If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#231
|
|||
|
|||
Cheryl wrote: Pam, in my experience of having lost my son, people in general don't like to talk about horrifying things (to them) because either they don't know what to say, or they don't want to upset you. I read a poem on alt.support.grief that fit me totally, and it helps to understand both why people don't say what you expect them to say, and why we react when they either do or don't say something. I'm going to post it, but I don't expect many to understand it. You Can't Win With Me by Jane Warland~1996 If you say to me, "How are you doing?," With such sympathy and meaning in your voice, I reply, "I'm fine," And brush you off, Because to talk about my loss with you is just too painful. If you see me And don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts, I think you don't care enough, Or are too scared to mention it For fear that you might upset me. You can't win with me. If you say, "I'm sorry your son died," It is hard for me to reply to that. What do you expect me to say? I want to say, "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful!" I want to scream, "It's not fair!!" But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, Not in front of you. So I reply, "Thank you." That thanks means so much more than that. It means thanks for caring, Thanks for trying to help, Thanks for realizing that I'm still in pain. If you don't know what to say to me, that's okay. Because I don't know what to say to you either. If you see me smile or laugh, Don't assume I must have forgotten my son for the moment. I haven't, I can't, I never will. Tell me that I look good today. I will know what you mean. I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you. If you see me and think I look upset or sad, You are probably right. Today might be an anniversary day for me, Or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me. If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me, But if you do say something, It might make me feel worse. You could try asking if I want to talk, But don't be surprised if I say no. You can't win with me. Don't give up on me, please don't give up. I need your attempts however feeble, However trite you might feel they are. I need your thoughts. I need your prayers. I need your love. I need your persistence. I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally, Like it used to be before all of this happened. But I know it's impossible. That carefree, naive person is gone forever, And I am mourning that loss too. So you can't win with me. HUGS Cheryl I wish I knew what to say to you, but like a lot of people dealing with Rob, I don't know how to reply to this. Just that the poem is similar to dealing with cancer as well. Part of the person is gone and it will never come back, and things will never be the same as they were before. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, losing a loved one quickly, or slowly. Pam S. |
#232
|
|||
|
|||
Cheryl wrote: Pam, in my experience of having lost my son, people in general don't like to talk about horrifying things (to them) because either they don't know what to say, or they don't want to upset you. I read a poem on alt.support.grief that fit me totally, and it helps to understand both why people don't say what you expect them to say, and why we react when they either do or don't say something. I'm going to post it, but I don't expect many to understand it. You Can't Win With Me by Jane Warland~1996 If you say to me, "How are you doing?," With such sympathy and meaning in your voice, I reply, "I'm fine," And brush you off, Because to talk about my loss with you is just too painful. If you see me And don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts, I think you don't care enough, Or are too scared to mention it For fear that you might upset me. You can't win with me. If you say, "I'm sorry your son died," It is hard for me to reply to that. What do you expect me to say? I want to say, "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful!" I want to scream, "It's not fair!!" But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, Not in front of you. So I reply, "Thank you." That thanks means so much more than that. It means thanks for caring, Thanks for trying to help, Thanks for realizing that I'm still in pain. If you don't know what to say to me, that's okay. Because I don't know what to say to you either. If you see me smile or laugh, Don't assume I must have forgotten my son for the moment. I haven't, I can't, I never will. Tell me that I look good today. I will know what you mean. I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you. If you see me and think I look upset or sad, You are probably right. Today might be an anniversary day for me, Or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me. If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me, But if you do say something, It might make me feel worse. You could try asking if I want to talk, But don't be surprised if