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"Sick" day
This is a combination of some things I wrote to a couple of friends
today. I thought I'd reach out here, too. I'm home "sick" today. I guess you could call it a mental health day, although it feels more like a mental illness day to me. I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have much energy, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. But mostly I just feel very alone. I'm really scared about getting old and disabled and not having anyone to take care of me. Apparently, it's a crime to be too damaged to be able to form and keep close relationships. If you don't have a partner, or kids, or an extended family, or a circle of loving friends, I guess you can just go die in the street. I don't need sympathy so much as I need people who simply enjoy hanging out with me, whether in person or via the intertubes. I come home each night to voicemails from 800 numbers, and I log on every morning to a bunch of stupid notices about what some total stranger did on LinkedIn or Facebook - my "social" networks that are really so impersonal. Am I that much of a drag to be around? What have I done to cause this? Or not done? (Not rhetorical - answer if you wish.) Joyce |
#3
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"Sick" day
On 8/3/2011 5:16 PM, wrote:
This is a combination of some things I wrote to a couple of friends today. I thought I'd reach out here, too. I'm home "sick" today. I guess you could call it a mental health day, although it feels more like a mental illness day to me. I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have much energy, and I feel overwhelmed all the time. But mostly I just feel very alone. I'm really scared about getting old and disabled and not having anyone to take care of me. Apparently, it's a crime to be too damaged to be able to form and keep close relationships. If you don't have a partner, or kids, or an extended family, or a circle of loving friends, I guess you can just go die in the street. I don't need sympathy so much as I need people who simply enjoy hanging out with me, whether in person or via the intertubes. I come home each night to voicemails from 800 numbers, and I log on every morning to a bunch of stupid notices about what some total stranger did on LinkedIn or Facebook - my "social" networks that are really so impersonal. Am I that much of a drag to be around? What have I done to cause this? Or not done? (Not rhetorical - answer if you wish.) Joyce I feel like I know you a bit, having corresponded with you over the years here in this group. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I believe you had a very troubled childhood. I did too, but not in the same manner (just the opposite, I think, my mother was very distant and cold, emotionally, my brothers were a lot older than me and I was alone a lot). I didn't know *how* to make friends. There was just one friend who sort of latched onto me, and because I didn't have any other friends, we stayed friends all these years until recently because I would forgive her anything rather than be friendless. She was extremely toxic for me and when I look back at it she was probably the reason my life turned out as bad as it did compared to my other relatives. Anyway, I'm getting at two points. First, making friends does not come naturally to some people - especially we who had "abnormal" childhoods. Second, you're not alone - there are a lot of us who have only "online friends". And even though I have children, I can't rely on them to take care of me when I get old and feeble - I just hope social security pays for a decent nursing home! -- Hugs, CatNipped See all our masters at: http://www.PossiblePlaces.com/CatNipped See the RPCA FAQ site, created by "Yowie", maintained by Mark Edwards, at: http://www.professional-geek.net/rpcablog/ Email: L(dot)T(dot)Crews(at)comcast(dot)net |
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"Sick" day
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"Sick" day
Check your "J Wermont" email.
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"Sick" day
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#7
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"Sick" day
Yowie wrote:
There would have been things you've done that have prevented you from making friends, however I doubt that you did them intentionally and I'd lay money on the fact tha tyou wouldn't even be aware of what they are. Mostly, they are very subtle things that 'most' people find perfectly natural, but some folks (like you & I) don't intuitively understand or do to the same degree as others. Things like eye contact, body movements, the rhythm of conversation etc etc. I'm not sure this is true for me. Actually, for most of my life, I've been pretty good at making friends. I was extremely shy and withdrawn as a child, but I came out of my shell in my 20s and was a pretty social person for the next couple of decades. But over the past 10 years or so, I've found myself retreating again, becoming more reclusive and isolated, and more misanthropic. I don't know why this has happened - I have some theories about it, but no specific cause I can point to and say, aha, that's what started it. I've been trying to get out of this stuck place for years, but it actually seems to be getting worse, not better. So I'm dealing with a strong force here that I don't understand and can't seem to get a grip on. Maybe it's a biological imperative to turn into my mother. One thing I've always had trouble with, even in my social years, was *keeping* friends. Most friendships would just kind of end mysteriously, before it had the chance to take hold. I did have closer friends with whom I maintained long relationships, but eventually, even those fell apart. My past is littered with (what seems like) dozens of broken relationships. The main thing I had going for me was that I could always make new friends. Now that I'm not doing much of that, my social life has