fallen asleep (that's when I often fall asleep--when riding
as a passenger in the car, the motion puts me asleep). Suddenly, my father
pulled over to the side of the road and asked me to drive. He said he felt
himself nodding off while he was driving. He said he was not ever going to
drive again because he could have killed all of us--and he really did stick
to that promise. Either my mother or I drove after that, but he did not. I
have always been grateful that he made that decision himself. Many people
simply cannot face the fact that they need to give up driving privileges,
but he recognized it immediately.

MaryL

"Joy" wrote in message
...

"Smokie Darling (Annie)" wrote in message
news:31929808.2597.1330879427464.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@yncc26...

If she continues to berate you, then she isn't much of friend, is she? She
knows you find it hurtful, she knows it bothers you, and yet she does it
anyway.

My opinions only, not even worth the ether they printed on...


Smokie Darling (Annie)

On the other hand, she may not understand that you really can't help it.
She might find it hurtful that, from her point of view, you don't care
enough about what she is saying to pay attention.

Joy



That's how it sounds to me. Each one probably has difficulty understanding
the problem from the other's perspective, and they end up hurting each other
as a result.

MaryL

I frequently doze off while watching TV or on the internet. I don't
usually get sleepy while driving but if I do, I pull over, tilt the seat
back and take a short nap. When I wake up I am fine. When I am dozing
while the TV is on, Tiger often gets on the arm of the seat and touches
my face with his paw to let me know he wants to get on my lap.

---MIKE---

In the White Mountains of New Hampshire
(44� 15' N - Elevation 1580')

"---MIKE---" wrote in message
...

I frequently doze off while watching TV or on the internet. I don't
usually get sleepy while driving but if I do, I pull over, tilt the seat
back and take a short nap. When I wake up I am fine. When I am dozing
while the TV is on, Tiger often gets on the arm of the seat and touches
my face with his paw to let me know he wants to get on my lap.

---MIKE---


I have also pulled over for a short rest if I get sleepy while driving.
However, the difference for my father is that he suddenly nodded off, then
was brought back to wakefulness when his head fell forward. He did not have
"tiredness" or "sleepiness" as a forewarning; he just suddenly fell asleep.
That's when he decided that he should never drive again. He frequently
dozed off in his chair at home, but that was the first and only time that it
happened while he was driving.

MaryL

On 2012-03-05 12:04 PM, ---MIKE--- wrote:
I frequently doze off while watching TV or on the internet. I don't
usually get sleepy while driving but if I do, I pull over, tilt the seat
back and take a short nap. When I wake up I am fine. When I am dozing
while the TV is on, Tiger often gets on the arm of the seat and touches
my face with his paw to let me know he wants to get on my lap.

Sammy does that, too, when he thinks I'm not paying sufficient attention
to him, usually because I'm doing something of importance only to
humans. It's a very gentle little tap on my cheek.

On the other hand, he hasn't quite lost the habit of placing his paws on
my thigh when I'm sitting on a kitchen-style chair, and streeeeeeetching
himself out, simultaneously digging his claws into my slacks and of
course the flesh underneath. I've given him every encouragement to stop,
too, with loud screams of pain and pushing him away.

He's always been a cat who likes stretching and scratching, although he
rarely does so on the proper cat scratching posts. He prefers the
mattress on my bed and the piece of scrap plywood in the back porch
which is now kept there for that purchase, and a kind of plant stand
made of rough wood which I was going to get rid of, but he does like
scratching on it!

--
Cheryl

On 2012-03-05 12:15 PM, MaryL wrote:


"---MIKE---" wrote in message
...

I frequently doze off while watching TV or on the internet. I don't
usually get sleepy while driving but if I do, I pull over, tilt the seat
back and take a short nap. When I wake up I am fine. When I am dozing
while the TV is on, Tiger often gets on the arm of the seat and touches
my face with his paw to let me know he wants to get on my lap.

---MIKE---


I have also pulled over for a short rest if I get sleepy while driving.
However, the difference for my father is that he suddenly nodded off,
then was brought back to wakefulness when his head fell forward. He did
not have "tiredness" or "sleepiness" as a forewarning; he just suddenly
fell asleep. That's when he decided that he should never drive again. He
frequently dozed off in his chair at home, but that was the first and
only time that it happened while he was driving.

MaryL


I've had a relative and an elderly friend or two who were a terror to
their passengers sometimes, with their slowed reaction time, even
without sleepiness. Others seem to mainain their skills until well into
old age.

It's hard for people who have always driven to give it up, though,
particularly if they live alone or with a non-driver and in an area in
which a car is needed just to get to the store to buy a carton of milk.
Your father was wise to recognize when he needed to stop.

