My draft persuasive essay (NOT OT)

If Everyone Cared – Please spay and neuter

With the probable unwelcome assistance of humans, animals that were
once wild evolved into pets that became our companions; non-judgmental
and providers of unconditional love. We helped to domesticate them to
be our pest control, and to some, our family members and for that reason
I believe we have a responsibility for their health and well-being. I
have been a long-time advocate for animal welfare and have volunteered
in the past as a rescue worker, TNR (trap, neuter, release) worker to
help maintain the population of feral cats while letting them live in
the way they have been accustomed to but without bringing more into the
world to suffer and die, and a foster mother to the lucky rescued cats
to help them find "foreverhomes". I recently found a slideshow of
photos with an accompanying song that moved me to tears and reminded me
again why I strongly believe in the mission of asking people to please
have your pets spayed and neutered. Sometimes there is nothing so
powerful to get a message across than using photos, music, videos, or
actual accounts from those involved. I would love to spread the message
that pets should be prevented from reproducing. The song and slideshow
that moved me says more than I can with mere words. Neutering our pets,
both male and female, will reduce the number of homeless domestic
animals.

Filled with the emotion that flooded over me as I watched the slideshow
for the first time, and as I listened to the words of the song If
Everyone cared (2007, Youtube.com), I remembered the real life horrors
from my rescue worker days. The photos of the kittens in the slideshow
seem to be screaming out the words “I'm Alive”. I hope that you will
watch and listen and understand the gravity of the situation! Many of
the unwanted pets in the cages within the shelter system wouldn't be
there if there were enough homes for them. The primary solution for
this problem is to have all pets spayed and neutered. The domestic
animals in those cages ARE alive now, and they should take priority over
creating new ones! You might think that if everyone spayed and neutered
their pets that this would be the end to kittens and puppies, but that
is so far from the truth. There will always be those who breed show
animals. Those little innocent beings that aren’t born with the right
fur color, the right temperament, or the right faces and body types will
be pets, not show animals. The breeders will want to find homes for
them so they can continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t
show quality are either given away free of cost, or even turned into
animal shelters to be adopted if they are lucky. In addition to animal
breeders for show, there are those people who don't think the problem is
caused by just a single litter. Many people might not even know there
is a problem and might want to let their pet have just that one litter
of babies to teach their children the miracle of life. Maybe the lesson
should rather be the shame of those who have to die because of that one
litter? Better yet, if one wants their children to experience birth and
life, the option is available to be a foster family of a domestic
homeless animal that is already pregnant. Of course then there are the
millions of stray and feral animals whose offspring make wonderful pets
if they are given a chance. Nickelback wrote as an ending to their song
If Everyone Cared “We'd see the day, we'd see the day When nobody died
we’d see the day, we'd see the day When nobody died we’d see the day
when nobody died” (Nickelback, 2006). With so much passion in those
words, Nickelback’s theme of the song is “caring about something to work
towards the improvement of human civilization” (Wikipedia.com, 2011) and
not necessarily about spaying and neutering of pets. However, tied in
with the photos of caged domestic animals, these words reinforce my
dedication to this cause. “Nobody died”. This is worth striving for!

During the years I volunteered in animal rescue, I learned so much
about what goes on in animal shelters. Many of the workers, even those
tasked with destroying the ones that haven’t been rescued in time,
especially those that are turned in by their owners, are very
compassionate. The volunteers give their time willingly to raise money,
take animals to adoption shows and talk about those pets that are with
them in need of a home. There are veterinarians who volunteer their
time pro bono or for very little pay to perform neutering surgeries,
treat illnesses and injuries, and administer vaccinations. Other
volunteers write grant pleas and fill out applications for some of the
grants available to charities, particularly those grants with money set
aside just for spay and neuter. Bob Barker, a famous game show host
and TV personality, was, and still is, very influential in trying to
reduce the number of homeless domestic animals by founding the DJ&T
foundation in 1995, whose sole purpose was offering free or low cost
spay and neuter for domestic animals. (2011, A&E Television Networks)
Many financial grants are available in his name to carry on his
passion. Rescue groups and shelters that are given money from these
grants must offer free or low cost community spay and neuter in return.
The web site for his foundation says that he “endowed the Foundation so
that it can go on funding projects indefinitely. “ (2007, DJ&T
Foundation). Since his involvement in animal welfare, he began ending
his show with the words "Help control the pet population. Have your pets
spayed or neutered." and influenced others including his successor, Drew
Carey, to do the same. (2011, Wikipedia.com)

