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#21
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"Sick" day
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#22
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"Sick" day
Cheryl wrote:
On 8/5/2011 5:55 PM, wrote: But that isn't even my main worry. My main worry is being in some horrible state-run nursing home, "cared for" by minimum-wage teenagers who don't give a s***. Whatever happens, I'm not going to end up in a posh care facility with well-trained professional care-givers and a high staff-to- patient ratio. I will be dependent on government benefits - which, by the way, I have worked for and paid into *for my entire life* - that are getting more and more draconian by the minute. Essentially, my government has just said to me, "It's not our responsibility to care for you when you can't care for yourself. That's your loved ones' job. Oh, you don't have loved ones to care for you? Sucks to be you!" Do you know ANYONE who won't end up in a government-run nursing home should they be unlucky enough to have a prolonged and debilitating illness? I know maybe one family who might have the resources to pay for private care for a while should a family member need it, and I'm not sure about them since of course I don't know the details of their private finances. I'm talking about the really major illnesses, of course - dementia, various kinds of paralysis and disability due to neurological diseases or some cancers and their treatment; that sort of thing. Last stats I saw for Canada, most people never need to use a nursing home. Some of those who do will manage to postpone their entry into a home, with the subsequent lack of privacy and autonomy, with family support and/or government-subsidized home care workers, but that's by far the most common option. Paying someone to provide high levels of care is out of most people's reach. We're not talking about paying a few dollars under the table for a bit of heavy cleaning or some assistance bathing. We're talking 24/7 supervision, special equipment for lifting, bathing, toileting and moving around, and so on. Of course, I suppose like most people, I've been in and out visiting people in some of the local nursing homes over the years, and I don't think they usually run to actual neglect or abuse. I'd still rather not have to live in one, but if I end up in one, so be it. I don't have any guarantee that I won't have a long and disabling illness, end up penniless, and have to accept the ministrations of the staff in a government-run nursing home with as much grace as I can muster. No one does. You and I live in different countries. When it comes to caring for people's health and old age, they couldn't be more different. I know belts have tightened in Canada, but you're still pretty far from where we are. "Public" has become a dirty word in the US, at least among many politicians and their constituents. So, a state-run (province-run?) nursing home in Canada might be better- funded than the equivalent in the US. I don't know the specifics, but if it follows the pattern of most other public health care programs, the Canadian version is a lot more livable. Perhaps not fancy, but at least not abusive or neglectful, maybe because there's more money to have a larger staff, or a better-trained staff, better facilities, etc? Anyway, I think it's safe to assume that you live in a place where there is less to fear when it comes to nursing homes or other assisted living. As for home health care, that has been decimated in the US, particularly in California. The nursing home lobby is very powerful. It used to be that home nurses and other providers could make, if not a bundle, at least a living on what the state paid them. But their pay has been cut and cut, and the number of positions available for providers to work on state money has also dwindled. If someone can afford a private home nurse, they can have it, but for those who need state-paid care, their options have narrowed considerably. It often ends up costing a family less to put the old/sick person in a nursing home because (due to the lobby), the state offers better economic benefits for nursing home care than for home care. Which is insane, because state-run nursing homes cost the taxpayers a whole lot more money than home providers do. It's lose-lose - the home nurses are out of work, or they continue to work, but for much less, and more patients are forced to go into nursing homes when they don't really need it, but they do need some amount of nursing care, and the nursing home is their only option. Joyce -- May the great galactic kitten always purr you to sleep. |
#23
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"Sick" day (warning: LONG)
Yowie wrote:
