HazelAZ

Takayuki wrote:

It's sometimes worried me when I hear that people who seem to be nice
can become abusive. If I find someone that I love very much, maybe
before marriage, I should go to an anger management counselor or
something, just in case? It might sound sort of silly, but probably
nobody goes into a relationship thinking that they will be abusive, so
maybe there's always a latent possibility somewhere?

Tak,

When you get mad at Betty, what do you do? One can tell a lot about an
abusive person by the way they treat their animals. Also, are you a
passive/agressive type person. Do you seethe when it has been pointed
out that something you did was wrong? Can you take the blame when
you've done something wrong? If you don't like your honest answers to
these and other questions, get thee to a councilor. If you can handle
stress like a normal person, you'll do fine.

Pam S.

Tanada wrote:

Tak,

When you get mad at Betty, what do you do? One can tell a lot about an
abusive person by the way they treat their animals. Also, are you a
passive/agressive type person. Do you seethe when it has been pointed
out that something you did was wrong? Can you take the blame when
you've done something wrong? If you don't like your honest answers to
these and other questions, get thee to a councilor. If you can handle
stress like a normal person, you'll do fine.

Thanks, I feel reassured. And I don't think anyone could get mad at
Betty!

"Tanada" wrote in message
...
Takayuki wrote:

It's sometimes worried me when I hear that people who seem to be nice
can become abusive. If I find someone that I love very much, maybe
before marriage, I should go to an anger management counselor or
something, just in case? It might sound sort of silly, but probably
nobody goes into a relationship thinking that they will be abusive, so
maybe there's always a latent possibility somewhere?

Tak,

When you get mad at Betty, what do you do? One can tell a lot about an
abusive person by the way they treat their animals. Also, are you a
passive/agressive type person. Do you seethe when it has been pointed
out that something you did was wrong? Can you take the blame when
you've done something wrong? If you don't like your honest answers to
these and other questions, get thee to a councilor. If you can handle
stress like a normal person, you'll do fine.

Thankyou Pam, you have just explained in a nutshell what I have been trying
to figure out for ages.

When Mad at Shmogg:
Ex hit Shmogg with a thong. Joel says "******* cat", or in extreme
cases, gets out the water pistol
When in the wrong:
Ex never admitted to being in the wrong and never apologised. Joel often
in the wrong, apologises for it, and if possible, fixes his error.
When I'm in the wrong:
Ex ranted and raved and made me "pay". Ex seemed to take delight in
reminding me how stupid I was even years later. Joel accepts my apology,
apologises himself for getting mad at me, we hug and then forget it.

Figuring therefore, ex had very low self esteem as he couldn't acknowledge
any fault or weakness on his part, and therefore also couldn't forgive any
faults or weakness in others, and because females are technically "weaker",
he despised them for not being strong and "perfect". Makes sense now. What a
sad and pathetic way to live life!

Joel on the other hand, is confident enough in himself to realise that he,
and everyone else on the planet, screws up from time to time, and if there
was no ill intent, the error was just a stupid mistake that anyone - even
he- could make. And its therefore he can forgive.

Thankyou for making hte lightbulb shine! I think I might just pity the poor
creature of an ex now, he'll never ever be happy, no matter what he does.

Yowie

"Yowie" wrote:
Thankyou Pam, you have just explained in a nutshell what I have been trying
to figure out for ages.

When Mad at Shmogg:
Ex hit Shmogg with a thong. Joel says "******* cat", or in extreme
cases, gets out the water pistol
When in the wrong:
Ex never admitted to being in the wrong and never apologised. Joel often
in the wrong, apologises for it, and if possible, fixes his error.
When I'm in the wrong:
Ex ranted and raved and made me "pay". Ex seemed to take delight in
reminding me how stupid I was even years later. Joel accepts my apology,
apologises himself for getting mad at me, we hug and then forget it.

Yay! I'm glad you figured out the puzzle! Joel definitely sounds
much better than your ex!

BTW, for those in the states who might be confused, a "thong" can
refer to sandal type footwear, as opposed to thong underwear.

Yowie wrote:

Figuring therefore, ex had very low self esteem as he couldn't acknowledge
any fault or weakness on his part, and therefore also couldn't forgive any
faults or weakness in others, and because females are technically "weaker",
he despised them for not being strong and "perfect". Makes sense now. What a
sad and pathetic way to live life!

Joel on the other hand, is confident enough in himself to realise that he,
and everyone else on the planet, screws up from time to time, and if there
was no ill intent, the error was just a stupid mistake that anyone - even
he- could make. And its therefore he can forgive.



YW Yowie. I was asked some of these questions when I went in for
counseling after I had Jason. I was terrified that I would abuse him as
I had been abused. I couldn't answer those questions honestly for a
while, so I got counseling instead. Now I know I have the potential to
be abusive, but don't have to be and have been taught alternatives to
being so. Fortunately, Rob has taught me so much about being a truly
gentle person, and I can now answer those questions in a positive way.
Coping techniques don't hurt either.

Pam S. telling one of her saddest and deepest secrets

"Tanada" wrote in message
...
Yowie wrote:

Figuring therefore, ex had very low self esteem as he couldn't
acknowledge
any fault or weakness on his part, and therefore also couldn't forgive
any
faults or weakness in others, and because females are technically
"weaker",
he despised them for not being strong and "perfect". Makes sense now.
What a
sad and pathetic way to live life!

Joel on the other hand, is confident enough in himself to realise that
he,
and everyone else on the planet, screws up from time to time, and if
there
was no ill intent, the error was just a stupid mistake that anyone -
even
he- could make. And its therefore he can forgive.



