OT (mostly, until you get to the last 2 paragraphs) - Letter to a cable company

got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my behind waiting
for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening
to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
woman telling me to look at your helpful website.. how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing solitaire for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such
as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my
modem arrived.

A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for
it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%.
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are
it seems also highly skilled malarky jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or
not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman), and several other variations on this
theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important solitaire to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's
far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than
to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were horrible, that they had attained the holy pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
of jerks you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
intestine - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - jerks
though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy
puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do
likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically
failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced
by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of jerks.
----------------------------

--
^..^ This is Kitty. Copy and paste Kitty into your signature to help
her
wipe out Bunny's world domination.
--
The ONE and ONLY
lefthanded-pathetic-paranoid-psychotic-sarcastic-wiseass-ditzy
former-blonde
in Bloomington! (And proud of it, too)©
email me at nalee1964 (at) comcast (dot) net
http://community.webshots.com/user/mgcmdjeep

Magic Mood Jeep wrote:

got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

[snip for bandwidth conservation]

I think "email from crazy person" is a bit of a misnomer in this
case - he/she sounds perfectly lucid to me. Well, OK, maybe s/he
took the whole concept of "sending litterbox scoopings" a bit too
literally. And maybe some of the people who send emails are "crazy
people" because they have been *driven* crazy. I started to get a
bit stressed out myself, reading that letter. Been there, done that
a few too many times.

Joyce

--
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

"Magic Mood Jeep" wrote in message
...
got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

Okay, that's funny But does anyone actually send litter box offerings
to people who annoy them?

Comcast called me a couple of weeks ago. It was a technician asking what
time it would be convenient to check on my internet problems. Um, I'm not
having a problem. He said, "But you called us." No, I didn't; everything
is working fine. Well someone said you were having a problem. Maybe
Persia's been using the phone again. (laugh)

BTW, since when does the cable company care if it's convenient what time
they show up?

Jill

jmcquown wrote:
"Magic Mood Jeep" wrote in message
...
got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

Okay, that's funny But does anyone actually send litter box
offerings to people who annoy them?

Comcast called me a couple of weeks ago. It was a technician asking
what time it would be convenient to check on my internet problems. Um,
I'm not having a problem. He said, "But you called us." No, I didn't;
everything is working fine. Well someone said you were having a
problem. Maybe Persia's been using the phone again. (laugh)

BTW, since when does the cable company care if it's convenient what time
they show up?

Jill

"Between eight A. M. and five P.M." seems to be pretty standard for any
sort of service person in this part of the country. (And then you're
often lucky when they actually show up.)

In m,
EvelynVogtGamble(Divamanque) typed:
jmcquown wrote:
"Magic Mood Jeep" wrote in message
...
got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

Okay, that's funny But does anyone actually send litter box
offerings to people who annoy them?

Comcast called me a couple of weeks ago. It was a technician asking
what time it would be convenient to check on my internet problems. Um,
I'm not having a problem. He said, "But you called us." No, I
didn't; everything is working fine. Well someone said you were
having a problem. Maybe Persia's been using the phone again. (laugh)

BTW, since when does the cable company care if it's convenient what
time they show up?

Jill

"Between eight A. M. and five P.M." seems to be pretty standard for
any sort of service person in this part of the country. (And then
you're often lucky when they actually show up.)

In that case, three cheers for the NRMA (the break-down service for cars in
my state) - they will call your mobile phone about 15 minutes before they
turn up, so that you can get back to your car from wherever you have chosen
to sit it out. And I must say that their estimates on how long it will take
before they actually show up have been pretty good - within half an hour. If
you have locked a child or pet in the car they will come out *straight
away*.

Other service companies (of all types) ranging from OK to about as good as
the original letter :-)

Yowie

"jmcquown" wrote in message
...
"Magic Mood Jeep" wrote in message
...
got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

Okay, that's funny But does anyone actually send litter box offerings
to people who annoy them?

Comcast called me a couple of weeks ago. It was a technician asking what
time it would be convenient to check on my internet problems. Um, I'm not
having a problem. He said, "But you called us." No, I didn't; everything
is working fine. Well someone said you were having a problem. Maybe
Persia's been using the phone again. (laugh)

BTW, since when does the cable company care if it's convenient what time
they show up?


This is a refinement to their usual service. In this case, you settle on a
time, and then they don't show up.


--
Theresa and Dante

Stinky Forever: http://pets.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh

Kreisleriana wrote:

"jmcquown" wrote in message
...
"Magic Mood Jeep" wrote in message
...
got this from http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/
-----------------------------
Dear Cretins;

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt

Okay, that's funny But does anyone actually send litter box
offerings to people who annoy them?

Comcast called me a couple of weeks ago. It was a technician asking
what time it would be convenient to check on my internet problems.
Um, I'm not having a problem. He said, "But you called us." No, I
didn't; everything is working fine. Well someone said you were having
a problem. Maybe Persia's been using the phone again. (laugh)

BTW, since when does the cable company care if it's convenient what
time they show up?


This is a refinement to their usual service. In this case, you settle
on a time, and then they don't show up.


Outsourcing offices doesn't help. Years ago, you could call the local
branch of a company and the person answering the phone could tell you
'Joe just left with the truck. He'll probably be at your street by
noon'. Now you get someone in a distant city who doesn't even know what
city your street is in, much less whether Joe has started his rounds or
how quickly he's likely to get through them.

OTOH, not all service in the past was good. I remember one bus driver
who, I figured out eventually, was saying 'It'll be along in a minute'
to all queries, including ones about a bus that didn't run at all after
6:00 PM. Nowadays, anyone can find out exactly where any bus is at any
minute. Well, with an Internet connection, or a least a phone or radio
link to their main office, neither of which I generally have when
waiting for a bus, but they do try.