Finding and watching the slideshow I’ve been discussing, and listening
to the music that accompanies it has renewed my passion for the cause of
spaying and neutering all domestic pets. My dream is that no more
domestic dogs, cats, rabbits, and all of the other animals that our
species has converted into pets don’t have to needlessly die. If this
dream comes true, it will end the suffering and death of so many
beautiful animals. There is no excuse for not spaying and neutering,
especially with the resources available to us by the cities, counties
and states in which we live, at least here in the USA. Free and low
cost spay and neuter is available, perhaps it just needs to be
advertised better. If even one person who hasn’t yet spayed or
neutered their pet gets the message from reading this heartfelt article,
I will consider myself successful in spreading my dream, and the dream
of so many others who tirelessly and lovingly give their time for animal
welfare.


Sources cited (will be revised in MLA style)

Kristin Bags Jan 17, 2008, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HTkOfyN4ac&feature=fvst

DJ&T Foundation, 2007, retrieved on 7/18/2011 from
http://www.djtfoundation.org/1.htm

Wikipedia.com, 2011, retrieved on 7/18/11 from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Barker

A&E Television Networks, 2011, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.biography.com/articles/Bo...9542237?part=1

Nickelback, 2006 If Everyone Cared. Roadrunner Records

--
Cheryl
Come carpe diem baby - Metallica

On 7/19/2011 11:51 PM, Cheryl wrote:
If Everyone Cared – Please spay and neuter

With the probable unwelcome assistance of humans, animals that were once
wild evolved into pets that became our companions; non-judgmental and
providers of unconditional love. We helped to domesticate them to be our
pest control, and to some, our family members and for that reason I
believe we have a responsibility for their health and well-being. I have
been a long-time advocate for animal welfare and have volunteered in the
past as a rescue worker, TNR (trap, neuter, release) worker to help
maintain the population of feral cats while letting them live in the way
they have been accustomed to but without bringing more into the world to
suffer and die, and a foster mother to the lucky rescued cats to help
them find "foreverhomes". I recently found a slideshow of photos with an
accompanying song that moved me to tears and reminded me again why I
strongly believe in the mission of asking people to please have your
pets spayed and neutered. Sometimes there is nothing so powerful to get
a message across than using photos, music, videos, or actual accounts
from those involved. I would love to spread the message that pets should
be prevented from reproducing. The song and slideshow that moved me says
more than I can with mere words. Neutering our pets, both male and
female, will reduce the number of homeless domestic animals.

Filled with the emotion that flooded over me as I watched the slideshow
for the first time, and as I listened to the words of the song If
Everyone cared (2007, Youtube.com), I remembered the real life horrors
from my rescue worker days. The photos of the kittens in the slideshow
seem to be screaming out the words “I'm Alive”. I hope that you will
watch and listen and understand the gravity of the situation! Many of
the unwanted pets in the cages within the shelter system wouldn't be
there if there were enough homes for them. The primary solution for this
problem is to have all pets spayed and neutered. The domestic animals in
those cages ARE alive now, and they should take priority over creating
new ones! You might think that if everyone spayed and neutered their
pets that this would be the end to kittens and puppies, but that is so
far from the truth. There will always be those who breed show animals.
Those little innocent beings that aren’t born with the right fur color,
the right temperament, or the right faces and body types will be pets,
not show animals. The breeders will want to find homes for them so they
can continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t show quality are
either given away free of cost, or even turned into animal shelters to
be adopted if they are lucky. In addition to animal breeders for show,
there are those people who don't think the problem is caused by just a
single litter. Many people might not even know there is a problem and
might want to let their pet have just that one litter of babies to teach
their children the miracle of life. Maybe the lesson should rather be
the shame of those who have to die because of that one litter? Better
yet, if one wants their children to experience birth and life, the
option is available to be a foster family of a domestic homeless animal
that is already pregnant. Of course then there are the millions of stray
and feral animals whose offspring make wonderful pets if they are given
a chance. Nickelback wrote as an ending to their song If Everyone Cared
“We'd see the day, we'd see the day When nobody died we’d see the day,
we'd see the day When nobody died we’d see the day when nobody died”
(Nickelback, 2006). With so much passion in those words, Nickelback’s
theme of the song is “caring about something to work towards the
improvement of human civilization” (Wikipedia.com, 2011) and not
necessarily about spaying and neutering of pets. However, tied in with
the photos of caged domestic animals, these words reinforce my
dedication to this cause. “Nobody died”. This is worth striving for!

