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#11
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"Sick" day
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#12
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"Sick" day
Cheryl wrote:
what I've found is that I need is to take care of myself and to not expect more of my friends than they want to/can give. If I enjoy someone's company while we're both doing some activity we enjoy, I accept that with pleasure and remind myself it doesn't have to - and probably won't - evolve into a lifelong intimate friendship. Those are rare. There are other enjoyable types of friendship. I have to go looking for them, though - get out of the house and do things I enjoy even when I feel shy and tired and not up to meeting new people. Your situation and personality sound very different from mine. I can see that this kind of thing works for you, but you should know that I *have been doing all of these things*, and they aren't improving my situation. You are an individualist, kind of at the extreme end of the scale measuring individualism vs. community orientation. I'm more in the middle of that scale, and it's possible that I need more from others than you do. I'm not fond of the worldview that people are isolated little islands that may or may not be connected with each other. To me, human social society is a bit more complex and messy than that. By "messy" I mean that it can't all be summed up in a few simple rules. I also believe that there is an entity called "community" which is more than just a collection of individuals. Emergent properties, and all that. I know you don't agree with that. That's OK, I'm not trying to start a philosophical debate. Those are just my values, and given that they're my values, I don't think a position of self-containment is appropriate for me. Choosing at least some activities that actively help others is also good for the mood and for meeting like-minded new people. Well, I've certainly done those things, but I never meet like-minded people. Example: I love cats. You'd think that if I did volunteer work to help cats, I'd meet lots of kindred spirits, but I found the reverse to be true. I found th people to be really unfriendly and not pleasant to work with. It was certainly sweet taking care of the baby kittens, though. I have no spouse or children, and my extended family is getting steadily smaller as people age and die (and the ones I still have much contact with don't have children, so my extended family doesn't really extend to the next generation), but I don't worry much about dying or living alone. Again, it sounds like you are more suited to a solitary life than I am. (One size doesn't fit all!) I'm naturally somewhat extroverted. I know that sounds funny considering that I spend a lot of time holed up in my fortress- er, apartment, but I really don't trust people. I'm an extrovert with severe trust issues. I need a lot of social contact, but I don't like it. No one knows how they're going to die. I might get run over crossing the street today, and I won't have time to worry about who is going to nurse me in my last illness! Well, that's certainly a good point. However, you might not die today, so you'd better pay your bills just in case. And it's good to have a plan for the future in place, because you just might live to be 85 and infirm! And as we all know, having a spouse and children is no guarantee that they'll be around if I become old and sick. Another good point. Ain't it the truth? I thought I was going to grow old with my ex-partner. And that's not exactly an uncommon story. They might die before me, or become estranged (I could tell you a story or two!). Or one or more of them might outlive me, but be so sick or disabled themselves that I would need to care for them - and die in terrible anxiety about who will take care of them afterwards! There are much worse things than dying in some hospital bed with no one around other than the staff. I think it's pretty sad to die alone without loved ones around, but you're right that we don't all get to do that. I mean, people die in car accidents all by themselves on some lonely road. Someone with a huge loving family, and a great community and lots of friends could still die of a heart attack while on a hike alone. I get that. I think that's different, though, from dying alone because you don't *have* anyone who loves you. But that isn't even my main worry. My main worry is being in some horrible state-run nursing home, "cared for" by minimum-wage teenagers who don't give a s***. Whatever happens, I'm not going to end up in a posh care facility with well-trained professional care-givers and a high staff-to- patient ratio. I will be dependent on government benefits - which, by the way, I have worked for and paid into *for my entire life* - that are getting more and more draconian by the minute. Essentially, my government has just said to me, "It's not our responsibility to care for you when you can't care for yourself. That's your loved ones' job. Oh, you don't have loved ones to care for you? Sucks to be you!" Joyce -- Beauty and music seduce us first; later, ashamed of our own sensuality, we insist on meaning. -- Clive Barker |
#14
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"Sick" day
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#15
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"Sick" day
