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Cat Ejection Back Pack
Just for fun ....
THE CAT EJECTION PACK --------------------- Cat owners - protect your beloved pet from the dangers of urban life: huge, vicious dogs; fast-moving cars and irate homeowners brandishing super-soakers. Non cat-lovers - you will also love the CatPak: just yell at an intruding CatPak-equipped cat and the startled kitty will be hoisted off your flower beds! The CatPak combines a cat ejection pack with a parachute. The lightweight unit is mounted on the cat's back by a harness that boasts an array of sophisticated sensors. Not only does it detect the approach of dangerous vehicles and high-velocity water (don't worry! It can tell the difference between rain and super-soakers!), its range of physiological sensors will detect the cat's mood. When the cat is startled, for instance by a dog or a yelling neighbor, an on-board micro-controller activates the escape mechanism. The ejection pack hoists Kitty airborne, out of harm's way and provides a charming aerial view as Kitty is gently parachuted back to terra firma. A homing device communicates with a GPS system (recommended mounted on the cat flap) or alternatively the owner can remotely steer the canopy so that Kitty lands right in the owner's lap, looking vaguely guilty about some indiscretion in next-door's vegetable patch. Alternatively, the owner can drive around the neighborhood and give Kitty an aerial tour of the territory, parascending style. For the safety of all cats everywhere, CatPak units will one day be made compulsory. Cats venturing outdoors without a CatPak will risk being devoured by slavering dogs or run over. CatPak anticipate that only the flight-enabled cats will be survive and that evolution will ensure that cats will refuse to go outdoors until their CatPak is in place and armed. Sporting cat-lovers take note - this could also put a new dimension on cats hunting birds - sparrows will no longer fly safely at 20 ft altitude: Bang! Whoosh! Chomp! TECHNICAL DETAILS ----------------- On feline startlement, a spring flips out a small three-nozzle solid-fuel rocket on the end of a five meter tensile line; long enough that jet-wash is cool by the time it reaches the cat dangling below. Gyroscopes ensure the cat is spin-stabilised and reduce the tendency of the cat to swing like a pendulum. The rocket sustains a 2g acceleration for 5 seconds, getting Kitty to a safe altitude before ejecting the rocket and deploying the steerable canopy. The state-of-the-art GPS system steers the dangling cat back over its home territory. When the cat has descended to the dizzying altitude of one meter, the harness clips release automatically, dropping Kitty gently onto its paws. 2g for 5 seconds provides about 250 meters; the rocket size must match the weight of the cat. The steerable canopy can achieve a 5 degree glideslope. The last 20 meters descent must be near-vertical to avoid obstructions, then that gives you a lateral range of about 2.5 kilometers in still air - ample to bring home any wandering pet. A remote control trigger allows the CatPak to be used as a retrieval device for late night wandering cats. The marine version incorporates a claw-proof inflatable raft that intercepts the cat before its paws touch water NOTE ---- The CatPak is not designed for use indoors, or in road vehicles. Do not use remote trigger while Kitty is feigning hunger in a neighbor's home. The consequences of over-excited cats triggering the CatPak while mating makes the CatPak unsuitable for unneutered felines. There has been no research so far into the effects of cats launching from a mid-road sunbathing position in front of a startled car driver. CatPak Inc cannot be held responsible for any heart attacks caused to humans if ejector pack is unexpectedly deployed. CatPak cannot be held responsible if the startled Kitty voids bodily waste while airborne. Kitty should be trained in the use of the rocket pack and steerable canopy before CatPak is used unaided. |
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On Thu, 02 Dec 2004 17:26:56 +0000, The Greebling wrote:
Just for fun .... THE CAT EJECTION PACK --------------------- Cat owners - protect your beloved pet from the dangers of urban life: huge, vicious dogs; fast-moving cars and irate homeowners brandishing super-soakers. Non cat-lovers - you will also love the CatPak: just yell at an intruding CatPak-equipped cat and the startled kitty will be hoisted off your flower beds! The CatPak combines a cat ejection pack with a parachute. The lightweight unit is mounted on the cat's back by a harness that boasts an array of sophisticated sensors. Not only does it detect the approach of dangerous vehicles and high-velocity water (don't worry! It can tell the difference between rain and super-soakers!), its range of physiological sensors will detect the cat's mood. When the cat is startled, for instance by a dog or a yelling neighbor, an on-board micro-controller activates the escape mechanism. The ejection pack hoists Kitty airborne, out of harm's way and provides a charming aerial view as Kitty is gently parachuted back to terra firma. A homing device communicates with a GPS system (recommended mounted on the cat flap) or alternatively the owner can remotely steer the canopy so that Kitty lands right in the owner's lap, looking vaguely guilty about some indiscretion in next-door's vegetable patch. Alternatively, the owner can drive around the neighborhood and give Kitty an aerial tour of the territory, parascending style. For the safety of all cats everywhere, CatPak units will one day be made compulsory. Cats venturing outdoors without a CatPak will risk being devoured by slavering dogs or run over. CatPak anticipate that only the flight-enabled cats will be survive and that evolution will ensure that cats will refuse to go outdoors until their CatPak is in place and armed. Sporting cat-lovers take note - this could also put a new dimension on cats hunting birds - sparrows will no longer fly safely at 20 ft altitude: Bang! Whoosh! Chomp! TECHNICAL DETAILS ----------------- On feline startlement, a spring flips out a small three-nozzle solid-fuel rocket on the end of a five meter tensile line; long enough that jet-wash is cool by the time it reaches the cat dangling below. Gyroscopes ensure the cat is spin-stabilised and reduce the tendency of the cat to swing like a pendulum. The rocket sustains a 2g acceleration for 5 seconds, getting Kitty to a safe altitude before ejecting the rocket and deploying the steerable canopy. The state-of-the-art GPS system steers the dangling cat back over its home territory. When the cat has descended to the dizzying altitude of one meter, the harness clips release automatically, dropping Kitty gently onto its paws. 2g for 5 seconds provides about 250 meters; the rocket size must match the weight of the cat. The steerable canopy can achieve a 5 degree glideslope. The last 20 meters descent must be near-vertical to avoid obstructions, then that gives you a lateral range of about 2.5 kilometers in still air - ample to bring home any wandering pet. A remote control trigger allows the CatPak to be used as a retrieval device for late night wandering cats. The marine version incorporates a claw-proof inflatable raft that intercepts the cat before its paws touch water NOTE ---- The CatPak is not designed for use indoors, or in road vehicles. Do not use remote trigger while Kitty is feigning hunger in a neighbor's home. The consequences of over-excited cats triggering the CatPak while mating makes the CatPak unsuitable for unneutered felines. There has been no research so far into the effects of cats launching from a mid-road sunbathing position in front of a startled car driver. CatPak Inc cannot be held responsible for any heart attacks caused to humans if ejector pack is unexpectedly deployed. CatPak cannot be held responsible if the startled Kitty voids bodily waste while airborne. Kitty should be trained in the use of the rocket pack and steerable canopy before CatPak is used unaided. What an imagination. Do you have any other inventions? |
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