During the years I volunteered in animal rescue, I learned so much about
what goes on in animal shelters. Many of the workers, even those tasked
with destroying the ones that haven’t been rescued in time, especially
those that are turned in by their owners, are very compassionate. The
volunteers give their time willingly to raise money, take animals to
adoption shows and talk about those pets that are with them in need of a
home. There are veterinarians who volunteer their time pro bono or for
very little pay to perform neutering surgeries, treat illnesses and
injuries, and administer vaccinations. Other volunteers write grant
pleas and fill out applications for some of the grants available to
charities, particularly those grants with money set aside just for spay
and neuter. Bob Barker, a famous game show host and TV personality, was,
and still is, very influential in trying to reduce the number of
homeless domestic animals by founding the DJ&T foundation in 1995, whose
sole purpose was offering free or low cost spay and neuter for domestic
animals. (2011, A&E Television Networks) Many financial grants are
available in his name to carry on his passion. Rescue groups and
shelters that are given money from these grants must offer free or low
cost community spay and neuter in return. The web site for his
foundation says that he “endowed the Foundation so that it can go on
funding projects indefinitely. “ (2007, DJ&T Foundation). Since his
involvement in animal welfare, he began ending his show with the words
"Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered."
and influenced others including his successor, Drew Carey, to do the
same. (2011, Wikipedia.com)

Finding and watching the slideshow I’ve been discussing, and listening
to the music that accompanies it has renewed my passion for the cause of
spaying and neutering all domestic pets. My dream is that no more
domestic dogs, cats, rabbits, and all of the other animals that our
species has converted into pets don’t have to needlessly die. If this
dream comes true, it will end the suffering and death of so many
beautiful animals. There is no excuse for not spaying and neutering,
especially with the resources available to us by the cities, counties
and states in which we live, at least here in the USA. Free and low cost
spay and neuter is available, perhaps it just needs to be advertised
better. If even one person who hasn’t yet spayed or neutered their pet
gets the message from reading this heartfelt article, I will consider
myself successful in spreading my dream, and the dream of so many others
who tirelessly and lovingly give their time for animal welfare.


Sources cited (will be revised in MLA style)

Kristin Bags Jan 17, 2008, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HTkOfyN4ac&feature=fvst

DJ&T Foundation, 2007, retrieved on 7/18/2011 from
http://www.djtfoundation.org/1.htm

Wikipedia.com, 2011, retrieved on 7/18/11 from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Barker

A&E Television Networks, 2011, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.biography.com/articles/Bo...9542237?part=1

Nickelback, 2006 If Everyone Cared. Roadrunner Records


That was indeed a very persuasive essay. I watched the video and was
sobbing by the time if was over.

--
Hugs,

CatNipped
See all our masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped

See the RPCA FAQ site, created by "Yowie", maintained by Mark Edwards, at:
http://www.professional-geek.net/rpcablog/

Email: L(dot)T(dot)Crews(at)comcast(dot)net

"Cheryl" wrote in message
.com...
If Everyone Cared – Please spay and neuter

With the probable unwelcome assistance of humans, animals that were once
wild evolved into pets that became our companions; non-judgmental and
providers of unconditional love. We helped to domesticate them to be our
pest control, and to some, our family members and for that reason I
believe we have a responsibility for their health and well-being. I have
been a long-time advocate for animal welfare and have volunteered in the
past as a rescue worker, TNR (trap, neuter, release) worker to help
maintain the population of feral cats while letting them live in the way
they have been accustomed to but without bringing more into the world to
suffer and die, and a foster mother to the lucky rescued cats to help them
find "foreverhomes". I recently found a slideshow of photos with an
accompanying song that moved me to tears and reminded me again why I
strongly believe in the mission of asking people to please have your pets
spayed and neutered. Sometimes there is nothing so powerful to get a
message across than using photos, music, videos, or actual accounts from
those involved. I would love to spread the message that pets should be
prevented from reproducing. The song and slideshow that moved me says
more than I can with mere words. Neutering our pets, both male and
female, will reduce the number of homeless domestic animals.