"jmcquown" wrote in message ... "CatNipped" wrote in message ... On 8/3/2011 5:16 PM, wrote: This is a combination of some things I wrote to a couple of friends today. I thought I'd reach out here, too. I'm home "sick" today. I guess you could call it a mental health day, although it feels more like a mental illness day to me. I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have much energy, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. But mostly I just feel very alone. I'm really scared about getting old and disabled and not having anyone to take care of me. Apparently, it's a crime to be too damaged to be able to form and keep close relationships. If you don't have a partner, or kids, or an extended family, or a circle of loving friends, I guess you can just go die in the street. I don't need sympathy so much as I need people who simply enjoy hanging out with me, whether in person or via the intertubes. I come home each night to voicemails from 800 numbers, and I log on every morning to a bunch of stupid notices about what some total stranger did on LinkedIn or Facebook - my "social" networks that are really so impersonal. Am I that much of a drag to be around? What have I done to cause this? Or not done? (Not rhetorical - answer if you wish.) Joyce I feel like I know you a bit, having corresponded with you over the years here in this group. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I believe you had a very troubled childhood. I did too, but not in the same manner (just the opposite, I think, my mother was very distant and cold, emotionally, my brothers were a lot older than me and I was alone a lot). I didn't know *how* to make friends. There was just one friend who sort of latched onto me, and because I didn't have any other friends, we stayed friends all these years until recently because I would forgive her anything rather than be friendless. She was extremely toxic for me and when I look back at it she was probably the reason my life turned out as bad as it did compared to my other relatives. Anyway, I'm getting at two points. First, making friends does not come naturally to some people - especially we who had "abnormal" childhoods. Second, you're not alone - there are a lot of us who have only "online friends". And even though I have children, I can't rely on them to take care of me when I get old and feeble - I just hope social security pays for a decent nursing home! -- Hugs, CatNipped Um... I don't know what your Social Security benefits will amount to but I can tell you this: Medicare doesn't cover nursing homes (not even a small portion). Jill For my Dad, medicare paid for the first 100 days of nursing home care. After that, he was 100% responsible. Had he lived long enough to spend himself broke, Medicaid (?) would have then picked back up the cost at 100%. After they picked up the cost they would have then put a lien on any of his real estate holdings/house. We would have had to sell to satisfy the medicare lien. IIRC they allow you to have only a paltry amount in savings, enough to cover your funeral and burial. No one in America AFIK, is refused nursing home care because of inability to pay. Sherry |
#16
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"Sick" day
"Sherry" wrote in message ... "jmcquown" wrote in message ... "CatNipped" wrote in message ... On 8/3/2011 5:16 PM, wrote: This is a combination of some things I wrote to a couple of friends today. I thought I'd reach out here, too. I'm home "sick" today. I guess you could call it a mental health day, although it feels more like a mental illness day to me. I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have much energy, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. But mostly I just feel very alone. I'm really scared about getting old and disabled and not having anyone to take care of me. Apparently, it's a crime to be too damaged to be able to form and keep close relationships. If you don't have a partner, or kids, or an extended family, or a circle of loving friends, I guess you can just go die in the street. I don't need sympathy so much as I need people who simply enjoy hanging out with me, whether in person or via the intertubes. I come home each night to voicemails from 800 numbers, and I log on every morning to a bunch of stupid notices about what some total stranger did on LinkedIn or Facebook - my "social" networks that are really so impersonal. Am I that much of a drag to be around? What have I done to cause this? Or not done? (Not rhetorical - answer if you wish.) Joyce I feel like I know you a bit, having corresponded with you over the years here in this group. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I believe you had a very troubled childhood. I did too, but not in the same manner (just the opposite, I think, my mother was very distant and cold, emotionally, my brothers were a lot older than me and I was alone a lot). I didn't know *how* to make friends. There was just one friend who sort of latched onto me, and because I didn't have any other friends, we stayed friends all these years until recently because I would forgive her anything rather than be friendless. She was extremely toxic for me and when I look back at it she was probably the reason my life turned out as bad as it did compared to my other relatives. Anyway, I'm getting at two points. First, making friends does not come naturally to some people - especially we who had "abnormal" childhoods. Second, you're not alone - there are a lot of us who have only "online friends". And even though I have children, I can't rely on them to take care of me when I get old and feeble - I just hope social security pays for a decent nursing home! -- Hugs, CatNipped Um... I don't know what your Social Security benefits will amount to but I can tell you this: Medicare doesn't cover nursing homes (not even a small portion). Jill For my Dad, medicare paid for the first 100 days of nursing home care. After that, he was 100% responsible. Had he lived long enough to spend himself broke, Medicaid (?) would have then picked back up the cost at 100%. After they picked up the cost they would have then put a lien on any of his real estate holdings/house. We would have had to sell to satisfy the medicare lien. IIRC they allow you to have only a paltry amount in savings, enough to cover your funeral and burial. No one in America AFIK, is refused nursing home care because of inability to pay. Sherry Not refused. Simply that it's made extremely difficult. I'd forgotten about the first 100 days thing. I don't know what the SSA is thinking calling that a funeral expense "benefit". Even though my father was buried at the National Cemetery with full military honors so neither he nor my mother had to pay for the plot or the bronze plaques. But she still had to pay for the cremation, the urn, and the services of the funeral director. $255 is a "benefit"? It's a joke. Sorry, not trying to be moribund. On August 3rd my father would have been 86. It made me reflect on a few things. Jill |