dwindled down to just a few people, who I cling to like they're a life raft. I consider myself to be neurotypical. I'm quirky, some might call me weird, but - whatever. I think my social difficulties come from an abusive upbringing and aren't biologically based. Not that I'm all that skilled in making *friends*. Oh, I have lots of people I "know", lots of people who are colleagues and aquaintances who I get along with perfectly well *for colleagues and aquaintances* but I don't have a particularly large circle of friends in Meatspace. Online is a different thing all together, because I am judged almost entirely for my words, rather than how I look, or what body language I display (or, in my case, don't display). Do you mean that you're not very expressive in person? You certainly are in writing. You're also a very logical person, but not in an emotionless or "robotic" sort of way - actually you come across to me as pretty warm and friendly. And even then, its no coincidence that the friends I do have in Meatspace are all self-confessed nerds and geeks. Whilst of course there's the whole common-interest thing, I also believe that its because geeks and nerds on the whole are more forgiving about the lack of that 'social dance' thing that is expected by regular non-geek/nerd people. Yes, I agree with that. On the other hand, I've encountered some pretty intense intolerance from geeks about my lack of knowledge in various areas, mostly technical or scientific, and especially at jobs. You know how geeks can really slam a person if they make an incorrect or baseless statement. I don't know, maybe Aussie nerds are more relaxed, but I live in Geek Mecca USA and have worked in the computer industry for 3 decades, so I've seen a lot of computer geeks in my day. Unfortunately, I have to say that a high percentage of those encounters have been pretty unpleasant. Which is not to say that I haven't found my own subcultural niche to fit into, but it's definitely not the sf/RPG/gamer/superheroes/anime/build-your- own-Linux-machine type of subculture. My crowd is more like politically progressive, artists, musicians, writers, activists, queers and other misfits. These folks aren't always the most tolerant either, but I think that's true of most cliques. I personally wouldn'tbe surprised to find that every single meatspace friend of mine - and myself - have a degree of Asperger's. Not *severe* obviously, but there's enough formal diagnoses in my social circle that it makes me wonder about the rest of us. And to the letter, all of my social circle are cat people.... I have this strange feeling it almost goes hand in hand :-) I know what you mean about cat people. Most people I know are at least animal lovers if not outright cat worshippers. I also have one friend who sometimes wonders if she falls somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum. She and I have radically different ways of thinking and of seeing the world, which often causes communication problems between us. She doesn't identify as neurotypical, but most of my friends do, even the cat lovers. However, thats not REALLY what you are asking about, IMHO. What you are expressing above, again IMHO, is that you feel unloved, unliked, unappreciated, unwanted, unimportant, lonely, depressed. Well, that about sums it up, yeah. Whilst the rest us can point out the that we value your friendship, we aprpeciate and love you, that you are an important part of this here community and we want you to stay around, its very unlikely that you will be able to believe any of that, because of the last one, depression. Until the depression is managed, there's probably not a lot that anyone could say or do to make you feel better baout yourself, which is a shame, because you really have no idea how wonderful you truly are! That's a really nice thing to say, thanks! (And yes, I know you mean it and aren't just trying to be "encouraging".) I guess it comes down to this - I don't feel like people pay very much attention to me, and when I don't get attention, I feel unloved. I'm not saying that's rational, and I know that people fail to respond to posts, or neglect to call their friends, for a large variety of reasons having nothing to do with me. It's very hard to escape that feeling, though. Joyce -- The Internet is on computers now! -- Homer Simpson |
#8
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"Sick" day
wrote in message
... Yowie wrote: There would have been things you've done that have prevented you from making friends, however I doubt that you did them intentionally and I'd lay money on the fact tha tyou wouldn't even be aware of what they are. Mostly, they are very subtle things that 'most' people find perfectly natural, but some folks (like you & I) don't intuitively understand or do to the same degree as others. Things like eye contact, body movements, the rhythm of conversation etc etc. I'm not sure this is true for me. Actually, for most of my life, I've been pretty good at making friends. I was extremely shy and withdrawn as a child, but I came out of my shell in my 20s and was a pretty social person for the next couple of decades. But over the past 10 years or so, I've found myself retreating again, becoming more reclusive and isolated, and more misanthropic. I don't know why this has happened - I have some theories about it, but no specific cause I can point to and say, aha, that's what started it. I've been trying to get out of this stuck place for years, but it actually seems to be getting worse, not better. So I'm dealing with a strong force here that I don't understand and can't seem to get a grip on. Maybe it's a biological imperative to turn into my mother. One thing I've always had trouble with, even in my social years, was *keeping* friends. Most friendships would just kind of end mysteriously, before it had the chance to take hold. I did have closer friends with whom I maintained long relationships, but eventually, even those fell apart. My past is littered with (what seems