--
Cheryl

On Sunday, March 4, 2012 5:50:40 PM UTC-7, Joy wrote:
"Smokie Darling (Annie)" wrote in message
news:31929808.2597.1330879427464.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@yncc26...
On Saturday, March 3, 2012 9:50:01 PM UTC-7, Bastette wrote:
Hey, I hope some of you guys might be willing to read this and give
me your opinions. A friend and I are having some words because she
sometimes does this behavior around me that I find hurtful. I've
asked her to stop, and she just refuses. Here's the situation:

I've always had some difficulty focusing on things, such as when
someone is talking, or at a group gathering, watching a movie, etc.
The more emotionally involved I am in what's being said, the easier
it is for me to focus. So if someone's talking to me about a
critical problem and needs support, I'm pretty attentive and
present. But my mind tends to wander sometimes during more casual
conversation. If my mind is wandering during a movie, it's usually
at the very beginning, before I care about the story or the characters..
Once I'm hooked, my mind is much more engaged.

This is not something I know how control. My mind wanders without
my realizing it's wandering. Even when I make a concerted effort
to stay attentive, I will suddenly catch myself thinking about
something else. This used to happen a lot at work meetings. I
know that's not unusual! But it also happens with friends, especially
in groups.

I've gotten crap about this my whole life. Teachers were always
chiding me for "dreaming", which I admit, I did a lot of. For most
of my adult life I didn't have a huge problem with it, but lately,
probably due to Menopausal Brain Fog [TM], it's a little worse. I
also have a much worse memory, and I forget a lot of recent details.
I've forgotten entire conversations. At some point I realized that
these memories weren't actually *gone*, but were just harder to
retrieve, and with the right prompts, I can get it all back.

This friend had a hard time with my memory thing. She got upset and
angry when I forgot things she'd told me. I can understand feeling
that way if there's no good reason for it, but I kept trying to
explain that it was happening in all aspects of my life and I couldn't
control it. She had this attitude that I should "do something about
it" (like what?), and got pretty judgemental of me for not developing
memory strategies. (Was I supposed to take notes of all our
conversations?)
Once I realized I could remember most things if I just asked for a
refresher, it got a little better between us, but I'm still sensitive
about it due to the history of feeling blamed and judged.

Nowadays, if my mind wanders during a conversation (and I don't
catch myself at it so I can say, "sorry, my mind wandered, can you
repeat that?"), I will sometimes ask a question or make a comment
that shows I hadn't heard what she'd just said. And she always
says in a very pointed way, "I JUST TOLD you that!" It feels like
I'm being admonished. It just feels insensitive.

I do understand that it can be aggravating to have to repeat
yourself to someone frequently. Another friend of mine lives with
a hearing impaired guy and she is constantly having to repeat what
she says. I know I'd find that aggravating if I were in her shoes,
even knowing that it's not his fault.

Anyway, yesterday, I asked my friend to please stop making a big deal
out of the fact that she JUST TOLD me about it, because she knows
it's not my fault, and I try to be upfront if I notice I haven't
been listening for a few minutes. I understand that it can be
annoying for her, but I don't think she should take it out on me.
Call someone else and complain to them. Or find some other way to
express her stress to me, in a way that's clear she knows I can't
help it. The way she does it sounds like she doesn't really *believe*
I can't do anything about it - that she's not just annoyed with
the situation, she's annoyed with *me*.

So we're at an impasse - I feel like she should cut me more slack,
and she feels like she needs the "escape valve" of letting off steam
and showing me her annoyance, and has refused to change her responses.
That feels like she doesn't care about my feelings. How hard can it
be to act like she's frustrated by having to repeat things, but not
mad at me?

Any opinions? Who wants to play Ann Landers? (A syndicated advice
columnist.)

Thanks!

Is this happening during phone calls? That's the impression I'm getting.
Perhaps, if she read this, and understood that sometimes you just do *not*
get emotionally invested in yest *another* problem she's having... Okay,
bad idea.

For me... I'd say "brain fart" when she gets into her "I JUST SAID THAT"
mode. Tends to make people laugh (because they dont' know what to make of
it), and eases tension.

If she continues to berate you, then she isn't much of friend, is she?
She knows you find it hurtful, she knows it bothers you, and yet she does
it anyway.

My opinions only, not even worth the ether they printed on...


Smokie Darling (Annie)

On the other hand, she may not understand that you really can't help it.
She might find it hurtful that, from her point of view, you don't care
enough about what she is saying to pay attention.

Joy

Which is why I said that the first idea was not a good one.

The "Brain Fart" idea might be more helpful. It at least reminds her, in a less "mean" fashion, that you have issues with staying engaged (with anything).

I *had* one friend like this, except she always bitched because I wouldn't go hiking/camping with her anymore. You know, forget the fact that I can't walk somedays, and I don't know which days those are. Forget that I'm disabled, and will be disabled for the rest of my life (even they could *cure* RA, they can't fix all the damage). We aren't friends anymore. By my choice.