Yes, its always scary to get older and discover the person looking back in the mirror looks very much like your own mother! Actually, a few years ago I changed my hairstyle so that I had bangs instead of brushing my hair back off my face. One day I looked in the mirror and saw my face with grey bangs. I freaked out, not becuase I was looking at my mother, but rather, at my *grandmother*. Next day I went out and bought hair-coloring stuff. I wonder if the slow 'retreat' also correlates with a slow decline into depression? I've been dealing with depression for many years, possibly my whole life. It's not always at the same level, it kind of depends on other stuff that's going on. So sometimes I've felt better than others. When I was younger, I struggled so much with a lack of friends. Whilst my sister is the outgoing, bubble, funny one, I was always (and still am), the 'deep and serious' one. The best I could do was steel my sister's friends, which added to my social pariah status as one thing you never EVER do in HighSchool is have friends that are in years below you (having friends the year above you, quixotically, is fine). I remember that shame about being friends with younger kids. I developed more slowly than kids my age, when it came to emotional and social skills, so it was more appropriate for me to hang out with younger kids. Actually, I don't remember getting much hassling from my peers about it, but my parents acted like I was some kind of terrible failure. Isn't that nuts? Why do we expect everyone to march at the same pace? People mature at different rates. Why is it so shameful to be a late bloomer? The ironic thing, though, is that my sister has encountered some emotionally tough times recently and has confessed to me that the only person she can truly have a heart to heart with is me - the rest of her so called 'friends' are not up to having meaningful, deep conversations and are jovial fluffy air-head just-wanna-have-fun types who scatter when the hard part of friendship (supporting a friend in need) comes along. I also usually have at least one or two friends with whom I can be fully myself, and that means a lot to me. It's just that, over the years, these people have changed. I still mourn the loss of the good friends I had earlier in life. So JOyce, hang on to those few friends you share a deep connection with, and don't worry about the more trivial 'fun' so called 'friendships'. I've rarely bothered with trivial friendships. I've been in social groups where I was closer to some than to others, so some of those people, although I liked them a lot, were not people I could open up to or depend on in hard times. But even then, I always had a few people I could really talk to. I consider myself to be neurotypical. I'm quirky, some might call me weird, but - whatever. I think my social difficulties come from an abusive upbringing and aren't biologically based. I didn't know that. That makes sense, and I'm sorry you had an abusive upringing :-( Thanks. I know there are some others here who share that history. I started therapy when I was in my teens. At the time I was very motivated to get over my problems and I worked really hard at it. I never dreamed I'd still be struggling with this stuff 40 years later! I think ofmyself as warm and friendly too. But it doesn't seem to come across like that most of the time. I have no idea why. I've gstopped worrying about it, though. I don't need any more friends, I have trouble enough keeping up with the friends I do have. That's something I've never felt - the sense of not needing more friends. There has always been room for new friends in my life. Time may be finite, but somehow I've always been able to accommodate new people. I hang around gaming nerds. Then again, perhaps its not that /nerds/ are unjudgemental creatures, but rather the nerds I am *friends* with are :-) Or maybe they're just not judgemental of *you*, or of the other people you know? Maybe you meet their standards of whatever they think is necessary for respect? I have a good friend who is very accepted by her geek crowd, and she doesn't quite get why I feel so put down by those people, when from her perspective, they're not putting anyone down. They just have a different way of expressing themselves, which is to be blunt, and to correct each other's mistakes without being diplomatic about it. Maybe she's right, and I misinterpret their intent when they act that way toward me. Or maybe she's wrong, and my encounters with these people actually are more unpleasant and demeaning than anything she's experienced. One thing is for certain: when you're not the target of someone's negative attitudes, those attitudes are *a lot* harder to see. So maybe she just doesn't see the hostility that I see because she's not the target of it. Which brings up the question: why am I the target? I don't think I do anything that deserves that kind of reaction. The kind of thing I'm talking about is a scathing response if I make a statement or ask a question that the person thinks is stupid. Here's a great example. One time I was hanging out with a group of people and the conversation turned to evolution and zoology. One of the people there was a biologist, and I have an avocational interest in the subject, so it's not surprising. At one point, I was just thinking out loud and I said, "I wonder if snakes are related to earth worms, evolution-wise? There aren't a lot of animals on land that get around in the same way, so it seems like they should be related." And the biologist turned and snapped at me, not just with scorn, but with actual anger, and said, "A worm isn't even a vertabrate! How could you think they'd be related??!" I'm sorry, but that kind of angry, scornful response is not appropriate for a harmless question like mine. If I had said something racist, or otherwise prejudiced, that actually does express a harmful attitude, I could understand the anger. But even if my question was ignorant, WHO AM I HURTING by asking it??? I've gotten a lot of that kind of response from people, but mostly from science or techie geeks, because of some of the