The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.

I found this on my archives, hope you find it as funny as I did.

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.
-------------------------------------------------------
How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared
in
the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat
had
different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should he
interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They
would
make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living
cat,
being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a
whiskered
head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole
body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on
the
floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of
the
floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was
white and
majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the
Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition
requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by
lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be
partly
resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognizing the traditional
validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of
the
feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on
the
floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be
possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs
such
as O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you,
we
proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here.

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after
four
pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue
a
statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain
that
traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to
an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages,
The
General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource
material
for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of
the
cat sat on the mat.

And the Mormons would come up with an entire rite in the Temple of the
Baptism of the Dead Cat on the Mat, and would find innumerable proofs
in the
Book of Mormon supporting the Cat and Mat, while spending millions of
dollars on archeological research to find the Mat or the Cat's bones,
ultimately proving it for themselves while the rest of the
archeological
world scoffed.

Source unknown.
--
: "Never try to outstubborn a cat." - Robert A. Heinlein

On 15 Mar 2007 12:39:02 -0700, "pistor" yodeled:

I found this on my archives, hope you find it as funny as I did.

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.
-------------------------------------------------------
How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared
in
the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat
had
different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should he
interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They
would
make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living
cat,
being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a
whiskered
head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole
body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on
the
floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of
the
floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was
white and
majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the
Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition
requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by
lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be
partly
resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognizing the traditional
validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of
the
feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on
the
floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be
possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs
such
as O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you,
we
proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here.

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after
four
pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue
a
statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain
that
traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to
an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages,
The
General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource
material
for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of
the
cat sat on the mat.

And the Mormons would come up with an entire rite in the Temple of the
Baptism of the Dead Cat on the Mat, and would find innumerable proofs
in the
Book of Mormon supporting the Cat and Mat, while spending millions of
dollars on archeological research to find the Mat or the Cat's bones,
ultimately proving it for themselves while the rest of the
archeological
world scoffed.

Source unknown.


OMG! LMAO

I am going right to church to light the candles and sing the
MagnifiCat. :P




Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh

Make Levees, Not War

This is wonderful! I'm forwarding it to my minister.

--
Joy

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an
empty desk? -- Jay Brand, cognitive psychologist

"pistor" wrote in message
oups.com...
I found this on my archives, hope you find it as funny as I did.

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.
-------------------------------------------------------
How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared
in
the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat
had
different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should he
interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They
would
make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living
cat,
being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a
whiskered
head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole
body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on
the
floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of
the
floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was
white and
majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the
Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition
requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by
lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be
partly
resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognizing the traditional
validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of
the
feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on
the
floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be
possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs
such
as O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you,
we
proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here.

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after
four
pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue
a
statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain
that
traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to
an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages,
The
General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource
material
for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of
the
cat sat on the mat.

And the Mormons would come up with an entire rite in the Temple of the
Baptism of the Dead Cat on the Mat, and would find innumerable proofs
in the
Book of Mormon supporting the Cat and Mat, while spending millions of
dollars on archeological research to find the Mat or the Cat's bones,
ultimately proving it for themselves while the rest of the
archeological
world scoffed.

Source unknown.
--
: "Never try to outstubborn a cat." - Robert A. Heinlein

This is hilarious!

The next revision must include interpretations for Jews, Buddhists,
Moslems, Hindus, and Wiccans. (*Especially* for Wiccans. ) "The Cat
Sat on a Mat" in World Religions.

Joyce


pistor wrote:

I found this on my archives, hope you find it as funny as I did.

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.
-------------------------------------------------------
How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared
in
the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat
had
different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should he
interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They
would
make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living
cat,
being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a
whiskered
head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole
body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on
the
floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of
the
floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was
white and
majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the
Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition
requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by
lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be
partly
resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognizing the traditional
validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of
the
feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on
the
floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be
possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs
such
as O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you,
we
proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here.