I say no. You can't win with me. Don't give up on me, please don't give up. I need your attempts however feeble, However trite you might feel they are. I need your thoughts. I need your prayers. I need your love. I need your persistence. I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally, Like it used to be before all of this happened. But I know it's impossible. That carefree, naive person is gone forever, And I am mourning that loss too. So you can't win with me. HUGS Cheryl I wish I knew what to say to you, but like a lot of people dealing with Rob, I don't know how to reply to this. Just that the poem is similar to dealing with cancer as well. Part of the person is gone and it will never come back, and things will never be the same as they were before. Sometimes I wonder which is worse, losing a loved one quickly, or slowly. Pam S. |
#233
|
|||
|
|||
|
#234
|
|||
|
|||
|
#235
|
|||
|
|||
|
#236
|
|||
|
|||
In article . net, Tanada wrote: I'm not weird, I'm extremely strange. Unique is a good word. Suz Macmoosette My cats are very good at niquing up on their prey... Grrrrooooooaaaaaaaaan! Suz Macmoosette Thank Heavens There's Only One =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= Waiting for inspiration. Please hold while I contemplate my navel. |\__/| (=':'=) (")_(") |
#237
|
|||
|
|||
In article . net, Tanada wrote: I'm not weird, I'm extremely strange. Unique is a good word. Suz Macmoosette My cats are very good at niquing up on their prey... Grrrrooooooaaaaaaaaan! Suz Macmoosette Thank Heavens There's Only One =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= Waiting for inspiration. Please hold while I contemplate my navel. |\__/| (=':'=) (")_(") |
#238
|
|||
|
|||
In article . net, Tanada wrote: I'm not weird, I'm extremely strange. Unique is a good word. Suz Macmoosette My cats are very good at niquing up on their prey... Grrrrooooooaaaaaaaaan! Suz Macmoosette Thank Heavens There's Only One =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= =^..^= Waiting for inspiration. Please hold while I contemplate my navel. |\__/| (=':'=) (")_(") |
#239
|
|||
|
|||
I had a heart attack in 1999. When I subsequently got my medical
records from the hospital, I discovered that one of the doctors had been concerned by my "flat affect" -- in other words, he felt that I was too calm, not worried enough. Once I had made it to the hospital, I figured that I was in good hands, and went back to my usual analytical personality, asking the doctors questions about my condition and treatment. On another hospital visit, one of the doctors asked me if I was an engineer. When I told him that I was a computer programmer, he said that he had figured it was something like that. Such people, who methodically analyze problems at work, tend to do the same thing when faced with medical issues. That's interesting. I found cardiologists to be clueless about anything except cardiology. I went to the ER for jaw pain. I thought I had TMJ or something. They decided because of an irregular EKG to run a heart cath. The arteries in my heart were blocked so badly they didn't even bother waking me up to tell me they were going to do a quadruple bypass. So I wake up and figure something went terribly wrong. Long story short, I ended up with 11 incisions, a carotid bypass, femoral bypass besides the heart bypasses. About the third day the vascular surgeon walked in and said, "You seem depressed." Well, duh, Sherlock. Sherry |
#240
|
|||
|
|||
I had a heart attack in 1999. When I subsequently got my medical
records from the hospital, I discovered that one of the doctors had been concerned by my "flat affect" -- in other words, he felt that I was too calm, not worried enough. Once I had made it to the hospital, I figured that I was in good hands, and went back to my usual analytical personality, asking the doctors questions about my condition and treatment. On another hospital visit, one of the doctors asked me if I was an engineer. When I told him that I was a computer programmer, he said that he had figured it was something like that. Such people, who methodically analyze problems at work, tend to do the same thing when faced with medical issues. That's interesting. I found cardiologists to be clueless about anything except cardiology. I went to the ER for jaw pain. I thought I had TMJ or something. They decided because of an irregular EKG to run a heart cath. The arteries in my heart were blocked so badly they didn't even bother waking me up to tell me they were going to do a quadruple bypass. So I wake up and figure something went terribly wrong. Long story short, I ended up with 11 incisions, a carotid bypass, femoral bypass besides the heart bypasses. About the third day the vascular surgeon walked in and said, "You seem depressed." Well, duh, Sherlock. Sherry |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Purrs for Brandy please!!! | Victor Martinez | Cat anecdotes | 57 | August 19th 04 05:12 PM |
Brandy Update! | Singh | Cat anecdotes | 18 | August 18th 04 07:29 AM |