OT My turkey...

...was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along. It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially, Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion, apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all along.
It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?

I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

Joy

Joy wrote:

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?
the very, very first. How DID you know? I suppose the stuck butt gave it away?


I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.
I relied on my friend's many years of expertise. I'd had her turkeys. They
were always good, flavorful birds: the kind with nice brown skin from their
hours baking in the tanning booth. she swore up and down on putting a bit of
water in the pan. What I didn't know as that brining the bird increases the
juice output considerably: something Mutha-in-Law didn't enlighten me on
until AFTER we put the fire out. She will have much to answer for on
Judgement Day.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

And I am glad to have brought a smile to someone's face, having done my good
deed. I hope next year it comes out looking like a turkey and not an accident.


Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

And I am glad to have brought a smile to someone's face, having done my good
deed. I hope next year it comes out looking like a turkey and not an accident.

Blessed be,
Baha

Take heart, your troubles have not been in vain. Since we traveled all the
way to WI for Thanksgiving we weren't able to bring large amounts of
left-over turkey home with us. I've come to REALLY depend on large amounts
of left-over turkey (I could live year round on nothing else - I love
turkey!).

Therefore, next weekend we're going to cook a turkey. I have never done
so on my own before. Having read of your experiences, I will do my very
best to watch out for those dangers. I'm sure I'll find plenty of other
embarrassing mistakes to make, but I now know of several to avoid.

perhaps you will get the mother of all hams next year, Lee
Baha via CatKB.com u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7bcf15c0554cb@uwe...
Joy wrote:

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?
the very, very first. How DID you know? I suppose the stuck butt gave it
away?


I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.
I relied on my friend's many years of expertise. I'd had her turkeys. They
were always good, flavorful birds: the kind with nice brown skin from
their
hours baking in the tanning booth. she swore up and down on putting a bit
of
water in the pan. What I didn't know as that brining the bird increases
the
juice output considerably: something Mutha-in-Law didn't enlighten me on
until AFTER we put the fire out. She will have much to answer for on
Judgement Day.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

And I am glad to have brought a smile to someone's face, having done my
good
deed. I hope next year it comes out looking like a turkey and not an
accident.


Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

"Joy" wrote in message
...
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message
news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...

snip disasterous but funny tale of cooking a turkey

To my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?

I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

I put water in the bottom of a pan when I do roasts, but its *below* the
roast, the roast isn't sitting in it.

I do this for two reasons: first, the steam in the oven stops the meat
drying out so much, and second, the water catches all the drips of juice and
fat. About half an hour before serving, I take the water pan out, transfer
its contents to a saucepan to reduce the volume by boiling. The outside of
the roast crisps up in the oven in the mean time, but the inner part is
still juicy and moist. Once the water portion from the drip tray is at the
desired volume, I remove as much of the fat layer as I can, then add some
cornflour (or other thickening agent) and some salth, and it makes a
delicious gravy.

This is how I make sure that my roasts are 'low fat' (or lower than usual)
and hte gravy isn't heart-attack material :-) Oh, and my roasts tend to be
cooked to the point where the meat falls off the bone (we all like it like
that, can't stand any hint of pink in our roast meats - never done a turkey,
mind)

The fat, apprantly, makes wonderful dripping, but I can't stand the thought.
My father, on the other hand, loves 'bread and dripping' as a late evening
snack (must be a generational thing).

Yowie

Yowie wrote:

The fat, apprantly, makes wonderful dripping, but I can't stand the thought.
My father, on the other hand, loves 'bread and dripping' as a late evening
snack (must be a generational thing).


When my parents were still alive I would go round on Xmas Eve and we'd have
the ritual of putting presents under the tree and my mum would serve turkey
dripping on toast- to me that was the start of Christmas.

Feeling a bit nostalgic for dripping and toast (beef dripping is also nice)

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200711/1

I would like your permission to send this "tale" to a couple of places that
collect "first time Turkey stories". Was this by any chance a Butterball
before it's rearrangement? I have already printed it out to take to work.
Ahhhh the stuff dreams and memories are made of.
"Joy" wrote in message
...
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message
news:7bce8d39234e3@uwe...
..was unarguably the ugliest thing I have ever in my life pulled out of
an
oven.

