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"Cat Protector" wrote in message news:y%Smc.25283$Z%5.17778@okepread01... Well everyone has a choice. You can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink. A lot of abused women seem to believe everything they are telling them including that is their fault. If the guy hits them then they simply shrug it off and keep taking the abuse. If they leave the relationship then 9 times out of 10 they go back because the other party says they're sorry and won't do it again or that they'll change. But of course that's a lie and the cycle continues. I usually say that nobody deserves to be abused like that but they also made the choice. They can continue to be the victim or they can fight back, escape the relationship, and get help. The abusers also need to really see what it is to be the victim and get help. Of course I am not sure how effective therapy is. It seems like a lot of abusers hide behind excuses like poor childhood, broken home, divorced parents, etc. The defense lawyers use this one a lot when the abuser is accused of a crime. Of course this just seems to excuse the abusive behavior. I think abusers need to stand up and say they have a problem, then get help. It is all about choices. But no animal should be abused. This 17 year old girl needs to finally wake up and leave this guy or she will be this guy's next victim. -- Panther TEK: Staying On Top Of All Your Computer Needs! www.members.cox.net/catprotector/panthertek Cat Galaxy: All Cats, All The Time! www.catgalaxymedia.com "RobZip" wrote in message ... Abusers have an incredible ability to be manipulative of all of those they encounter in the course of and as a consequence of their actions. The women usually hear an array of excuses and explanations. I've heard of some who convinced a woman that they wouldn't have acted out so badly if it wasn't for the strong love they have for them. Now how warped is that? Others have a multitude of rationales to shift the blame for such actions to the woman. Along with this comes the psychological modeling in which the abuser plays on the woman's already damaged self-esteem. He convinces her that she wouldn't stand a chance being on her own, that she wouldn't be worthy and capable of survival in a truly equal relationship, etc. When living in Tampa I was in an area with a heavy Puerto Rican population. Certain parts of their culture have a much different view on relationship power and control than white Anglos. I had a very pretty Puerto Rican neighbor girl who was flirting with me, hanging around, and generally 'stepping out of line' in order to evoke a controlling response from her boyfriend whom she suspected was losing interest in her. She told me that if he really cared, he would order her to stay in the apartment, avoid me, and probably threaten to physically punish her if that wasn't part of his initial expression of displeasure at her behavior. Unless women who are being abused break free from the relationship and seek help they'll continue to allow themselves to be victims. It is all about power and control. These women find it hard to accept that they DO have control. They've only relinquished it on bad terms to someone else. An abuser who promises to change and swears he won't do it again most likely really and truly believes what he's saying. But there are many reasons why that always fails. Foremost is that one has to honestly take their own inventory and understand it before they have any hope of changing it. On what authority do I say this? I grew up in a home with a physically abusive father. I swore I would never treat my wife like that when I got married. Well guess what? Along the way I never learned any of the proper coping skills or honest interpersonal relationship skills. How could I? Everything was a masquerade to shift blame and deflect the truth. Although I never sought out to repeat the violent mistakes of my father, I had the same bad interpersonal and coping skills he did. It was all I ever had a chance to learn. It was the only example I had. The natural byproduct was that I bullied, punched, swore and manipulated my way through two disastrous marriages. At age 36 I was finally tired enough of my life, beaten and ready to do something about it. My pride was gone. Funny - most of us think we have all the answers and it's the rest of the world that is so screwed up. That's why we are able to do the things we do. You can't make change meaningful until you lose the false pride and are ready to have every element of your life taken apart. I invested the next 6 years in one on one therapy, 12 step abusers programs, group therapy abuser sessions, etc. It wasn't an easy or quick fix. Serious matters are never resolved easily. It's tough to sit and listen to a group who has been there and done that take your ass apart piece by piece, telling you everything that is wrong with how you think about everything - and you know that they're right. The good news is that once you are willing to acknowledge and accept those things, the replacement skills are much easier to practice. Unless a person is willing to make that kind of effort for their own self improvement, the cycle will continue. That's why the young lady involved needs to drop this guy like last weeks garbage. But since she is already defending him I guess we really don't need a crystal ball to see where this is going. I sincerely hope that both of them are sterile.... When your 17 and have a boyfriend of course your gonna stick up for him because your 17 and you think there's no one else in the world for you beside's this guy. One day she'll wake up and get a good kick in the pants.. and leave him. Probably after she's the guy's next victim. Trust me I know from experience.. nothing like the cat tortures or anything but I was 17 once with an abusive boyfriend. Tina |
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