#17
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"Sick" day
Sherry wrote:
No one in America AFIK, is refused nursing home care because of inability to pay. That might be so (I don't know), but the kind of nursing home that an indigent person would end up in is pretty frightening. Makes me shudder. I'm certainly not indigent now, but I have no idea what my finances will look like if and when I need a nursing home. Especially if I have to advocate for myself and I'm not exactly at the top of my game, mentally. Joyce -- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. -- Unknown |
#18
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"Sick" day
"jmcquown" wrote in message ... Not refused. Simply that it's made extremely difficult. I'd forgotten about the first 100 days thing. I don't know what the SSA is thinking calling that a funeral expense "benefit". Even though my father was buried at the National Cemetery with full military honors so neither he nor my mother had to pay for the plot or the bronze plaques. But she still had to pay for the cremation, the urn, and the services of the funeral director. $255 is a "benefit"? It's a joke. Sorry, not trying to be moribund. On August 3rd my father would have been 86. It made me reflect on a few things. Jill My dad passed away Aug. 20, so I've also been reflecting on a few things. My dad was relatively healthy, and had bad complications from what was supposed to be a simple endograph aorta repair surgery. I always feel guilty that we didn't do more, but he *wanted* to go to nursing care. I know it's because he didn't want to be a burden on us. Sherry |
#19
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"Sick" day
"Sherry" wrote in message
... "jmcquown" wrote in message ... Not refused. Simply that it's made extremely difficult. I'd forgotten about the first 100 days thing. I don't know what the SSA is thinking calling that a funeral expense "benefit". Even though my father was buried at the National Cemetery with full military honors so neither he nor my mother had to pay for the plot or the bronze plaques. But she still had to pay for the cremation, the urn, and the services of the funeral director. $255 is a "benefit"? It's a joke. Sorry, not trying to be moribund. On August 3rd my father would have been 86. It made me reflect on a few things. Jill My dad passed away Aug. 20, so I've also been reflecting on a few things. My dad was relatively healthy, and had bad complications from what was supposed to be a simple endograph aorta repair surgery. I always feel guilty that we didn't do more, but he *wanted* to go to nursing care. I know it's because he didn't want to be a burden on us. Sherry It seems to me that when we lose a loved one, we always find some reason to feel guilty. Maybe the real reason is simply that we feel guilty about being alive when the loved one isn't, but we have to rationalize it. I'm sorry for your loss. Joy |
#20
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"Sick" day
I get exactly where you're coming from... I have a deep need to feel
loved and cared for and wanted - it's wired into almost everyone. But I have the social skills of a grapefruit. That's partly hereditary/environmental (I'm very like my mother in a lot of ways), and mostly learned at a very young age, from the people who bullied me and who taught me that I had no value except as a scapegoat, that I would never be acceptable to society no matter what I did, and that my intelligence, creativity, compassion, and abilities were totally useless. I learned that nobody really cared about me, that drawing attention to myself in any way was a Bad Thing, and that the best I could hope for in life was to be totally ignored. So it's not surprising that my social skills suck and I'm hypersensitive to rejection. When something goes wrong around me, it somehow magically becomes my fault, like I could or should have done something to prevent catastrophe. I expect to be ignored, so I'm super-tentative about doing anything that might put myself forward, and I'm super-easily chased back into my cave. I've spent the last 20 years trying to overcome the legacy of the first 20... and it's definitely going to be a lifelong job. The upshot of all this is that I have no friends apart from my husband, and since I left my entire family behind to come here and I wasn't close to anyone except my parents and brother anyway, my husband is older than me and he's abused his health for decades, he's not close to his family either, and we can't have children, one day it will just be me. That's incredibly depressing and terrifying if I stop to think about it, but I just have to trust God to look after me. I've found a place where I can feel like I belong in my church, and while I'm not really close to anyone there, I know that it is a church full of loving compassionate people that puts effort into caring for its members, and if it IS just frail little old me one day, I won't be alone... |
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