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after
four
pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue
a
statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain
that
traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to
an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages,
The
General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource
material
for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of
the
cat sat on the mat.

And the Mormons would come up with an entire rite in the Temple of the
Baptism of the Dead Cat on the Mat, and would find innumerable proofs
in the
Book of Mormon supporting the Cat and Mat, while spending millions of
dollars on archeological research to find the Mat or the Cat's bones,
ultimately proving it for themselves while the rest of the
archeological
world scoffed.

Source unknown.
--
: "Never try to outstubborn a cat." - Robert A. Heinlein


--
To reply privately, take the X's out of my user ID.

On Mar 15, 2:32 pm, wrote:
This is hilarious!

The next revision must include interpretations for Jews, Buddhists,
Moslems, Hindus, and Wiccans. (*Especially* for Wiccans. ) "The Cat
Sat on a Mat" in World Religions.

Joyce

pistor wrote:

I found this on my archives, hope you find it as funny as I did.

The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation.
-------------------------------------------------------
How would Christians deal with "The cat sat on the mat" if it appeared
in
the Bible?

The Liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of
course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also cat and mat
had
different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text
should he
interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They
would
make an essential condition of faith that a real, physical, living
cat,
being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a
whiskered
head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its
whole
body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on
the
floor, but not of the floor. The expression on the floor, but not of
the
floor would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the
Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was
white and
majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to
the
Great Cat Basket of heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the
Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.
This
would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes that
tradition
requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially known), to be marked by
lighting six candles, and ringing the bell four times This would be
partly
resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration, recognizing the traditional
validity of each.

The charismatics would welcome the chance for the full experience of
the
feline presence. This to be shown by resting, on all four limbs, on
the
floor and meowing in the feline spirit. This would, naturally, only be
possible following the singing, for some 30 minutes, of inspired songs
such
as O cat, cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat, Feline we enthrone you,
we
proclaim you as cat and When you scratch us, we know that you're here.

The house church elements might even agree a common doctrine, after
four
pauses, in a statement of multiple clauses.

Eventually, in the Church of England, the House of Bishops would issue
a
statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain
that
traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped
superjacent to
an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its
salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic
analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration
Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative
Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas). And so on for 210 pages,
The
General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource
material
for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of
the
cat sat on the mat.

And the Mormons would come up with an entire rite in the Temple of the
Baptism of the Dead Cat on the Mat, and would find innumerable proofs
in the
Book of Mormon supporting the Cat and Mat, while spending millions of
dollars on archeological research to find the Mat or the Cat's bones,
ultimately proving it for themselves while the rest of the
archeological
world scoffed.

Source unknown.
--
: "Never try to outstubborn a cat." - Robert A. Heinlein

--
To reply privately, take the X's out of my user ID.

This is hilarious! I know exactly who to send it to among my circles
of acquaintances. =o)

Hang on though.... Does this mean that ONLY the cats whose whole
physical beings sat upon the floor covering that was on the floor but
not OF the floor will be bodily assumed into Heaven at the Rapture?
=o)

Melissa

wrote:
The next revision must include interpretations for Jews, Buddhists,
Moslems, Hindus, and Wiccans. (*Especially* for Wiccans. ) "The Cat
Sat on a Mat" in World Religions.

Hmmm.... we do have a few wiccans in the group, don't we? I'm sure we
have jews and moslems too. Any hindus out there? I'm sorta-kinda buddhist...

--
Victor M. Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

On Thu, 15 Mar 2007 18:51:09 -0400, Victor Martinez wrote:

wrote:
The next revision must include interpretations for Jews, Buddhists,
Moslems, Hindus, and Wiccans. (*Especially* for Wiccans. ) "The Cat
Sat on a Mat" in World Religions.

Hmmm.... we do have a few wiccans in the group, don't we? I'm sure we
have jews and moslems too. Any hindus out there? I'm sorta-kinda buddhist...



Freethinker here, embracing much of many religions (Buddhism included), but
not everything of any.

--
Joey DoWop Dee
Remember: It is To Laugh