[OT] Tactfulness, thy name is Mom (not)

On 2005-06-26, CatNipped penned:

Yep, me too. I made a concious effort to tell my children, at least
once a day, how smart and beautiful they were. Even now I tell my
daughter what a good mother she is, how gorgeous she is, how smart
she is (she's going for a B.S. in nursing and she's acing all her
courses!) And I tell my son what a good, strong, caring husband and
father he is and how brilliant he is (he is *amazingly* creative).

That's great =)

If you asked my mom, she'd probably say that she does this, too. She
honestly believes that she is doing these things. I know that she is
very proud of me in a variety of ways. But that's not what she
usually vocalizes.

I wish people would realize that if they want to change a person for
the better then they should quit criticizing and start
complimenting.

I've also noticed that wearing more revealing or nice clothing seems
to help me avoid food temptation. Again, positive feedback. ("I look
nice, and to keep looking nice I should avoid eating those Krispy
Kremes my company set out on the counter ...")

The more you compliment a person, they harder they
will try to live up to your good opinion in order to not only get
more praise, but to feel they deserve the praise they're getting.

I agree with this 100%.

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
On 2005-06-26, jmcquown penned:

You can sort of see what I mean here, although my hair in this photo
is looking more reddish than blonde! Also no makeup but then I
rarely wear it when we're working the shows out in the heat... melts
right off your face.

http://community.webshots.com/photo/...79447333ryOWhN

Jill

Looks perfectly natural (and nice) to me!

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Thank you, Monique! Too bad my eyelashes didn't decide to be as dark as my
eyebrows! They are very long but also blonde and I hate mascara; I hate
"raccoon eyes". For a while when I had a regular income I was ordering
eyelash dye from the UK (in my area they want $35 in a salon to dye your
eyelashes!). I may need to do that again. It was a perfectly safe
vegetable dye and basically lasted as long as your eyelashes do (about 6
weeks ending only as they shed naturally). It was about 6 applications and
$11 USD, IIRC. Hmmm. My birthday is next month. And I *did* just get paid
for helping with the Memphis show. I think I need to treat myself!

Jill

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote:

The more you compliment a person, they harder they
will try to live up to your good opinion in order to not only get
more praise, but to feel they deserve the praise they're getting.

I agree with this 100%.


This is how my mother raised me, and it worked to keep me
focused on trying to be a better person and do the right thing.
I only wish I could once in my life live up to how brilliant
and beautiful and funny and etc. that she and my Dad thought
I was. I have had the distinct impression that the general
public is just not *quite* as impressed with me as they
were! G

On 2005-06-26, Mischief penned:

This is why I don't talk to my mother that often. This is why I
don't fly home and visit often. And this is why I don't plan to
have kids. I worry a lot just like my mother, and I know if I have
kids I will worry all the time, but I'm sure as hell not going to
put my kid through what my parents have put me through. And I know
it is emotionally painful for them to have to deal with me, and I'm
not going to go through that either.

I'm lucky in that I do generally have a great relationship with both
of my parents; there are just certain issues ... well, everyone has
some, right? I just wish my mom realized how hurtful some of the
things she says are.

My mom also believes that she's in great shape because she's lost a
lot of weight. Now, I'll be the first to admit that she looks great,
but that's not enough. She quickly gets out of breath with even a
small amount of effort. When my aunt and I encouraged her to join us
for yoga (I just started while at my aunt's), it was scary to see how
inflexible my mother is. She has no balance, no muscle tone, no
flexibility. She's always been a klutz (so am I, for that matter),
but I'm worried that as she gets older, she'll be falling a lot and
.... well, we all know how bad a broken bone is for an older person,
especially a woman. Unfortunately, the yoga was so difficult for her
that I think she will avoid going to the classes near her house. Yoga
would help her a ton.

So it's particularly frustrating to have my mom railing on me for my
weight when I feel that, despite most certainly having about 20 extra
pounds, I am in pretty good shape, and I'm actually deathly afraid for
my mom as she gets older.


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

"Mary" wrote in message ...

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote:

The more you compliment a person, they harder they
will try to live up to your good opinion in order to not only get
more praise, but to feel they deserve the praise they're getting.

I agree with this 100%.


This is how my mother raised me, and it worked to keep me
focused on trying to be a better person and do the right thing.
I only wish I could once in my life live up to how brilliant
and beautiful and funny and etc. that she and my Dad thought
I was. I have had the distinct impression that the general
public is just not *quite* as impressed with me as they
were! G

LOL No, but I bet they gave you the self-confidence to not worry about what
other people think of you! [I worried for a while that my son had *too*
much self-confidence, he always thought he could do *anything*, but it turns
out he was right!!!] ;

Hugs,

CatNipped

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
On 2005-06-26, Mischief penned:

This is why I don't talk to my mother that often. This is why I
don't fly home and visit often. And this is why I don't plan to
have kids. I worry a lot just like my mother, and I know if I have
kids I will worry all the time, but I'm sure as hell not going to
put my kid through what my parents have put me through. And I know
it is emotionally painful for them to have to deal with me, and I'm
not going to go through that either.

I'm lucky in that I do generally have a great relationship with both
of my parents; there are just certain issues ... well, everyone has
some, right? I just wish my mom realized how hurtful some of the
things she says are.