things I say or questions I ask. And I'm willing to bet that my friend who doesn't think these people put anyone down with their responses has never received that kind of hostility because of an innocent question or statement she's made. Do you have any folk festivals around your way? Yes, and I do go to some of them. I should probably go to more. Because they above is exactly the type of people you find at them (My Dad is a folkie. I suspect I'll be one when the Yowlet is grown and I have more time to express my artistic side (either by more writing, or by drawing, or by both) I've never actually made any friends at these things. Usually it takes longer, with more repeated exposures, such as in a class or social group, or volunteer group, etc, rather than at a one-off like a weekend festival. There usually isn't time to build up enough rapport to be comfortable asking if someone wants to go out for dinner sometime. Most people would find it a bit disconcerting to be asked out on a social date (I don't even mean a "dating" date, just a friendship date) by someone they barely knew. I guess YMMV on that. I know what you mean about cat people. Most people I know are at least animal lovers if not outright cat worshippers. Animals make more sense than most people :-) Amen! They always have! I don't know whether I"m neurotypical or not. Clealry, I have no trouble expressing myself in writing! However, my 'baseline' is terribly, terribly skewed. The usual crowd I hang with has 3 *diagnosed* Asperger's people in it, and another 2 who are so Aspie they don't *need* a diagnosis for the rest of us to look at the diagnosed ones and point to the very same traits in the undiagnosed ones. Two for example, end pretty much each sentence with "Hmmmmm". One has absolutely no concept of personal space. Another has elaborate food rituals - taking him out to eat is nigh on impossible - and he is a chronic hoarder of electronica, but he's a really nice guy anyway. I trust these folks with my life, however, because they are completley bull****-free zones. There is no sublte inuendo, no double meanings, no headgames, no bull****. They call a spade a spade and entirely fail to see any reason why anyone would want to do otherwise. They will happily tell me is my ass looks big in a pair of jeans if I ask them -one even said "yes, it makes your arse look big, but I like big arses". I find it easier to be with these folks than I do with 'regular' people who tell half truths, play 'head games' and say things they don't mean. And I work with research scientists, who prove exceptionally well the old adage of 'there's a fine line between genius and insanity'. Most folks here at work will readily admit they feel far more comfortable working away in their lab by themselves than dealing with people and they are all experts (by definition) on an extremely narrow subject. One person here goes nuts if you disturb his desk in anyway (its a total pigsty, but he knows *exactly* where everything is and can tell if anything is out by even millimetres. Another's "party trick" is to get someone to name two stations on the London Underground, and he will name all the stations you'd go through *in order* if you travelled between those two points. He keeps a diary of what train engines he's spotted, and I have seen him shout for joy and hug strangers when he's got the last engine in a series (scary). Yet another woudl sneak around the labs doing crocodile impersonations if he got at all stressed, and insisted we all called him "Uncle Ted". All are utterly brilliant scientists, all totally mad, and all I would suspect are quite a long way down the Asperger's spectrum because *none* of that is Neurotypical behaviour. These are the people I spend my time with. I have no idea what 'normal' is like :-) They sound amusing and delightful, actually. As long as they're not arrogant or scornful if you happen to commit the mortal sin of Not Knowing Something that they think you "should" know, then I would probably like them a lot. Some of my friends are quirky, too. One of them, a woman, has bushy sideburns and wears a yarmulke (the small skullcap worn by religious Jews). These are almost universally worn only by men - she is one of the few women who wears one. She looks very boyish, but when she sings, her voice is high, very very pretty, and quite female sounding. Most people find the juxtaposition of those traits to be confusing. I am nowhere near as fringy looking as that. Compared to most of my friends I'm pretty conventional - and I'm not really that conventional. There's probably some overlap between your kinds of friends and mine, but they each have their own distinct flavor. I am familiar with this sitting-alone-in-a-cold-dark-empty-pit feeling. I know those irrational, illogical thoughts all too well. I can't tell you *why* it lifted for me, but I am so very grateful that it did. I can only recommend that you get this depression treated, both with antu-depressants AND cognitive behaviour therapy. BTDT, with both. I have been on ADs for 20 years. A few different kinds, in a search for something that works long-term. I just started a new kind about 6 months ago, and I feel slightly better than I did before that, but I still have sudden descents into that cold-dark-empty-pit state of mind. I've also tried cognitive/behavioral therapy a few times (I don't mean a few sessions, but rather, I entered into therapy with cog-behavioral therapists