Cheryl

On Aug 29, 12:16*pm, hopitus wrote:

Phone idiots...My personal recent favourite was the swine flu hotline-
beleve it or not this is the exact start to the conversation(it will
be etched on my memory until the day I die)

I'd called because we both had suspected swine flu so...

"Are you the person with the symptoms?"
"Yes"
"Okay I need to ask you some questions to make sure it's not something
else is that okay?"
"Ask away" (I didn't expect them to identify the problem by vibrations
coming down the phone line or their psychic abilities after all)
"Are you conscious?"

I almost said no- it's on par with the letter from my GP that said as
I hadn't been into the surgery for a while would I please confirm that
I hadn't moved from the area or died? I did go in and say "I have
died but I haven't left the area so I'd like to stay on your books"
and the receptionist simply said "Okay" perhaps there are really
zombies in East London?


But my all time favourite was with a ticket officer I'd ordered an
annual from Euston Road station to start the next day so I went to
collect it, all well and good until the ticket guy said "Before I can
give you your new ticket I'll have to have the old one "
Me: "But this ticket is still valid until midnight the new one doesn't
start until tomorrow morning"
Ticket guy: "I cannot issue you with the new ticket until you hand the
old one in"
Me "But I need to use this ticket to get home tonight and then I'll
use the new one tomorrow!
Ticket guy: "I cannot issue your new ticket until you give me the old
one"
Me "Why not?"
Ticket guy "Because you might use the out of date ticket tomorrow to
travel fradulently"
Me "I've just handed over rather a large sum of money to buy a valid
ticket from tomorrow and you think I might travel on the out of date
ticket tomorrow even through I just brought a perfectly good ticket
for tomorrow!"

I had to ask to speak to the supervisor to get it solved.

Another one was the time I dropped my cheque card in the bank and a
woman in high heels stood on it and it shattered so I sent all the
bits to my bank with a covering letter and they got very nasty because
I hadn't picked up the bit with part of the account number on it so
apparently "you could use that to make a copy and fradulently withdraw
money from that account"

So I said "So I could make a copy of the cheque card so I could
"fraudulently" withdraw money but only from my own account?"

To be fair she did say "If you put it that way"

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

wrote in message
...
On Aug 29, 12:16 pm, hopitus wrote:

Phone idiots...My personal recent favourite was the swine flu
hotline-
beleve it or not this is the exact start to the conversation(it will
be etched on my memory until the day I die)

I'd called because we both had suspected swine flu so...

"Are you the person with the symptoms?"
"Yes"
"Okay I need to ask you some questions to make sure it's not
something
else is that okay?"
"Ask away" (I didn't expect them to identify the problem by
vibrations
coming down the phone line or their psychic abilities after all)
"Are you conscious?"

I almost said no- it's on par with the letter from my GP that said
as
I hadn't been into the surgery for a while would I please confirm
that
I hadn't moved from the area or died? I did go in and say "I have
died but I haven't left the area so I'd like to stay on your books"
and the receptionist simply said "Okay" perhaps there are really
zombies in East London?


But my all time favourite was with a ticket officer I'd ordered an
annual from Euston Road station to start the next day so I went to
collect it, all well and good until the ticket guy said "Before I
can
give you your new ticket I'll have to have the old one "
Me: "But this ticket is still valid until midnight the new one
doesn't
start until tomorrow morning"
Ticket guy: "I cannot issue you with the new ticket until you hand
the
old one in"
Me "But I need to use this ticket to get home tonight and then I'll
use the new one tomorrow!
Ticket guy: "I cannot issue your new ticket until you give me the
old
one"
Me "Why not?"
Ticket guy "Because you might use the out of date ticket tomorrow to
travel fradulently"
Me "I've just handed over rather a large sum of money to buy a valid
ticket from tomorrow and you think I might travel on the out of
date
ticket tomorrow even through I just brought a perfectly good ticket
for tomorrow!"

I had to ask to speak to the supervisor to get it solved.

Another one was the time I dropped my cheque card in the bank and a
woman in high heels stood on it and it shattered so I sent all the
bits to my bank with a covering letter and they got very nasty
because
I hadn't picked up the bit with part of the account number on it so
apparently "you could use that to make a copy and fradulently
withdraw
money from that account"

So I said "So I could make a copy of the cheque card so I could
"fraudulently" withdraw money but only from my own account?"

To be fair she did say "If you put it that way"

Lesley

Amazing, but I'm certain all quite true.

All tread very close to my one true prejudice. I grew up in
Washington DC. It would seem that in every public office of any
sort there, they hire a person to be the 'gate keeper'. They
usually have about a third grade education but they've got a
government job, so they've got a job for life.

Their sole capacity to to keep you from reaching a person who can
actually help you. It is their one tiny bit of authority in this
life and they guard it like bull dogs.

Most often, though not always, they are young women of various
minority groups, and have total disdain for anyone not of their
particular group.

At least out in the real world, those jobs are held by someone's
niece or cousin. They might be useless but are at least friendly
and try to help 'bless their hearts'.

Jo

On Aug 30, 8:03*am, "Jofirey" wrote:


All tread very close to my one true prejudice. *I grew up in
Washington DC. *It would seem that in every public office of any
sort there, they hire a person to be the 'gate keeper'.

You just made me remember one that should be recalled. I had a real
problem with my bank at the time and whenever I tried to speak to the
manager I always got this same person "She's on the other line- she;ll
call you back", "she's not here", "She;s in a meeting"

To get to speak to the right person who sorted out the whole problem
including refunding a load of charges I was debating in less than 5
minutes, I actually was on hold for 4 1/2 hours before the gate keeper
surrendered...I got to read a lot of "Lord of the Rings" that day

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs