I forgot

On May 16, 2:41*pm, "Christina Websell"
wrote:
.. *I
want to know *why* if someone finds an old cat with the sneezies in the
street, they just don't knock on a few neighbours doors to see if they can
find out where she lives

As I've said before that would have been my first reaction to knock on
doors and ask people if KFC was their cat or did they know whose cat
she was?

When Hugh found his Bandit even through it was after midnight he did
just that luckily for her no-one claimed her so she's now living with
a proper devoted slave

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

"CN" wrote in message
...
"Christina Websell" wrote in message
Thanks. They will come, I am sure, but at the moment I am still battling
the "what-ifs"
What if I hadn't got ill, what if that person was not walking past and
saw her, what if I'd firmly shut the back door to keep her in when I had
to go to hospital, even though Boyfie was out? It would have meant him
spending the night outside until June got there in the morning.
So many what-ifs.

Tweed

You have to stop the "what if" game, Tweed. I can tell you from
experience that it can drive you mad and serves absolutely no good
purpose. "What if" will not change what happened, it will only lessen
your ability to cope with what happened.

I know it's hard, but you have to let go of the guilt - you did nothing at
all wrong now did you? Did you deliberately leave the door open thinking
that KFC would get out, get picked up and euthanized??! No, of course you
didn't! You were being rushed to hospital to have emergency surgery!!
Events happened that were beyond your ability to predict or change.

Let it go or let it forever sour your memories of your beloved pet - your
choice. I know that's harsh, but think about it - do you really want to
only remember KFC with guilt and hurt and "what ifs"? Of course you
don't, sweetie... cry it out and let it go.

I think it's part of the grieving process that I need to go through. My
head says it was not my fault but my heart says something else.
It will take time to work through the what-ifs. It is not as simple as
crying it out and letting it go.
One day only the happy memories will remain, but that time is not quite yet.

Tweed

"CN" wrote in message
...


If someone had thought he was lost, they would have reported him but even

With the three legged boy is it possible he may have run afoul of a fox?
I know you said they don't usually take on cats, but he might have had a
disadvantage because of his missing leg.

It's possible and his owner & I did discuss it. She wants to think not as
he is so big, but in truth with a front leg missing so he has only one to
fight with and he wouldn't be able to rush up a tree I cannot discount it at
the time of year when the fox cubs need meat.
I will not mention it to his owner again. It is a horrifying possibility
that she doesn't need me to remind her of.
Most foxes do not take cats but *some* do.

Like you, I don't think I could ever forget what was done - just the
trauma of it would remain with me (and, as a fellow Scorpio, I know that
we never, ever, ever forget a wrong done us, even if we don't avenge it -
no, I don't really believe in astrology, but it is mighty coincidental
that so many Scorpios I know seem to have this same trait!)

I am Sagittarius. 1 December

Tweed

On Sat, 16 May 2009 21:42:53 -0500, CN wrote:

Like you, I don't think I could ever forget what was done - just the
trauma of it would remain with me (and, as a fellow Scorpio, I know that
we never, ever, ever forget a wrong done us, even if we don't avenge it
- no, I don't really believe in astrology, but it is mighty coincidental
that so many Scorpios I know seem to have this same trait!)

Hugs,

CatNipped

Here's another data point for you. When my ex-wife and I wore having
problems so many years ago I told her that I could most likely forgive
her but could never forget. I forget a lot of stuff I don't want to
(appointments, etc), but never when I get screwed with or get hurt in
some way. It's not out of a desire to prolong discomfort, it's just the
way I am - I CAN'T forget when someone stabs me in the back. Ever.

And I am a Scorpio.

I don't really believe in astrology either, but a lot of people I've run
in to who are identified as Scorpios do seem to share a lot of
characteristics with me. So as much as the engineer and scientist in my
would like to state with certainty "There's no such thing", I can't quite
do that. There's just enough anecdotal evidence to make me wonder.

Dan

Judith Latham wrote:


I'm sagittarius too (26th November) and never forget, I do forgive.
(Sometimes.) I don't tend to avenge because I believe that what goes round
usually comes round.

Judith (Worrying what's coming round to me)


I used to 'forgive' but not forget, but I gave that up. It doesn't seem
to be really forgiving if I've still got the offense in my mind all the
time, and anyway, I'd rather get on with life rather than spend time
thinking about people who aren't really worth the bother. Now, I'm not
saying I don't remember old offenses if something reminds me, but most
of the time, I don't even think about old grudges, and I'm a lot happier
for it.

I'm a sagittarius too, for what that's worth. I don't even know any more
what we're supposed to be like!

Cheryl

On 19 May 2009 20:55:29 GMT, Dan M wrote:

I don't really believe in astrology either, but a lot of people I've run
in to who are identified as Scorpios do seem to share a lot of
characteristics with me. So as much as the engineer and scientist in my
would like to state with certainty "There's no such thing", I can't quite
do that. There's just enough anecdotal evidence to make me wonder.

A long time ago the late Bill Bixby was the presenter on a Fox
television show featuring a bunch of psychics and new agers. One was
an astrologer. They took a group of 12 people, had them fill out
personality questionnaires, and had the astrologer pick their sun
signs based on the answers in the questionnaires. The payoff came
when they lined up the people in sun sign order as predicted by the
astrologer and then had the people change places according to their
actual birth dates. The astrologer got them exactly 100% wrong. I
had to laugh at the shocked expression on the astrologer's face when
they lead him off-stage.

Bud

"William Hamblen" wrote in message
...
On 19 May 2009 20:55:29 GMT, Dan M wrote:

I don't really believe in astrology either, but a lot of people I've
run
in to who are identified as Scorpios do seem to share a lot of
characteristics with me. So as much as the engineer and scientist in
my
would like to state with certainty "There's no such thing", I can't
quite
do that. There's just enough anecdotal evidence to make me wonder.

A long time ago the late Bill Bixby was the presenter on a Fox
television show featuring a bunch of psychics and new agers. One
was
an astrologer. They took a group of 12 people, had them fill out
personality questionnaires, and had the astrologer pick their sun
signs based on the answers in the questionnaires. The payoff came
when they lined up the people in sun sign order as predicted by the
astrologer and then had the people change places according to their
actual birth dates. The astrologer got them exactly 100% wrong. I
had to laugh at the shocked expression on the astrologer's face when
they lead him off-stage.

Bud

Charlie is a Scorpio (Nov 14) and in forty years I've never seen him
hold a grudge at all.

He is better at 'just act like it never happened' than anyone I've
ever met.

Now my mother had a 'perfect' memory for slights and faults. Didn't
like that about herself, but couldn't seem to help it. She was born
in March.

Personally I think it has more to do with a form of attachment
disorder.

Jo

Cheryl P. wrote:

I used to 'forgive' but not forget, but I gave that up. It doesn't seem
to be really forgiving if I've still got the offense in my mind all the
time, and anyway, I'd rather get on with life rather than spend time
thinking about people who aren't really worth the bother. Now, I'm not
saying I don't remember old offenses if something reminds me, but most
of the time, I don't even think about old grudges, and I'm a lot happier
for it.

This is an interesting topic.

What I've found is that when someone sincerely apologizes to me for
having hurt me, and I can see that they "get it" - they understand why
I was hurt - it's very easy for me to forgive the person. When I know
that the person really means well toward me, and can admit screwing up,
I simply don't feel angry anymore. I can't even remember a time in my
life when someone approached me with heartfelt regret about their having
caused me pain, where I refused to accept their apology. Perhaps nobody
has ever done anything to me that I would consider unforgiveable. Or
maybe it's just that I accept the fact that life is full of mistakes,
and when people interact, they inevitably step on each other's toes from
time to time, intentionally or not. I'm hardly perfect myself.

I wouldn't say I completely *forget* things like this. Those incidents
are filed in my memory, along with all the other good and bad memories
of my life. But they don't occupy space in my conscious mind very often
anymore. If I do occasionally think of one of those incidents, it's
usually with a sense of peace and acceptance, a knowledge that the hurt
feelings have been healed.

It's much harder for me to forgive someone when they don't admit to
what they've done, or don't acknowledge the pain it caused me, etc.
I try to let go of such things, but they tend to stick around and rankle
me. Even if I try not to dwell on it, I still have painful or bitter
thoughts whenever I'm reminded of it. It's hard to let go of anger in
a vacuum.

My father was very emotionally abusive toward me for my entire childhood,
and 50 years later, I'm still hurting over a lot of it. If he were ever
to offer a sincere and honest apology, I know that would be very healing,
and I would start to feel forgiveness. It's not an easy thing to forgive,
and it would probably be a long process, but I certainly wouldn't shut
the door in his face and say I'll never forgive him. That just doesn't
make sense to me.

Unfortunately, he has never offered an apology. He has tried to re-
establish contact with me after I didn't talk to him for 20 years, and
we've had sporadic contact over the last several years, but he hasn't
ever acknowledged or taken any responsibility for how he treated me,
or expressed any regret over it. Makes it a lot harder for me to overlook
it whenever I do have contact with him, which I tend to avoid doing!

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.

wrote:

This is an interesting topic.
snip
Unfortunately, he has never offered an apology. He has tried to re-
establish contact with me after I didn't talk to him for 20 years, and
we've had sporadic contact over the last several years, but he hasn't
ever acknowledged or taken any responsibility for how he treated me,
or expressed any regret over it. Makes it a lot harder for me to overlook
it whenever I do have contact with him, which I tend to avoid doing!


Yes, the real challenge is forgiving - and getting over - the actions of
people who either don't realize what they've done, or won't or can't
apologize. There's family members, of course, but also former friends or
co-workers who have moved on and you'll probably never see again, and in
extreme cases, people who die without becoming reconciled with you. But
forgiving is a lot better than letting those people and their actions
fester in your head. But it's not easy.

I, too, find a proper apology makes things easier. I don't much
appreciate the conditional apology - 'Well, if I hurt your feelings, I
apologize' - or the apologies which are followed, sooner or later, by
exactly the same offence and yet another apology. I try not to do those
things myself to others.

I don't think that I am by nature a very forgiving person, which is why
I've given the issue some thought and tried to change the way I respond
to people who hurt me. I think that's better than brooding over my
wrongs, but I admit that there are situations in which I've had to work
for a long time to deal with and forgive, and then soemthing might bring
the memories back, so I have to do it again! But the grudges do get
weaker and weaker.

This approach also gives me more power in the broken relationship. I'm
not letting the other person's disappearance or lack of understanding or
unwillingness to apologize get in the way of me dealing with my hurt and
moving on.

Cheryl

Cheryl P. wrote:

Yes, the real challenge is forgiving - and getting over - the actions of
people who either don't realize what they've done, or won't or can't
apologize. There's family members, of course, but also former friends or
co-workers who have moved on and you'll probably never see again, and in
extreme cases, people who die without becoming reconciled with you. But
forgiving is a lot better than letting those people and their actions
fester in your head. But it's not easy.

No, it's not! A lot of times, I *think* I've let something go - I really,
sincerely *want* to let it go since it's not making anything better to
hold a grudge, and it's just making me feel bad. So I tell myself and
others that I've let it go, and then later I find that I'm still just as
angry, but I was in denial about it. It's hard to tell the difference
between denial and real acceptance sometimes. Maybe I've never felt real
acceptance about unresolved offenses.

I, too, find a proper apology makes things easier. I don't much
appreciate the conditional apology - 'Well, if I hurt your feelings, I
apologize' - or the apologies which are followed, sooner or later, by
exactly the same offence and yet another apology.

Well, yeah, there's that - the person who does the same crappy thing
and then shows up with flowers the next day. Over and over again. At
first, if they're sincere, I'll believe them and I accept the apology.
But after a while, it becomes obvious that sincerity isn't the same
thing as honesty. The person might mean it, they might really be sorry,
in the moment. But if a person's not honest with him/herself, they won't
be able to be honest with me, either.

--
Joyce ^..^

To email me, remove the XXX from my user name.