About Bandit - long

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...

Bandit came to us with an attitude. One day I opened my front door and
she just ran past me into my living room. I turned to stare at the
little 6-week-old kitten and she stared right back at me with her big
green eyes. She didn't cower in a corner, like most frightened kittens
would have. She stood boldly in the middle of the room proclaiming, in
cat language, that she had chosen this lowly abode to be her place of
residence. She sat down daintily and licked her shoulder so that I
could admire the lush reddish and black stripes on her long, silky
brown coat. I picked her up and brought her outside where I kept food
and water for all the strays that got dropped off in our very rural
neighborhood. She would have none of this, however, and just darted
past my legs and back into my living room. Outdoor life was definitely
not her preference and I'd better just get used to it, because she had
taken possession of me, and my home. I called my husband, CatNapped,
and told him that we had just adopted a new kitten. We called her
Bandit because she took unlawful possession of everything we owned.

It wasn't long before Bandit had us trained to take care of her every
whim. Non-compliance was met with snarls, bites, and scratches on our
most expensive furniture as well as on our most tender and delicious
body parts. No other stray cat was allowed inside the house; dogs
weren't even permitted on the surrounding property – she could
intimidate them from the windows! Her energy was boundless, even for a
kitten. She had her own special way of getting from the kitchen to the
living room. She would start on the far side of the kitchen, start
running full out, then jump up as high as she could onto the hall
wall. She would then bounce off of the wall onto the opposite wall,
then rebound from that wall to the first, and end up in one giant leap
onto the coffee table – sliding everything off with her four-paw
landing.

One day, when Bandit was about 10 weeks old, a neighborhood boy came
to the house calling on my son, CatsPaw. Following right behind him,
through the front door, was his pet pit bull. Bandit was sitting on
the arm of the sofa when this intruder burst into her house. She
promptly launched herself six feet through the air to land on the
dog's face. She hooked her front claws behind the dog's ears and
hooked her hind claws beneath his chin. She then proceeded to bite him
about the eyes and ears, all the while producing a most frightening
caterwaul. The poor dog looked like that guy who was first attacked in
"Alien" – he didn't know what was happening to him and just stood
there shaking his head back and forth trying to dislodge the tiny
banshee. Finally, Bandit released one paw in order to add a nasty
swipe to his bleeding forehead and he was able to shake her off. The
minute he was free he made a beeline for the door and ran, howling,
all the way home. His peeved owner later told me that he wouldn't come
out of his doghouse for three days. I only avoided a lawsuit because
the owner was too embarrassed to admit, in court, that a tiny kitten
had so brutalized and traumatized his macho canine.

When Bandit was six months old, CatNapped and I decided to take a
much-needed vacation from our mistress – a chance to heal our many
wounds! We planned to drive down to Orlando, Florida, stay with my
husband's family, and visit Disney World. We arranged to have a "cat
sitter" come to our house, once a day, to feed the little monster, and
clean the litter box. I felt morally obliged to warn this brave soul
about the dangers of close association with Bandit. "Now, be sure you
wear heavy jeans and high-topped boots when you come." I told her. "A
thick denim jacket with heavy-duty gardening gloves would also help
protect you. You don't happen to own a motorcycle helmet, do you? Be
sure not to expose any body parts, and whatever you do, don't turn
your back on her!"

I called home every day to make sure the sitter was still alive and in
good health and had not fled the country in terror. She assured me
that everything was fine and Bandit was behaving herself beautifully.
I started to worry. The cat was planning something big. On the last
day of our trip I heard the sitter say brightly (and with a sigh of
relief) to Bandit, "Your mommy is coming home tomorrow!" Oh gawd, the
fool! Didn't she know that you NEVER told that cat any of your plans
in advance – she was dangerous enough without being forewarned! "Don't
worry," the sitter told me, "everything is nice and tidy for when you
return. Bandit has been a little angel." My worry deepened.

As we pulled into the driveway, I could feel an ominous quiet seeping
from the house. Something seemed to be amiss with the front window,
but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I opened the front door
and stood for a moment gaping at what was left of my living room. The
drapes from both windows lay shredded on the floor. The beautifully
bound, first edition book which had graced the coffee table for so
many years was torn to tiny bits. The paneling was marred with long
scratches from ceiling to floor. The molding from the lintel on top of
the hallway door was missing. The carpet was peeling up from bare
floor in several places. In the hallway, we found a trail of toilet
paper leading to the bathroom. Some of it had been dumped into the
toilet so that water soaked the bathroom floor and hall carpet. In the
kitchen, all the canisters were toppled to the floor and flour coated
every square inch of walls, floor, and ceiling. Rice, sugar, and bits
of broken glass crunched under our feet as we made our way to the
refrigerator to belatedly close the door that had been pulled open –
allowing all the food inside to spoil. The chairs from the dinette set
were tumbled across the room and their leather seat cushions were
ripped apart and leaking padding. In the laundry room, the litter box
was turned over and its contents were spread over the walls and floor
as well as the formerly clean laundry, which had been neatly folded in
baskets. In the bedroom I saw a large yellow stain in the middle of my
white chenille bedspread. I found one of my slippers, chewed beyond
recognition, on the bedroom floor. The other slipper was later
discovered in the toilet. And, sitting in her bed with a look of
satisfaction on her face, was the perpetrator of all this havoc. She
looked up at me and had the nerve to hiss!! "Oh, what are we going to
do CatNapped?" I wailed. "I vote we just get back in the car and find
another place to live," he replied, "she can have the house if she'll
just let us go!" "Don't be silly." I said. "Slaves like us are too
hard to replace – she'd track us down and then we'd REALLY be in
trouble!"