Filled with the emotion that flooded over me as I watched the slideshow
for the first time, and as I listened to the words of the song If Everyone
cared (2007, Youtube.com), I remembered the real life horrors from my
rescue worker days. The photos of the kittens in the slideshow seem to be
screaming out the words “I'm Alive”. I hope that you will watch and
listen and understand the gravity of the situation! Many of the unwanted
pets in the cages within the shelter system wouldn't be there if there
were enough homes for them. The primary solution for this problem is to
have all pets spayed and neutered. The domestic animals in those cages
ARE alive now, and they should take priority over creating new ones! You
might think that if everyone spayed and neutered their pets that this
would be the end to kittens and puppies, but that is so far from the
truth. There will always be those who breed show animals. Those little
innocent beings that aren’t born with the right fur color, the right
temperament, or the right faces and body types will be pets, not show
animals. The breeders will want to find homes for them so they can
continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t show quality are
either given away free of cost, or even turned into animal shelters to be
adopted if they are lucky. In addition to animal breeders for show, there
are those people who don't think the problem is caused by just a single
litter. Many people might not even know there is a problem and might want
to let their pet have just that one litter of babies to teach their
children the miracle of life. Maybe the lesson should rather be the shame
of those who have to die because of that one litter? Better yet, if one
wants their children to experience birth and life, the option is available
to be a foster family of a domestic homeless animal that is already
pregnant. Of course then there are the millions of stray and feral
animals whose offspring make wonderful pets if they are given a chance.
Nickelback wrote as an ending to their song If Everyone Cared “We'd see
the day, we'd see the day When nobody died we’d see the day, we'd see the
day When nobody died we’d see the day when nobody died” (Nickelback,
2006). With so much passion in those words, Nickelback’s theme of the
song is “caring about something to work towards the improvement of human
civilization” (Wikipedia.com, 2011) and not necessarily about spaying and
neutering of pets. However, tied in with the photos of caged domestic
animals, these words reinforce my dedication to this cause. “Nobody died”.
This is worth striving for!

During the years I volunteered in animal rescue, I learned so much about
what goes on in animal shelters. Many of the workers, even those tasked
with destroying the ones that haven’t been rescued in time, especially
those that are turned in by their owners, are very compassionate. The
volunteers give their time willingly to raise money, take animals to
adoption shows and talk about those pets that are with them in need of a
home. There are veterinarians who volunteer their time pro bono or for
very little pay to perform neutering surgeries, treat illnesses and
injuries, and administer vaccinations. Other volunteers write grant pleas
and fill out applications for some of the grants available to charities,
particularly those grants with money set aside just for spay and neuter.
Bob Barker, a famous game show host and TV personality, was, and still is,
very influential in trying to reduce the number of homeless domestic
animals by founding the DJ&T foundation in 1995, whose sole purpose was
offering free or low cost spay and neuter for domestic animals. (2011,
A&E Television Networks) Many financial grants are available in his name
to carry on his passion. Rescue groups and shelters that are given money
from these grants must offer free or low cost community spay and neuter in
return. The web site for his foundation says that he “endowed the
Foundation so that it can go on funding projects indefinitely. “ (2007,
DJ&T Foundation). Since his involvement in animal welfare, he began
ending his show with the words "Help control the pet population. Have your
pets spayed or neutered." and influenced others including his successor,
Drew Carey, to do the same. (2011, Wikipedia.com)

Finding and watching the slideshow I’ve been discussing, and listening to
the music that accompanies it has renewed my passion for the cause of
spaying and neutering all domestic pets. My dream is that no more
domestic dogs, cats, rabbits, and all of the other animals that our
species has converted into pets don’t have to needlessly die. If this
dream comes true, it will end the suffering and death of so many beautiful
animals. There is no excuse for not spaying and neutering, especially
with the resources available to us by the cities, counties and states in
which we live, at least here in the USA. Free and low cost spay and
neuter is available, perhaps it just needs to be advertised better. If
even one person who hasn’t yet spayed or neutered their pet gets the
message from reading this heartfelt article, I will consider myself
successful in spreading my dream, and the dream of so many others who
tirelessly and lovingly give their time for animal welfare.