YW Yowie. I was asked some of these questions when I went in for
counseling after I had Jason. I was terrified that I would abuse him as
I had been abused. I couldn't answer those questions honestly for a
while, so I got counseling instead. Now I know I have the potential to
be abusive, but don't have to be and have been taught alternatives to
being so. Fortunately, Rob has taught me so much about being a truly
gentle person, and I can now answer those questions in a positive way.
Coping techniques don't hurt either.

Pam S. telling one of her saddest and deepest secrets

Huggles.

It takes a truly brave person to recognise they need help, and to seek it
out. I can't imagine you as anything other than a really cool parent (and
person!), so you've done really well. We all have the potential to be
arseholes, but we also have the choice not to be. Goodonya for having the
courage to make that choice, and not let some f*ckwit from your past make it
for you. Joel has had to make similar choices too, but I know that his
fathering skills will put his stepfather to shame. In fact, I think this
baby of ours I am carrying will be the thing that will finally excorcise the
last of Joel's stepfather's "ghost" out of his life, because Joel will make
a *point* of not passing the abuse down to the next generation (I have been
lead to believe its endemic in that side of the family - in fact, I can see
it already in at least one of his siblings).

Yowie

Well, thank you! The whole subject isn't funny.....but I *was* picturing him
slapping at the Shmogg with thong panties (!) Where we live they call those
beach slippers "zoris", "flip-flops", or "go-betweens"........i.e.
"Margaritaville": "Blew out my flip-flop....."



"Takayuki" wrote in message
...
: "Yowie" wrote:
: Thankyou Pam, you have just explained in a nutshell what I have been
trying
: to figure out for ages.
:
: When Mad at Shmogg:
: Ex hit Shmogg with a thong. Joel says "******* cat", or in extreme
: cases, gets out the water pistol
: When in the wrong:
: Ex never admitted to being in the wrong and never apologised. Joel
often
: in the wrong, apologises for it, and if possible, fixes his error.
: When I'm in the wrong:
: Ex ranted and raved and made me "pay". Ex seemed to take delight in
: reminding me how stupid I was even years later. Joel accepts my apology,
: apologises himself for getting mad at me, we hug and then forget it.
:
: Yay! I'm glad you figured out the puzzle! Joel definitely sounds
: much better than your ex!
:
: BTW, for those in the states who might be confused, a "thong" can
: refer to sandal type footwear, as opposed to thong underwear.
:

Pam S. telling one of her saddest and deepest secrets

For a short time, I was exercising the potential of being abusive to
my oldest daughter. My temper was running short, my patience was
nonexistance and I was exausted this time last year. I was four months
into a post partum depression that should have been noticed (had Jody
and I known much of anything about PPD) with my six week checkup after
Eve came along. In fact, it *should* have been diagnosed with Abigael
five years ago.

I hated admitting it to anyone and I remember for days they kept
having to reassure me that nobody was coming to take my kids because I
did admit to having "difficulty". It took a while to sink in that
where I was was considered "ok" in that it wasn't my fault and that by
seeking help it actually prevented the worst of it and I was in fact
an even better mom for telling my doctor. I was told later they
discussed hospitalization for a few days until I was properly
tranquilized *grin* and sedated into a non-dangerous situation. I
think the only reason they did not is because Jody was home to keep an
eye on me, and my parents were next door. The kids were never in
drastic danger (I never hit them, it was all verbal and emotional. The
doctor made sure of that first and foremost) but left alone, I may
have tried to hurt myself. It got pretty hairy for a while and apart
from Jody, my doctor and probably what Jody told Mom, I didn't really
share much with others but it was awful that Tuesday when everything
fell apart. Once in a while my nightmares consist of that week,
repeating some of the emotional outbursts, the arguments I instigated
with Jody, the screaming I did at the kids.

I found out later that "depressive" traits aren't the only traits. You
don't have to sleep, not eat, mope or cry to be depressed. You can be
uncontrollably angry, illogical and irrational with rage and tears and
fury. And it was too easy to push all of that onto the kidlets.

Abuse comes in many forms, and some of it can be stopped very
successfully. And some of it isn't really any fault of the abuser
until they fail to seek and respond to help.

Anyway, sorry for making it "all about me" on this post. Didn't mean
to drag it out but it's just my version of Pam's secret. Different
reasons, but entirely too similar memories I'm willing to bet.

Tanada wrote in message ...


YW Yowie. I was asked some of these questions when I went in for
counseling after I had Jason. I was terrified that I would abuse him as
I had been abused. I couldn't answer those questions honestly for a
while, so I got counseling instead. Now I know I have the potential to
be abusive, but don't have to be and have been taught alternatives to
being so. Fortunately, Rob has taught me so much about being a truly
gentle person, and I can now answer those questions in a positive way.
Coping techniques don't hurt either.

Pam S. telling one of her saddest and deepest secrets


((((((Pam)))))))
I think it was awfully smart and brave of you to get counseling - it
doesn't matter what *potential* is there, only what you make of it.
It has always sounded to me like you've done a fantastic job, and have
nothing to be sad about at all.
------
Krista

"Yowie" wrote

SNIP When Mad at Shmogg:
Ex hit Shmogg with a thong. SNIP

Not to make light of the situation, really. But a THONG??

Perhaps it means different over the pond... but on this side a thong is a
type of underwear (just a strip of fabric between the 'ol buttcheeks).

Actually, I be the Dave's wouldn't mind getting hit with a thong...

Stacey (who once again, does NOT mean to make light of the situation)