[OT - sort of] Excerpt from old Dave Barry

Yowie's story about Shmogg sliding on a mat toward the wall and
hitting the wall hard with his head reminds me of a funny Dave Barry
column I read quite a few years ago, about a d-pet that did approximately
the same kind of thing. I didn't want to hijack Yowie's thread, which
rightfully belongs to Shmogg, so I started my own.

And here, for your reading pleasure, is an excerpt from the column
"The New Dog", by Dave Barry, circa 1987:

The only dog I ever met that was dumber than Shawna belongs to my
editor. This dog, a collie named Augie, also looks smart, because you
tend to think collies are smart if you grew up watching "Lassie"...
[SNIP]

...you may remember that night; it was the longest one we ever had
-- that I slept on my editor's couch in his living room, which is
also where Augie sleeps. Only she doesn't sleep. What she does is,
first, she lies down. Then she scratches herself. Then she engages in
loud personal hygiene. Then she thinks, "Maybe I can go out!" and she
walks across the floor, which is made of a special kind of hard wood
so that when a dog walks on it, it goes TICK TICK TICK TICK at
exactly the volume you would use to get maximum benefit from the
Chinese Ticking Torture.

When Augie gets to the front door, which is of course closed -- it
is always closed at night; even the domestic insects have learned
this by now -- she bumps into it with her head. Then she backs up and
bumps into it with her head a couple more times, in case there has
been some mistake. Then she senses, somehow, that there is a person
sleeping on the couch, and she has the most innovative idea she has
ever thought of, which is: "Maybe HE will let me out!" So she walks
over to me and noses me in the face, using the same nose she uses for
hygiene, and I say, "Dammit, Augie! Go to sleep!"

So she lies down for one minute, which is how long it takes for her
brain cell to forget everything that has ever happened to her since
she was born. And then she starts again: SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
SLURP SLURP SLURP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK BUMP (think) BUMP
(think) BUMP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK NOSE "DAMMIT, AUGIE! GO TO
SLEEP!" TICK TICK TICK TICK (pause) SCRATCH. . . .

wrote in message
...
Yowie's story about Shmogg sliding on a mat toward the wall and
hitting the wall hard with his head reminds me of a funny Dave Barry
column I read quite a few years ago, about a d-pet that did approximately
the same kind of thing. I didn't want to hijack Yowie's thread, which
rightfully belongs to Shmogg, so I started my own.

And here, for your reading pleasure, is an excerpt from the column
"The New Dog", by Dave Barry, circa 1987:

The only dog I ever met that was dumber than Shawna belongs to my
editor. This dog, a collie named Augie, also looks smart, because you
tend to think collies are smart if you grew up watching "Lassie"...
[SNIP]

...you may remember that night; it was the longest one we ever had
-- that I slept on my editor's couch in his living room, which is
also where Augie sleeps. Only she doesn't sleep. What she does is,
first, she lies down. Then she scratches herself. Then she engages in
loud personal hygiene. Then she thinks, "Maybe I can go out!" and she
walks across the floor, which is made of a special kind of hard wood
so that when a dog walks on it, it goes TICK TICK TICK TICK at
exactly the volume you would use to get maximum benefit from the
Chinese Ticking Torture.

When Augie gets to the front door, which is of course closed -- it
is always closed at night; even the domestic insects have learned
this by now -- she bumps into it with her head. Then she backs up and
bumps into it with her head a couple more times, in case there has
been some mistake. Then she senses, somehow, that there is a person
sleeping on the couch, and she has the most innovative idea she has
ever thought of, which is: "Maybe HE will let me out!" So she walks
over to me and noses me in the face, using the same nose she uses for
hygiene, and I say, "Dammit, Augie! Go to sleep!"

So she lies down for one minute, which is how long it takes for her
brain cell to forget everything that has ever happened to her since
she was born. And then she starts again: SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
SLURP SLURP SLURP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK BUMP (think) BUMP
(think) BUMP (think) TICK TICK TICK TICK NOSE "DAMMIT, AUGIE! GO TO
SLEEP!" TICK TICK TICK TICK (pause) SCRATCH. . . .


I always loved Dave Barry's writing about dogs. His pieces about Earnest
and Zippy were especially funny.

Kreisleriana drtmuiratearthlink.net wrote:

I always loved Dave Barry's writing about dogs. His pieces about Earnest
and Zippy were especially funny.

I'm very fond of the phrase "loud personal hygiene", as I have never
heard anything that more perfectly describes what it's like to be in the
same room with a dog who is cleaning itself. Also, I think it would make
a good band name.

Joyce