Sources cited (will be revised in MLA style)

Kristin Bags Jan 17, 2008, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HTkOfyN4ac&feature=fvst

DJ&T Foundation, 2007, retrieved on 7/18/2011 from
http://www.djtfoundation.org/1.htm

Wikipedia.com, 2011, retrieved on 7/18/11 from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Barker

A&E Television Networks, 2011, retrieved on 7/11/2011 from
http://www.biography.com/articles/Bo...9542237?part=1

Nickelback, 2006 If Everyone Cared. Roadrunner Records

--

It is very good, Cheryl. The only part I disgree with is this:

"You might think that if everyone spayed and neutered
their pets that this would be the end to kittens and puppies, but that
is so far from the truth. There will always be those who breed show
animals. Those little innocent beings that aren’t born with the right
fur color, the right temperament, or the right faces and body types will
be pets, not show animals. The breeders will want to find homes for
them so they can continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t
show quality are either given away free of cost, or even turned into
animal shelters to be adopted if they are lucky. "

This is very far from the truth here in the UK. I used to show my whippets
and bred a couple of litters. I was very careful where the pet quality
ones were homed to and asked a decent price for them as well-reared
well-bred puppies.
I was not above turning people away if I thought they were not suitable and
that's why I ended up keeping quite a few of them. I was in the show world
for quite a few years and everyone I got to know there felt the same and
operated the same principles. My friend June who is world famous in the
show whippet world has a waiting list for any pet quality puppies from
people who have had one from her before over the years and it's gone to RB.
I had a few friends in other breeds and they were all the same as this.
I don't want you to demonise show breeders is all I am saying.
The fact that some people breed dogs or cats for showing does not mean that
they do not care as much for the pet quality ones they have reared in the
same litter and started to love. It was very important to me that they got
the best homes possible and they always did.

This might just my UK perspective from my personal experience of being in
the show world - it might be different where you live.


Tweed

Can I give a harsh critque? (And I genuinely mean well in doing so)

It is clearly written and exceptionally well referenced. Well done.

If the point of this assignment was to write about your reaction to a
poignant video clip, you've done pretty well. However, I may be mistaken but
I thought you had to write a /persuasive essay/. I am going to assume your
aim is to /persuade/ people that speutering is necessary. There's several
places where you've made this argument, but your opening paragraph doesn't
set out the argument you are going to make, and there's parts that are
irrelevant to the argument. As it is, it reads more like an opinion peice
rather than an essay.

I'll go through it....

In .com,
Cheryl typed:
If Everyone Cared – Please spay and neuter

With the probable unwelcome assistance of humans, animals that were
once wild evolved into pets that became our companions; non-judgmental
and providers of unconditional love. We helped to domesticate them
to be our pest control, and to some, our family members and for that
reason I believe we have a responsibility for their health and
well-being. I have been a long-time advocate for animal welfare and
have volunteered in the past as a rescue worker, TNR (trap, neuter,
release) worker to help maintain the population of feral cats while
letting them live in the way they have been accustomed to but without
bringing more into the world to suffer and die, and a foster mother
to the lucky rescued cats to help them find "foreverhomes".

This is a pretty good introduction. It sets out the situation. However, it
needs to mention within that first paragraph that you are going to be
talking about the importance of speutering

I
recently found a slideshow of photos with an accompanying song that
moved me to tears and reminded me again why I strongly believe in the
mission of asking people to please have your pets spayed and
neutered. Sometimes there is nothing so powerful to get a message
across than using photos, music, videos, or actual accounts from
those involved. I would love to spread the message that pets should
be prevented from reproducing. The song and slideshow that moved me
says more than I can with mere words. Neutering our pets, both male
and female, will reduce the number of homeless domestic animals.
Filled with the emotion that flooded over me as I watched the
slideshow for the first time, and as I listened to the words of the
song If Everyone cared (2007, Youtube.com),

The clip is an excellent example of why yould shoudl speuter your pets, but
your reaction to it and how a clip plays on emotions is not relevant to the
argument.

I remembered the real
life horrors from my rescue worker days. The photos of the kittens
in the slideshow seem to be screaming out the words “I'm Alive”.

Excellent!

I
hope that you will watch and listen and understand the gravity of the
situation!

No need to add this - this is the point of your argument anyway.

Many of the unwanted pets in the cages within the shelter
system wouldn't be there if there were enough homes for them. The
primary solution for this problem is to have all pets spayed and
neutered. The domestic animals in those cages ARE alive now, and
they should take priority over creating new ones!

Good argument.

You might think

Try 'People might think' - an essay is not a letter to another person, it is
an argument.

that if everyone spayed and neutered their pets that this would be
the end to kittens and puppies, but that is so far from the truth.
There will always be those who breed show animals. Those little
innocent beings that aren’t born with the right fur color, the right
temperament, or the right faces and body types will be pets, not show
animals. The breeders will want to find homes for them so they can
continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t show quality are
either given away free of cost, or even turned into animal shelters
to be adopted if they are lucky. In addition to animal breeders for
show, there are those people who don't think the problem is caused by
just a single litter.

This is a new paragraph as its a new argument

Many people might not even know there is a
problem and might want to let their pet have just that one litter of
babies to teach their children the miracle of life. Maybe the lesson
should rather be the shame of those who have to die because of that
one litter? Better yet, if one wants their children to experience
birth and life, the option is available to be a foster family of a
domestic homeless animal that is already pregnant.

Another argument, another paragraph..

Of course then there are the

"There are also" would sound better as it doesn't start the sentence with a
preposition.

millions of stray and feral animals whose offspring
make wonderful pets if they are given a chance.

Expand - or combine with the animals already in shelters.

Nickelback wrote as
an ending to their song If Everyone Cared “We'd see the day, we'd see
the day When nobody died we’d see the day, we'd see the day When
nobody died we’d see the day when nobody died” (Nickelback, 2006). With
so much passion in those words, Nickelback’s theme of the song
is “caring about something to work towards the improvement of human
civilization” (Wikipedia.com, 2011) and not necessarily about spaying
and neutering of pets. However, tied in with the photos of caged
domestic animals, these words reinforce my dedication to this cause.
“Nobody died”.

Sorry, but so what? Nickelback wrote an awesome song, yes. And it could
easily apply to the issue of animal welfare, yes. But what does it have to
do with whether everyone should speuter their pets?

This is worth striving for!

*Why?*

During the years I volunteered in animal rescue, I learned so much
about what goes on in animal shelters. Many of the workers, even
those tasked with destroying the ones that haven’t been rescued in
time, especially those that are turned in by their owners, are very
compassionate. The volunteers give their time willingly to raise
money, take animals to adoption shows and talk about those pets that
are with them in need of a home. There are veterinarians who
volunteer their time pro bono or for very little pay to perform
neutering surgeries, treat illnesses and injuries, and administer
vaccinations. Other volunteers write grant pleas and fill out
applications for some of the grants available to charities,
particularly those grants with money set aside just for spay and
neuter. Bob Barker, a famous game show host and TV personality,
was, and still is, very influential in trying to reduce the number of
homeless domestic animals by founding the DJ&T foundation in 1995,
whose sole purpose was offering free or low cost spay and neuter for
domestic animals. (2011, A&E Television Networks) Many financial
grants are available in his name to carry on his passion. Rescue
groups and shelters that are given money from these grants must offer
free or low cost community spay and neuter in return. The web site
for his foundation says that he “endowed the Foundation so that it
can go on funding projects indefinitely. “ (2007, DJ&T Foundation). Since
his involvement in animal welfare, he began ending his show
with the words "Help control the pet population. Have your pets
spayed or neutered." and influenced others including his successor,
Drew Carey, to do the same. (2011, Wikipedia.com)

This is all about general animal welfare. Besides the fact that most
shelters offer low cost speutering, it is irrelevant to the argument that
spaying & neutering is necessary.


Finding and watching the slideshow I’ve been discussing, and listening
to the music that accompanies it has renewed my passion for the cause
of spaying and neutering all domestic pets.

Again, its nice that you are passionate, but does nothing to advance the
idea that speutering is necessary

My dream is that no more
domestic dogs, cats, rabbits, and all of the other animals that our
species has converted into pets don’t have to needlessly die. If this
dream comes true, it will end the suffering and death of so many
beautiful animals.

This is an argument that needs to be expanded. Why should we care about
animal death?

There is no excuse for not spaying and neutering,
especially with the resources available to us by the cities, counties
and states in which we live, at least here in the USA. Free and low
cost spay and neuter is available,

Excellent argument - expand!

perhaps it just needs to be
advertised better.

You aren't here to argue why people don't bother to speuter. However, if you
think 'lack of advertising' is an issue, then either argue that if people
knew how important spuetering truly was, they'd easily be able to find low
cost speutering, or alternatibvely argue that low cost speuatering should
be advertised more. Don't give points to the 'opposition'

If even one person who hasn’t yet spayed or
neutered their pet gets the message from reading this heartfelt
article, I will consider myself successful in spreading my dream,

Don't refer to your essay as a 'heartfelt article' - it is not a *plea*, it
is a logical *argument*

and
the dream of so many others who tirelessly and lovingly give their
time for animal welfare.

This is a *fantastic* ending!

snip references

See, you've got most of a really STRONG persusasive essay right here. It
needs to be polished, but you've got all the ground work necessary. Well
done!

Yowie, removing school-ma'am hat now.

On 7/20/2011 10:03 PM, Yowie wrote:


See, you've got most of a really STRONG persusasive essay right here. It
needs to be polished, but you've got all the ground work necessary. Well
done!

Yowie, removing school-ma'am hat now.

It was a weird assignment. I had to take something from the arts and
explain why it influenced me to take some sort of action and explain why
others should feel the same way after reading my essay. I explained to
my professor that I wanted to write a persuasive essay about this topic
and she suggested using youtube to find a video to use as a basis, even
knowing that I wasn't persuaded by it, I already knew it. So it was
sort of backwards.

I appreciate the feedback! My sister had similar, but she has the
benefit of knowing me personally and said that my real heart wasn't in
it. I'm not sure I really can express myself like that anymore.

On 7/20/2011 10:03 PM, Yowie wrote:
Can I give a harsh critque? (And I genuinely mean well in doing so)

It is clearly written and exceptionally well referenced. Well done.

If the point of this assignment was to write about your reaction to a
poignant video clip, you've done pretty well. However, I may be mistaken but
I thought you had to write a /persuasive essay/. I am going to assume your
aim is to /persuade/ people that speutering is necessary. There's several
places where you've made this argument, but your opening paragraph doesn't
set out the argument you are going to make, and there's parts that are
irrelevant to the argument. As it is, it reads more like an opinion peice
rather than an essay.

I'll go through it....

In .com,
typed:
If Everyone Cared – Please spay and neuter

With the probable unwelcome assistance of humans, animals that were
once wild evolved into pets that became our companions; non-judgmental
and providers of unconditional love. We helped to domesticate them
to be our pest control, and to some, our family members and for that
reason I believe we have a responsibility for their health and
well-being. I have been a long-time advocate for animal welfare and
have volunteered in the past as a rescue worker, TNR (trap, neuter,
release) worker to help maintain the population of feral cats while
letting them live in the way they have been accustomed to but without
bringing more into the world to suffer and die, and a foster mother
to the lucky rescued cats to help them find "foreverhomes".

This is a pretty good introduction. It sets out the situation. However, it
needs to mention within that first paragraph that you are going to be
talking about the importance of speutering

I
recently found a slideshow of photos with an accompanying song that
moved me to tears and reminded me again why I strongly believe in the
mission of asking people to please have your pets spayed and
neutered. Sometimes there is nothing so powerful to get a message
across than using photos, music, videos, or actual accounts from
those involved. I would love to spread the message that pets should
be prevented from reproducing. The song and slideshow that moved me
says more than I can with mere words. Neutering our pets, both male
and female, will reduce the number of homeless domestic animals.
Filled with the emotion that flooded over me as I watched the
slideshow for the first time, and as I listened to the words of the
song If Everyone cared (2007, Youtube.com),

The clip is an excellent example of why yould shoudl speuter your pets, but
your reaction to it and how a clip plays on emotions is not relevant to the
argument.

I remembered the real
life horrors from my rescue worker days. The photos of the kittens
in the slideshow seem to be screaming out the words “I'm Alive”.

Excellent!

I
hope that you will watch and listen and understand the gravity of the
situation!

No need to add this - this is the point of your argument anyway.

Many of the unwanted pets in the cages within the shelter
system wouldn't be there if there were enough homes for them. The
primary solution for this problem is to have all pets spayed and
neutered. The domestic animals in those cages ARE alive now, and
they should take priority over creating new ones!

Good argument.

You might think

Try 'People might think' - an essay is not a letter to another person, it is
an argument.

that if everyone spayed and neutered their pets that this would be
the end to kittens and puppies, but that is so far from the truth.
There will always be those who breed show animals. Those little
innocent beings that aren’t born with the right fur color, the right
temperament, or the right faces and body types will be pets, not show
animals. The breeders will want to find homes for them so they can
continue breeding. Often, those animals that aren’t show quality are
either given away free of cost, or even turned into animal shelters
to be adopted if they are lucky. In addition to animal breeders for
show, there are those people who don't think the problem is caused by
just a single litter.

This is a new paragraph as its a new argument

Many people might not even know there is a
problem and might want to let their pet have just that one litter of
babies to teach their children the miracle of life. Maybe the lesson
should rather be the shame of those who have to die because of that
one litter? Better yet, if one wants their children to experience
birth and life, the option is available to be a foster family of a
domestic homeless animal that is already pregnant.

Another argument, another paragraph..

Of course then there are the

"There are also" would sound better as it doesn't start the sentence with a
preposition.

millions of stray and feral animals whose offspring
make wonderful pets if they are given a chance.

Expand - or combine with the animals already in shelters.

Nickelback wrote as
an ending to their song If Everyone Cared “We'd see the day, we'd see
the day When nobody died we’d see the day, we'd see the day When
nobody died we’d see the day when nobody died” (Nickelback, 2006). With
so much passion in those words, Nickelback’s theme of the song
is “caring about something to work towards the improvement of human
civilization” (Wikipedia.com, 2011) and not necessarily about spaying
and neutering of pets. However, tied in with the photos of caged
domestic animals, these words reinforce my dedication to this cause.
“Nobody died”.

Sorry, but so what? Nickelback wrote an awesome song, yes. And it could
easily apply to the issue of animal welfare, yes. But what does it have to
do with whether everyone should speuter their pets?

This is worth striving for!

*Why?*

During the years I volunteered in animal rescue, I learned so much
about what goes on in animal shelters. Many of the workers, even
those tasked with destroying the ones that haven’t been rescued in
time, especially those that are turned in by their owners, are very
compassionate. The volunteers give their time willingly to raise
money, take animals to adoption shows and talk about those pets that
are with them in need of a home. There are veterinarians who
volunteer their time pro bono or for very little pay to perform
neutering surgeries, treat illnesses and injuries, and administer
vaccinations. Other volunteers write grant pleas and fill out
applications for some of the grants available to charities,
particularly those grants with money set aside just for spay and
neuter. Bob Barker, a famous game show host and TV personality,
was, and still is, very influential in trying to reduce the number of
homeless domestic animals by founding the DJ&T foundation in 1995,
whose sole purpose was offering free or low cost spay and neuter for
domestic animals. (2011, A&E Television Networks) Many financial
grants are available in his name to carry on his passion. Rescue
groups and shelters that are given money from these grants must offer
free or low cost community spay and neuter in return. The web site
for his foundation says that he “endowed the Foundation so that it
can go on funding projects indefinitely. “ (2007, DJ&T Foundation). Since
his involvement in animal welfare, he began ending his show
with the words "Help control the pet population. Have your pets
spayed or neutered." and influenced others including his successor,
Drew Carey, to do the same. (2011, Wikipedia.com)

This is all about general animal welfare. Besides the fact that most
shelters offer low cost speutering, it is irrelevant to the argument that
spaying& neutering is necessary.


Finding and watching the slideshow I’ve been discussing, and listening
to the music that accompanies it has renewed my passion for the cause
of spaying and neutering all domestic pets.

Again, its nice that you are passionate, but does nothing to advance the
idea that speutering is necessary

My dream is that no more
domestic dogs, cats, rabbits, and all of the other animals that our
species has converted into pets don’t have to needlessly die. If this
dream comes true, it will end the suffering and death of so many
beautiful animals.

This is an argument that needs to be expanded. Why should we care about
animal death?

There is no excuse for not spaying and neutering,
especially with the resources available to us by the cities, counties
and states in which we live, at least here in the USA. Free and low
cost spay and neuter is available,

Excellent argument - expand!

perhaps it just needs to be
advertised better.

You aren't here to argue why people don't bother to speuter. However, if you
think 'lack of advertising' is an issue, then either argue that if people
knew how important spuetering truly was, they'd easily be able to find low
cost speutering, or alternatibvely argue that low cost speuatering should
be advertised more. Don't give points to the 'opposition'

If even one person who hasn’t yet spayed or
neutered their pet gets the message from reading this heartfelt
article, I will consider myself successful in spreading my dream,

Don't refer to your essay as a 'heartfelt article' - it is not a *plea*, it
is a logical *argument*

and
the dream of so many others who tirelessly and lovingly give their
time for animal welfare.

This is a *fantastic* ending!

snip references

See, you've got most of a really STRONG persusasive essay right here. It
needs to be polished, but you've got all the ground work necessary. Well
done!

Yowie, removing school-ma'am hat now.



PS to my last reply. I am saving all of your comments to use for future
writing because you offered some very good advice and food for thought
and I thank you.


--
Cheryl
Come carpe diem baby - Metallica