My mom also believes that she's in great shape because she's lost a
lot of weight. Now, I'll be the first to admit that she looks great,
but that's not enough. She quickly gets out of breath with even a
small amount of effort. When my aunt and I encouraged her to join us
for yoga (I just started while at my aunt's), it was scary to see how
inflexible my mother is. She has no balance, no muscle tone, no
flexibility. She's always been a klutz (so am I, for that matter),
but I'm worried that as she gets older, she'll be falling a lot and
... well, we all know how bad a broken bone is for an older person,
especially a woman. Unfortunately, the yoga was so difficult for her
that I think she will avoid going to the classes near her house. Yoga
would help her a ton.

So it's particularly frustrating to have my mom railing on me for my
weight when I feel that, despite most certainly having about 20 extra
pounds, I am in pretty good shape, and I'm actually deathly afraid for
my mom as she gets older.

She really needs to start exercising or she's going to have trouble not only
with falling, but with osteoporosis!

Hugs,

CatNipped

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

On 2005-06-26, Charleen Welton penned:

Ah Monique how I wish I had heard that quote many years ago. I,
like you, love my mom, but oh the connection between her brain and
her mouth is like a slide with no buffers or stops. My family and I
were approaching the gathering where there was in progress the
celebration of my dear Grandfather 93rd birthday. Mother had
arrived before we had. I was walking up to join the family. I take
after her in that I am stocky, that day I was wearing a dark purple
dress with rick rack trim. She stated loudly as we approached the
group, "Charleen, you look like a purple dirigible." I was truly
tested that day!!

Ack! Amazing how they can make us want to collapse in tears over
these things.

DH was feeling ... amorous today, and it was *such* an effort to get
my mom's comments out of my head so that I could enjoy the moment.
Stupid, stupid.

I know how you felt. Love and understanding is our armour.

Yes. I tell myself that I only get to see her very rarely, and I always
promise myself that I will appreciate her while I can, but sometimes it
is hard. In fact, I can so well predict my mom's behavior that before
her most recent visit, I told myself that should she say anything about
my weight, I would calmly tell her that what she said hurts my feelings,
and that I would really appreciate it if she didn't do that.

While she was visiting, Mom helped me buy some suits. This was actually
a great favor, as she is good with color and fit and helped me put
together colors that I would never have imagined would work well
together. I looked like a million bucks in those suits. But the actual
process of trying them on ...

I thought I was a 12. It turns out I'm more like a 14, and for a bit
(because of one particular suit that had an awkward cut) it looked
like I might be a 16. Mom clucked her tongue and began to talk about
how I really needed to lose weight blah blah blah ... just what you
need to hear when you're prepping for an exciting and important job
interview.

Well, I blew my top. I told her that if she wanted to make comments
about my weight, she could feel free to get on a plane and fly back
home, because I wasn't putting up with it. Only maybe not with such
polite words.

Funny how we (at least I) turn right back into teenagers when our
parents are around.

I did speak to her that evening, explain to her what I'd meant to say
and that I'd gotten upset and said things in a way that I regretted.

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

Maybe your mother can start on something easy like walking
which is a good exercise. When I visited my mom, I took her
walking and now she walks almost every day. You can't tell
she is in her 80s.

Winnie

"Monique Y. Mudama" wrote in message
...
On 2005-06-26, Mischief penned:

This is why I don't talk to my mother that often. This is why I
don't fly home and visit often. And this is why I don't plan to
have kids. I worry a lot just like my mother, and I know if I have
kids I will worry all the time, but I'm sure as hell not going to
put my kid through what my parents have put me through. And I know
it is emotionally painful for them to have to deal with me, and I'm
not going to go through that either.

I'm lucky in that I do generally have a great relationship with both
of my parents; there are just certain issues ... well, everyone has
some, right? I just wish my mom realized how hurtful some of the
things she says are.

My mom also believes that she's in great shape because she's lost a
lot of weight. Now, I'll be the first to admit that she looks great,
but that's not enough. She quickly gets out of breath with even a
small amount of effort. When my aunt and I encouraged her to join us
for yoga (I just started while at my aunt's), it was scary to see how
inflexible my mother is. She has no balance, no muscle tone, no
flexibility. She's always been a klutz (so am I, for that matter),
but I'm worried that as she gets older, she'll be falling a lot and
... well, we all know how bad a broken bone is for an older person,
especially a woman. Unfortunately, the yoga was so difficult for her
that I think she will avoid going to the classes near her house. Yoga
would help her a ton.

So it's particularly frustrating to have my mom railing on me for my
weight when I feel that, despite most certainly having about 20 extra
pounds, I am in pretty good shape, and I'm actually deathly afraid for
my mom as she gets older.


--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

On 2005-06-26, W. Leong penned:
Only found out recently my classmates nicknamed me sticks.

This reminded me of my first Taekwondo instructor. He was absolutely
huge; he worked out constantly and had biceps the size of melons.
Well, I remember a talk with him in which he told me that he'd been so
skinny as a kid, people called him Chopsticks. I guess it really
stuck with him; he said he still looked in the mirror and saw himself
as scrawny and skinny, even though I could tell you he was covered in
huge muscle.

I wonder if anybody actually sees the real person when they look in
the mirror, or just the image they've come to believe.

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca

On 2005-06-26, Karen penned:

We can't change them, so we might as well accept them and steer the
conversation as best we can away from certain subjects.


With some parents, there are no safe subjects *grin*

--
monique, who spoils Oscar unmercifully

pictures: http://www.bounceswoosh.org/rpca