a few times). I've always found it frustrating. I know it's supposed to be very effective, but to me it feels like I'm drowning in minutae. I think I had the wrong idea about what that approach is about. I thought it was about examining one's beliefs and worldviews, and changing the ones that are destructive. Instead, it was more like little mental tricks meant to distract yourself from certain thoughts. One such therapist had this suggestion: whenever a negative or self-depracating thought entered my mind, I was supposed to hold my hand over my head, elbow bent and palm facing up, as though warding off a blow. And I was supposed to visualize in my mind a huge red STOP sign. (I don't know what stop signs look like in Australia - here, they are octagonal and bright red with white text. http://www.clker.com/clipart-2766.html) And I was supposed to say out loud, "Stop, stop, stop!" OK, I have negative thoughts in the middle of meetings at work. How am I supposed to do this? This just didn't strike me as serious therapy. I tried it, but while it sometimes did take my mind off my miserable thoughts, mostly due to the utter silliness of what I was doing, that did not last long. The novelty wore off and it just seemed dumb and no longer amusing (or convincing). I do better with psychodynamic therapy, the long-term talking kind where you look at your past and understand why you feel and do what you do. I don't even think all that analysis is what works for me. I think it's just the experience of having someone in my corner, on my side, paying attention to my life, that gives me strength. So to that end, I am looking for someone now. It seems clear that I can't do this alone anymore. Wish I could wave a magic wand to make it go away, wish I could send you a magic mirror that woudl allow yourself to see what a unique and special person you are, but I can't. best I can offer is just some words on a screen, and pray that they help in some small, but significant way. And, as you know, my inboxes are always open, you can ping me on twitter at @yowie9644 if you want to chat, I'm on Facebook, you can snail mail me, and I can even call you if you tell me your phone number. And of course, there's always here. Wish you could see you through my eyes. Oh, this brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely, lovely thing to say. Thank you. Hugs, Joyce -- May the great galactic kitten always purr you to sleep. |
#24
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"Sick" day
wrote in message ... Yowie wrote: Whilst the rest us can point out the that we value your friendship, we aprpeciate and love you, that you are an important part of this here community and we want you to stay around, its very unlikely that you will be able to believe any of that, because of the last one, depression. Until the depression is managed, there's probably not a lot that anyone could say or do to make you feel better baout yourself, which is a shame, because you really have no idea how wonderful you truly are! I echo that. Joyce, you are intelligent, deep-thinking and witty and I always read your posts. Don't always reply though. I know depression. It's one of the worst illnesses in the world. Simon says it is up there in the top three with cancer and heart disease. No one who hasn't had clinical depression realises it is not a case of being upset and fed up and "pull yourself together and you will be OK" I've haven't ever truly got over mine, which was triggered by my mother's unexpected death and made worse by being bullied at work immediately afterwards. Simon was brought in by my employers to counsel me. I would have been OK if I had not been bullied on top of what I was suffering, and they knew it. I was in a pretty dreadful state when Simon first saw me. That was 7 years ago. He has put me right and now visits as a friend. I shamelessly use him to change my light bulbs and to put spot on Boyfie and to dump any emotional stuff. I thought I might have preferred a female welfare person at the time, but I was offered Simon. I thought I will try him out. He is more than wonderful. Tweed |
#25
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"Sick" day
"Christina Websell" wrote:
wrote in message ... I echo that. Joyce, you are intelligent, deep-thinking and witty and I always read your posts. Don't always reply though. I know depression. It's one of the worst illnesses in the world. Simon says it is up there in the top three with cancer and heart disease. No one who hasn't had clinical depression realises it is not a case of being upset and fed up and "pull yourself together and you will be OK" I've haven't ever truly got over mine, which was triggered by my mother's unexpected death and made worse by being bullied at work immediately afterwards. Simon was brought in by my employers to counsel me. I would have been OK if I had not been bullied on top of what I was suffering, and they knew it. I was in a pretty dreadful state when Simon first saw me. That was 7 years ago. He has put me right and now visits as a friend. I shamelessly use him to change my light bulbs and to put spot on Boyfie and to dump any emotional stuff. I thought I might have preferred a female welfare person at the time, but I was offered Simon. I thought I will try him out. He is more than wonderful. Tweed I'm so glad you've got people in your life like Simon and June. -- Adrian |
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