I thought that, as she grew older, Bandit would settle down a bit –
how foolish the hopes of the oppressed! Over the years she has: chased
visitors, screaming, to the tops of furniture; launched herself from
our second floor balcony to land atop a stray tom cat and chased him
off never to be seen again; terrorized every dog that has ever lived
within a mile radius of our home; shredded every piece of furniture
we've ever owned; inflicted scars upon my body; and severely wounded a
number of veterinary assistants. Today, at fourteen years old, she is
nine and a half pounds of bad attitude – with teeth!

Besides straight-forward terrorism, she has also learned some subtler
tortures. Take, for instance, the way she learned to turn on the
"touch" lamp that sits on the table beside my bed. Now, some of you
may call that an accident that happens when she sniffs the lamp. No
way, folks! She touches the lamp very quickly, three times, with her
nose so that the three-way bulb will turn on to its brightest setting,
directly into my sleeping eyes – at three-o-clock in the morning. She
will also wait for the rainiest day of the year and then dart out the
front door and under the bushes (where she is dry under the eaves of
the house) and evade my grasping hands until I am thoroughly soaked.
Is it any wonder that her nickname is "Bitch Cat From Hell"?

CatNapped and I haven't been on another vacation since that fateful
trip to Orlando. I think that it's high time we had another break.
Maybe somewhere far, far away – across an ocean, maybe. Anyone out
there want a job as a cat sitter? The pay is good, and all medical
expenses are covered. No special training is required, but it helps if
you have a spare suit of armor hanging around. Well, any takers?
Hello? Hello?

Hugs,

CatNipped

CatMom to:
Bandit, (a.k.a. "Bitch Cat From Hell"), 14, DLH Tabby
Demi, (a.k.a. "Ghost Cat"), 5, DLH Pure White Beauty
Jessie, (a.k.a. "Jet Ski"), 4, DSH Tortoiseshell
Samantha / Sammy, (a.k.a. "Mini Me"), 2 ½ months, DLH Tabby

http://www.gcmensa.org/Cats.html (Jessie, Demi, Bandit)
http://www.gcmensa.org/Sammy/ (Sammy)
http://www.gcmensa.org/Sammy2/ (All my fur babies)

She sounds like an awesome, if somewhat cranky character.


--
Victor Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

She sounds like an awesome, if somewhat cranky character.


--
Victor Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

She sounds like an awesome, if somewhat cranky character.


--
Victor Martinez
Owned and operated by the Fantastic Seven (TM)
Send your spam he
Email me he

CatNipped wrote:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...

You'll be receiving the bill from my hospital ... I laughed until I hurt
myself!
--
The One-and-only Holy MosesT

CatNipped wrote:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...

You'll be receiving the bill from my hospital ... I laughed until I hurt
myself!
--
The One-and-only Holy MosesT

CatNipped wrote:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...

You'll be receiving the bill from my hospital ... I laughed until I hurt
myself!
--
The One-and-only Holy MosesT

On 16 Jul 2004 07:35:26 -0700, (CatNipped)
yodeled:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...


(snip story)


Wow.

BTW, I think it's ridiculous for a person to just bring a dog into
someone's house without asking first.


Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com
alt.tv.frasier FAQ: http://www.im-listening.net/FAQ/

On 16 Jul 2004 07:35:26 -0700, (CatNipped)
yodeled:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...


(snip story)


Wow.

BTW, I think it's ridiculous for a person to just bring a dog into
someone's house without asking first.


Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com
alt.tv.frasier FAQ: http://www.im-listening.net/FAQ/

On 16 Jul 2004 07:35:26 -0700, (CatNipped)
yodeled:

You've seen the pictures, now read the awful truth about this bad-ass
cat...


(snip story)


Wow.

BTW, I think it's ridiculous for a person to just bring a dog into
someone's house without asking first.


Theresa
Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh
My Blog: http://www.humanitas.blogspot.com
alt.tv.frasier FAQ: http://www.im-listening.net/FAQ/