like) dozens of broken relationships. The main thing I had going for me was that I could always make new friends. Now that I'm not doing much of that, my social life has dwindled down to just a few people, who I cling to like they're a life raft. I consider myself to be neurotypical. I'm quirky, some might call me weird, but - whatever. I think my social difficulties come from an abusive upbringing and aren't biologically based. Not that I'm all that skilled in making *friends*. Oh, I have lots of people I "know", lots of people who are colleagues and aquaintances who I get along with perfectly well *for colleagues and aquaintances* but I don't have a particularly large circle of friends in Meatspace. Online is a different thing all together, because I am judged almost entirely for my words, rather than how I look, or what body language I display (or, in my case, don't display). Do you mean that you're not very expressive in person? You certainly are in writing. You're also a very logical person, but not in an emotionless or "robotic" sort of way - actually you come across to me as pretty warm and friendly. And even then, its no coincidence that the friends I do have in Meatspace are all self-confessed nerds and geeks. Whilst of course there's the whole common-interest thing, I also believe that its because geeks and nerds on the whole are more forgiving about the lack of that 'social dance' thing that is expected by regular non-geek/nerd people. Yes, I agree with that. On the other hand, I've encountered some pretty intense intolerance from geeks about my lack of knowledge in various areas, mostly technical or scientific, and especially at jobs. You know how geeks can really slam a person if they make an incorrect or baseless statement. I don't know, maybe Aussie nerds are more relaxed, but I live in Geek Mecca USA and have worked in the computer industry for 3 decades, so I've seen a lot of computer geeks in my day. Unfortunately, I have to say that a high percentage of those encounters have been pretty unpleasant. Which is not to say that I haven't found my own subcultural niche to fit into, but it's definitely not the sf/RPG/gamer/superheroes/anime/build-your- own-Linux-machine type of subculture. My crowd is more like politically progressive, artists, musicians, writers, activists, queers and other misfits. These folks aren't always the most tolerant either, but I think that's true of most cliques. I personally wouldn'tbe surprised to find that every single meatspace friend of mine - and myself - have a degree of Asperger's. Not *severe* obviously, but there's enough formal diagnoses in my social circle that it makes me wonder about the rest of us. And to the letter, all of my social circle are cat people.... I have this strange feeling it almost goes hand in hand :-) I know what you mean about cat people. Most people I know are at least animal lovers if not outright cat worshippers. I also have one friend who sometimes wonders if she falls somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum. She and I have radically different ways of thinking and of seeing the world, which often causes communication problems between us. She doesn't identify as neurotypical, but most of my friends do, even the cat lovers. However, thats not REALLY what you are asking about, IMHO. What you are expressing above, again IMHO, is that you feel unloved, unliked, unappreciated, unwanted, unimportant, lonely, depressed. Well, that about sums it up, yeah. Whilst the rest us can point out the that we value your friendship, we aprpeciate and love you, that you are an important part of this here community and we want you to stay around, its very unlikely that you will be able to believe any of that, because of the last one, depression. Until the depression is managed, there's probably not a lot that anyone could say or do to make you feel better baout yourself, which is a shame, because you really have no idea how wonderful you truly are! That's a really nice thing to say, thanks! (And yes, I know you mean it and aren't just trying to be "encouraging".) I guess it comes down to this - I don't feel like people pay very much attention to me, and when I don't get attention, I feel unloved. I'm not saying that's rational, and I know that people fail to respond to posts, or neglect to call their friends, for a large variety of reasons having nothing to do with me. It's very hard to escape that feeling, though. Joyce I think I know what you mean there. It often seems to me that people don't pay attention to me, and it does feel hurtful. However, for a great deal of my life, I did my best not to be noticed. It's only during the last 20 years that I've come out of my shell, so to speak. I always did have a streak of ham, but most of the time I preferred to fade into the background and let others take the lead. Since I joined Toastmasters, though, I've become much more assertive, and I do get noticed more. However, there are still times when I feel ignored. However, I've gotten past the point where that makes me feel unloved. I've had enough concrete examples to know that people do care about me. I'm sorry your experience hasn't been like that. You do write very well, and have great stories to tell. Maybe you could be helped by joining a Toastmasters club. If you think you might be interested, go to www.toastmasters.org. It is easy to find a club near you. It is a good idea to email the contact person to make sure the club still meets when and where the website shows, because websites don't always get updated. Nearly all Toastmasters clubs welcome visitors, with no obligation to join. The dues are quite reasonable if one does decide to join. If you (or anyone) has any questions about Toastmasters, feel free to email me. Joy |
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"Sick" day
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#10
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"Sick" day
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