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#1
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or
after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave The Gift I bought something really cool for Dot. The occasion was our 30 something anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. Easy to use, you simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out {way too cool!}. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions - maps either, it's a guy thing), I found that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs what I was so looking forward to. So I did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, but I have yet to explain to Myra what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Arnold looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Arnold for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Myra to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time? So! there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses per ched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The thing said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone (Arnold looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy,)" thinking that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) So I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Note: You know, a bad decision in like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that? I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Arnold was standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" *(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself, you're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em. Sure would like to get 'em back. |
#2
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
"Dave Gerecke" wrote in message
. .. Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave Oh my gasp goodness wheeze..... ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!! Yowie |
#3
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
"Yowie" wrote "Dave Gerecke" wrote in message . .. Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave Oh my gasp goodness wheeze..... ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!! Yowie WOT SHE SAID ONLY BIGGER!!!!! Thanks (& Mucho kudos for not experimenting on the d-pet) Gordon & the FF |
#4
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
In article , Yowie
wrote: "Dave Gerecke" wrote in message . .. Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave Oh my gasp goodness wheeze..... ROFLMAOWTIMEPIMP!!!!!! Yowie Have I redeemed myself? dave |
#5
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
No cluons were harmed when Dave Gerecke wrote:
[great tazer story] oh my gosh! Somebody *please* submit this to alt.humor.best-of-usenet! Dave, you're a wildman (grin). Hugs and Purrs, Mark -- Proof of Sanity Forged Upon Request |
#6
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
On Wed, 09 Nov 2005 00:28:51 +1100, Dave Gerecke
wrote: Have I redeemed myself? In spades!!!! Jeanne |
#7
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
"Mark Edwards" wrote in message ... No cluons were harmed when Dave Gerecke wrote: [great tazer story] oh my gosh! Somebody *please* submit this to alt.humor.best-of-usenet! I agree, I just lurk for good cat stories and advise and I get this...that was FUNNYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! *wipes tears* Dave, you're a wildman (grin). Hugs and Purrs, Mark -- Proof of Sanity Forged Upon Request |
#8
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
Dave Gerecke wrote in message . .. Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave The Gift *cries laughing* Dave, I'm so glad you're back. Jeanette |
#9
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
Dave Gerecke wrote:
Ok, I'm giving you one last warning. If something happens while or after you've read this, it's not my fault....You're gonna love it...Dave The Gift I bought something really cool for Dot. The occasion was our 30 something anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. Easy to use, you simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-necked geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out {way too cool!}. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions - maps either, it's a guy thing), I found that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs what I was so looking forward to. So I did. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, but I have yet to explain to Myra what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Arnold looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Arnold for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Myra to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time? So! there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses per ched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The thing said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient the assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy bitsy, triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone (Arnold looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy,)" thinking that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) So I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Note: You know, a bad decision in like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that? I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Arnold was standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!" *(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself, you're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em. Sure would like to get 'em back. ROTFLPMP!!! He's back. :-) -- Adrian (Owned by Snoopy and Bagheera) A House is not a home, without a cat. http://community.webshots.com/user/clowderuk |
#10
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The Gift C&C!!! You are warned
Dave you almost caused me to swallow my tongue from laughing so hard
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