We began with The Brine. Louie put together a witches' brew of chicken
broth,
apple cider, honey, maple syrup, salt and ginger ale with spices, and
after
letting the SOB soak overnight we found he was not only well-thawed but
he
presented us with something disturbingly phallic-looking. This, I
discovered,
was the neck, though we found it in a place I never expected to find a
neck.
Although if the head were attached, it would have reminded me of the boss
I
had before Daniel. We then stuffed him with pieces of cut-up onion,
apple,
pear and herbs, plopped him into the pan and put enough water in there to
come an inch or so up the side, as my freind and long-time turkey chef
Olive
instructed. Of course, Olive never soaked a bird in brine and no one ever
warned us that there would be an overflow of juice and turkey fat that
would
start a fire in the oven.

And so, once the supply of baking soda was used up, the rest of the juice
drained into two half-gallon pitchers, and half our bath towel collection
ruined, we rearranged Old Tom for his final degradation. Lifting him from
the
pan to stick some vegetables in to bake with him, Tom's skin just
disintegrated. Literally peeled right off his nude flesh, leaving us
staring
at a bird with prison pallor. We couldn't even dress him up again
because,
like cheap clothing on a final clearance rack, it just broke up into
little
bits when it hit the hot juice. In an act of desperation we mixed up a
paste
of butter and herbs and smeared it on Tom's poor bare breast, waited for
the
vegetation to develop a sense of comletion in its life's work, and called
the
Mutha-in-Law. When she stopped laughing, and Louie told her that the bird
had
just dropped both a leg and a wing from the rest of its carcass, she told
us
that he was not only done, he was TOO done. And then there was this
little
paper bag that rolled out of his insides along with the fruits we stuffed
him
with. What do you know...so THOSE are giblets! Roasted with Tom all
along. It
was hard to tell he was ready for duty, however, because he looked as
naked
as the day he was hatched. It was too late, though. I had a throng of
hungry
buddies who were expecting to be given the bird; and the bird we gave
them.
We wrapped the monstrosity in foil and hoped for the best.

Fortunately Dennis had the implements to carve him, and the good sense to
do
it away from the eyes of our friends who might have looked over his
shoulder
and said, "Good GOD!!! What the hell IS that thing?" When we picked Tom
up
from the pan his butt was stuck to the metal and fell off. It looked
honestly
like something that was found by the roadside and rolled through a
recently-
cut lawn. But it was actually a good, flavorful turkey, though no
cover-boy
for Gourmet Magazine, and didn't turn out dry at all. We had enough to
send
everyone at the party leftovers in abundance; we were planning for
twenty,
but only half that number turned out. Usually Dennis hosts a good thirty
people every month. The most important thing was that we had a bunch of
happy
friends, none of whom ended up hospitalized.

To you good cooks here, I owe a debt of gratitude. (you especially,
Matthew,
you'd make some lucky bride out there a great chef, I mean husband!) To
my
boss Daniel, I plead: next year, get LITTLE turkeys!

Blessed be,
Baha

ROTFLOL! I assume this was the first turkey you ever cooked?

I've never heard of putting water in the pan with a roasting turkey.

Thanks for the laughs. I'm glad it turned out okay.

Joy

Granby wrote:
I would like your permission to send this "tale" to a couple of places that
collect "first time Turkey stories". Was this by any chance a Butterball
before it's rearrangement? I have already printed it out to take to work.
Ahhhh the stuff dreams and memories are made of.

Send away! It wasn't a Butterball, but one put out by an Upstate New York
poultry producer. Still, I always say, if i can make a person laugh, and
help then avoid oven fires, my good deed for the day's done!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200712/1

And Honeychild you sure did make me laugh. I remember so many firsts when
it comes to cooking. My gravy plugged up a toilet and made it flood and
such thing. So much for trying to hide the evidence before my mother-in-law
came!!
"Baha via CatKB.com" u18616@uwe wrote in message news:7c0396193d7ed@uwe...
Granby wrote:
I would like your permission to send this "tale" to a couple of places
that
collect "first time Turkey stories". Was this by any chance a Butterball
before it's rearrangement? I have already printed it out to take to work.
Ahhhh the stuff dreams and memories are made of.

Send away! It wasn't a Butterball, but one put out by an Upstate New York
poultry producer. Still, I always say, if i can make a person laugh, and
help then avoid oven fires, my good deed for the day's done!

Blessed be,
Baha

--
Message posted via CatKB.com
http://www.catkb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx...dotes/200712/1